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Jaewon watches fondly as Jun bustles behind the counter, quickly moving to satisfy the long line of customers forming in front of him. Ah, Jun.
He’s so nice and caring to Jaewon when he needs it, always knowing what to say and how to make him feel better. Sure, he may have a tough shell that’s hard to crack at times, but Jaewon loves him nonetheless. He’s one of the only people that didn’t let ‘Wyld’ disrupt his vision of himself. He understood that Jaewon wasn’t an empty shell, not a puppet, and certainly not some playboy doll that took advantage of other people. The exact opposite, in fact. He was always asking him how he was doing, always seemed interested to hear what he had to say.
And that’s exactly what made Ahn Jaewon fall so hard in the first place.
Jaewon, just as he’s about to take a sip of his drink, coughs. There’s something in his mouth. He reaches in tentatively, looking around to make sure no one was watching. Did he swallow a hair on accident? Hopefully not, that wouldn’t be good for the Coffee Temple's business.
Out he pulls a small, white petal. Candy-tufts. He used to work at a flower shop in his youth, so recognizing these types of plants came easier than it did to most. How strange...he hasn’t eaten a candytuft, and he hasn’t seen any around here either. Where could it have come from?
Jaewon stands up, finishing off the rest of his drink and tossing both the cup and the petal into the trash bin.
“Bye, Jun, Nari! I’ll see you later!”
He leaves the café and pulls on his mask. As he’s walking, curiosity arises inside him. Where did that petal come from? He had heard of people throwing up flowers before, but he never knew why. Might as well look it up now. He pulls out his phone and begins typing in what he wants to find.
‘coughing up petals ’
First article pops up, titled Hanahaki Disease. He taps on it and reads.
‘Hanahaki (하나하키) is a disease where the victim of unrequited or one-sided love begins to vomit or cough up the petals and flowers of a flowering plant growing in their lungs, which will eventually grow large enough to render breathing impossible if left untreated… ’
So that’s what Hanahaki is. Jaewon knew it sounded familiar.
‘Oh...well, I hope it’s not that. It was only one petal anyway, that’s not too dangerous.’
***
Of course, this was a lie. A few days pass, and Jaewon finds himself hunched over, one hand gripping his thigh and the other holding onto the desk as he coughs violently. Despite all the racket, only three petals make it out. That’s three too many.
“How do you treat this, anyway?”
Back on his browser, Jaewon taps away.
‘Hanahaki cure ’
Again, the same article pops up. He clicks on it to read further (which is something he probably should’ve done the first time).
‘Hanahaki can be cured through surgical removal of the plants' roots, but this excision also has the effect of removing the patient's capacity for romantic love. It may also erase the patient’s feelings for and memories of the enamored. It can also be cured by the reciprocation of the victim's feelings. These feelings cannot be feelings of friendship but must be feelings of genuine love ’
Jaewon places his phone to the side. Surgery...That wouldn’t be a good option. They don’t have money for that...And to be honest, Jaewon doesn’t want to risk losing his ability to love. CEO Park, on the other hand, he’d have a field day with this. It’d make a good story, it would.
Later on that night, Jaewon wakes up abruptly to an uncomfortable sensation. He’s choking on something, and runs to the toilet to let it all out of his system.
In the bottom of the shallow water lands a clump of clotted blood and flower petals. A whole handful of them, it seemed. Jaewon was horrified.
He sighs, wincing from the shot of pain that struck him. It felt like having a stitch in your side, only it was the chest area and ten times worse. Staggering, he makes his way back to bed.
‘I should probably get help, but I won’t take the surgery and...I just can’t do the other thing….I don’t think he’d feel the same anyway. ’
Hopefully he’d wake up feeling better the next day. He goes back to sleep.
***
About a week passes. Jaewon’s pain had been slowly and steadily increasing, along with the amount of bloodied petals he’d find himself hacking up each day, every morning in the middle of his sleep. It was like living a nightmare.
He finds himself spending a lot more time at the Coffee Temple lately too, for some reason. Maybe it’s just because he felt better in Jun’s presence. It distracted him from his harsher realities in a way, even as realistic as he is.
“Hey Jun.” Jaewon clears his throat.
“Hm.”
“Do you like soy milk or regular milk better?”
Jun stops restocking the disposable cups and pauses to think.
“Soy. Definitely.”
“Soy milk, huh? I like soy too, but regular is my favorite. Why do you like soy more?”
He returns to restocking the cups and wiping down the counters, “Cause it tastes better. Feels nicer.”
“Ah okay.”
With Jaewon’s next breath, he feels something fly to the back of his throat, prompting a series of coughs to rid him of the intruding object.
‘Oh god, more petals. Why here?’
Jun watches him with hidden concern in his eyes. “You alright?” He asks the shorter male.
“Yeah I’m fine!” Jaewon smiles, trying to quickly wipe away the petal that he just spit out, “Just a cough.”
The other man doesn’t seem to question much, only watching him with a suspicious glance. He says nothing more and returns to work. What a relief.
***
After Jaewon leaves the Coffee temple, Jun takes a look into the trash bin at what Jaewon threw away earlier. It may sound weird to you, but Jun was concerned. Heavily concerned. He knows the face Jaewon makes when he’s not telling the truth.
In the trash can is a couple of white petals, coated in red. That’s worrying. Jun decides not to think much more about it. That’s Jaewon’s business, not his. He shouldn’t be meddling.
***
Out of nowhere, Jaewon suddenly feels the urge to cough. This on its own, was pretty normal by now. Thing is, he’s in the middle of practice with MAYHEM.
‘Oh god, please not now, please, please not now.’ Jaewon pleads with himself. He can’t hold it in anymore. Bolting over to the nearest trash can, he begins coughing up masses of blood and flower petals into it.
Luckily, only Minsoo was in the room. Jaewon made sure to angle himself in a way that would block his line of view and prevent him from knowing just what he was coughing up.
“Jaewon? You alright?” Minsoo asks, watching him.
“Yes! I’m—ah—I’m fine! Don’t worry. Just coughing.”
“Ah, uh, ok then.”
Jaewon shuffles his way out into the hall. That was close. They shouldn’t have to see this happening to him.
Daehyun then walks by and greets him.
“Jaewon! How are you doing?’
“Oh I’m fine Dae, what about you?”
The blond crosses his arms lightly and leans back, thinking. He answers with a short, “Ah, nothing really.”
Out of nowhere, Jaewon feels his chest ache, and another thing in the back of his throat waiting to be released.
‘Oh. not again! Wait, I have to get to the bathroom first!’
Hanahaki waits for no one. The redhead doubles over in pain suddenly and resumes violently coughing. Into his hand fall bloody white petals, the size and shape of a thumbprint. Oh God.
“J—Jaewon! What happened? What—”
He takes a look at the flower buds and petals in Jaewon’s hand, and then back at him, who’s face flushed with embarrassment and seemed to wish he were anywhere but here.
“You...You’ve got Hanahaki.”
***
Soon after Daehyun had walked in, so did the other two. And man, were they worried. They had sat Jaewon down, and after a good thirty minutes of talking, convinced him to go to the hospital. Unlike their redheaded member, they understood the danger of Hanahaki. Daehyun had even lost a friend to it, in his youth.
And here he is, lying in a hospital bed paid for by Dongho’s generous donation. He couldn’t refuse them, they’re so considerate and they’d know that he doesn’t expect to live much longer. It’s inevitable, but he’s ready to accept it. After all, Jun could never love him back, could he? Jaewon didn't even have the courage to ask. He didn’t think he could take the rejection, especially not now.
He could only hope that it’d end before they have a chance to do surgery. Jaewon had spent the next few days lying in his bed at the hospital paralyzed in pain from his chest. It hurt to breathe, move, or do practically anything. His thoughts were filled with MAYHEM, worrying about how they would be able to keep MAYHEM alive even after death. Well, it’s not like he’s the most popular member of the group, and all this would happen after Jaewon’s gone. So then why does he worry? Perhaps it's to deal with guilt, or perhaps it’s to distract himself from thoughts of him .
Does it really matter anymore?
After an unknown number of days pass while he’s at the hospital, Jaewon hears another familiar voice by his bed.
“Yah, Jaewon,” He speaks softly to him.
Jun.
The redhead looks at his friend. My, he’s never looked so beautiful. Is it because now, it’s almost over, that he notices? Jun’s a sensitive person, just as much as Jaewon. Perhaps they’ve both been beaten down by the world and simply deal with it in different ways. He wouldn’t know, Jun never told him much about himself.
God, Jaewon would miss him so, so much
“Jun,” he beams painfully, “How are you doing?”
“I’m fine.” a tiny smile sneaks onto Junsu’s face, and he doesn’t even try to stop it.
It hurts. Hurts him terribly to see Jaewon like this. So bad, in fact that he couldn’t express it in any words, anything more than a scream of fury and frustration, simple and short. Why’d it have to be him?
No, the bigger question, how the hell did Jun let himself become vulnerable like this? Of course, he just had to open up and let him change his life. Then again...he doesn’t necessarily regret this. Opening up is what granted him access to a whole new world, a world where Jaewon exists.
But of course, nothing is all good. Jaewon loves another person. He doesn’t know who, and honestly it doesn’t really matter. He can’t do anything about it. All he can do is wish that whoever they are, they come forth and admit their love to him soon or else Jaewon’ll...he can’t handle it.
The two spend the first half of the day together, chatting to a certain extent before Jun finally manages to say goodbye.
“I’ll see you later Jaewon-ah. I’ll come back tomorrow after work.”
“See ya, Jun.” Jaewon coughs, smiling softly.
He makes his way back to the Coffee Temple and changes into his uniform. Suddenly, as he’s tying his apron on, he feels a tickle in the back of his throat. He swallows whatever the disturbance and continues on with his afternoon. Hopefully it wasn’t a bug or something.
***
The next morning, Junsu walks into the Coffee Temple to find Nari and another guy ('What was his name—Dongho?’ ) standing by the counter, waiting.
‘What’s he here for?’ Jun glares softly at him, as a habit for greeting people he doesn’t talk to.
“Junsu,” Dongho calls him.
“What?”
Dongho sighs and leans back into the wall, a slightly grief stricken expression overcoming his face.
“Thought I’d come by let you know now...Jaewon died yesterday.”
The rest of what Dongho says goes unheard by Jun. He feels his heart drop and his knees grow weak. He can’t let it affect him, no he can’t . Apparently it was all too evident in his face anyway, as guilt became visible on Dongho’s, and empathy on Nari.
Nari clears her throat. “Jun…” She mumbles, “You should probably take today off.”
Junsu says nothing and leaves. In an empty alleyway a little while away, he leans against the wall.
It’s been so long...so long since he—
His eyes burn with the sensation from beginning tears and his throat begins constricting. It’s not fair, God it’s not fair at all.
‘Fair?’ He laughs to himself dryly. It’s never been fair, not for him, and nor has it for Jaewon either.
Oh, Jaewon.
Why?
An itch comes to Junsu’s throat, and he begins coughing. Yellow petals fall out in clusters.
‘...of course…’
It was bound to happen. Looks like he’s beginning strong. Daffodils, aren’t they? He doesn’t remember. They just look familiar, from an article in a magazine he read once.
There’s no cure to this, he knows. And of course, he’d never have the surgery. Never, not in a million years, even if he had the money for it.
Those feelings are really all he has left of him now.
***
“Jun, throw the trash out, will you?”
“Yeah.”
Junsu tosses the waste, and again, he feels a tickle in his throat. He coughs the flowers into the trash bin.
The petals have become flowers in full bloom by now. It’s the last stage. Perhaps heartbreak speeds up the process a bit. God knows he’s had enough of that. The next day, he made sure to do some hard work, for Nari, as a goodbye gift. The days had been passing quickly, all the same. He hadn’t bothered to learn what happened to MAYHEM afterwards, nor did he ask about Jaewon’s funeral, or his mother. No point.
After Jun’s shift ends for the day, he takes a seat at a table in a far corner of the café. He pulls out a photo from his wallet. A picture of him and Jaewon, taken a few months back. They had just been spending a day together then. Jaewon later printed it out for him, “for emergencies, in case something happens to either of us, you’ll have this”.
Ah…
Junsu leans over onto the table and sighs sleepily, resting his head on his arms. No point in trying to go out and sleep on a bench, he’s already here, and it’s warm and so comfortable.
***
Nari had walked into the Coffee Temple and found Jun the next morning, blood-stained yellow petals blooming from his lips and a photo of Jaewon clutched in his cold, purple hand.