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It has been a while since Miles walked this path; too long if he were being honest with himself. He hasn’t stepped foot through this front door in months and now that he is standing here, hand hovering over the handle, he finds it nearly impossible. He shoves the key into the lock and pushes the door open. The cold Vermont air forces him inside sooner than he would have gone without it. Unfortunately, even the warmth inside does nothing to ease his feelings of anxiousness.
It’s early, practically the middle of the night. He couldn’t bring himself to stop the car to rest anywhere. The moment he hung up the phone, he jumped behind the wheel and drove. He doesn’t remember much of the drive, not that anything of note happened; no car trouble, no accidents, but still.
He can’t remember most of it because he spent it deep in his thoughts. Each time Flora’s voice would echo through his mind he would push himself back into a dreamlike state. There he could remember himself, as young as ten. There he was happy. There they were still a family.
“Miles.”
His sister’s voice startles him. He hadn’t expected her to be there; not out in the empty living room all by herself. He knew she couldn’t possibly be asleep but he didn’t expect her to be as awake as she seems.
“Hey.”
He slumps his shoulders and lets his bag slip down to the floor. They both keep their spots. They’ve grown a lot from when they first stood in this house. They’ve grown older, and taller, and wiser but they’ve never grown apart. Dani always made sure of that; Miles knows now that she did it on purpose.
“Where’s, uh, where’s Jamie?”
“Should be home soon. Her flight was delayed.”
He watches his sister’s features. In this moment, he thinks she looks like their mother. He can’t be certain. But there’s something about her, right now, that reminds him of the photo that hangs in the hall. It’s one of the only photos they have of her. Flora’s hair is lighter, her eyes a different color, but their features have similar slopes and lines. It’s the brightness. That’s where the true similarity lies; even now, even in the dark.
“How did she sound?”
“How do you think?” Flora shoots back, harsher than she’d ever intend.
“Right.”
There’s another long pause. It’s so quiet. Miles can practically see the silence, as if it were its own entity, looming over them in the darkness.
“What do we do now, Miles?”
It’s a desperate inquiry. Her tone is heavy. She’s begging for answers that he doesn’t have. He shrugs and lets his head hang low.
“I have no idea.”
They’ve never lost anyone before. Their parents, sure. Uncle Henry. Hannah Grose. But they can’t remember them. Miles doesn’t remember it so he’s never been sure if he’s truly able to call it a loss. He is sure that their absence once felt immeasurable. He is certain that the weight was heavy and the sadness was retched. But he can’t remember it. He’s tried. But he simply can’t remember.
And so, he can’t imagine it was as bad as this. Nothing is as bad as this.
Jamie makes her way through the front door somewhere around eleven in the morning. Miles is sitting at the counter, over a mug of coffee. The steam makes its way up to his thick framed reading glasses and covers the lenses over. He can’t be bothered to wipe it away. His vision has gone blurry from staring at the same news article anyway.
The click of the lock takes his attention and makes him blink away the sandy feeling. Seeing Jamie for the first time after a while has been one of his favorite things since leaving for college. Dani always made a big deal of his return and Flora gives the best hugs. But Jamie’s smile always seems the brightest at the sight of him. This time, though, there are no smiles. There’s no happiness to be had; no relief to be found; even in the presence of one another.
“Hey mate.” She walks over and wraps him in a hug. “Good to see you.”
He towers over her now. His hair is curly, which no one ever saw coming, and has darkened with age. He pulls his glasses off and tosses them onto the counter. He knows she can tell he rushed himself out of the house; his crumpled appearance and mismatched shoes give him away.
He doesn’t reply. He can’t. She simply gives him another hug and walks over to the couch. Flora is asleep, one arm hanging off the edge, the other wrapped around her torso like she’s giving herself a hug.
“Flora. Flora, wake up.”
She grumbles, and squeezes her eyes shut tighter, before she recognizes the voice. Her eyes open, quickly, but Jamie can see just how much of a chore it is. They are heavy and foggy, she looks like she’s still asleep as she gazes up at her.
“Hi, my love, I’m home.”
Flora lets out a deep, rattling sob. Then another, and another, until she can barely breathe. She pushes herself up, with a lot of help from Jamie, and lets herself be held.
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Jamie says, in between kisses to her temple.
Miles watches as his sister falls apart. He doesn’t know how Jamie manages to keep her own eyes dry. He doesn’t know the whole story, nor does he think he ever will. He won’t ever ask. Instead, he just watches and lets his mind wander back again. He wanders back in his memories where it’s safe.
Miles sits in front of the fire in their backyard. He always forgets the solitude he is able to find here until he is back in it. He’s always wondered why Dani and Jamie settled them in Vermont; they have no family here, they didn’t have any friends here before they arrived, it was just the four of them in their little shoe box apartment; tucked away from the rest of the world.
It always seemed like they were running from something. Something more than whatever Dani was pretending not to be afraid of, but he never asked. Flora is the inquisitive one, so he left the questioning to her, not that she ever got anywhere with it.
“What are you doing out here?”
“You scared me.”
Flora lets out a breathy giggle and wraps her sweater tighter around her shoulders. She takes a seat in the chair next to him and sighs.
“Where’s Jamie?”
“She went to bed.”
“It’s early.” Miles observes. “Although, I guess she had a pretty rough flight.”
“I don’t think she’s tired so much as she couldn’t stand to be awake anymore.”
Another obtrusive silence settles between them. Miles’ eyes stay trained on the flames while Flora’s flutter around his features; illuminated with warm orange and yellow hues.
She thinks, for just a moment, that she’s never been so thankful not to live by the water; not to have to look at it. She turns and watches the silhouette of the trees that line their property. The gentle breeze moves the branches, causing a distant rustling sound that she finds soothing.
“I wish I had known things had gotten so much worse.” Miles admits, as if he’s speaking to the trees.
“That’s the thing, it never felt like they had.”
“That’s Dani for you, isn’t it?”
Miles chances a look over at his sister. She’s still looking off into the distance. He can see tears glistening in the flicker of light as she nods, slowly. When she speaks again, it’s a broken gargle.
“Yeah, that was Dani.”
Jamie stares at herself in the mirror. This is the moment she’s dreaded for thirteen years. She pulls at the shoulders of her dress and smooths down the front. Her mind wanders, letting Dani’s voice echo around the empty bedroom.
“That’s some dress.”
“It’s the only thing I had in black.”
The memory makes her smile, just barely more than it makes her want to break down and cry.
She thinks about that day. She thinks about the feeling in her chest, the smell of the air. She thinks about the way Owen looked at the funeral. She knows it will be the same way Flora and Miles will look today. They’ve lost the woman who has raised them, who has cared for them as if they were her own, and she isn’t sure that they will ever recover. She isn’t sure that she will ever recover.
“Jamie?”
The small, childlike, voice breaks her from her thoughts. She looks over her shoulder. Flora has her head peeking through the cracked open bedroom door.
“Yeah?”
“Are you ready?”
She steps fully into the room. Jamie is taken with just how grown she looks. She supposes loss does that to you: it ages you. But it’s more than that. She’s gone from a scared little girl to the resilient young woman in front of her. Jamie wonders what it is that draws tragedy to some more than others. She wonders what allows them to shoulder that tragedy with such grace and continue to grow.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“How are we going to do this?”
Jamie purses her lips and shakes her head, slowly.
“I have no earthly idea. But we will, we have to. For her.”
It’s just the three of them. That’s the way Dani wanted it. No questions. No spectacle.
Jamie watches as the casket is lowered. Another funeral with an empty box. She told the kids that her wishes were for a closed casket, but in reality she didn’t have the heart to tell them her body wasn’t there at all. She couldn’t bring herself to tell them that Dani’s eternal resting place is at the bottom of a muddy lake; cold and all alone. The same lake where their other Au Pair met her fate, their uncle too. She couldn’t do that to them.
“Do either of you want to say anything?” Jamie asks.
She forces the words up through her throat, despite how tightly she’s clenching her muscles to keep herself from crying.
Miles stares straight ahead. Flora blinks, quickly, keeping the tears at bay for the moment. She shakes her head once before looking down at her feet.
“Alright then, I’ll go.”
Jamie clears her throat and looks at the headstone, not yet engraved.
“Dani, you always said you didn’t want a sad eulogy. But to be honest, I don’t know how to be anything else but sad today. And, my love, you deserve to be eulogized. You deserve to have all the wonderful things about you shared and thought of fondly. I don’t know if you remember,” She speaks as if Dani is standing right in front of her, “but there was a time, not too long ago that you spoke of your fears. You wondered what I would tell Flora and Miles after you were gone.”
Jamie looks between the children, if they are confused by her words, they don’t show it. Flora is watching her like, if she were to take her eyes off of her, she would disappear too. Miles keeps his head up, jaw set, staring off into the distance.
“And I thought I knew what I would tell them. I thought I knew how it would feel, but turns out, I had no fucking idea. My mind could never have imagined the pain I’m feeling. But those words I said to you that night, they’re all still true. You were the bravest, most selfless woman I’ve ever known. You sacrificed so much for us, all of us, to have a beautiful life. And baby, you did it.”
A single sob escapes Jamie’s throat. She sniffles, doing her best to cover it up.
“Everything we have here is because of you. We’re a family because of you. And I’m sorry that you spent so much of our time together scared of that beast, lurking.”
Flora squints and looks at her brother, already looking at her. They’ve heard it before, many times, but it never sounds less odd.
“But despite all that, our life was beautiful, here in the jungle.”