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~~ Niall ~~
Dev has just run out of our room, and I'm left standing in the middle of it, sick with fury at him.
He's just told me about Baz having been kidnapped. He didn't tell me that for three weeks, and I almost punched him for keeping it from me.
Then he tells me about the whole fucked up mess with his brother, which he also didn't tell me about.
So we get that sorted, and I'm sitting next to him rubbing his back because he's been crying and hiccoughing and he just really needed some kind of comfort like that, and he starts going all stiff and quiet, like there's still something on his mind.
So I ask him, what's it now? and he doesn't say. He gets up and walks away from me and kicks the leg of my desk.
I'm saying, what, what? just tell me, it'll be ok, and he's saying fuck no, hell no, get off my back, and he keeps kicking the leg of my desk and I'm getting mad because I don't want him to break my desk and it's kind of like he's kicking me, so I yell at him to quit the fuck kicking my desk and just spit it out, and he turns around with his teeth bared and hisses at me, "Fuck off" and runs out of the room.
I know if I get up and follow him and catch up to him outside our room – away from the Anathema – I'll knock him down and punch him, and I know that's not going to improve anything.
So I just sit, and hold my head, and try to figure out what the fuck is going on with me.
I know if I had to deal with the crap he's dealing with, I think I would have done just the same: I know how his father is, and the Pitches. I would have broken the rule about telling my friend everything, if I were up against everything he's up against.
I remember someone once saying something about how friendships have rules, but they're whatever rules you want, in that friendship; there isn't a standard format, not if you don't want it.
I suppose the rule about telling each other everything is killing me here. Killing being friends with Dev, and that's not what I want.
So maybe I get to change the rule.
Maybe I get to go say that: something like that. I'm not sure what, but I'm don't want it to end like this. We almost lost it, and then we got it back for ten minutes, and now we're losing it again.
I'm not letting a silly little rule like you have to share absolutely everything kill our friendship. It means too much to me.
I'm going to make up a new rule. It says that any rule that makes trouble between us is out the window. Cut that rule right out of the rulebook.
I'm going to go find him and see if he wants to do that too.
But first I'm going to tell him he doesn't have to tell me everything, I'm a shit for asking that anyways, especially right after all the things he told me and how come it was so hard to tell me.
I look all over for him and don't find him, and I'm heading back to our room thinking maybe he went back there while I was gone, then I see someone up on the ramparts. I'm not sure it's him, so I go up the stairs of Mummers faster than I ever have before, and step out onto the ramparts as quietly as I can.
I think it's him, sitting up there with his legs dangling over the edge, doubled up with his head in his hands. If he goes over the edge –
It's not going to help anything to think like that. My head clears up suddenly: it's like seeing the offense coming at me, charging down the football field, and I'm it for stopping the ball before it goes in.
"Dev, I'm really sorry. You don't have to tell me everything, I'm a stupid fuck for getting angry at you about it, please?"
He's looking at me now. I just stay where I am, just outside the door.
"You don't understand." he says. He's hoarse from all the shouting and crying, and it just tears me in two.
"Alright, so I don't understand. So, you just told me all the crap about Baz and your brother and then I got it how hard it was for you to say anything, but I was still mad because you didn't tell me for so long, and I think that was just about this kind of stupid rule about having tell your friend everything or it's not a friendship."
I take a big breath. "So I'm changing the rule. I'm changing it to say you don't have to tell me everything and we still get to be friends, and I don't have to be angry then because you didn't break some stupid rule. Is that ok with you?"
He's silent. After a long time, he says, "You don't understand. You really don't understand."
"Ok, I don't understand." I say. "I'm making a rule that says I don't have to understand and we can still be friends."
His head goes up and back and he throws up his arms and he says, "You fucker. Alright, two can play at this."
He gets down off the rampart and walks across the leads towards me, and stops right in front of me. He says, "Ok, I'm making a rule. Can I make a rule?"
I say, "Sure, if I can make up rules you can too."
He says. "I'm going way out on a fucking limb here, ok?"
I say, "You can go as fucking far out on a limb as you fucking want and I'll still be friends with you."
He puts his hands on my shoulders and drops his head down, looking at our feet. "You're killing me. I have to do this. I hope you mean it."
I say, "I said it. I'm sticking to it."
He says, "Ok, this is my rule. I get to kiss you once and if you don't like it we forget it and stay friends." He's still looking down at our feet, and his hands are claws digging into my shoulders.
I feel like a lava bomb landed on top of my head and it's washing down through me. I'm dazed. It's actually a good feeling, hot and thick and good.
I say, "Ok. We'll still be friends, no matter what." His head comes up and he lays it on me, lips just coming up against mine, and he stops there like he doesn't dare go any further.
I'm thinking, if it's like this having Dev kiss me like a butterfly landed on me, like something that perfect and lovely suddenly trusted me like that and landed on me and I'm having this lovely chill of delight, and I still get to be friends with him, I could go for that. Really go for that.
So I say, softly against his lips, "Ok, I'm making a rule. You can kiss me twice and we'll still be friends." He backs his head away and looks me in the eye, and I hold his gaze in mine, and I say, "I mean that. I didn't know I was going to mean that two minutes ago, but I mean that." and he slams me up against the door even if he is shorter than me.
Somehow we get down the stairs without stopping kissing until we're up against the door to the hallway; and we finally break apart to get ourselves down the hallway to our room without collecting any embarrassing stares from any of the other guys who are around; and we barricade our door with spells and silence our room with every spell we can think of.
Then we spend the night finding out just how good it is kissing each other and still getting to be friends.