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betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom
but I think it's 'cause of me
betty, one time I was riding on my skateboard when I passed your house
it's like I couldn't breathe
The train ride back to Squahamish made Ellie significantly more anxious than leaving ever had. There was no promise of starting new and forgetting everything that stressed her out from back home.
This usually just meant anything to do with Aster.
Her perfect hair and how she tucked it behind her ear in one fell swoop, or her perfect mind and how it challenged hers with ease and excitement. Ellie missed her. That was easy to admit, but why she missed Aster so much was harder. It would’ve been so easy to just talk to her or take a bus to go see her. She managed to make it work with weekly skype calls with her dad and Paul as they were making whatever new concoction Paul had created for lunch. Ellie was just thinking about what she wanted to make for dinner. And it would’ve been so easy to involve Aster, and Paul was constantly asking Ellie about her.
But Ellie was scared and at the start of college, she received good morning and good night texts. Good luck texts for her lectures or recommendations for books, and it started to feel like a diary entry of Aster’s, and it reminded her awfully of the notebook she slipped into her suitcase. And when Ellie had finally managed to pluck up the courage to text back, it was two weeks until Winter break and Aster hadn’t messaged for a month. Ellie slumped her shoulders and slid down in her chair.
“Shit…” She had whispered to herself, picking at the skin of her thumb. She could hear Paul’s voice in her head, telling her it was never too late and that ‘true love would prevail’ but if this was true love why was it so hard for her. It wasn’t this hard at the start. It wasn’t hard in that summer before they left.
you heard the rumors from Inez
you can't believe a word she says
most times, but this time, it was true
the worst thing that i ever did
was what i did to you
It was hard when Ellie started thinking about it when she started thinking about how it would feel to hold Aster’s hand in her hometown, or how it would sound to hear her learning Mandarin with her dad, or how it would feel to taste her lips on hers again.
And maybe it was bittersweet. Maybe it was foolish of her to ever believe it could be anything more than a quick summer thing. Aster’s texts floated in her mind and she picked up her phone off the table in front of her. The jostling of the train helped swish her stomach more than it already was and she prayed that home was just around the corner.
But praying, even in a figment of the term, made her think of Aster and the church and what she’d heard in the confession booth.
Ellie regretted a lot in her life, but everything to do with Aster was a whole other story. It was hard to admit when she was wrong, she knew as much from her university lectures and the glares she’d get from the other nerds in her class if she posed a new argument. But Ellie knew how she’d dealt with her feelings was wrong.
And God, if she didn’t want Aster still.
but if i just showed up at your party
would you have me? would you want me?
would you tell me to go fuck myself
or lead me to the garden?
The train ground to a halt and she looked out the window to see Paul’s wide, smiley face staring at her. He was holding a stupid dorky sign that made Ellie’s eyes roll but secretly she was touched by the sentiment. ‘CHU!’ was scrawled out, a slightly messy but adorable idea that Paul would’ve spent way too long thinking about. And Ellie wasn’t going to let him think that she didn’t appreciate him.
“Hey, stranger!” Ellie called out as she placed her suitcase down on the floor as she stepped away from the train. She spotted her Dad to the side and she smiled at him, he was looking better, and she had seen all the good Paul had thrust back into his life. His English was better, his taste in films had grown (only slightly) broader and he even joined a walking group around the town.
Paul ran up to her, dropping the sign in the process and wrapped his arms around Ellie’s waist before lifting her into the air, spinning them. She initially tried to fight it, but Paul’s death grip around her middle was too much and she sunk into it eventually.
“I’ve missed you,” he said shyly as he placed her back down on the floor.
“Really? I couldn’t tell.”
Ellie smiled and Paul grinned toothily back at her before she crossed over to meet her Dad. She ruffled his hair before he picked up her bag and Paul animatedly described how he had to take “Mr Chu to the eye doctor! It was crazy! We were looking at all the glasses and I even picked out a few for him.”
Mr Chu shrugged and nodded, confirming this. He tapped the edge of the frame and signalled a thumbs-up to Paul.
“I chose them!”
Ellie occasionally heard Paul talking with Aster on the phone, whispering calming words over and over until he stilled and his faced would worry before smoothing out. In those moments Ellie would quickly search Aster up on Instagram and Facebook, nothing could go wrong with a quick internet stalk just to find out if your almost ex-girlfriend was okay or if she was dying…or dead.
Usually, she found nothing. Just selfies of her, pictures of her art or with her friends and it was nice. Nice to know she had friends. Nice to know that she had managed to create a life away from the burden that they felt Squahamish brought. She’d moved away from the controlling life her father inflicted on her. And Ellie was happy. She really was.
So why wasn’t she? Why wasn’t she over Aster? She had done everything she could think. She took time, she spent physical and emotional time away from Aster. She flung herself into books and trying to join as many intellectually challenging clubs as she could muster. She tried to make friends, she failed and tried and succeeded.
Her roommate wasn’t too bad. Opinionated, a little bossy, stubborn and she reminded her of herself. Cara. She was beautiful and maybe that was why when she first came bulldozing into their dorm room announcing that she was bisexual and if Ellie was a hateful bigot, she would kick her ass, Ellie fell a little.
And maybe that’s why she stopped texting Aster. Probably. That’s what she told Cara. Their on-again-off-again, hurt her brain and was more taxing than the debate club she joined.
Some days Cara would come home crying about something that Ellie didn’t quite understand and fall into Ellie’s arms. Ellie would soothe her, a kiss on the forehead, a hug and whispered words into her ear about how it was all going to be okay. Cara would wipe her tears and agree, before surging forward and planting a salty teared kiss on Ellie’s lips.
Other days Ellie would come back from a hard day, thoughts of Cara holding her and kissing her knuckles would swirl about her head. And she’d open the door to see her in bed with some man or woman from their English and Ellie would slam the door. She would pace outside in the hall wondering where she had gone wrong. What she had done, what she had said, what she could’ve possibly thought to hurt Cara.
Perhaps it was naïve of Ellie to assume that this was healthy. But they didn’t stop. Ellie would come home every day to wonder if Cara was her girlfriend or not, she had pictures of them kissing on her side of the dorm and photos were up on Instagram. But the photos came down whenever Cara had a new fling and Ellie would watch as Cara would pick up the photos and pieces of her heart off the floor and put it back. Sticky tape and tears held them together.
Ellie knew she deserved better, but it helped keep her mind of Aster just long enough that she wouldn’t need to think about how she would never treat her like this. She wouldn’t have to come home every day wondering if she was going to cry or get laid.
in the garden, would you trust me
if i told you it was just a summer thing?
i'm only 17, i don't know anything
but i know i miss you
Ellie found herself walking more and more with her father and his club. The older women seemed to chat and gossip, but her dad seemed to keep out of it, only interjecting if spoken to directly. The women seemed to love him; Ellie had noted.
They passed Aster’s house and she couldn’t help but look in the windows, hoping that maybe the absence of the yellow beetle outside the front meant she’d left her car in Illinois and her parents picked her up. She glanced in with hopes to see Aster running around with her sister as Ellie had once seen in person, or she would see her helping her Mom take her famous enchiladas out of the oven. Her graceful steps as she moved around her Mom was hypnotic and it was truly a treat that Ellie even got to experience that just once.
And maybe it was horrible that whenever she saw the colour yellow her heart skipped a beat, or whenever she walked past the church, she wished to hear Aster sing one last song. She almost considered stepping inside one time but feared the Deacon would smite her after her last performance there.
And so, she stopped.
She stopped going the shorter routes around Squahamish telling her father that she wanted to ‘push herself’ and that this was ‘the most amount of exercise she would be doing for the entire year’ and a worried smile would paint his face. He would nod and agree politely. Happy just to see Ellie in person once more.
betty, i know where it all went wrong
your favourite song was playing
from the far side of the gym
Paul bumped into Ellie staring from the corner of the street at the yellow beetle parked messily outside the Flores’ house. He almost did a double-take, he strode towards Ellie and pulled her in tight. He didn’t say anything, and maybe that’s why Ellie appreciated him as much as she did. He knew when to ramble, he knew the exact thing to make Ellie laugh and smile and he knew exactly what to say when she was sad.
They stayed like that for a few moments that felt like years to Ellie as she screwed up her face tightly and burrowed it against his shoulder. He rubbed her back lightly and waited until she pulled away. His touch was feather-light but solid and real. And Ellie had never loved anyone more until that moment.
When they parted, he nodded over to his truck and they clambered in, he turned the radio on to a bare whisper but the song playing was undeniably theirs. If you leave me now, Chicago. It was like it was taunting her, that ‘sign’ that Aster had wanted from God was teasing her. Calling her out, forcing her to focus on what she wanted and what she thought she did.
She thought she wanted ease, capability, safety. And she had that, she had that in knowing that her Dad will love her no matter what, that Paul will always be there for her through thick and thin. But perhaps she didn’t want that.
Maybe she liked the idea of it. Everything planned for her, easy to get, easy to grow, easy to live. And Aster had maybe changed her mind. Perhaps ease wasn’t all that she had hoped it would be.
It was easy to slip into a relationship with Cara, easy to fall for her. Those weeks where she would be loved and paraded round to her friends like a prize was easy. She was capable of loving Cara; she had an irresistible nature about her. A charm that was hard to ignore.
But Aster. Aster was difficult. Aster involved high school and facing her pent-up emotions. Facing those months spent well and truly pining for the most secure girl in their small town. It required her to face the Deacon, the backlash of a Deacon’s daughter and the only Asian getting together.
Yet, it was exciting. The thrill of sneaking around, the tingling of when their hands brushed underneath tables or stolen kisses in bedrooms. The sweet ‘I love yous’ and secret places found and marked with a painting, songs and movies and books compiled in one huge ranking.
And Ellie still believes it’s bittersweet.
“Trig’s throwing a party tonight.”
Paul’s voice whistled past and Ellie snapped back to reality.
“Okay,” Paul looked at her pointedly, “I’m not going.”
His bottom lip shot out and a few whimpered pleases almost broke her.
“Please.”
“No.”
“Please.”
“No.”
“Aster will be there.”
A moment passes. Ellie thinks and a slow, drawn-out fine manages to escape her lips.
i was nowhere to be found
i hate the crowds, you know that
plus, i saw you dance with him
Ellie had been to a few parties, ones that Cara had insisted they went together to. They were okay, she mainly stayed by her side until she saw someone she’d vaguely remember from one of her classes and make awkward small talk with. There was that one back in high school. But then that made her think of that day after with Aster.
And if she was being honest, she hadn’t thought about that day in a while.
So, when Paul pulled up outside her house wearing the same old jacket, he wore all the time in high school, the memories came flooding right back to her. It was fine, or it was going to be. It was silent as they drove over to Trig’s house mansion, the only sound being the quiet radio that Paul was bobbing his head along to.
The gravel crackled underneath the tires and Ellie was all of a sudden aware of everything, how she was going to see some people she never wanted to again or how she was going to see Aster.
“We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Paul offered, and that’s what he did. He was kind and generous and cared about her. And Ellie truly didn’t appreciate him enough. She took a moment before she shrugged.
“It’s okay, let’s do this.”
Paul nodded slowly and watched as she jumped out of the truck.
The party was surprisingly densely populated considering the sheer size of the house and Ellie snagged herself a drink, not too bothered if it had alcohol in it or not. She was, at this point, just hoping for a second alone. Sipping slowly, she winced as she realised it was pure tequila and trudged through the house and into the backyard. The last time she had been here was in the front yard, waiting for Aster in the yellow beetle as she picked up something she had left there. She watched as she warmly hugged Trig and she could remember how her heart stung a little.
Ellie took another sip of her drink and sat down on a swing facing the chaos of the party. Lights were flashing and swinging, and the music was booming out, definitely way too loud for night-time.
Her mind was a little fuzzy now as she drank another mouthful, less wincing and more thinking of where she went wrong to get her to this point. If she had just been braver, she would be at home, snuggled up underneath a blanket with Aster curled into her side as they watched whatever foreign film her father had on repeat now. They’d laugh and hold hands or their fingers would graze each other as they both reached into the bowl of popcorn and they’d giggle and Ellie would be able to watch as Aster’s face turned an adorable shade of pink. Aster would poke her side and whisper in her ear causing the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up. And she would be funny and take her to more secret places.
Mostly, she wouldn’t be alone.
Ellie jumped as she heard the metal swing beside her clatter together and saw Aster staring at her, wide-eyed.
“Hey.”
Ellie coughed, the burning in her throat from nerves and not the tequila she had just swallowed.
“Hi.”
Aster nodded towards the other swing and Ellie nodded, her eyes not moving from Aster’s face.
“You’ve been out here a while, Paul told me he was worried.”
“Oh.”
A silence fell between them that felt foreign. Ellie sipped a little bit more of her drink and turned back to see Aster staring at her, her eyebrows cocked a little. She shrugged to herself before staring back out to watch the party.
“I’m sorry- “They spoke at the same time and Aster giggled awkwardly.
“You go,” Aster offered and swung her legs a bit out in front of her, so she was swinging.
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts. Or anything really. It was unfair and horrible.”
Aster nodded slowly, seeming to accept it. “Okay.”
“But it’s not okay,” Ellie was facing Aster now, the chains above her crossed and clinking, “it’s not okay because I gave you a promise and I broke it. I was supposed to be there for you, and I wasn’t. And I’m sorry. I understand that doesn’t make up for anything that I had done to you, and that I have no excuse. Not that I’m looking for an excuse! I just- I don’t know. I’m just really sorry.”
“Okay.”
No one spoke for the next minute or so, and Ellie spun back, her legs outstretched.
Aster suddenly stood, a hand outstretched to Ellie. She took it hesitantly and stood shakily.
“Let’s get you home.”
you heard the rumors from Inez
you can't believe a word she says
most times, but this time, it was true
the worst thing that i ever did
was what i did to you