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Why do we close our eyes when we kiss someone?
I’ve always wondered that, since I was a kid. You’d say I’d know, after kissing Agatha for the first time when I was fifteen; but I didn’t get it. There were butterflies in my stomach, but my question didn’t get an answer.
Loving her never felt right. Of course I wanted her, to be by my side for the rest of my life because that was what we were supposed to do, but she never wanted that from me, and after a while, I realized I didn't want that either.
Loving her is pink, so soft and sweet. Loving Penny feels purple, full of stories and adventures. I love the two of them as friends.
But loving Baz feels golden.
I still remember the taste of our first kiss (first kisses, actually). All the urging, the wanting, the rush of adrenaline.
I used to kiss him like, if I didn't as fast as I could, I'd lose him. Like it was the end of the world.
Now, I'm kissing him slowly, going through all his body, touching him and knowing he's mine, and I'm his. We have all the time in the world to do this, to love us. To enjoy the touch of each other, all the desire and the love and the passion flooding our skins.
I love him. I’ve done it for years, without even noticing; the only constant in my life and the only thing in my mind was always him.
Every time he kisses me, a match ignites inside me; there are no butterflies, it feels like fireworks instead. My mind still goes wild, my heart still races, I still lose my breath.
When I was younger I used to think Watford was my home, my safe place —and it probably was, back then. But now, my home is where Baz is, there’s no safest place like be wrapped by his arms.
“You’re the man of my dreams.” I whisper in his ear. I can feel him blushing, and when I stare at him, he’s smiling.
“Of course I am, Simon.” His finger traces softly the lines of my face. “Every single one of my fantasies got your name, did you know?”
Now I am the one blushing. I close my eyes, leaning onto him. My lips brush his so softly, before I finally kiss him.
The stars are shinning upon us, in the blue sky. Tonight, I feel more alive than ever before. The autumn night is cool, but between Baz' arms, the world still feels so hot.
Laying on the grass, outside his Hampshire house, I finally get my answer.
All my love for him makes my heart feel full, his lips kissing mine is like heaven itself, and something like magic is covering our atmosphere.
Kissing him feels right. Kissing him feels magic. Kissing him feels real.
Thinking about these wasted years, when I thought that we hated each other, makes me want to laugh. We were so dumb, back then.
And now… I want to tell him something. “See, I finally got you now, honey, I won't let you fall.”
I do. That makes him kiss me again. “Everything makes me want to kiss you”, he said once, and I’ve been proving that for years now.
His face is lightened by the fairy lights he hanged up from a tree. We have the whole manor for ourselves —his family is out—, and yet we’re in the garden spending time, celebrating nothing but the pleasure of being together.
It’s been almost five years of this. Even in my darkest times, when everything around me seemed like falling apart, he was there to hold me in his strong arms. And when I broke up with him, wishing him to find someone better, someone who didn’t drag him into misery with himself, he waited for me, to prove me that the only man destined for him is me.
“The man in my story has always been you, Simon. We were made to match.” He told me, after the sixty-one days I kept apart from him. I used all that time to think about my life, about him, about everything. The simple thought of him kissing someone else, being in another’s man arms, loving someone who wasn’t me made me react and look for him, going out in the middle of the night, and telling him how I felt.
That I wanted him back in my life, as selfish as that might have sound. I almost told him that I loved him but his kisses kept me shut up.
Looking back in time, realizing that our hells and high waters led us here makes me feel like I’m living in a fairy tale, that I’ve finally got in my arms the prince with shining armour after defeating the dragon.
Except my prince is a handsome vampire, and the dragon were all my fears and worries.
“I love you.” Years back, these words scared me. Today is different: I can say them as many times as I want. They make me free again.
“I love you, too.” I get as response.
Baz, my golden lover, makes me free.