Work Text:
Coulson didn't like being surprised in his own office. Ever since May left, his office had become a sort of sanctuary, a place where he could get away from everyone else and just process whatever catastrophe they were dealing with at the moment. It was harder to sort through the pros and cons of the day without May there, so Coulson preferred metaphorically banging his head against the wall in private rather than with an audience.
It felt like an almost criminal invasion of privacy, having someone stepping into his "safe space" and just hanging out in there. Daisy had a habit of just showing up, so it had become almost ritualistic for him to open the door, mutter "Goodnight Daisy", and have her shuffle her way out in disappointment before he could get any work done.
This day had been particularly exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and all Phil wanted to do was sit at his desk and pass out. The door opened with a soft swoosh, and he glanced at the blob stationed by his window before moving to his desk with a yawn.
"Goodnight, Daisy."
"I think you've got your wires crossed, Director."
Coulson blinked, confused when Andrew Garner turned around and gave him an amused smile. He was standing by the window, a cup of coffee in one hand, his other hand holding his phone. He looked… pensive, or at least like he wasn't sure how he was feeling right then, even with the smile on his face.
"Sorry about that, Andrew. She’s usually in here at the end of the day." Coulson plopped down in his chair, running a hand over his face. "Especially when she knows I’m tired."
"I’m assuming you fall asleep at your desk a lot?" Andrew chuckled, taking the offered seat across the desk. "Enough to worry Daisy?"
"It happens more often than I'd care to admit." Coulson muttered, laughing softly. “You might say I have some sort of psychotic tendency if I told you.”
“No, I know you.” Andrew chuckled, setting his cup of cold coffee on the desk and crossing his arms over his chest. “I would just say you need to invest in some sleeping pills. Or perhaps change careers to one that would allow time for more sleep, if you could.”
Coulson snorted, opening the bottom drawer of his desk, pulling out a bottle of unbranded vodka and two glasses. "We both know I wouldn’t be able to switch careers."
"Of course." Andrew watched as Coulson poured the liquid into the shot glasses. “Yeah, I’m not sure you would survive as a… well, anything other than a S.H.I.E.L.D agent.”
Coulson laughed, handing Andrew one of the glasses and snorting when he downed it quickly before swallowing hard.
"Whoo.” Andrew coughed, setting the glass down as he winced. “Haven't had anything that strong in a while."
"It was May's. A birthday present that we never got around to finishing. Not sure where she got it from." Coulson was unaware that his tone had turned wistful, as if he were daydreaming as he refilled his glass and knocked it back with no problem. Andrew briefly wondered if this was a sign that Phil had developed a drinking problem while Melinda was away. His own throat was still burning from the one shot he’d taken, it was baffling to just sit there and watch Phil gulp them down like that.
"Are you alright, Phil?"
Coulson’s brow furrowed for half a second before he shrugged, leaning back in his chair, his tablet on his lap. There wasn’t much showing on the tablet besides the news updates from outlets that somehow had gotten information about their mission, but it was nice to have something else to focus on besides this conversation.
"I'm fine.” he scrolled through the different inaccurate articles in front of him, his eyes going in and out of focus already as he tried to pull himself together. He should have grabbed the bottle of wine, not May’s weird birthday vodka. “Exhausted and constantly worried about the fate of the universe, but fine."
"I meant how are you doing in regards to Melinda being here?" Andrew chuckled, toying with his empty shot glass. “Although we should discuss that other issue at some point.”
Coulson stiffened. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about May’s return… Because he still wasn’t sure how he was feeling about it.
He was glad she was back, ecstatic really. It felt so right to have her back at his side, to look up and find her standing there during debriefings instead of wondering what she was doing in Hawaii and hoping she was alright. But it was a bittersweet sort of ecstatic, like part of him felt guilty for being so happy. She had been on vacation, lounging on a beach with a man she cared for, sipping fruity drinks and getting lost in the serenity of the island. And now she was back, getting shot at, being targeted by different governments, being betrayed by people they thought they could trust, fighting extraterrestrials who only wanted to see them suffer or enslave them… all to protect humanity.
Coulson felt like it was his fault. Maybe if May didn’t know how much he depended on her, she wouldn’t have come back. She could have stayed in Hawaii with Andrew and forgot all about the turmoil she had been put through, if it weren’t for him being so… attached to her.
“...why do I get the feeling I’m being analyzed right now?” Phil snorted, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Hey, however you take this is your business.” Andrew chuckled, setting his glass down on the desk. “I’m just checking in on a friend.”
“Right.” Phil snorted, pouring yet another glass. “I actually feel like I should be asking you how you’re doing with May here. She is your ex-wife. And… as far as I know, things didn’t end too well with you two.”
"Did Melinda say that?”
“Not exactly," Coulson shrugged, his head feeling more than a little floaty. Why did May insist on giving him something so strong? "I just get that feeling.”
“Well you can let the feeling go.” Andrew practically scoffed, a slightly self-deprecating laugh ending his sentence. “Melinda and I reached a sort of agreement. Things ended very amicably, considering.”
“Considering?”
“Considering the fact that we argued some.”
Coulson could tell Andrew didn’t want to elaborate, although he couldn’t fight the slight giddy chill that ran through him when he wondered if their argument had had anything to do with whatever feelings May had towards him.
“Oh.” was all he could manage. He had plenty more he could say, of course, especially since the alcohol running through his system had loosened his tongue… But most of what he was thinking would only cause unnecessary tension around the base if May found out.
“It wasn’t anything too bad. Just a little disagreement where I tried to ‘tell her what to do with her life’.” Andrew’s air quotes drew a rather uncharacteristically goofy laugh out of his already tipsy friend.
“Did you know she was... coming back?" Phil didn't even try to pretend he wasn't genuinely curious, a soft hiccup breaking up his sentence. "Did she tell you she was?”
“I was just as in the dark as you were, honestly. We hadn’t had much contact after Hawaii so you can imagine I was pretty surprised to see her here.” Andrew paused, laughing softly. “Although I don’t know why. I had a feeling she couldn’t stay away for long. S.H.I.E.L.D is her life.”
“I hoped she would stay in Hawaii. For her own sake.” Coulson’s words came out with a slight whine, Andrew watching with mild concern as Phil knocked back a quick shot. "She needs a break more than any of us.”
“Okay and you need a break from this alcohol.” Andrew said slowly, reaching forward and pulling the bottle off of the desk while Phil stared at a point that was to the left of his face instead of his face. “Do you really think Melinda would be able to relax and take a vacation like a normal civilian? Really?”
“I said I hoped she would.” Coulson's voice was only vaguely slurred even though his face had that stereotypical ‘I just drank too much’ look on it.
“I spent most of our vacation trying to take her mind off of it all, and I know it didn't work." Andrew laughed. "She actually called me Phil a few times when we first got there. I couldn't bring myself to correct her."
"Guess I'm more of an annoyance than I thought. Like a parasitic roach." Phil's own laugh was tinged with a mix of guilt and confusion. That statement hadn't even made sense to him.
His gaze dropped to the tablet in his lap, his brow furrowed since the images on the tablet seemed skewed and strange. He swallowed and realized that Andrew was probably right to take that bottle of vodka from him. He was liable to say anything right now as it was. He could only imagine what he might say if he kept drinking.
"I bet she had a good time, though. Hawaii is beautiful.” Coulson shrugged, trying to pull himself together. “She always wanted to go. Used to talk about it all the time before Bahrain."
Andrew watched Coulson’s face suddenly screw up at the mention of Bahrain, as if he hadn’t meant to say it.
"Well, she enjoyed herself as much as one can when their mind is elsewhere." Andrew's response was ridiculously vague, just trying to get that pained look off of his friend's face. Phil was even easier to read when drunk. He didn’t even need to look very hard, all of the man’s emotions were strewn across his face. It almost made him jealous, seeing how much even mentioning Bahrain bothered Phil… But it made sense. Phil had been the only one to see Melinda break down immediately after she’d been forced to shoot that little girl, had been the one to hold her in his arms and feel her sob from the loss. The memory of seeing Melinda fall apart with grief was something that would be burned into anyone's memory, especially someone like Phil who tended to care very deeply for those he was close to.
Phil sighed heavily, unaware of the torrent of thoughts running through Andrew’s head. He grunted, setting his tablet on the desk rather dramatically and fixing Andrew with a slightly annoyed look that looked more like he’d just eaten some bitter fruit.
"Is there something you want to tell me Andrew?" he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest again.
"Nothing you don't already know." Andrew shrugged, thoroughly amused to find that Melinda hadn’t been over exaggerating her stories of Phil when he was tipsy. According to her, he was usually able to handle his alcohol pretty well, but sometimes went just a little too fast and didn’t give himself enough time to adjust. It was almost comical. He was still pretty composed, but everything he was feeling was displayed all over his face, nothing hidden.
Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing as he felt a headache blossoming at the back of his head. The part of him that could still think straight knew he would be regretting this in the morning.
"Andrew I'm sorry, but it's been a… confusingly long day, and-"
"And you want me to get to the point."
"Yes please. Before I collapse on this desk and we end up getting nowhere."
"Alright then." Andrew cleared his throat, pouring his own shot and grunting when the burn felt like fire in his throat. He coughed once, setting the bottle of vodka on the floor out of both he and Phil's reach.
Coulson watched him silently, his eyes glazed over for a moment while he waited for Andrew to continue.
"You're in love with Melinda."
Well that was sobering. Coulson laughed suddenly, his body stiff and his heart pounding as he tried to look unfazed. It didn't work, of course.
"Um…Me in...? With Melinda? May?” he slurred. Wow, he really was a mess when he was tipsy. “I don’t…”
Coulson stopped, his stomach flopping when he saw the look on Andrew's face. He could tell from Andrew’s raised eyebrow that there wasn’t any use in trying to save face or even begin to deny his statement. Somewhere deep down he knew Andrew would finally see the signs, knew that Andrew wasn't so thick in the head that he couldn't tell when someone was infatuated with his ex-wife. Coulson didn't know why he kept lying to himself, trying to convince himself that he could hide his feelings so well that a trained professional couldn't figure them out.
He had never been very good in that area.
"I married a beautiful woman, Phil. You really think I wouldn't be able to tell when another man saw it too?" Andrew laughed. “Especially when they have a history like you two do?”
Coulson could only laugh just a little too loud and wish he were anywhere but sitting in front of May's ex-husband.
"I… I didn't think it was that obvious.” Coulson chuckled weakly, rubbing the back of his neck. “How… How long have you known?"
"Oh, much longer than I care to admit, Phil. Trust me." Andrew snorted, then chuckled, and Coulson was surprised to note that it sounded like a genuine laugh. "You're a relatively open book, psychologically speaking, and Melinda isn't as difficult to figure out as everyone thinks. Actually, it's relatively easy to see when anyone’s interest has been piqued in that way, if you know what to look for. You of all people should know that."
Coulson bit his lip, frowning. He tried not to remember the lack of that certain something Andrew was referring to when May was involved with Grant Ward, but his clouded mind decided to do whatever it wanted to do.
"May and Ward had an arrangement." Coulson blurted and tried to shrug, but it looked more like he was falling over before righting himself. He wasn't sure why he was bringing this up, it had just worked itself out of his mouth. "I knew something was going on because of Ward. May didn't change at all."
Andrew's eyebrows raised, and Coulson could only laugh uncomfortably at his reaction. Apparently this was the first time Andrew was hearing about any of this.
"Grant Ward? The agent who was HYDRA?”
Coulson nodded, leaning back in his chair to distract from the way his jaw set involuntarily at the mentioning of Ward’s name.
“Well. That explains a few things.” Andrew looked thoroughly shocked for about 45 seconds, before he schooled his features back and focused on Coulson. “I get the feeling you weren't too happy about that."
"May's an adult." Coulson muttered, choosing not to dwell on the fact that Andrew saw this as more of a session for Coulson instead of a conversation between friends. "She wanted to do it, so she did it. I knew she had the situation handled if it went sideways.”
“But that didn’t make it easy to deal with.” Andrew paused, his brow furrowing. "Did you have her tested?"
"What for? STDs?" Coulson's laugh sounded both offended and amused...but also very tipsy. "I don't think Jemma did, and I'm pretty sure Ward was clean. Besides, May would never let anyone near-"
"Not what I meant." Andrew interrupted, his own laughter sounding so much clearer and human-like. "I meant scan her brain or something like that. HYDRA brainwashes their… recruits, if that's what you would call them. I was just wondering if Grant Ward…"
"If he worked some HYDRA voodoo magic and made her sleep with him?"
"It's a reach, I know. Melinda isn't one to be brainwashed easily."
"Well unless HYDRA has somehow figured out how to brainwash someone into being their mindless slave while also being the most incredible S.H.I.E.L.D agent this side of the Milky Way…" Phil had no idea what all he was revealing, and Andrew could tell.
The man was practically becoming one with his chair at this point, the way he had slunk down, his eyes fixed on the tablet on his desk… Andrew could tell this conversation was going to end with Coulson passed out in front of him.
"Are you ever going to tell her?"
Coulson stared at him, his blinks slightly slower than before.
"Don't see a reason to." He grunted, his eyes closing. "We're friends. That's enough."
"We both know that's not how you really feel."
"It's not."
"So tell her."
Coulson was quiet for a while, and Andrew thought that maybe he had finally passed out. Andrew stood, gathering his things quietly with a soft chuckle. He had nearly reached the door when Coulson's voice stopped him.
"I just got her back. I don't want to scare her off. I don't… I can't lose her again." He still looked very out of it, his position hadn't changed and his eyes were still closed, but his voice sounded stronger. "She means everything to me."
"...I know, Phil. I know. And don't worry, I won't tell Melinda about any of this."
"Thanks, Andrew."
"Hey, whatever helps keep this team together. Oh, and count on me coming back sometime so we can talk about the weight of the world being on your shoulders." He snorted. "That's not healthy."
"You sound like May." Coulson huffed, his eyes closed again as the alcohol finally took him over.
Andrew could only smile, albeit a bit sadly, before leaving the room.
---
Coulson woke up at his desk, his head pounding and his neck aching from how he'd slept in his chair. He sat up slowly, rubbing the back of his neck and groaning.
He was getting too old for this.
He looked down, confused when he saw a very familiar blanket draped over him.
"You really should stop sleeping in your chair."
He finally looked up, his heart thumping wildly in his chest when he saw her. May was sitting on the opposite edge of his desk, her back to him. Her hair was down as usual, the silky strands shifting and swaying as she glanced at him over her shoulder. She slid off of his desk, tablet in hand. He simply stared at her, the dull thumping in between his eyes making it hard to do more than just stare.
"Sorry." Why was he apologizing again?
May finally turned to face him, and he swallowed thickly at the slightest twitch of a smile he saw on her lips. How could she still be so breathtaking to him after all these years? He had seen her beaten, battered, bruised and bothered… but he still thought she was the single most beautiful woman in the world.
"Here."
She handed him a couple of pills and a glass of water, which he took all while keeping his eyes trained on her. She watched him silently, handing the tablet to him when he finished the water.
"Andrew left last night."
"Did you say goodbye?"
"I did."
He wisely chose not to pry. It wouldn't help either of them.
"Good."
"He said he talked to you."
"He did." Coulson swallowed, slowly standing to his feet, ignoring the dagger of pain that lanced through his head at the action. "It was good."
"He said so too."
There was a long, rather awkward pause where all they did was stare at each other. May broke the silence by clearing her throat, turning away from him to bring up some file on the big screen. Coulson knew she was talking, but couldn't focus on a word she said as he slowly rounded his desk. He did notice that her voice got softer the closer he got to her, until she stopped speaking altogether due to the fact that his breath was ghosting across the back of her neck.
"I missed you."
She had to fight back a whimper at the sincerity in his voice. Why did he have to be so… honest with her? Why couldn't he just lie and pretend there wasn't any tension between them like she did?
"So you've said." She sounded strangely calm, while he felt like his heart was about to explode out of his chest and kill him right there. "Multiple times. Too many times."
She stiffened considerably when he wrapped one arm around her waist, the other toying with the strands of her hair that cascaded down her front. This was so much more than he had planned to do when he saw her again, but his talk with Andrew last night had cemented his feelings so infinitely that he couldn't fight it any longer. Even if she broke his jaw after this, he had to show her how he felt.
"Because I did, Melinda." His voice broke at the edge of her name. "I… I need to make sure you know that. I was lost without you."
She was leaning into him now, almost without realizing it.
"You're always lost." She tried to tease him, but the way he felt against her made it come out on a sigh. He felt so familiar and warm… she nearly burst into tears herself when she finally turned to face him, finding tears already streaming down his cheeks.
"Phil… don't-"
Whatever she had been about to say evaporated as he pulled her tightly against him, his arms around her and face buried in her neck in the most intimate embrace they had shared in a while. She melted into him all too quickly, her hands fisting the front of his shirt as she found herself whimpering against him. Everything about him, his voice, his smell, his eyes… she had missed it all terribly. She had missed him terribly.
Even after she had officially returned, there had been this chasm between them that she could only describe as Andrew. Not through any fault of his own, Andrew had become the reason she avoided Phil. She wasn't sure where she and Andrew stood anymore, not after they basically abandoned a future together. She was confused and conflicted and annoyed, and so she stayed away from Coulson so she wouldn't take it all out on him. He didn't deserve it.
There was a question hanging in the air between them, the only thing still managing to separate them emotionally even when their bodies were so close that not even air could pass through. It was a bitter question, one that he hated to ask because he was afraid of the answer.
She might say she still wanted a break from it all. From him. She might say she needed more time with Andrew. She might say she simply wanted to remain coworkers, teammates...nothing more. She might say she didn't want anything more from him besides that.
He held her closer as he tried to sort out how he might word his question, his bottom lip taking the brunt of his frustration as he chewed on it.
They could just stay like this if he just didn't speak. If he closed his eyes, calmed his mind, and focused on her steady breathing… he could forget about what might or might not happen. He could focus on the fact that she was here, in his arms, not out roaming the world with her ex-husband.
But that couldn't last forever and they knew it. Thankfully it was as if she could read his mind, saying exactly what was needed to calm his racing heart and quell his anxieties.
"I'm not leaving again anytime soon."
It was mumbled into his shirt, her warm breath soaking through and making his chest damp, but he didn't mind. He never minded anything that had to do with her. She could set fire to his suit jacket or break one of his windows and he would still love her.
"Good."
He loved her. He loved Melinda May. Phil Coulson loved Melinda May with all he had. All that he was and could ever hope to be would only manifest itself with her at his side. She was his hope in times of hopelessness, his light in perpetual darkness.
Did he have the guts to tell her all of this right now? No, of course not. She had just gotten back and they were going to need to take things very slow. But it was nice being able to admit it to himself, with the nudge he'd gotten from Andrew the night before.
And if Andrew had been right, he wouldn't need to tell her how he felt. She would see it, plain as day, if she hadn't already seen it by now.
Whenever they were both ready, they'd acknowledge whatever was going on between them. But until then, he was content to simply hug his best friend in his office while she clung to his dress shirt.