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What a dreadful day. What a dreadful day indeed. Aesop has woken up on the wrong side of the bed, the side that was nearest to Kevin’s room where he could sadly hear him playing some Blake Shelton song a little too loud. Well, way too loud for Aesop’s taste. And as if things could not get any worse, one of those assholes left one of their empty wine bottles on the final flight of stairs which he tripped on and fell. Aesop could feel a bump forming on the back of his head.
There was one thing, actually, that Aesop was looking for. His sandwich. The feast of glory was prepared with the freshest of bread and greenest of greens and no meat because he read somewhere on Facebook that meat was the leading cause of cancer in his area. Although, he did consider putting on at least a slice of roast beef because he did order some pills to prevent all diseases. Sure the website was sketchy beyond hell, but do you really think that Aesop would realize that before his purchase?
Thank the Lord, no one was in the kitchen. Just Aesop and his magnum opus of a sandwich. Bells in heaven were being rung as he reached for the fridge handle. He could see it now, that plump beauty in a neat suit like wrapping of tin foil. Just as Aesop opened the fridge door he could hear choirs of angels singing in rejoice. And there it....wasn’t???
“DAMN IIIITTTTT!!!!”
Oh it was full rage mode now. Aesop was furious. He slammed the fridge door shut and the walls shook. He was too engulfed in his own primal fury to even realize Eli and Kevin were yelling at him to shut the fuck up. Actually, he did notice.
“WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY TO ME YOU GOD DAMN [insert homosexual slur here]??” Aesop screamed at them, running into the living room of the manor.
“Woah, calm down, Jamal, don’t pull out tH-”
Aesop took out his 9mm and shot Kevin right between the eyes. Blood spattered all over their SAMSUNG 50-inch Class Crystal UHD TU-8000 Series - 4K UHD HDR Smart TV with Alexa Built-in (UN50TU8000FXZA, 2020 Model) tv and crashed their game of Fifa99.
“W-what the heck…?” Eli mumbled as he ran off.
“Gvehbkdkj.f.s..fajedf;eferf….grgg.e.sgf……..” Aesop tried to shoot Eli, but all the foam pouring out of his mouth had clogged up the gun. The trigger wouldn’t even budge. “Damn...thing....”
Aesop whipped his head around, finally catching eye of something useful. The car keys. He snatched them off of their little hook and sprinted to the front door.
“Hey man, you alri-”
Aesop threw the gun, hitting whoever was bothering him straight in one of their eyes. But there was no time to care for them, for he threw open the front door and stomped to the car. After a moment of fumbling around with the keys, he finally unlocked the 2011 Nissan Altima and started it, driving off and kicking up a cloud of dirt.
It felt like a matter of minutes, but it had been almost an hour before Aesop reached where he needed to be. Walmart. Aesop had no need to grab a mask since he already had one on. He stormed out of the car and started on in. The fact that he had to be in a place with so many people made him feel so much dread, but he had to do this...
He had to get a gun and kill whoever ate his sandwich
As he combed the aisles of the wretched Walmart, Aesop couldn’t help but get terribly overwhelmed with all of the useless items around him; not to mention the....alive people. This was the worst! His day was the worst!
In front of him was someone with a blue vest on; a worker. “Excuse me, sir, I-”
The worker turned around, and to Aesop’s delite, he was gorgeous. His skin was pale and jaundice coated with sags and wrinkles littered across his body. The man’s eyes seemed corpse-like with their frosted glass hue. In fact, the worker seemed exactly like a corpse.
“Can you repeat that?”
Oh Lord have mercy, even the man’s voice was dead and decaying. It was too much, it was the one thing that coudl’ve saved Aesop’s day. Such a beauty staring him right in his face, it was a dream. His nightmare has been flipped on his head.
“‘You looking for the sinner’s aisle?” The old man pointed with a shaky hand to Aesop’s genitle regions.
“Huh?” Aesop looked down.
He had a boner. A stiffie. A damn hard ass glizzy.
“I- uh- and- uh uh uhhhhhhhh- SORRY!!” Aesop ran backwards away from the old, decaying man. His luck turned up again once he realized he walked right into the back counter of the gun counter. Well, maybe it wasn’t luck because he saw the old worker man walking back towards him again.
“You need something, sonny?”
“UHUHH- UHHH- UHHH NOO…” Aesop’s primal instincts kicked in once again. He punched the glass to the gun case and grabbed all the pistols he could. For a second, and just for a second, he questioned why in the living hell you could purchase a gun from a Walmart, especially from a counter that was most often unattended.
Still acting on his instincts, he started sprinting towards the door, shooting anyone who got in his way. As soon as he got to the car he sped off towards the manor. Now was his time of thinking. Now he had to deduct who had eaten his sandwich.
It could not have been Kevin. Judging by his music he was in his room and in one of the bathrooms for well over the period of time it would have taken him to go down to the kitchen, eat the sandwich, go back upstairs, and then come back down to play Fifa99 with Eli. It didn’t matter, anyways. Kevin was dead. No more Blake Shelton or Johnny Cash at the break of dawn. What a sad life for a horny cowboy.
It also could not have been Eli. Aesop knew for a fact that he had been playing Fifa99 since 12:00 p.m. yesterday and he did not stop. Sure, he would have gone into the kitchen for snack breaks, but he would have definitely brought the sandwich back to his seat. The only crumbs Aesop saw on him were ones of Doritos and some Mountain Dew stains. Also a very sad life.
Who else was on their side of the manor that could have eaten the bountiful feast that was Aesop’s sandwich? Who else? Wait...who did Aesop see as he was storming out the door? Who did he hit with the gun? This trail of thoughts lead Aesop further and further down the rabbit hole.
Who did he hit?
Did he see them before that?
Where did he hit them again?
Wait...who else has a spree of unluckiness when it comes to getting hit in the eye?
“LUCA BALSAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”
Time seemed to freeze. But something was off. There was no screaming or no “mujajajjaa I ate your sandwich,” instead just...laughter.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Aesop! Now come on, come get some food,” Mike waved to him from the large table all of the manor-mates were sitting at; a full thanksgiving feast in front of them.
“B-but my san-”
“Yeah, sure I ate it. But that’s in the past now, come eat some of this fruit salad yours truly whipped up,” Luca laughed and pulled out an empty seat next to him.
“What about Kevin? I- I killed him. I shot him in the face!” Aesop was freaking out once again. He felt empty, yet somehow also relieved somewhere deep down in his heart.
“Oh yeah, he’s dead. But at least he made mac and cheese before he kicked the bucket!” As Luca spoke, he could see that Jose was actually scooping out some of it from the dish it was in. He seemed excited about it. A bit too excited about it.
“It has a special ingredient too!” Yeah, ok, Jose was very much excited about the somehow alfredo looking mac and cheese.
Aesop shrugged, taking a seat next to Luca and setting aside his gun, “Well, if you really insist. Happy thanksgiving guys,” he raised his glass, “to the most colonizer-y of all the holidays!”
“Fuck colonizers!”
And with that, they all drank, ate, and were all around merry. Happy thanksgiving!