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Daehyun had always been good at observing his friends. He would be the first to notice your new haircut, or to ask you if you were alright the day after your parent’s divorce. It was remarkable how attentive he could be. Nothing ever seemed to be able to escape him.
The only exception just happened to be Ahn Jaewon’s problem. It had already been a full year before he finally noticed something was wrong with his timid hyung. It happened the moment Jaewon felt just a little too safe, the moment that he thought he could let his guard down just a second and let his real emotions peep through without consequence.
Jaewon just wanted a small break. A quick one, just to scroll through the long list of posts under the hashtag ‘#mayhemfanart’ on Instagran. The posts under this tag always seemed to bring a smile to his face. He rather enjoyed seeing new works, each depicting his group members beautifully, all in different styles. This time, however, he accidentally clicked on ‘#wyld’ and of course, thousands upon thousands of posts filled with criticism directed entirely towards him. He was used to the hate, of course. It had just been a specific post he clicked on, also accidentally, while trying to exit.
“ Wyld should go fucking drive off a cliff. He’s untalented, useless, and not even that hot either. He puts no effort into his work and STILL gets paid?! CANCELLED CANCELLED CANCELLED ”
They weren’t wrong about him being useless. He wasn’t cut out for this kind of life. He was just plain old Jaewon, disguised and dolled up to fill in the fake role of Wyld for a living. The part that stung the most was when they said that he put in no effort.
Jaewon knew it himself that it wasn’t true. Memories of all those extra hours he would spend in the practice rooms trying to perfect a dance or practice his singing filled his mind. Jaewon had always known his effort would never produce real results. He even remembered pinching himself at home every night as a child, when he would repeatedly slap his own face as a practice to keep himself from tearing up so easily. Boys weren’t supposed to cry.
Why? Why did he allow himself to falter now ?
When Daehyun saw Jaewon’s face fall into a disheartened frown that day, he was concerned. What was it that made his hyung so sad? He was only just able to catch a glimpse of his phone, open to an Instagran post with a picture of Wyld with a big red “CANCEL HIM” printed along the top.
This sight alone sparked something inside of Daehyun, something that made him want to take a look at what Mayniacs were saying about his fellow group mate. It struck him then that he’d never really looked at any of the comments under the other member’s posts, or even posts made by fans. He was only active online to a small extent.
That night Daehyun had scanned through the aforementioned sources. Appalled was not even close to accurately describing what he felt seeing those words, all written by the same owners of those grinning faces he saw at their concerts.
Daehyun soon called for a meeting with the other two clueless members, and presented his findings to them there. ‘ Maybe they’ll be able to help me figure out what to do, ’ Daehyun thought, ‘ Or am I overreacting? ’
Whatever Daehyun had expected, it was certainly not what had actually happened. Minsoo had scoffed at his concern, and Dongho tried to dismiss the issue, saying, “Hate is normal when you’re famous, especially when you act like he does.”
He tried to convince himself that they were right, that Jaewon was probably used to all this stuff that the public said about him, considering his reputation. But if that was true, why did he look so sad? Never had Daehyun seen such an expression on his hyung’s face.
He managed to forget about the topic once the exciting news about their new dorm arrived. He had been looking forward to getting one, but their company kept putting it off until Dongho insisted because Minsoo kept complaining about it.
It was a peaceful first month in their dorm. Dongho usually kept to his own activities, and Minsoo would game as much as he could during his free time. Jaewon, to his surprise, didn’t usually go out. He would often just curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and a blanket, or sometimes even read a book in his bed in the evenings. He was almost like a little kitten.
Daehyun was unable to sleep one night, just a little while after they first moved in. Apparently, the same could be said for Jaewon. He got up in the middle of the night, slowly and quietly climbing down. Daehyun pretended to sleep, convinced that Jaewon was going to sneak out to go clubbing or something. He didn’t plan to follow him or anything, but he was curious to see what Jaewon was really like when thinking he was on his own. Jaewon stumbled into their shared bathroom instead of exiting the room. He didn’t bring any clothes with him, so he wasn’t changing. Maybe he just needed to use the bathroom.
Daehyun pulled out his phone to log into his fake fan account. He made it a little while ago just to spy on his fans and see what they were all like. After a couple minutes of scrolling, he heard quiet crying coming from the bathroom.
He couldn’t help but giggle to himself, ‘ Is Jaewon having trouble in there? Maybe I should sneak him some laxatives… ’
Daehyun ignored the sounds for a while, deciding that Jaewon should be able to have his own privacy. It was only when the crying turned into gut wrenching sobs that he became concerned. He had never heard his hyung make sounds like these. Daehyun left the comfort of his bed and neared the door. The sobbing became louder, and he could now hear Jaewon trying to maintain an even breathing pattern. He was trying his hardest to keep quiet, even slapping his hand over his mouth to keep his cries from leaving his lips.
His hyung, who had been so strong and caring, the one who always put others in front of himself had been bottling something up inside him, burying it deep within himself. What had made him break down so badly? What made him so vulnerable that he had to wait until the quiet of the early morning before letting it all go?
When the cries subsided and silence started burning into his ears, Daehyun drifted towards his bed. He couldn’t wrap his head around the whole situation. What the hell just happened in there? In less than five minutes, Jaewon finally opened the bathroom door. Daehyun hadn’t even bothered in pretending to sleep.
“Jaewon-hyung.”
The red haired young man was startled at the raspy voice that cut the silence. He put on an immediate smile and cleared his throat. It was almost a reflex at this point.
“Daehyun-ah?”
It terrified the maknae. Just a few minutes ago, Jaewon had completely let go of his emotions in the privacy of their bathroom. How could he so easily mask the pain inside?
Whenever Dae had his own vulnerable moments like this to himself, he had to spend a solid twenty minutes completely fixing his face before stepping out. Even then, it would be rather difficult to hide, especially from someone as observant as his mom. She’d ask him what was wrong, he’d try to brush it off, fail, and end up crying again in his mother’s arms as she ran her fingers through his hair.
Jaewon had painted on a smile so easily. And it always looked so damn real . When had he become so good at putting on faces that weren’t his? Why hadn’t Daehyun ever seen it?
Of course he never was able to notice it. Not even the sharpest of people could tell that it was fake. Jaewon had it down to the smallest of details. Anyone would be convinced that there was nothing wrong if they hadn’t heard what happened earlier.
He had neglected his responsibility. They all had. Daehyun was supposed to be the one who saw through everyone. The one who could easily read you like an open book. He failed as Jaewon’s friend.
Daehyun wanted to make the other two know just what he had realized. They needed to understand that his hyung might be going through something. Something really, really bad. Some may say that he’s sticking his nose in places it shouldn’t be, but he saw it as something that should have happened a long time ago. Secrets like these never brought any good to anyone. See what happened with Minsoo? If he had held it bottled up inside like Jaewon, who knows what would have happened to him with no one to turn to?
When he told the other two about all he had heard, they also agreed that something was definitely off, and they all wanted to help fix it. Daehyun had remembered by now what he’d been looking at a few weeks prior. If all the comments about ‘Wyld’ were suffocating for him, how did Jaewon feel about them? He decided to address this first. He didn’t care what the company would say about it. When was the well-being of a company more important than a person’s mental health? Especially a person like Jaewon. Their sweet, innocent Jaewon.
Dae posted an image of a cute kitten he found on the internet with the caption, ‘ Hello Mayniacs! I just wanted to ask you all to please not leave so many hate comments for Wyld. It makes him upset, and it worries us too. Remember that he is a human and has feelings just like you. ’
Was it a stupid idea? Maybe. He lost a few followers afterwards, and got a bunch of angry comments saying that Jaewon deserved it, but it wasn’t nearly as much as the amount of people apologizing under his post, saying that they were wrong. Maybe they didn’t necessarily believe it, but as long as they left his friend alone, Daehyun didn’t care.
He first told Minsoo about it, who approved of the move and was happy to be seeing results. Dongho, on the other hand, thought that they should have gone by a different approach.
“You should have asked us before posting that. Don’t you guys think that we should have talked to Jaewon first? I mean, what if he has a problem with what you did?”
They knew that he was right. They were just too scared. Too scared to tackle the problem head on, the problem they had been blind to for an entire year.
Minsoo sighed, “Well... let’s do it your way then, hyung, if it makes you so happy. We can ask him tomorrow.”
***
Dongho had walked up the red haired male first.
“Jaewon-ah, we want to talk to you.”
Jaewon looked nervously at his group mates. Had he done something wrong? Did they finally have enough of him and wanted him gone?
“O-oh….what do you guys need?”
Daehyun began softly, trying his best not to make his hyung feel uncomfortable.
“We’ve noticed lately that you seem...sad… and we think we know what it is, but we wanted to talk to you about it.”
Jaewon’s blood ran cold. He had tried so hard to keep his cold reality away from the other members. They didn’t deserve it. They didn’t need to be involved in the mess that was his life.
“What---What do you mean, Daehyun-ah?” Jaewon chuckled nervously
“Don’t deny it, Jaewon-ah. We know that you’ve been dealing with something difficult, and….we want to help you. We can’t just sit around and watch you suffer. I can’t. Please, talk to us”
No one expected such sentimental words from Minsoo. He wasn’t one to add unnecessary feeling into his words. Too sappy, he’d always say. This was a refreshing change.
Jaewon seemed to slowly dissolve in front of them. These images that he’d been trying so hard to keep up, around his fans, his group mates, even his own mother...they were all so, so tiring. Being alone had always been bittersweet. There was never anyone else he could completely be himself in front of. He’d been so preoccupied with keeping them all safe and happy that he had forgotten how to smile naturally himself. But isolation also gave him a chance to clear his mind and let loose on all the emotions he’d keep hidden from the public. It was the only time he could finally lose control.
Jaewon felt a familiar wetness on his cheeks, and his consciousness came back to reality again. When was the last time he let himself fall apart in front of others? Dongho caught him when his knees gave out. He let him cuddle his shirt and patted his back as the other two gently wrapped their arms around them.
Jaewon whimpered and choked on his tears, opening the floodgates and releasing all the pent up rage and misery. Even though Daehyun could feel his heart breaking for the smaller male as he trembled with emotion, he was ecstatic. They were finally a step closer to solving the problem. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe they hadn’t completely failed after all. This time, it wouldn’t be only Jaewon against the world. They were in this together.