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He's bored before the interview even starts, but halfway through it, he's past that and onto annoyed. The boys are all talking over each other and he can feel Liam's nervous energy behind him. He takes a look at Niall, peering at Li out of the corner of his eye and he's fidgeting with a bit of cloth in his hands, tucked into himself. He could settle him with just a hand over his and Li would be grateful and breathe out this embarrassed huff of laughter at how silly he's being, insecure over nothing.
He could do that here even with the cameras watching and the sure aftermath of the fans zooming in and giffing it. They take care of each other, yeah. They're all affectionate, pouring their love for each other out in careful touches. It'd be expected. But he's not feeling especially generous today. Li's been awkward and unsure around him all day, stuck in his own stupid head and that'd be fine if Zayn hadn't asked him what was up only for Li to say he's alright.
Zayn hates it when he lies. Li knows that.
After the interview's over and they've got their mics off, Liam falls into step beside Louis, giggling into his neck like a twat and Zayn really couldn't give a shit. He's got Harry emanating comfort beside him and shuffling into the backseat of the van with him to rest a hand on his thigh while he scrolls through his Twitter mentions. Zayn's learned to tune out Louis's sharp voice, Niall's guffaws and Liam's voice booming over it all; he closes his eyes and slouches in his seat until he can rest his head on Harry's shoulder. Without looking up from his phone, Harry lifts his arm so Zayn can cuddle into his chest. He's rubbing a thumb down his back absently and Zayn is drifting off for a five minute kip when Haz asks, "you alright?"
He prefers the colors bleeding together behind his eyelids and breathing H in. He presses his face more firmly into his chest and shrugs. "Always am."
Zayn's purported as the "mysterious, moody one" but that's not him. Yeah, he does what feels right, doesn't let anyone talk him into anything and he fucks off every now and then because being around people can be suffocating. He was like that when he was just Zain and that hasn't changed now he's a pop star.
He's steady. Louis cries the most and Niall's the most anxious and Harry the most burdened by others' expectations of him. And Li... is a clusterfuck of insecurity. He's concerned about everything: what people are saying of him, if he's doing enough, if he deserves all of this accolade, how no one will really love him for him now but that was true before anyway, if the boys would be better off without him, how he can make sure he's still needed, bullshit.
What people don't see is how insecurity can make you cruel to the people trying to love you. Yeah, no one talks about that bit. And Zayn is - fuck it if he's an asshole for saying it but he's sick of it. He's so tired of reminding Liam that he's always been here for him. He's tired of it not being enough.
So when Li shuffles into his room that night for a cuddle, he rolls out of bed for a cigarette. Liam lifts himself up on his elbows and Zayn isn't looking at him but he knows Liam's brow is furrowing and his lips are jutting out in an unconscious pout and his eyes are wide and hurt. He tries not to care but finds himself sliding back into the bed anyway.
"You okay, babe?" He asks after a long pull and exhale. He can already feel it calming his sharp edges and making it alright to scratch the his upper neck, right below his hair line like he likes. His body is becoming loose and he's settling himself more easily across Zayn's lap, nuzzling into his joggers.
"Yeah," he sniffs. "Love you."
He runs hand down his back as far as the collar of Liam's shirt allows him to reach comfortably and back up again. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. So much. I - I love you." It's a prompt. He's got a hand clutching Zayn's thigh like a beg and tension is creeping back into his shoulders. He doesn't give into it though. He continues stroking Liam's neck and gives his hair a sharp tug in rebuke. Liam shudders. "Zayn." His mouth is open and he shifts so his hot breath falls where Zayn's cock is growing beneath the thick fabric.
Zayn uses his grip in his hair to slide his face along it. "Do I love you?" His voice is low and serious. Liam's eyelids squeeze together when he nods. "You were having trouble believing it today."
"I'm sorry," and he is sorry, Zayn knows. But it's not enough.
He pulls Liam off him and stands up. He rubs the end of his cigarette out and places it in the ashtray beside the hotel bed. He turns around to look at Liam who is staring at him with want in his eyes and flushed cheeks. But it's not enough.
"Tell me why," he demands.
"What?"
"Tell me why I love you."
He looks around the room like the answer will pop up on a teleprompter. And the room isn't well-lit, just a lamp on the desk across the room on, but Zayn is paying attention. His eyes are locked on Liam's and the way they shutter closed with emotion. "I don't know."
"That's your problem, isn't it." Liam flinches. His fingers are tight on the comforter.
"Please."
"Nah. Do I, like, not do enough for you? Is it me? Do you want... more?" His tone is rough with frustration and underlying desperation. "What the fuck do you want, Liam?" He doesn't want to say what he means: whatever it is, I'll do it, say it. I'll be anything. There's a voice in the back of his head reminding him that he can't fix Liam and trying to mold himself into what Li needs will only fuck the both of them up.
His willingness to stuns him, though, and he's looking at Liam, eyes wide and wet with tears, and thinking that maybe this is what it looks like when it's over. Maybe, no, this is definitely hurting more than anything has the right to. Liam must see it because he practically throws himself off the bed and at Zayn's feet with a wait, no. His hands are tight on Zayn's thighs and he shakes his head fervently against them.
"I just want you. I swear. I only want you." Zayn can't look at him but he hears him gasp and then he's sobbing, "Please. I'm an idiot. Please don't leave me. You're everything." His chest is heaving with his cries and it hurts to know he's the cause of them, to have the words to stop them and stay silent.
"I don't know, Li. Maybe, maybe we don't fit as well as we thought, yeah?" He stares up at a corner of the ceiling because if he looks down, he won't be able to stop himself from making this okay. He won't be able to hold himself back from crying himself. He wants this just as badly as Liam does.
Li is babbling and crying so hard Zayn can't make out much apart from love you, be good, please please please. He shuts his eyes against the sight of Liam broken but can't resist reaching out in comfort. He's never been able to do nothing when Liam's in pain. He's hiccuping and the sound he makes when he pushes his head into Zayn's hand is wounded and demolishes his resolve.
How can you truly love someone if you can see them pain and not be affected? Zayn doesn't know how to do that even if it'd be better for them both to end this now. He can see the end, see. He won't be able to take this forever, Liam doubting his love in this cyclical and infuriating manner and Liam won't be able to believe that Zayn is telling the truth when he says he will never want anyone else. Maybe Liam will find someone to fill that space inside of him Zayn can't reach or maybe when this -- the tours, the excess -- is over Zayn will use that as his opportunity to set himself free.
But for now, he drops down to his knees and finally looks at Liam and runs his fingers softly down his wet and splotchy face. He swallows against the building sob in his own throat and murmurs uncertainly, "I won't leave if, if you still want me."
"I do. I do, Zayn," Liam rushes to say.
Zayn shushes him with a kiss that is tender and regretful. "I love you so much. You don't see it," he says when he pulls back and now he is crying, "but I'd do anything for you to be happy even if that's..." He clears his throat, swallows and takes a deep breath. It won't be the first time he's suggested it tonight and he knows that Liam is desperate for him in a way that is both reassuring and disconcerting. He can't help but feel vulnerable and afraid though. "Even if that's not with me."
They are silent for a while in which Liam tugs Zayn up and leads him back to the bed. He kisses away a tear on the cheek closest to him, puts his hand over Zayn's heart and his head on his shoulder. He waits until Zayn's chest stops convulsing with held-back emotion. He waits until his own tears have stopped and his mind no longer feels as clouded by panic, until the feeling of security Zayn's arms bring envelopes him.
"I'll go," he says.
Zayn tenses and lets out a shaky breath. "Go?"
"You asked me once if I'd thought about talking to someone about, do you remember?" Zayn nods. "I thought it wouldn't help because nothing's wrong with me but it has to be if --- there's got to be something really fucked and I don't want to lose you. Or hurt you. I don't want to be this person who makes you think you're not enough because you are. More than." Zayn turns to his side and pushes his face into Liam's neck in thanks. Li strokes barely there touches down his back that make him shiver. "And I want, I want forever with you."
He whispers it shyly like a secret and his lips press against his forehead. His temple. Trail across his cheek.
"You can have it."