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December has always been a busy month for idols; with all the promotions, year-end shows, and award shows, idols are pressured to stay healthy and perform well for their fans. Most of their time is spent in training rooms, dance studios, and recording studios. But the people who feel the most pressured are the rookies.
The upcoming award show was the first award show Seijoh was attending as an official boy group, and Oikawa could feel the pressure weighing on him. He wanted to win the rookie award for his group because he believes they deserve it, they worked hard for it, and it was his responsibility as their leader to let them win.
Oikawa stayed in the dance studio and recording studio longer than anyone else. He would always train alone because he would supervise his group and have limited time to practice with them and improve himself. But it was fine. He wanted his group to perform the best they could, so he's fine with spending more time training alone to improve himself.
Oikawa was dancing in front of the mirror when the door slammed open, startling him. He turned his head towards the door and saw Iwaizumi leaning on the door frame with his arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Oikawa clutched his chest and took a deep breath to calm himself.
"Iwa-chan, why did you have to startle me like that? I was practicing!" Oikawa whined then pouted before returning his gaze towards the mirror to return to practice.
"It's three in the morning. What are you still doing here?" Iwaizumi asked while Oikawa goes over their dance, his eyes watching and judging his own moves the same way he does with his group members.
"I didn't notice. I was just practicing. I'm never satisfied with how I'm dancing the chorus part," Oikawa answered without stopping.
Iwaizumi sighed and pushed himself off the doorframe and walked towards the portable speaker sitting at the studio's corner. He turned it off before walking towards Oikawa to pin him against the wall, forcing him to stop practicing.
"Iwa-chan, what the hell are you doing? I was practicing!" Oikawa scolded as he struggles to break free from Iwaizumi's grip.
Iwaizumi wanted to headbutt Oikawa right then and there, but he couldn't damage their visual's face a few days before their appearance at the award show. So, he settled with sighing and resting his forehead on Oikawa's shoulder to make him stop moving.
"Take a rest. You're gonna get sick if you keep training until the sun comes up," Iwaizumi whispers, he was praying Oikawa would listen, but his boyfriend was too stubborn to do so.
"Just let me practice for one more hour, and I'll go to sleep," Oikawa said, but Iwaizumi wasn't convinced. The latter took a deep breath before letting go of Oikawa.
Iwaizumi sat on the floor with his back leaning on the mirror, and his legs spread wide open as he taps the space between his legs because he knew his boyfriend was weak against him asking for cuddle moments. Oikawa sighed and sat between Iwaizumi's legs, letting his long legs wrap around Iwaizumi's waist.
"You should learn how to rest, Tooru," Iwaizumi said as he lets his hand sweep away Oikawa's dampened fringe that stuck to his forehead. Oikawa pouted and fidgets with his fingers, his head lowered and avoiding Iwaizumi's gaze.
"I just want everything to be perfect," Oikawa whispers before sighing and running his hand through his hair.
"What's wrong?" Iwaizumi asks as he takes Oikawa's hands before using one hand to raise Oikawa's chin to make him look at him in the eyes. "What are you afraid of, Tooru? Tell me,"
Oikawa sighed and moved closer to Iwaizumi to let his forehead rest on Iwaizumi's shoulder while the latter wraps his arms around the brunette's waist.
"What if we don't win?" Oikawa asked, his voice almost inaudible.
"Then we don't," Iwaizumi says, making Oikawa raise his head and slapped Iwaizumi's chest, making the latter roll his eyes.
"That's not helping, Hajime," Oikawa said as he slumps and plays with Iwaizumi's fingers.
Iwaizumi runs one hand over Oikawa's hair before letting it rest on the brunette's nape as he moves to kiss his eyes.
"Is this because of that one time?" Iwaizumi asked. Oikawa pursed his lips and lowered his head once again, an action he'd do when he's too ashamed to admit something.
Iwaizumi sighed and said, "Tooru, we were sixteen when that happened,"
-*-
Iwaizumi recalled what happened that night, they were on their second survival show, and Oikawa was under pressure. He's been producing songs and choreographing every week as he leads a new mix of groupmates. The pressure was too much, and during one practice, he decided to disappear. No one knew where he was, and everyone knew he didn't have any money. They were trainees at the time, so they didn't have a single dime in their pockets, and the savings they have were only used for emergencies.
Everyone panicked and decided to postpone his group's practice to look for him. Iwaizumi wanted to go, but he was placed in a different group, which meant he needed to stay and practice for their next performance.
The crew then found Oikawa when it was already past seven P.M. They found him in Shishigajo Park in Tome, Miyagi, which was eleven kilometers away from their company building and dorm. When they asked him how he got there, he answered that he walked for two hours straight to get there.
Iwaizumi wanted to meet him when he was escorted to where they were filming, but the crew was strict and told him he couldn't see Oikawa until the filming hours were over. But he did hear that Oikawa bought everyone ice cream with what little savings he has an apology for running away.
Once the training ended, and everyone was sent to their shared dorm, Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa asked him what happened and why he ran away. Still, all he said was, "that was a stupid decision, let's not talk about it," before leaving them and going to sleep.
But no matter how much Oikawa avoided the topic and brushed it off, saying it was him being stupid, the three of them discovered the truth after the episode that covered him running away was aired.
Oikawa had a camera pointed at him while he was walking with his head hung low as one of the show producers asks why he ran away.
"I was tired, and I needed to take a break. My thoughts were getting to me, and I didn't want my groupmates to see me breakdown,"
-*-
Ever since that day, Iwaizumi made sure he'd always look after Oikawa no matter what happens. He didn't want Oikawa to run away again, and he was afraid of what would happen if his boyfriend lets the pressure get to him, and he runs away again.
"Yeah, I fucking disappointed everyone," Oikawa answered, guilt lacing his voice as he sniffs. "I can't help thinking about it, and I think the only way I'd feel better is if our group wins."
Iwaizumi's heart broke when he saw how Oikawa's tears fall on the floor. He sniffed and buried his face in his palms as he sobs.
"Tooru, you did what you needed to do," Iwaizumi said and pulled Oikawa into a hug.
"What if we get a dark ocean because of me? Iwa, I'm scared, I'm so fucking scared," Oikawa admitted as he wraps his arms around Iwaizumi.
Iwaizumi's mind went when Oikawa was hated, and his heart broke even more for Oikawa.
-*-
It was during their second survival show once again, when Oikawa was thrown into their third survival show along with Iwaizumi. Their CEO asked them to jungle being in two survival shows to promote their future group and secure their debut. They both knew it would be a difficult task, having to film two survival shows simultaneously, but they wanted to do it for their debut, so they agreed.
During one of the episodes of their third survival show, Oikawa fucked up his performance after giving in to what the other contestants said about him. But during the elimination round, where people were asked to vote who could stay and leave, Oikawa took the number one spot for who the fans wanted to stay.
Everyone hated Oikawa at the time. Outraged fans of the other contestants started cursing him, saying he didn't deserve to stay in the competition and the only reason he was voted to stay was that a hugely popular company backed him up and that he was already popular from having been a part of two survival shows before the third one.
Oikawa felt insecure, and he knew he didn't deserve to stay. He believed that the person eliminated had better performance and was more deserving of staying. He was so guilty that he ended up locking himself up in their dorm's washroom to cry.
Oikawa came back to the show after the elimination round. He pretended that it was nothing, but Iwaizumi knew that the brunette had dark bags and puffy skin under the heavy makeup he was wearing.
Oikawa did his best to make it up for the performance he messed up, but he still lost and was voted to leave after the performance.
-*-
"That won't happen, Tooru, we won't receive a black ocean," Iwaizumi said and continued to rub Oikawa's back.
He hated that he couldn't do anything to make Oikawa feel better, all he could offer were a few words and a hug, and he hated it. He wanted to take away all of Oikawa's fears and insecurities, but he couldn't.
"Tooru, you brought our group here, you helped us get through two survival shows," Iwaizumi whispered and kissed the side of Oikawa's head, "you're fucking amazing, and we wouldn't be here if it weren't for you,"
"But we wouldn't have gone through two if I only made us win the first time," Oikawa said and broke the hug.
"Then that would mean Kunimi and Kindaichi wouldn't be with us. Remember they were added during the second survival show?" Iwaizumi said and wiped Oikawa's tears with his thumb.
"That's true, but Kunimi is such a bitch sometimes," Oikawa said chuckled before sniffing.
Iwaizumi smiled because it seems like Oikawa felt a little better after opening up. But his heart ached when he remembered their last performance for the last episode of their second survival show.
-*-
Everyone was gearing up for their closing performance. Oikawa was tasked to produce three different songs and choreograph dances for all three groups involved and one song and choreography for everyone to perform.
The pressure was heavy on Oikawa's shoulder, and every night was spent with only an hour of sleep. Oikawa lost so much weight, and the bags under his eyes can't be covered by makeup. Iwaizumi repeatedly told him to go to sleep and even lock the doors to the dance and music studio. Still, Oikawa was persistent because he continued to work in their washroom to avoid disturbing anyone in their dorm.
Everyone felt so sorry for putting all of the weight on Oikawa's shoulder and offered every help they could.
"Help me with the lyrics," Oikawa said after gathering everyone in one dance studio. "I want you all to write what you felt during this survival show. Take things from your diaries or just write what you want. I'll turn it into a song,"
Everyone did as told, and after suffering sleepless nights, Oikawa was done producing the song. He gave everyone their parts and taught them the tune.
They all started singing and rapping their parts. Neither knew anything about the song except for their parts, so hearing each other's parts made them understand each other more. But the part that surprised them the most was Oikawa's.
They never expected him to be so raw about his emotions on his part. He's always been closed off about things that mattered, so it was a surprise for them to hear him sing about how burdened he felt during the entire survival show, and how at one point, he lost his love for music. But the most surprising of all was that he almost quitted.
Iwaizumi felt like shit after hearing Oikawa's part. He hated himself for not doing anything to relieve himself, but there was no point in wallowing about what had already happened. All he could do now was to make sure that Oikawa won't feel that way again.
-*-
"Tooru, it was your songs that brought us here. Your songs were the reason we got to debut. Your choreographies are why we have something to perform. You carried everyone on your back without asking for anything in return. You made six dreams come true, so stop feeling guilty about running away, stop thinking about receiving a dark ocean, and stop thinking that people will hate us." Iwaizumi said and lets their forehead rest on each other.
"Even if all of those happen, our fans got our back, our group has your back, but most of all, your family and I are here for you, no matter what happens," Iwaizumi continued and looks Oikawa straight in the eyes.
Oikawa took a deep breath and nodded before smiling at Iwaizumi, "you're right, but I still feel like shit, though. I won't feel better that easily. This trauma won't go away that easily,"
Iwaizumi nodded and cupped Oikawa's face before squeezing it, making Oikawa look like a fish, "I know, but I'll get you a Daesang and a rookie award if that would make you feel better all the way through."
Oikawa laughed despite having his face squished between Iwaizumi's hands. The brunette raised his hands and squished Iwaizumi's cheeks between his hands as well before pinching and stretching his cheeks.
A few minutes later, Iwaizumi lets go of Oikawa's face, and so did the latter.
"Let's go to sleep," Iwaizumi said, and Oikawa nodded. They both stood up and walked with their hands intertwined before letting go when they were outside to walk to their dorm.
Iwaizumi bought them canned coffee to drink as they banter on the streets at three in the morning. They arrived in their new and upgraded dorm. Iwaizumi forced Oikawa to sleep in his room, saying, "I'll have my arms wrapped around you as we sleep so you can't sneak away and lock yourself in the washroom to practice."
Oikawa pouted but didn't protest, so that morning, they slept in Iwaizumi's room with Iwaizumi's arm tightly wrapped around Oikawa's waist.
The day of the award show came, and Seijoh performed as best as they could. As Iwaizumi watch Oikawa sing and dance under the glaring stage lights on the same stage as him, he couldn't help but smile at how Oikawa's eyes glimmered brighter, how his lips curved into a genuine smile as he performs, and how he shone without the help of a spotlight on him.
Their fans screamed their fanchant as they bob their light sticks to their performance, and Iwaizumi's lips grew wider.
They reached Oikawa's solo, and the lights went out as the music stops along with the chanting. A single spotlight illuminated Oikawa as the rest of Seijoh stood in the stage's dark corner.
Iwaizumi could feel his heart in his throat as he waits for Oikawa to start singing.
The brunette stood in the middle of the stage, his eyes scanning the crowd and smiling when he saw their lightsticks. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to start singing as he remembers why he wanted to be on stage. He recalled all the struggles he went through with his current group, the support his family and his boyfriend gave him, the faith and trust his groupmates placed on him, and the love his fans were giving him.
In that one minute solo he had, he realized Iwaizumi was right. He didn't need to fear anything. Everyone has got his back, and they always will have it. In that short time, all the fears, guilt, and burden he felt were suddenly gone. He felt free, and the rookie award didn't seem all too important.
Oikawa realized he was happy where he was, and he couldn't help the tears that fall from his eyes, as a proud grin hidden in the dark caught his eyes.
"Thank you," Oikawa mouthed towards the person who's been with him during the rocky journey before the lights came back on, and their performance continued.
Oikawa's worries were erased during that night, and they went home with their first award, the Rookie Award.