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“I thought you’d gone home El,” Race said, lighting a cigarette. It was nearing one am, and everyone had gone home, drawing film night to a close. Race had seen Elmer get up earlier, and just assumed the younger had gone home, so they were a little surprised to see him on the balcony.
“Nah, needed some fresh air, ‘s nice out here,” Elmer replied, turning his body slightly so he could look at Race.
“I know,” Race nodded, taking a seat beside him, “we’ve got a nice place.”
“Can I have one?” Elmer asked, and Race could only assume he was asking for a cigarette.
They nodded, “only if you tell me what’s wrong,” Race said, passing the box and lighter over. This was unusual behaviour from Elmer, but Race knew this wasn’t the first time they’d felt something off with the younger. And since it was so late, and no one else was around, they hoped Elmer would tell them what was wrong.
“‘M tired,” Elmer shrugged, feeling himself tense up at the thought of telling anyone what was going on in his head. It was dark in there, and he didn’t need to make anyone else feel the way he was feeling.
“Yeah good try,” Race laughed, “we’ve all used that one Elmer.”
Elmer sighed, “it was worth a try,” he said, resting his head against the wall as he took a drag. It tasted grim, and he continued to wonder how Race had one so often, but Elmer didn’t care. He needed this tonight, needed something in his system other than loneliness and self hatred.
“Talk to me, you know I ain’t gonna judge you,” Race said, putting the younger on the shoulder.
“I don’t know what to say,” Elmer admitted, looking up at Race with a look of desperation. He supposed he was desperate. Everything was too much, and he couldn’t do anything about it, Elmer desperately wanted that to change.
“D’you want me to say something?” Race asked, shivering slightly in the cold. They were beginning to regret coming out here in just a t-shirt, it was far too cold for that.
Elmer nodded his head slightly, just enough for Race to see, “what’s up with you?” he mumbled, eyes going back to the skyline, it really was beautiful out there.
“Do you know why I smoke?” Race asked, relaxing against the wall as they looked at Elmer.
Elmer shook his head, “‘s your dad’s fault isn’t it?”
“Kind of,” Race admitted, stubbing his cigarette out on the floor. “My dad left ‘em out, that’s why I started. But I should’ve stopped. I tried to, since the smell reminds me so much of him, but I couldn’t.”
“Why not?” Elmer asked, looking back over to Race. The elder looked a little defeated, and Elmer couldn’t help but feel like he’d caused this, if he could have been in a good mood, Race would be too.
“Not smoking made me feel so hungry. They’re an appetite suppressant, which I didn’t know at the time, but I,” they faltered, “food scares me, so the less hungry I feel the better. I know they’re bad for me, I just don’t want to feel that hungry ever again.” Race’s hands were shaking by the time they had finished, this really wasn’t how he had pictured his night ending. They were expecting a few minutes outside, before going to bed and having Spot tell them off for smoking so much, not out here with Elmer selling their soul.
“I’m sorry Tony. That’s why you always make excuses when food is around then, and why you’re so damn thin,” Elmer said, turning around so he was properly facing Race. He felt a little stupid, he had noticed all the signs, but not put the evidence together.
Race let out a small laugh, which was a hollow sound, “yeah, I’m trying, Jack’s always trying to feed me up, but it doesn’t get better overnight you know.”
Elmer nodded, he did know. He felt his mind whirring as he tried to come up with something to say. His mind felt so jumbled, he couldn’t find the right words to say.
“I’ve been having a difficult few days,” Elmer decided on eventually.
“Oh yeah.”
“Yeah, well no. Not days I guess, it’s been a bit shit for a while,” he said, hands clenching into fists as he tried to avoid crying. Crying never helped, it always made everything feel so much worse.
Race didn’t say anything, just nodded their head, willing Elmer to go on.
“I’ve been doing something real dumb Tony, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I want to stop, it just feels like it’s getting out of control at the moment. Everything feels out of control.” Elmer took a deep breath, this was already far more difficult to talk about than he’d expected, and what he’d expected had been pretty rough.
“What have you been doing Elmer?” Race asked in a small voice. They took hold of the younger’s hand, squeezing it tightly in the hopes that would comfort him a little.
“I hurt myself,” Elmer said in a voice barely above a whisper. He couldn’t believe he was here admitting this. He had a roof over his head, college was going really well, he had a pretty exciting job, and here he was, nearly crying on a balcony at one in the morning, because he couldn’t handle living.
“In what way?”
Race’s response brought him out of his little pity party. He looked up at his friend, the person taking time out of their life to make sure he was okay, and all he could see was concern, someone who really cared about him.
Elmer breathed deeply, “I cut, have done for a really long time now,” he said, a little shake in his voice.
Race frowned, they hated seeing a friend like this, so scared, in so much pain. They wanted to hold Elmer close, and let him know everything would be okay, but that would be lying, and Race didn’t want to lie.
“Does it help?” Race asked, hoping this wasn’t the wrong direction to steer the conversation, “does it make your head feel better?”
Elmer nodded, “yeah, it makes it quieter for a bit,” he said, squeezing Race’s hand tightly, “it means I can feel something.”
The look Race gave Elmer was one of understanding, and Elmer couldn’t help but wonder when their group of friends had become this much of a mess. He knew it wasn’t just the two of them whose mental health was on the ropes. What had happened to make them all so much of a mess.
“I’m here for you, you know that right,” Race half whispered, “I know that won’t make you stop, or make everything okay, as long as you know you’re not alone.”
“Do you ever think worse thoughts?” Elmer choked out, looking up at the sky as he continued to fight the tears that threatened to fall.
“What kind of thoughts?”
Elmer lost the fight, tears streaming down his cheeks as he tried to force the words out, “like you’d be better off letting go.” He didn’t even try and wipe the tears away, he just let them fall on his lap, feeling ever so pathetic.
“Yes,” came Race’s response, slightly muffled by the sound of his heart pounding in his ears, “but it won’t be, I know that. There are so many people here that love you Elmer, I love you, and letting go won’t make anything easier, it just passes your pain onto someone else.”
He looked up to see Race crying too, and for a moment he felt like he could truly believe those words.
“You’ve tried to let go?”
It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement, but from the sad nod of his friends' head he understood why the stars looked quite so appealing. But like they had said, it would pass the pain onto someone else, and then someone else would be out on a balcony, looking up at the stars like they could save them.
“I don’t want to let go,” Elmer admitted, “I just don’t want to hurt like this anymore.”
Race nodded, and quickly their arms were around Elmer holding him so tightly, “I know, and I’m glad you said that. It’s going to be a long road El, but I’m here for you, day or night, it doesn’t matter, but the pain won’t last forever, I can promise you that.”
They sat there together for a while, both crying harder than they would ever admit, till Elmer felt like he could move. He was slow to pull out of the embrace, not really wanting to let go.
“Thank you Tony,” he mumbled tearfully, wiping his face in a vague attempt to clean it up.
“Are you ready to go inside, it’s awful cold out here?” Race asked, getting a small laugh from Elmer. They were honestly freezing at this point, but nothing a blanket and a jumper couldn’t fix.
Elmer let out a deep sigh then nodded, “yeah, don’t want to end up like icicles,” he joked, groaning as he forced himself to his feet. Having been sat for so long, his legs had apparently given up on him.
Race laughed slightly, “that would really suck,” they said, some part of their body clicking as they stretched everything out, “do you want to stay here tonight?”
Nodding his head slightly, Elmer opened the door, enjoying the warmth he felt. He hadn’t quite realised how cold it had been outside, since he’d been feeling quite so numb, but now inside a warm apartment it became obvious. He shivered slightly, wiggling his fingers in the hopes of warming them up a little.
"Get comfy, I'll be back in a second," Race said, throwing a blanket at Elmer's head before disappearing off.
Elmer suddenly felt very afraid on his own, he wanted Race back beside him, he wanted to be held by them. It felt so dumb, and Elmer couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed, but that was how he felt, and he hoped Race wouldn't leave him on his own.
Race returned a few moments later, a t-shirt and a pair of joggers in their hands. They threw them over to Elmer, then took a seat on the sofa. "Go get changed, 'm not going anywhere," they said, shoving Elmer's shoulder slightly.
Feeling able to believe them, Elmer got up and changed quickly. He found himself staring at his arms, realising this was the first time he had worn a t-shirt in so long. This wasn't helping, Elmer knew that, but it didn't stop him from staring at his scarred arms.
Deciding to wear his jumper instead, he quickly swapped the two items, before going back out to find Race.
"You don't happen to have something long sleeved?" Elmer asked, looking a little embarrassed as Race watched him.
Race nodded, not saying anything as they took the t-shirt, coming back with a replacement seconds later.
"Sorry," they said, "I didn't want you getting too hot."
"No, it's okay, it's me, I can't deal with looking at it," Elmer explained himself, turning around to change while Race made their way back to the sofa.
"Do you want me to stay?" Race asked, as they curled up under a blanket, scrolling through things on their phone.
Elmer nodded his head a little too desperately, "can't be alone right now," he admitted sheepishly, as he sat beside the elder.
"It's okay I get it, me and Al have had so many sofa sleepovers, just get comfy, I'll be here when you wake up," Race said in a way that insinuated Elmer was tired.
It was true, and as a yawn spread through his lips, Elmer cuddled himself under the blanket, wiggling around until he was comfortable.
"Thank you Tony," Elmer said softly, as his eyes fell shut. They were just too heavy to keep open any longer. He was exhausted, probably because he'd cried so much.
"Anytime El," Race whispered in response, fingers running through Elmer's brown hair.
It was very comforting, and it didn't take long for Elmer to drift off, feeling like he wasn't alone for the first time in so, so long.