Work Text:
Hello trainee,
We, the MACUSA aurors, have put together this little guide that will help you stay afloat as you work to become a part of our elite team here at the Department of Magical Security. Please keep in mind that while these are merely suggestions, it is recommended that you follow them for your own, and others, wellbeing.
Thank you,
All Aurors of the Department of Magical Security
1. If you see a strange creature, do not approach it without our resident Magizoologist Consultant, Mr. Newt Scamander. (It is most likely his.)
2. For your own safety, please knock before entering Mr. Graves’ office. We cannot stress enough how unpleasant it is being turned into a platypus.
3. If you happen to see the famous and acclaimed war hero Theseus Scamander, run away as fast as you can and report to Mr. Graves ASAP. Where Theseus goes, well meant but ultimately destructive chaos tends to follow.
4. Don’t mess with Tina Goldstein. (I don’t think we even have to say much about Queenie for you to understand why.)
5. Get President Picquery IMMEDIATELY if you see any strange ducks. (Specifically ones with demon-red eyes and shark teeth, we wouldn’t want another incident.)
6. Wear the socks provided by the department and never take them off during work hours. If you wear a hole through them, request a new pair immediately, and DO NOT try to wash them with magic.
7. If you for some reason decide to eat the food provided from the cafeteria, make sure to cast several purifying spells so as to avoid any ‘practical jokes’ by another department that could end with you at St. Mungos. (If you get into a row Maius from Goblin Affairs just threaten to report him, he’s on his last straw and is in serious danger of being fired.)
8. Make sure you turn your paperwork in in by 4:29, if it is turned in at 4:30 or later Graves CAN and WILL assign you to the worst cases for a month. (He gets pissy when you take up the time he would be spending with Newt.)
9. DON’T comment on the sexual tension between Graves and Newt Scamander, unless you have a wish to be hexed into next week. We’ve tried our best to help them sort it out, but they’ve been stubbornly sabotaging all our attempts and it appears the best thing we can do is to just leave them to it.
10. If a No-Maj named Jacob comes in with pastries be sure to try the Niffler cream puffs, they are heavenly and your world will be forever changed by the spiritual experience.
11. Second Friday Nighters (held every other Friday night) are hosted at Auror Gonzalez’s house. If you dislike participating in moderately illegal activity, we recommend you not show up.
12. If you talk to Newt about the uses of Swooping Evil venom for a bit he will be your best friend forever as he is busy studying Swooping Evils in depth and loves to share his research and theories with people. (NOTE: Don’t talk to Scamander for too long or he may decide to show you the creature itself.)
13. Seeing as Grindelwald is still at large, you should be sure to take extra security measures such as adding additional warding around your home, coming up with code words to verify identity, and perhaps a guard crup.
14. If you find a new creature, DO NOT, under any circumstances, allow Newt to name it. (You will understand when you go through the standard induction trip through his case.)
15. Clapping is banned. If you must, snap.
We’re so glad that you are here, and if you have any further questions please feel free to ask any of us. We all remember how confusing it can be to step into such a unique environment as the one cultivated here for the first time.