Chapter Text
A small sigh escaped from Chanyeol’s lips as he stood in front of the white door that led into his apartment that he once shared with his boyfriend--well now ex-boyfriend. It had only been two months or so since the other had walked out, and yet Chanyeol still didn’t understand what led up to this turn of events. He still didn’t understand anything. What had he done to drive the other out? It didn't make sense to him.
Finally collecting himself from his thoughts once again, he opened the door and stepped inside the apartment whose walls were painted in a cream color that should've made Chanyeol feel relaxed, but there was just something that didn’t let him do so. Usually the other would’ve been home before him, waiting for him with a soft smile as he sat on the couch watching the TV, wearing comfortable clothes. How he waited for him with open arms and ready to talk about each other's day. No matter what time it was he was always so bright when he welcomed him home.
Now he arrived to silence.
The tall man shrugged his bag off, letting it fall onto the dark wooden floor beneath him, then placed his keys on the nearest counter. He was tired. It wasn’t that his job had tired him out, or that his workout made him feel as though he had no more energy. It was the thoughts that he was trying to gather and the situation he was trying to understand, which has made him feel so drained. So lifeless.
Without another thought, he ended up laying down on the dark grey couch. It wasn’t the most comfortable couch, too small to fit his entire body, but it was one that Baekhyun had picked out when they were on a hunt for furniture. He let out another sigh as he closed his eyes for a few seconds. It was so hard not to think about him when there was always something that reminded him of the shorter male. Lucky for him he felt a small weight on top of his chest causing his mind to shift focus. Oh right, he wasn’t entirely alone in this cold house.
“Hello, Aeri.” Chanyeol cooed at the white ragdoll who had a light grey mark on its face, making it seem like it had a mask, which allowed its ocean blue eyes to stand out even more. The medium-sized cat purred as it leaned more into Chanyeol’s hand, which rested on top of her head, slightly scratching the back of her ear. The small action had caused him to smile for the first time that day, though it was small and vanished as quickly as it appeared. He looked at his phone, checking on the time, but also mindlessly looked at the notifications, in hope of seeing his contact name. Nothing. He turned the phone off once he heard a quiet meow the white cat emitted.
“Okay, okay, I’ll get you your dinner.” He spoke slowly and softly as he sat up and allowed the cat to get off before he stood up.
He groaned, running a hand through his messy curls, tiredly making his way to the kitchen, where he paused in front of a dark-colored cabinet. He opened it, but for some reason became lost in thought. He remembers how Baekhyun was the one who would feed their cat. It was a dumb thought, but he would recall how the other would hum or talk to their cat jokingly, and how he could see the scene while he sat on the kitchen bar to eat whatever was made that day or what had been ordered to eat.
How the other’s laugh would be louder than the television playing in the background. How everything just seemed to be more lively with him around.
He could feel his eyes getting blurry by the tears that were forming, but his thoughts were interrupted by the small meow his cat had let out. He blinked away the tears, laughing at himself as he sniffled away his runny nose. Of course he was about to cry again…
Finally gathering himself from his small moment, he grabbed the first can his hand could get ahold of, then proceeded to open it. Though he could just give Aeri the food just like that, he preferred to empty the can out into the cat’s bowl. From what he remembered, it was the only way the high maintenance kitty would eat anyway.
Once he was finished putting food in her dish, he threw away the can and turned off the lights. He wouldn’t have any dinner tonight. He didn’t have much of an appetite. Today was just one of those nights, and all he wanted to do was lay down.
Mindlessly, he found himself walking to his room, closing the door behind him gently. He stripped out of his clothes, debating whether it was worth changing into any pajamas he owned. It’s not like it was cold enough to sleep in clothes, but it was also not hot enough to sleep without them. Eventually, he found himself putting on bottoms and an oversized t-shirt that Baekhyun would always confiscate.
Though it was his, Baekhyun’s scent was imprinted onto it. Maybe he should throw it away, but he never could bring himself to do so. It was his shirt after all. Why throw away a perfectly good shirt.
Excuses.
He turned the light off, finding his way into his bed, and found some comfort in the blankets.
The bed that once felt small and warm had become cold and too big for his comfort, and he laid there, on his side looking at the empty space.
The moonlight that made its way into the room using the window, clearly illuminated how lonely Chanyeol was.
His heart ached.
Though everything seemed to be the same, nothing really was. Sure, the house was just how it was as when he left, and the cat hadn’t changed much either. Chanyeol’s routine was still the same, but it felt so different now. It actually was different now.
Though it’s been almost two months, the wound was still fresh just like the memories, and the pain was still grand as the day Baekhyun left him. He couldn’t just move on just yet. Not yet. You can’t just get over a relationship that lasted for years, in mere weeks. You cannot get rid of the routine you’ve had for years. You can’t just forget all the feelings and moments you shared. Not in weeks at least.
Right now, Baekhyun would be by his side, whispering if he was awake. Then when he replied, the smaller would start about everything and nothing. How he would talk about his day or how he would just speak his thoughts out loud. The way that he would play with Chanyeol’s larger hand before he placed it on his cheek and whispered his small I love you’s, then bid him goodnight when he felt like Chanyeol was about to fall asleep while listening to his rants.
He clenched his hand at the thought. How was he able to say those words so freely and then leave him? How was he so cruel enough to lie to him like that?
What had he done to make him leave him? He didn’t understand. He felt lost. He just wanted answers. He needed answers.
How and when did it all change that quickly? When had the “I love you”s become nothing but a routine Baekhyun just tried to keep? When had it lost its meaning?
Yet-- despite all that, Chanyeol didn’t have resentment towards him. His love for him was too great. At times it felt like he loved him even more now than other days, or maybe he had finally realized how much he really loved him.
His thoughts and his frustration had gotten the best of him this time. The tears became so much that they began to run down on their own before Chanyeol had even noticed.
This pain was almost suffocating.
He laid there, allowing his tears to continue as he remembered their moments. Then, his thoughts started circling again.
What if he called him?
Maybe he was stupid for wanting to call him and ask all his questions, but maybe he would finally get closure.
But in reality all he wanted to do was listen to his voice.
However, would he be able to talk back? Would he be able to ask just when had his feelings died out? Would he tell him that even though his feelings have died out, that he was willing to continue the relationship and fix himself so he can love him again? Was he a fool enough to do that? For Baekhyun? It felt like he would.
He was willing to continue a relationship with him just because of his own selfish love. It was stupid and he knew that it was bad, but that’s how selfish he was.
He just didn’t understand where things went wrong. He didn’t know when Baekhyun had started lying about his feelings. He didn’t get why the love had died out. He didn’t understand why Baekhyun said he didn’t feel the same anymore. He didn’t know how to reply when he said that maybe it’s best they go their separate ways. That maybe one day they could be friends, but HOW, how could he be friends with someone who he considered his first real love. Those feelings though they can die out, there will always be something lingering there. There was always going to be a piece of his heart that Baekhyun took with him.
Chanyeol took in a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself down.
Maybe this was for the best.
Maybe his friends were right. This was for the best. He needed to rediscover himself since he felt lost. He had given too much of himself into the relationship. He had lost himself.
The sadness had subsided, and his mind became more rational.
If he called he’d break. If he looked at the pictures, he would break. If he saw him, he would break. He needed to stop crying over him.
He needed to get over him.
This time he was going to keep his promise. Tonight was the last night he would cry over the short brunette. It was enough. He was tired of crying. He was tired of looking everywhere and being reminded of him. He couldn’t change his feelings just yet, but it really was time for a change.
Even though he thought this, his mind was dizzy due to the crying and many thoughts. He had fallen asleep.
Maybe there will be a change, but everything takes time. Healing takes time. Moving on takes time. Little by little, he would forget the feelings he once held for the other, and the memories would not become something that makes him cry or feel hurt, but instead something he can smile back on and be thankful that it had happened. After all, he will always love him no matter what even if it’s not in the same way as before because despite all the arguments, disagreements, and heartache he was put through, Baekhyun was a beautiful person inside and out. They just weren’t meant to be in this lifetime.
It’ll take some time to move on, but he knows he can do it.