Chapter Text
It hurts.
It hurts me, the words that the CEO of HCE speaks to me on the regular. Spitting out insults, calling me selfish, weak, pathetic. He wasn’t completely wrong, but it hurt nonetheless. He would make me beg, bend over and cry for forgiveness, just to keep the other three members of MAYHEM out of my troubles. They don’t deserve it. They work so hard, and they’re so talented. It’s better that I keep enduring, so they can be successful.
My group mates see me as a troublesome person. This reputation that I have earned, it makes them see me in the same way a parent may see a delinquent child. When I show up to practice, they often look at me with disappointment, sometimes anger, and even disdain on bad days, or when a new rumor is spread about ‘Wyld’. As if I was a waste of their time, of space. They aren’t wrong either, but it still hurts.
At home, I’d go onto my phone, and check my notifications. I don’t know why I still do. Hundreds and hundreds of comments about how utterly terrible ‘Wyld’ is. I don’t blame them. They don’t know who Ahn Jaewon is. But this hurt as well. Even if ‘Wyld’ and Jaewon aren’t the same, we are both worthless and untalented, no matter how much we try.
At night, in my bed, I’d lay in silence. The night was always cold and quiet. Loud silence presses on me, reminding me of my loneliness. Not even my own mom would listen to my problems. I used to think she would love me unconditionally, that she would accept me and my decisions and guide me through life. I was proved wrong the day I told her that I wasn’t attracted to girls, but instead to men. She kicked me out.
My preference has always proved troublesome for people, including myself. It made it harder for me to make friends. It even ruined the one beginning of a friendship I could have had.
It was the night of the day that Dongho helped me catch the sasaeng that broke into my apartment. I was seated on the couch for a little while, silent and unmoving. Then Dongho came to sit next to me.
I have known Dongho for a while, but never really got to be close friends with him. Despite that, I felt an attraction towards the man. It wasn’t right, having a crush on someone you work with, but I can’t help my feelings. His kindness towards me only made me fall harder.
Dongho asked me, “Are you feeling alright?”
I nodded, but said nothing, and did not turn to him. Earlier that day I had told him my secret, that I wasn’t like that image that was created for me. I wasn’t ‘Wyld’ like the other two thought I was.
The other placed his hand on my shoulder. He turned to me and whispered, “Tell me if you ever need help. I’ll be here. I’m here for you.”
When I looked at him then, our faces were close. Dongho almost seemed to lean in a bit, as if he noticed. It was my stupid self that ruined everything. I leaned in closer, and there was no space between us. I should have known then that Dongho could never want someone like me. If I were in the right mind, we might’ve become actual friends, and that night wouldn’t have happened.
His lips were warm, and slightly chapped. They didn’t welcome mine. He pushed me away suddenly, stood up, and glared.
“What the hell? What the fuck is wrong with you? Who do you think you are?”
He was absolutely right. His reaction was appropriate. Who did I think I was? I’m worthless.
“I’m...sorry…”
I got up and left him there. The next morning we didn’t speak about the event, but it was clear that Dongho wished to interact with me as little as he could. It was all my fault.
Sometimes I wish I could be selfish. I wish I lived in another world, where I could bring myself to do something about this and not worry about how it might affect the group, where I wouldn't be gay, and I could just be normal. But that's not how life works.
I have to put on my act for their sake. The world doesn’t need Ahn Jaewon. The world doesn’t want Ahn Jaewon. For them, I would need to be ‘Wyld’. I must put myself down for their sake, to make sure their efforts and hard work weren’t going to be wasted. They can get rid of me once they’re famous, right? All I have to do is endure this until they are so well known that they don’t need someone to keep making scandals to boost their image. Then, MAYHEM can be a group of three talented people, and I won’t be there to slow them down. All I have to do is wait, right?