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They’re both quiet in the car on the way back to TK’s place, letting the music on the radio fill the otherwise silent space between them.
Carlos isn’t really sure what to think. He had been nervous to ask TK out again after the failed dinner at his place, but something about the way the firefighter smiled at him as he left the police station made Carlos want to try again. Their conversation at his desk spoke volumes, with Carlos realizing that TK’s intense reaction hadn’t really been about him at all, but more about his past. TK seemed to be fighting his own demons and instead of scaring Carlos away, it just made him want to suit up and fight by his side.
His mom always said his big, selfless heart was going to destroy him one day. Now, Carlos wonders how she could’ve possibly anticipated TK Strand; he certainly didn’t.
He’d planned a casual date, not wanting to overwhelm TK again. The bar felt public and open enough to keep the other man from feeling cornered, and Carlos knew there would be familiar faces around in case TK needed to escape again.
(Not that he had actually planned for that to happen, but he really had no idea what to expect.)
What he had not anticipated was some kind of work-related falling-out between TK and Judd. The presence of the older man had set TK off the minute they walked in the bar, his body growing tense and guarded as a heated anger seemed to boil right underneath his skin. Carlos had initially been curious to find out what was going on, but after a full 30 minutes of TK only ranting about Judd, his patience had started to wane.
He finally got through to TK, and the rest of their date had been fine. TK was tragically terrible at darts, but his natural competitiveness led them to playing for a full hour. After his sixth loss, TK had begrudgingly admitted defeat, a scowl clouding his beautiful features.
Through it all, they talked. Nothing too deep, just the basic getting-to-know-you stuff: why they picked their jobs, how they felt about their families, and of course, how they discovered they were gay. As he drives, Carlos fondly remembers the ten-minute argument over the best sitcom in history - TK had argued for The Office , while he chose the classic I Love Lucy . The conversation had ended in a draw, through Carlos fully intended to revisit it in the future.
Now, turning onto TK’s street, Carlos wonders if they’ll ever get the chance to argue about TV shows again. It’s not that the quiet between them is awkward - in fact, if not for the fact that the date was kind of all over the place, it would be kind of comfortable. There’s a familiarity to sharing space with TK, like it’s just what he’s meant to do. Except, the date was all over the place, and now Carlos doesn’t know what to make of TK’s silence.
He pulls into the driveway, putting the car in park and switching off the ignition. The music keeps playing, content to continue until one of them opens the door. Carlos briefly glances to his right, watching as TK stares up at the house he shares with his dad. His face is in profile, his sharp features thrown into stunning relief. The firefighter pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, clearly lost in his thoughts, and Carlos wants nothing more than to run his finger along the line of TK’s mouth, to remove the obvious stress that weighs on the other man.
Instead, he folds his hands in his lap, twiddling his thumbs as his heart begins to race. He has no idea what happens next, but he knows it’s TK’s choice to make.
“I had a really good time tonight,” TK says softly a few minutes later, finally breaking the silence. The sentiment is so unexpected and so at odds with the current atmosphere inside the car, that Carlos can’t help but let out a huff of laughter, shaking his head. “What?” TK asks, and Carlos turns to find him wearing a confused expression.
“You don’t have to lie, TK,” Carlos says, leaning back against the headrest as he stares over at the other man. “I’d much rather you just be honest with me.”
“I am being honest,” TK says, his voice firm.
Carlos stares at him for a moment, captivated by the way his blue-green eyes shine in the semi-darkness. “Okay,” he says, giving him a nod.
TK huffs out a breath, his hand coming up to rub at his forehead. Then, seemingly coming to a decision, he looks back towards Carlos, his face set. “Walk me up?” he asks.
Instead of answering, Carlos pulls his keys from the ignition, reaching for the door. The music cuts out as he climbs from the car, circling around to join TK on the passenger side. He’s surprised when the other man leans into his side, wrapping his fingers around Carlos’s bicep as they begin to make their way up the front path.
“I’m sorry,” TK begins, as they climb the few steps up to the porch, “for kind of being all over the place tonight.”
“You don’t have to apologize, TK,” Carlos assures him, stopping in front of the door and turning to face him. “I said I wanted to get to know you, and that means all of you. Even your work drama.”
“Do you really think Judd was right?” TK asks him for the second time this evening, though less aggressive than the first. Carlos stares at him, wondering how to handle the question. “Be honest with me,” TK says, repeating his words from earlier.
“I think,” Carlos starts, choosing his words carefully, “that you and Judd can learn a lot from one another. You’ve both had very different lives, had very different experiences on the job, and you’ve both learned a lot from them. I think if the two of you found a way to be on the same side, you’d be pretty unstoppable together. But,” he continues, a smirk pulling at his lips as he brings a hand up to rest against TK’s cheek, “you both have to lose the hard heads, or you’ll just wind up in a never-ending bullfight.”
He shifts, balling his hand into a fist as he gently knocks it against TK’s skull. TK rolls his eyes as he lets out a laugh, reaching up to grab Carlos’s hand. He lets their joined hands fall between them, linking their fingers together.
“Can I make another observation?” Carlos asks after a moment, his heart pounding in his throat.
TK nods, letting their hands swing gently between them.
“It kind of seems like this move to Texas has been a really big change for you, in a lot of ways,” Carlos says, trying not to sound patronizing. He’s just trying to be realistic about this. “And even without all of the stuff that you left behind in New York, it would be a lot to handle.” He takes a deep breath, working up the nerve to say what they both need to hear. “I’m just not sure I know where I fit into all of that.”
He watches as TK visibly swallows, his eyes moving to look everywhere but directly at Carlos.
“I’m not trying to make a decision for you,” Carlos assures him. “I’m just saying…” he hesitates, trying not to be pushy. TK tightens his grip on Carlos’s hand, a reassuring action. “I guess I’m just saying that there’s no pressure here, with you and me,” he finishes, unsure if he’s made his point clearly.
TK takes a step closer, bringing his free hand up to cup Carlos’s cheek. “I think you’re right,” TK says, his voice gentle between them. “As much as I wish it wasn’t true, my life is… a mess right now. You don’t deserve to have to deal with that.”
“That’s not what I’m saying, TK,” Carlos states defensively, bringing his own hand up to cover TK’s, keeping him close. “I’m not running away from you, that’s not who I am. I would just hate to be someone who adds to the stress when I think we’re both mature enough to avoid it. Does that make sense?”
“It does make sense, even if it sucks,” TK agrees, his eyes somehow growing softer. “I meant it when I said I had a good time tonight. You really do help to pull me out of head, and I need that sometimes.”
Carlos nods. “That doesn’t have to change,” he reminds him. “You have my number, whenever you need it. I’m not running away, TK, and I’ll be here.”
“That sounds a bit like a friendship, Reyes,” TK hedges, stroking his thumb against Carlos’s cheek; he feels his skin heat up under TK’s touch.
“It can be, if that’s what you want,” Carlos assures him, turning his head to press a kiss to TK’s palm before dropping their hands between them. “You should know, though, that if we’re going to do this, you have to watch I Love Lucy reruns with me. I have friendship standards, Strand, and that’s a non-negotiable requirement,” he jokes.
TK ducks his head, laughing as he steps back, letting their hands finally disconnect. They stand before one another, two men separated by a harsh wall of reality and bad-timing.
“I like the sound of that,” TK whispers, a smile softening the resignation in his voice.
They stare at one another for a moment, letting their decision envelop them. A part of Carlos aches to reach out and touch TK; he knows that, after tonight, he might not get the chance to hold him again. But, a larger part of him knows that they’ve made the right choice, so he can’t regret it. This is for the best.
“I should go,” he finally says, digging his hands into his pockets to keep them away from TK. He turns, stepping off the porch and onto the front path.
“Good night, Carlos,” TK says, his voice carrying easily through the still night air. Carlos pauses, turning back to give him a wave.
“Good night, TK,” he says back, a forced smile on his lips.
It’ll get easier , he thinks, as he turns to keep walking.
He knows it will.