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It’s been a week since Junsu died.
Life, on the outside, is going as normal. Minsoo is just as playful, Daehyun just as caring, and Dongho just as unamused by their antics as always. For Jaewon, everyone would say life is normal. Jaewon himself would say that this was not the case.
Jaewon had seen many physical examples throughout his life of what he was feeling right now. Like the time his cousin trapped him in a box on a hot day for fun. Or when he watched a dog accidentally get crushed to death under the wheel of his mother’s car.
It was so, so very suffocating. It was always like this, just Jaewon and his thoughts. But why? Why did it have to be this way? And why did it hurt so much this time when it was easy before?
Jaewon used to be a really honest person. He never felt like he had to think twice before telling the truth. He didn’t have to worry about how the truth would affect everyone else. Well, more like he didn’t feel the need to.
Now? He has this plan set out for him. He has a new identity now, someone that Jaewon never was, and never will be. He learned how to hide things, how to mask emotions and pretend that he was someone entirely different. Lies spilled from his mouth like it was nothing.
Jaewon was forced to keep the news of his death to himself, along with all the explosive emotions that came along with it. The others never knew of his friend’s existence, and neither did his mom. This was for their sake, after all. They didn’t need to be bothered by Jaewon’s pain. He has to be ‘Wyld’ for them.
Jaewon learned how to keep his feelings from affecting him during moments where they aren’t appropriate. He would often go a couple weeks in a row pretending that he was perfectly fine, and then break down once he was home alone.
Jaewon knows that his health should come first, he knows that he should take care of himself, maybe even see a therapist. But he also knows that this would cost them money, and cost his mom money. His self care would disrupt their group’s schedule, and throw them all off. Jaewon used to be able to be selfish. Back when he paid no mind to his mother’s suffering, simply because he didn’t understand what it truly meant to be a working single mom.
He vowed to never make himself such a burden ever again. His mother, his sweet loving mother who had always taken care of him and prioritized his needs, deserved better. So he kept his secrets, to ensure that his loved ones and friends would stay safe.
Jun was the only one who Jaewon allowed himself to be free with. With him, he could just be Jaewon, with no restrictions. With Jun, there was no Wyld, but it was different with him than it was with his mother. With Jun, he felt sure of himself. With Jun, he was unafraid of the world. He felt like he could take on even the toughest of opponents. Jaewon had not had such a connection with anyone in years.
Of course all good things must come to an end. Jun was shot 3 times, just over a little week ago. He died on the street, cold and alone, his mind filled with thoughts of the red haired man he let touch his heart.
Once, on the 5th day of Jun being gone, Jaewon dreamed of him. Jun was sitting on a swing, and gestured for Jaewon to sit in the one next to him. They talked, as they were both still healthy and alive. The dream would end when Jun got up from the swing, and walked away, smiling sadly at his friend as he left.
“Don’t leave, Jun. Please.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please Jun! Please! Don’t leave….”
Jaewon would wake up with tears on his face, he’d wipe them away frantically, and turn onto his side to prevent anyone else from seeing his face.
And then someone began noticing.
Dongho saw Jaewon in the days following Jun’s death, and noticed his sad face when he thought no one was watching him. Needless to say, he was concerned.
He pulled Jaewon aside one day, while Minsoo and Daehyun went out for ice cream.
“Jaewon. Is there something wrong? You seem sad lately.”
Jaewon was startled to hear his words. How had he known? How had he seen?
His brain told him to lie, to say anything to get the black-haired man off his back. His heart pushed back. He wanted to spill it all, to tell someone, ANYONE. To just make sure that he wasn’t alone in this world.
“I have--I had a friend named Junsu… He...He died a week ago...he...I… I...”
He tears began rolling down his cheeks, shining under the light of the moon outside. He looked like he had come right out of a movie. Jaewons hands shot up to cover his face, and his shoulders shook with the emotions that he forced himself to hide all this time.
Dongho was never one to comfort others on instinct. His natural response to someone breaking down in front of him would be to pat their back, and maybe give a few awkward words that were supposed to serve as comfort.
But just seeing him, the smaller, younger male, awoke something within Dongho. He seized him in a soft embrace, one arm wrapped around his slim waist, and the other hand running long, thin fingers through his hair.
Jaewon calmed down enough to squeak out a quiet, “Thank you, Dongho.”
“I’ll be here for you, Jaewon-ah.”
It was clear to the elder that his beloved dongsaeng was hiding something, something that he probably never told anyone else before.
Dongho looked down at the man in his arms while gently cuddling him. In his eyes was the beginning of what would be called love. And it was only a matter of time before Jaewon would look at him the same way.