Work Text:
“I don’t get it, Asahi.”
They’re seated opposite each other at the kitchen table, the vase of daisies pushed to one side so they can see each other’s faces. It’s like a date, only not. Asahi’s said to Yuu that he has something to ask of him, and it’s taken the better part of a bottle of sake to get him to blurt it out. But now he’s said it, Yuu doesn’t understand. “You… want me to order you around all the time? To be the boss of you?”
Asahi blushes cutely and smiles, soft and sweet and beloved and out of his beautiful little stupid mind. “Yes, more or less. That’s what lifestyle BDSM means. You’re in charge, not just in the bedroom, all the time. So if you tell me to do something, I have no choice but to do it.” He smiles again.
Yuu can’t see what the fuck there is to smile about. “So like… like it used to be in olden times, when the man of the house gives the orders and the woman has to do whatever the fuck he wants?”
Asahi’s gorgeous stupid grin grows bigger, his pretty teeth showing, his cheeks dimpling adorably, not seeming to care that what he’s saying has got Yuu’s mind fucking boggling. “Yeah. Kinda like that.”
“Look.” Yuu runs both hands over his face, wishing Ryuu were here so he could help him wrap his mind around this. “Uhh… It’s not like I haven’t read stuff about this on kink sites and whatever? Like, uh, the woman waiting naked and blindfolded at the door when her man comes home?” He remembers a corner of his mind hinting that this was something that would really turn his Asahi on, and the rest of him just wanting to fucking hurl.
That draws a giggle from Asahi. “That’s the sex part of it,” he says. “But no, that’s mostly a fantasy. It’s more like what you said, a traditional household where one person gives the orders and the other person has to obey.”
Yuu’s stomach lurches at ‘obey’. “I… I don’t…”
And Asahi’s smile drops, the light in his face going out. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. It’s just a thought.”
Damn, damn, damn! Yuu shouldn’t be so fucking weak whenever Asahi looks disappointed! “I’m not saying no,” he rushes out, “well, kinda, I mean I’m not rejecting it out of hand, it’s only that I don’t understand… how would we be equal? How would it be… how could we be – be you and me?”
“Like in the bedroom,” Asahi says, like that makes anything clearer, “but all the time.”
“So like me calling you and asking you to make dinner—”
“Telling me. Not asking me.” Asahi’s eyes are completely hidden by his lashes, looking down at the tabletop, a smile playing around his cheeks.
Shit. Damn. “Ordering you, you mean.”
“Yeah. Ordering me.”
Asahi’s eyes flicker shyly up to meet Yuu’s, just for an instant, then down, but damn, the delight in his eyes… Against his better judgment, Yuu swallows the uneasy roiling in his chest. “So yeah. Even if you didn’t want to make dinner, and I asked – ordered – whatthefuckever—you’d have to do it?”
“Yes,” smiles Asahi.
Yuu scrubs at his face again. “Okay. Okay. I’m trying to understand here. So you want me to just… dictate your every move?”
“Not my every move,” Asahi explains. “But if you say to do something, I have to do it.”
“Or what?”
“Or you punish me.”
Yuu is okay with this in the bedroom, he really is, he loves what it does to Asahi, and he’s grown to love it himself, but this… It makes him sick to his stomach. “I could never hurt you.”
“You never would,” Asahi smiles. “I’d have brought it on myself for disobeying you.”
Yuu shoves his chair back and bolts upright, pacing away from the table. But he glances back; and the sorrowful, bereft look in Asahi’s eyes, like he’s just trusted Yuu with his deepest secret and Yuu’s thrown it back in his face – like Yuu’s read his innermost thoughts and laughed at them – draws him back to his seat like a magnet, reaching out for Asahi’s hands. “Sorry,” he tries for his devil-may-care grin, unsure if it looks like a grimace. “It’s just a lot to take in. I’m not sure I can do any of that.”
“Only as much as you feel comfortable with,” says Asahi, sounding crushed. “Only what you feel you can do.”
Yuu drags in a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. So… what if I ask you to make dinner, and you really don’t want to make dinner? Do you still have to do it?”
“Yes, I have to do it.”
“And then I—I punish you? If you don’t?”
“No, you don’t, because I’ll do it.”
“Even if you don’t want to?”
“Yes.”
Yuu’s stomach twists again. “I don’t like that.” He rubs a hand over his head. “Making you do something you don’t want to… I don’t feel comfortable with it.”
“No, but you need to understand,” Asahi says, a light in his eyes, “the only reason I’d be letting you give the orders is I’d be trusting you to know when I’m – if I really want to or not. For example, if I tell you I don’t want to get up in the morning, but I’ve got a meeting, then you’d have to order me to get up. So I wouldn’t be late for work. Sometimes what I want is different from what I need.”
Yuu tilts his head to the side, breathing slowly. “And… this thing is… you trust me to know the difference? Better than you do?”
“Yes,” Asahi nods, beaming.
Yuu can’t share his delight. “I can’t read minds, Asahi.”
“No. But I trust you to know what I need.”
Yuu gives his head a quick, desperate shake. “But what if I get it wrong?”
“You can still ask me,” Asahi squeezes Yuu’s hand. “You wouldn’t be alone in this. I know it’s a lot of responsibility.” His eyes, when they meet Yuu’s, are big and soft and strong. “I wouldn’t hang you out to dry like that.”
Yuu inhales. “Ask you?”
“Yeah. You can ask me what I want to do, anytime. All the time, even. I just like having the security of knowing you’ll take control when you need to.”
Yuu shakes his head. “You trusting me to know what’s best for you… letting me take control, give the orders all the time…” He looks down at their joined hands on the table and swallows. “It makes me think of, like.” His hand tightens on Asahi’s. “Abusive relationships.”
“No!” Asahi brings his other hand up to sweep Yuu’s hand into both of his. “No, it’s not! I know it could look like it. From outside. But I’m giving it to you. You’re not taking it. It’s…” Yuu opens his mouth to say it’s a gift he doesn’t want. “Yuu.” Asahi’s voice is a thread. “I… I can’t turn off my head.”
What? “You’re brilliant,” Yuu blurts. “Why would you want to?”
Asahi smiles softly, but it fades. “Thanks, but… not like that. Not for work, or… I mean my – the voice inside me? You know, the voice that tells you during a match,” his eyes flicker up to meet Yuu’s, warm and brown and liquid, then drop to the tabletop again, “‘Fight harder, you can do it’?”
Yuu knows that voice. He’s relied on it, lots of times. “Yeah,” he says. Then he remembers things Asahi’s confided in him, long ago. Other times. “Yours… doesn’t, does it,” he says softly, realizing. “The voice in your head says…” He meets Asahi’s eyes. “Stuff like it’s your fault. Or you’re not good enough. Or you let the team down.”
Asahi’s shoulders slump, his arms going limp and his head drooping. But his gaze stays locked on Yuu’s. “Yeah,” he breathes. “If it’s my head giving the orders, sometimes I get stuck in it. In a loop. Can’t get out. But if it was you, you know – giving the orders – I could make my head shut up. Because I trust you.” Yuu opens his mouth to speak, but Asahi’s going on. “If you said I didn’t need to be punished, then I could stop feeling guilty. Because I gave that power up to you. So the voice couldn’t control me anymore.”
“So—like I’d… be making your bad voice shut up?”
“Yes.”
Well, how the fuck is Yuu supposed to say no to that? “I, uh…” But then something strikes him. “What if I said I wanted sex,” he can’t keep his voice from trembling, “and you… You say it would be up to me, to make the decision, to – to guess whether you wanted it or not, to read your mind, and… How would I know? How would I know that I wasn’t—wasn’t forcing you?”
“You wouldn’t force me.”
“How do you know?! How would I know? You said, you just said it! That it was part of the agreement! That you’d have to listen to me!” Yuu squeezes his eyes shut against the thought of forcing himself onto Asahi, sweet, gentle, loving Asahi, Asahi who would just let Yuu do it, because he thought it was his right or something?! He feels his breathing growing shallow and irregular. “How would I know?”
“Shh. Hey.” Asahi’s big, warm hands are around both of his again, and he’s looking at Yuu, brown eyes full of warmth and concern. “It doesn’t work like that. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
Yuu snorts bitterly. “It’s more about what I’d do to you.”
“No.” Asahi’s tone is gentle, urgent. “No, Yuu, no. Being a dom – or a top, or whatever you want to call it – it doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings. I’d be right there with you. We’d be in it together. I wouldn’t leave you out there alone. I wouldn’t let you fall.”
“Uh—” Yuu’s eyes burn and he looks down. His vision blurs, then clears as tears drip onto the tabletop. “I—I…” he chokes.
He feels one of Asahi’s hands cup his cheek, thumbing at his tears. “I don’t want to hurt you,” Asahi continues. “We can pretend we never had this talk.”
“No!” Yuu feels something flare up inside him as he looks up at Asahi. “I want to give you what you need. I want to.” He clutches at the hand cupping his face, then turns his head sideways savagely to kiss it, hard. “I would never forgive myself if I hurt you. And I hate traditional Japanese households.” Closing his eyes, he nuzzles at Asahi’s hand. “Dammit, okay, okay, let me think. How do we work this without—without…” He shudders and presses his cheek harder into Asahi’s hand like a lifeline. “How could we work it, how could we do this?”
Asahi’s tone brightens. “I might have an idea.”
They settle down for lattes at a friendly little café in the Sendai mall. Asahi lays his arm on the table, and both of them admire the bracelet they’ve just bought. It’s an unassuming watchband-style masculine thing in stainless steel, smooth and heavy and so attractive it makes Yuu want to grab onto Asahi’s arm and gobble it the fuck up. It’s also really easy to take off with his other hand – that was Yuu’s main criterion when buying it. “This was a great idea of yours,” Yuu grins, feeling his face brighten with the relief of a load off his mind.
“Thank you.” Asahi looks down and blushes. Why the fuck is he so damn adorable? And so polite all the time!
“So now…” Yuu hesitates. “Now you’re wearing it, if I asked you to go get us some sugar, you’d have to say yes?”
Asahi flushes deeper and grins. “Yeah, I’d have to do it.”
“But if—” Yuu deftly works the clasp, making the bracelet clatter to the table. “Like this, you—what?”
Asahi looks heartbroken. “Don’t do that,” he whines, struggling to put it back on one-handed. Yuu reaches out and helps him. Asahi visibly relaxes when he’s wearing it again. “Don’t take it off like that,” he repeats. “It feels like…” He looks away and trails off.
“It feels like what?” Yuu demands.
“Nothing,” says Asahi, still looking away.
It occurs to Yuu that he could just command Asahi to spill it, and being as he has the bracelet on, he has to obey. But the thought of it makes Yuu feel sick. He’ll need time to get used to this. “Please tell me, Asahi,” he says instead.
Asahi shrugs, his head ducking down between his shoulders. “It kinda feels like… well, like you’re letting me go. Like you don’t want me anymore.”
Yuu stares. “Because of a stupid bracelet?”
Asahi flushes. “I know it’s dumb…”
“Nothing you feel is dumb, but… Asahi.” It’s Yuu’s turn to be heartbroken. “Do you think so little of us, that some piece of jewelry, a bracelet or a ring or whatever, could change how I feel about you?”
“No, I, it’s, uh…”
“Would a ring or a bracelet or even a tattoo change how you feel about me?”
Asahi’s eyes sharpen. “Of course not.”
“Okay. Then…” Something occurs to Yuu. “Here’s my first order to you, since you wanted me to give you orders. I’m gonna order you to trust what’s between us, okay? No silly bracelet is gonna change that. And since you’re wearing that silly bracelet, you have to do what I say. You said so, right?”
The relief that floods over Asahi’s face maybe – maybe – makes Yuu see what he means by this whole ‘lifestyle’ thing. Maybe. “Yes…” A flicker of mischief sparks in the big brown eyes. “Can I call you ‘sir’?”
Yuu winces, but manages to hide it from Asahi. “Not—Not when it’s just—I mean,” he says, trying to make sense of his own thoughts. Then he breaks into a smile, catching Asahi’s eyes hesitantly. “Maybe when I’m more used to it, okay? But like – can we keep it for the bedroom, for now?”
Asahi’s nod is understanding. Caring. “Sure.” He brings Yuu’s hand up to his lips. “What you’re comfortable with is what I want.”
“I’m sorry I can’t move faster,” says Yuu, tightening his hand around Asahi’s.
“Your pace is perfect,” says Asahi softly. “You’re perfect.”
And well, if that’s not enough to make a man preen, Yuu doesn’t know what is.
Today’s the day, Asahi thinks.
Today’s the day Yuu is going to have to be No More Mr. Nice Guy.
He’s been unfailingly kind and supportive ever since Asahi broached the subject with him and they agreed on the bracelet. He’s mostly commanded Asahi to do little things he’d have done anyway, like brush his teeth or drink more water. But today is the big thing.
Asahi has a work project he needs to finish. Yuu thinks he’s giving himself too much responsibility, but that’s just Yuu being too nice as usual. So Asahi cornered Yuu this morning. “If I’m not done this project by six o’clock,” he said to Yuu, “you have to punish me.”
“What?” Yuu’s eyes raked over Asahi’s desk, piled high with papers. “How?”
“I don’t know how. However you see fit.”
“I wasn’t asking how to p—I—I was asking how you think you’re gonna get all that done in a few hours?”
“I don’t care.” Asahi said, running a hand over his hair. “It has to get done.”
“When do you have to hand this beast in?” Yuu asked him.
“It doesn’t matter.” Technically, he still has a week, but he said he’d finish it today, so that’s when he’s doing it. “I gave myself a deadline to finish it by six.” He swallowed. “I missed a deadline last week. I’m letting everybody down. I need to be better.”
“Asahi,” Yuu said, looking over the back of his desk chair at the papers, “it isn’t realistic for you to push yourself to finish this by—”
Asahi remembers how relief flooded through him at Yuu’s words, and remembers how, just as quickly, he pushed it away. The missed deadline was his fault. Now, people are counting on him. “I’m asking you,” he insisted, “to help me keep my deadline. To help me – I – I’m not doing my duty! There have to be consequences.”
“Asahi, you’ve been working from morning till night every day this week…”
“Yeah, like I should! This is like ditching the team all over again!” He turned to Yuu. “You promised me you’d—I… I need this. I need to know that my actions have consequences. If I don’t do my duty, I need to suffer the consequences.”
Yuu opened his mouth. If he’d refused, Asahi doesn’t know what he’d have done. He has the option to take off the bracelet, any moment, no questions asked, but Asahi doesn’t want to, but he’s lazy and slow and he’s letting everybody down, and it’s not fair to let Yuu insulate him from the consequences of his own dereliction of duty—
“…however I want?”
Asahi can still feel the shudder that went through him when he realized that Yuu was asking if he could punish Asahi however he wanted. “Yeah,” he said, proud that he could keep his voice steady.
He knows now that until that moment, he’d never realized what it might be like to be punished by Yuu. Asahi’s only been on the receiving end of Nishinoya Yuu’s righteous wrath once before, and admittedly they were still kids but he seemed quite ready to get violent then. But the reality of it didn’t set in until this morning, when Yuu stood there coolly and asked him if he could punish him however he wanted.
“And you won’t say no?” Yuu pressed. “Whatever I choose to do?”
Fear spilled down Asahi’s chest and chilled his heart. “I won’t say no,” he promised.
And he hasn’t been able to get it out of his mind. He doesn’t know what Yuu will do to him, or what he’ll make him do – pushups? Make him run around the building? It’s cold outside, will he forbid him from wearing a jacket? That should be okay, he’ll warm up after a few laps. Maybe force him to kneel on pens or pencils? His heart clenches. He read about some extreme correctional juvenile centers where they make you do that, and his horror at the agony of it has haunted him ever since. Of course, he can take off the bracelet and get out of it, but he won’t. He’ll endure whatever Yuu puts him through. It’s just the thought of – well – Yuu’s so perfect, and the thought of Yuu not respecting him anymore… having those warm hazel eyes look at him with cold contempt, with disappointment… Asahi blinks his suddenly burning eyes.
He tries to focus on his work, but the words and images swim before him. He’s seen Yuu mad, sure, lots of times. But Yuu’s never judged him and found him wanting before, and Asahi’s suddenly desperate not to see contempt on the face of the person he respects the most in the whole world. I’m disappointed in you, he imagines Yuu saying. You deserve this, he’ll tell Asahi while he’s punishing him. Maybe he’ll just beat him. Asahi will be strong; he won’t cry out, he won’t be any more of a disappointment than he’s already been. He chills again at the thought of being forced to kneel on something sharp for a prolonged period of time. Or maybe just hold a plank until it becomes agonizing and he can’t bear the pain. Please, no. Even worse than the thought of that is the thought of Yuu standing there, watching him in pain, eyes cold, unsympathetic, uncaring, because Asahi has earned it, has deserved to suffer.
He realizes he’s started to cry. His hand as he holds the pencil isn’t as steady as he’d like. A tear falls on the page and he blots it away hurriedly with his sleeve. That’s right, let your dumb emotions ruin your work. And he is dumb, because he hasn’t thought this through. He’s thought plenty about Yuu taking the responsibility for making Asahi do stuff, like the lazy person he is, but he realizes now that he hadn’t ever thought about being on Yuu’s bad side. Losing his affection. Earning his disapproval.
Asahi’s limbs are suddenly chilled, and he clenches his fists to his chest, trying to warm up. He’s never felt so alone. Sure, he’s been alone when Yuu wasn’t his, but then there was always the possibility, however remote, of earning his approval, his love. Letting him down, even over kid stuff, was the worst experience of Asahi’s life. And now… He tries to focus on what he’s doing, tries to make sense of the words and graphics before him, but everything is cold. All he can think of is looking into Yuu’s eyes and finding confirmation of what he already knows: that he’s a disappointment. That he’s not good enough, that he never tries hard enough, that he’s lazy, that he lets everyone down. It shouldn’t hurt so much – he knows it already, inside his head – but he knows that having Yuu believe it, know it for sure, will be what finally breaks him. He doesn’t think any punishment could be worse than that.
He wraps his arms around himself, clenching his pencil in his fingers. Will Yuu tell him he’s forgiven? Tell him he loves him still? He can take whatever punishment he’s earned, as long as he knows he hasn’t forever fallen in Nishinoya Yuu’s estimation. He wonders how pathetic he’d seem if he begged Yuu, ‘Do whatever you want, just love me a little afterward.’
When his alarm buzzes for six o’clock, Asahi jumps. He’s almost done, but ‘almost’ doesn’t count. He’d need another three or four hours still to get everything wrapped up.
He lays down his pencil and clenches his fists on the desk. Now. Now Yuu’s going to find out what a lazy idler he is. Yuu’s always so nice to him, so gentle and forgiving, but he promised, he promised to provide consequences for when Asahi failed…
“You done yet?”
“N-no.” Asahi’s surprised at the way his voice cracks in the middle. “No,” he tries again. Damn, this time it’s a high-pitched squeak.
“You didn’t finish, huh.” Yuu’s voice is calm, flat. Asahi fancies he can hear the disappointment in it already. Cold. He’s so cold.
“No,” Asahi says miserably. He’s still sitting in his chair, hands on the desk. He should have thought this out better. How does Yuu want him? Should he have been kneeling on the floor as a sign of penitence that he didn’t finish? Should he have stood up behind his chair? Should they have agreed on a position beforehand? Now he’s still sitting at his desk like he deserves to sit here, and he doesn’t dare ask Yuu what he should do. Yuu isn’t his boyfriend anymore, not in this moment, he’s his taskmaster, and he’s failed, and—
“Hey, shh.” Yuu’s hands are on Asahi’s shoulders, rubbing. Comforting. Asahi jumps, then shudders. The warm hands on his shoulders are incongruous with the twisting, freezing sensation in his chest. “Asahi. Asahi.”
“Y—I—sorry.” His name is so sweet in Yuu’s voice, and Yuu’s hands are cutting through the cold in his chest of having been a disappointment, and Asahi dares to hope that he’ll still be worthy of some of this comforting after he’s been punished. To hope that maybe after he’s paid for what he’s done, he’ll be forgiven. His stomach clenches, bitter and cold, and he leans forward, one hand curling into a fist, resisting the urge to clutch at his middle.
“Hey. Hey.” Yuu’s hands tighten on his shoulders. “You’re wound so tight you’re shaking. Asahi. Asahi-chan. Hey. Come back to me, huh? Breathe? Take a breath?”
Asahi forces himself to lean back into the chair, taking a shuddering breath, letting his arms go limp at his sides. Some tough guy he’s being. Yeah, Asahi, you really showed him that you’re strong enough to take this. “I’m – sorry,” he manages to squeeze out past his tight throat.
“Shh. Shhh. Breathe.” Yuu’s hands are unexpectedly strong, rubbing at his shoulders, thumbs massaging his back. “Breathe, huh? You’re a bundle of nerves.”
Asahi obediently breathes, in and out, feeling the air swirl around the knot in his stomach, the sick dread there. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I’ll—do better, I’m sorry…”
“Shh.” Yuu’s arm slides around Asahi’s shoulder to fold around the front of his chest, high up over his collarbones. “If I tell you to stop apologizing, you have to listen to me, don’t you?” His face is very close to Asahi’s ear, so close his breath is ghosting over his cheek.
“Yeah. O-okay…” Asahi almost says ‘sorry’ again, but bites it off. “Okay,” he says instead to fill the silence surrounding his thundering heart. “Okay.”
“Shit,” Yuu mutters. It doesn’t seem like he’s speaking to Asahi. “Dammit.” Both his arms fold around the back of the seat now, splaying across Asahi’s chest, pressing and rubbing gently. “Keep breathing, okay? In and out. Easy.”
Asahi can’t help it – he brings his hands up to hang onto Yuu’s arms wrapped around him. He clings on and Yuu makes soft sounds and rocks him back and forth. Asahi leans into it. He should have known that Yuu would be kind enough to give him some encouragement before he punished him. Maybe he’ll even – not be cold to him. Maybe he won’t hate him too much. “What d-do I have to do?” he asks, feeling weak for asking. Yuu’s arms are still warm around him, his cheek pressed against Asahi’s temple. “How do- uh, how do you w-want me?”
“What?”
“How do you—what should I…” What are you planning to do to me, Asahi wants to ask, but it’s not his place. Everything he’s ever read has the submissive waiting for orders, not presuming to speak to their dominant, and that fills his stomach with cold dread again, not being able to speak to Yuu for real, being on the receiving end of his wrath for real, being the recipient of his cold anger for real—
“Asahi…”
“No,” he blurts quickly. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry but I can’t stand the waiting, I’m sorry.” Yuu will forgive him for speaking out of turn, Asahi trusts him, he won’t be so cruel as to keep him waiting in apprehension like this. “What—what are you going to uh. T—to do to me? How do you want me where do you want me?” His words are coming faster and faster until they’re tumbling out of his mouth beyond his control. “Are you gonna – I’m sorry I know I shouldn’t ask but I – if you tell me what you plan to do to me I can prepare, I can get ready and I—”
“Damn. Shh. Asahi. Asahi.” Yuu takes a breath, squeezing Asahi tight, and Asahi can feel his headshake. He huffs out a, “Gods.”
Asahi chills. He’s made Yuu frustrated already. He clutches onto Yuu’s hands. “Please tell me,” he says, and he can’t help how small and stupidly helpless his voice sounds.
Yuu heaves a deep breath. “Corner time,” he says, and it sounds like he wants to say something more, but that’s all he says.
Asahi lets his chin drop onto Yuu’s arms. Okay. Okay. He breathes, quick and sharp. Corner time. He can do that. Even if he has to be naked in the cold or something, as long as the position isn’t too uncomfortable, he can do it. Unless Yuu wants him to kneel on something sharp. Gods, please, not that. Or – or hold a stress position or… He chills. He’s scared. He hasn’t admitted it before, but he’s scared. He’s always relied on Yuu to be his anchor and now that he’s given that up of his own accord, Yuu is going to cut him off from his wonderful kind heart and be stern and cold to him and—
“…in the corner for half an hour.”
Damn, he has to stop fading in and out like that! “Sorry? Yes,” he says, biting off the ‘sir’ because Yuu doesn’t like it. “W-which corner? Where? How?”
Yuu turns the chair with Asahi still in it – should he have gotten up? Is that something he did wrong? – and points to the far corner of the living room. “Over there.” He slides his arms away from Asahi’s shoulders. It’s cold and lonely all of a sudden, and Asahi has to stop being so fucking weak. He asked for this. He stands, surprised to find his legs unsteady. How long has he been sitting down? He can’t remember.
Pull yourself together! Don’t be so damned weak! You can do this! He forces himself to stand straight as he walks to the corner, not to shuffle. Once in the corner, he stands awkwardly, facing the wall. He’s read about proper submissive behavior, but it all feels unreal to him now. Should he ask whether he should stand or kneel? Is Yuu going to strike him from behind? Or give him instructions on what to do next? Facing the wall, his back exposed, he feels very vulnerable. It’s stupid – nothing is happening to him. It’s just standing like this that makes him feel vulnerable. Maybe that’s why corner time is a punishment? Feeling unprotected? But that’s just dumb, he’s earned much worse than half an hour standing in the corner. How will he tell when the half-hour is up? Will Yuu tell him? There must be something else, though, just standing here for half an hour isn’t a punishment. He shivers and wraps his arms around himself. The silence in the room is odd, ringing in his ears. His mind flits to the plate of onigiri Yuu put on his desk a few hours ago. Did he ever eat any? He’s not sure…
“Sit down.”
Asahi jumps at the sound of Yuu’s voice. Should he turn? Sit down where? Deciding not to risk overstepping his bounds, he sinks to the floor cross-legged where he stands.
There’s a sigh from behind him. “Nope. On this.”
There’s a soft sound behind Asahi and he dares to look. Yuu has dragged the big pouf they sometimes use as a coffee table up to Asahi, so it’s right behind where his knees would have been if he was still standing. “On—this?” Asahi clarifies. He’s not sure why his voice isn’t working too well.
“Yes,” Yuu confirms. He sounds kind of tired. Has Asahi frustrated him? Has he done the wrong thing already? Asahi hastily gets off his knees and sits on the pouf as he’s instructed, knees together and facing the wall.
Yuu sits in his lap.
Asahi freezes. “What are you doing?!”
Yuu shifts until he’s pressed close to Asahi’s body, chest-to-chest, legs wrapped around Asahi’s waist and crossed behind his back Kama Sutra style. Then he puts his arms around Asahi. “Being with you.”
“But…” Asahi’s brain seems to have stuttered to a halt. It’s not so cold anymore with Yuu holding onto him like he’s a panda and Asahi’s a tree. “Uh…”
“Yeah?”
“A—this isn’t—corner time’s supposed to be…” He can’t get the words out.
Yuu’s hand slides up to cup the back of Asahi’s neck, stroking his hair. “Supposed to be what?”
“A—alone,” Asahi manages. “I’m supposed to be alone. Not—not sitting like this. I’m not supposed to have you with me.”
Yuu lays his cheek on Asahi’s chest. “You gonna argue with the bracelet?” His arms tighten around Asahi. “You can take it off. But I hope you won’t.”
“No, I… uh…”
“You said I could do whatever I want, right? What I want is to be here,” he strokes Asahi’s back and his fingers grip the back of Asahi’s neck warmly, “with you.”
Asahi can feel his own heart pounding against Yuu’s chest. He can see his rapid breath ruffling Yuu’s hair. His arms are still straight at his sides, disciplined. Submissive. He needs to be submissive, doesn’t he? At least, he thinks so. He’s not so sure about anything anymore.
Yuu’s hand slides through Asahi’s hair in a gentle finger-comb. “You have the biggest heart I’ve ever known,” he says softly, voice muffled by Asahi’s sweater, hand steadily carding through Asahi’s hair. “The most gentle soul, Azumane Asahi, the kindest personality, I…” Yuu seems momentarily at a loss for words. “I don’t know how to make you see you the way I see you. You’re—the brightest thing in the world. In—uh, in my life, you’re the dawn. It’s like your name. ‘Morning sun.’ Your parents must have known when they named you that. That that’s what you are.”
Asahi feels – not bad, but lost, freefalling. Nothing is making sense. A lump forms in his throat. He can’t think what to say, but that’s okay because his voice is stuck.
“Do— do you want to hold me?” Yuu’s voice is hesitant.
Asahi can’t speak. He nods.
“Then could you hold me, please? It’s not an order,” Yuu adds hurriedly. “Only if you want to.”
There’s nothing he wants more in the world; he just wasn’t sure if he was allowed. Asahi lets his arms come up to encircle Yuu’s waist. Then he pulls him in, hands splaying over his back, and starts to cry.
“Aw, Asahi. There ya go. Let it out,” Yuu says gently, fumbling in his pocket for a tissue and taking one arm off Asahi’s waist to press the tissue into his hand. “I got a bunch of these. Figured you’d need them. You looked really on the edge there.”
Asahi can’t help it: he sobs, burying his face into Yuu’s shoulder. Yuu hands him more tissues and holds him, rocking, as Asahi cries. Asahi scoots backward on the pouf to keep them stable and stop Yuu from accidentally falling to the floor, and clings to Yuu like he’s fucking drowning. He is, a bit. It’s so cold and Yuu is the only thing keeping him warm.
He blinks when Yuu fumbles to the side, unfolds an honest-to-gods blanket and pulls it round his shoulders, then wraps his arms around him again. “What… what’s that for?”
“You need it,” Yuu says simply. He reaches up, cups Asahi’s cheek, pulls him down for a quick brush of lips, and then resumes holding him and rocking him, rubbing at his back over the blanket. It’s warm. It helps. Asahi’s starting to feel the cushion under his butt, the warm weight of Yuu on his lap, the sensation of his arms around Yuu and Yuu’s arms around him. His breathing settles, evening out.
After a few minutes of this, Asahi says helplessly, “I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be—being punished. Getting what I deserve.”
“You are,” Yuu murmurs into his sweater.
“No, I’m not,” he says, quietly, because Yuu’s ear is close to his mouth, head tucked under Asahi’s chin. “Punishments are supposed to be bad.”
“You don’t deserve anything bad.”
“Yeah, I do!”
“No, you don’t. Besides, you think I’d ever let anything bad happen to you?” Yuu retorts. “Did someone knock you on the head when I wasn’t looking?”
“No!” Asahi bursts out, still controlling his volume. “A punishment is supposed to be… I’m… I didn’t finish my work! I should take the consequences!”
Yuu turns his head sideways on Asahi’s chest, the way he does when he’s listening to Asahi’s heartbeat. “You’re sitting in the corner, aren’t you?”
“But…” Asahi can’t find anything to say for a moment. “But you’re with me. You’re being kind to me. You’re not punishing me.”
“I’m giving you what you deserve.” Yuu squeezes him. “Like you asked me to.”
“But…”
“This is what you deserve,” Yuu pulls away just enough to look Asahi in the eyes, one hand still on the back of his neck.
“But I…”
“I know what the mean voice in your head says,” Yuu whispers, a sad smile on his face. Asahi has the sudden urge to kiss the sadness away. “It says you’re, I don’t know, letting everybody down, and you deserve for bad things to happen to you, and stuff like that. And it expects me to be the reason bad things happen to you. Well, I promised to impose some kinda punishment for not finishing that impossible task, just to shut your mean voice up, so here I am. Doing what I said I’d do.”
“This isn’t a punishment.”
“Why not?”
“It doesn’t hurt.”
Yuu’s hazel eyes are as big and sincere as Asahi’s ever seen them. “You never have and never will deserve to be hurt, Asahi-chan,” he says seriously. And damn, there are tears standing in his eyes as well. He blinks them away and breaks out the trademark Nishinoya grin. “Except the kind of hurt that gets you hot.”
Asahi shakes his head. The situation seems to be slipping away from him. “And—and you’re with me. You shouldn’t be with me! I should be alone!”
“Why?”
“So I can—so I can think of all the things I did wrong! So I can—”
Yuu puts a finger to his lips. “See, that’s exactly why I’m right here. I agreed to boss you around, but where does it say that I agreed to go along with the mean voice in your head?”
Asahi feels stupid, like there’s something just beyond the edge of his understanding. “What?”
“I mean,” Yuu says, smiling at him, “that you expected to sit here in the corner torturing yourself. Telling yourself all the mean things your voice tells you. About letting people down and, I don’t know, being a bad person or whatever. And those are lies. What kind of friend would I be if I let you sit there and beat yourself down with lies?”
“They’re not—”
“They. Are. Lies,” Yuu says firmly. He slips one hand behind his own back to touch Asahi’s bracelet. “This here says you gotta listen to me. Unless you want to take it off?”
“No,” Asahi says at once. “I don’t. I just don’t understand.”
“No, you don’t.” Yuu’s face is sad again, and when he speaks, his words come out slow and measured. “You don’t understand how anyone could look at you and see the beautiful, kind, hardworking person you are. You don’t understand how anyone could see the sweetness in you. You don’t understand how anyone could love you and your fragile glass heart, how gentle and soft and loving you are. You don’t understand how anyone could want to be with you always, because just being with you is like standing in the sun.” He shakes his head. “You don’t understand any of that. All you understand is the cruel things in your own head about letting other people down, when you’ve never let anyone down.”
“That’s not true. I…”
“Not for anything that matters,” Yuu interrupts fiercely. “Don’t talk to me about forgetting to get dinner or ditching volleyball when we were kids. I can always count on you to have my back. Everyone you know – all your friends – they know all they’ve got to do is ask and you’ll come running if they need your help. Go on, deny that, too.”
Asahi opens his mouth and closes it again. “Well, okay, if – if someone was in trouble, yeah…”
“You’d come running. That’s the kind of person you are.” Yuu takes a deep breath. “That’s why I love you. That’s why I respect you.” He swallows. “There’s no limit – no end to how much I think of you.”
Asahi buries his face in Yuu’s shoulder to hide his sob. “I—I thought I let you down. I thought you wouldn’t think of me the same way.”
Yuu’s hand is steady on the back of Asahi’s neck. “Because of that dumb work thing?”
“Uh… yeah?”
“Okay.” Yuu holds Asahi out at arm’s length so he can look in his eyes again. “You don’t – uh – who you are doesn’t depend on what you do, or what you achieve, Asahi. You’re you, no matter what you get done or don’t. And you don’t need to earn my respect or my love.” Yuu’s eyes are wide and sincere and deadly serious. “It breaks my heart to hear you talk about deserving it. You don’t need to deserve it. You have it. It’s yours. I love you and I respect you and that’s not—uh…” Yuu shakes his head in that rapid way Asahi adores, “it’s not up for debate, and it’s not gonna change, no matter what you do. You could start eating babies for breakfast or something, and even then I’d think ‘hey, maybe he has his reasons.’” Yuu sighs. “Do you – are you starting to get it, Asahi? San? Idiot? There’s nothing in the world that could make me think less of you, nothing in the world that could make me respect you less. Nothing.” Yuu tries for a smile. “And certainly not some stupid deadline.”
Asahi blinks. “Why didn’t you tell me not to do it?”
To his credit, Yuu doesn’t ask what Asahi means. It must have occurred to Yuu the same way it occurred to Asahi: Yuu could have commanded him to take his time. He could have ordered Asahi not to impose a deadline for what was clearly an impossible task, and Asahi would have had to obey. “Because you didn’t ask me to. I don’t care what you think, I’m not gonna set myself up as the judge of what you need when it comes to your career. All you asked me to do was the punishment thing. And it doesn’t matter if I think it’s an impossible task or not, so long as it’s your career and your decision to make, Asahi. I’m not the boss of you. No matter what you want me to be.”
“I just want you to be yourself,” Asahi blurts, urgently, knowing it’s the one thing that’ll never change. “Please.”
“Is our corner time up yet?” Yuu looks at his watch. “Nope. Ten minutes left.”
“It’s my corner time,” Asahi feels obliged to correct.
“Yeah. It’s your corner time. Which means it’s our corner time.” Yuu tugs Asahi’s head down and kisses his nose. “Would you leave me alone and hurting?”
“No, but—”
“If I’d earned it?”
“You could never earn—”
“You’re walking right into this, Asahi.”
“No, you could never deserve—”
“Neither could you!” There’s fire in Yuu’s eyes. “Why do you not believe me when I tell you that you deserve everything good in the world? Why do you always have to be so hard on yourself?”
Asahi winces. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better.”
Yuu pulls him close. “No. Don’t. I’m sorry I yelled.” He rubs Asahi’s back. “You’re perfect just as you are. Can you try to believe that? Not for anything, for me?”
Asahi takes a deep breath. Sometimes, with the conviction Yuu puts behind it… it gets easier to believe. “I promise I’ll do my best. You – will you still help me?”
Wiry arms tighten around Asahi. “Always.”
Asahi kisses the top of Yuu’s head. “Thank you.” He swallows. “I thought I’d lost your respect,” he says, voice small, and lets the tears come.
“Never,” Yuu says fiercely, pulling the blanket around Asahi’s shoulders and gripping him tight. “Gods, never. You’re such an idiot. Never, Asahi-san, never. I think the world of you. Always have, ever since I met you. Always will.” Asahi holds him, and they cling to each other as Asahi buries his face in Yuu’s hair and cries tears of relief, and Yuu steadily passes him tissues from some miraculous hidden place in his pockets.
As last Asahi subsides. He’s drained, but he feels settled, like his feet are more firmly on the ground and he’s not about to float away. “Thank you.”
Yuu moves one hand to check his watch. “Five minutes yet. I should bring you something to eat. You haven’t eaten for hours.”
Asahi holds on. “No, stay.”
“I will.” Yuu reaches up and pulls Asahi’s face down for a gentle kiss. “I’ll stay.” He crawls sideways out of Asahi’s lap, never breaking the contact between them, and shifts around on the pouf until he’s kneeling at Asahi’s back. Then he starts massaging Asahi’s shoulders again over the blanket. “You were wound so tight,” he says sympathetically, strong fingers working Asahi’s tense muscles. Asahi groans and leans forward. “I wanted to bad to tell you to ease up, Asahi, but… you had this thing you needed to work out.”
“Thing?” Asahi asks, grunting as Yuu works on a particularly tight knot.
“Yeah,” Yuu laughs wryly. “You know. One of those Asahi-moments. ‘I’m gonna work myself to death because the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders, mine and no-one else’s, and everybody better get out of my way!’ Seen ‘em often enough. All anyone can do when you get that way is get out of the way, because no-one’s gonna stop you running yourself ragged when you’ve made up your mind to do it.”
Asahi can’t help returning Yuu’s smile, but then he really thinks about that, absorbing it. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be better.” He pauses, struck by a thought. “Hey. Maybe we could use the bracelet for that?” He shifts out of Yuu’s hold and twists to face him, bringing one leg up onto the pouf.
“How so?” asks Yuu, coming around his side and settling on his knees facing Asahi, hands in his lap.
“If you think I’m doing, uh, that thing you talked about. Being irrational?” Asahi meets Yuu’s eyes, feeling like this really might have a chance of working. “Maybe you could use the bracelet, not to order me to stop, but to get me to realize I’m spiraling out of control? If you ordered me to listen, maybe it would help me listen.”
“Mm-hmm. Like… talk you down from that place you go to in your head. It might work at that.” Yuu’s nodding slowly. “Get you to slow down. Yeah. Yeah.” He smiles, nodding. “That’s a good idea, Asahi. It might help.”
“You’re so good for me,” Asahi blurts.
“Not as good as I want to be.” Yuu catches Asahi’s hands in both of his. “I want to…” The familiar fire in Yuu’s earnest hazel eyes, looking up at Asahi, steals his breath all over again, like it does every time he’s treated to the full force of that passionate gaze. “I want to make you see how – how amazing, how incredible you are. How there’s no-one like you. How everything you do, you do with your whole heart – even when you don’t do something, you do that with your whole heart, too, because you think it’s the right thing to do. Nothing’s just ‘meh’ for you – you’re always in there with your heart and soul. You’re always saying how I’m wild, but you’re the wild one, because I’ve never seen anyone throw themselves so fully into everything the way you do.”
Asahi stares. Yuu doesn’t make long, involved speeches often, but when he does, he’s so full of passion that it floors Asahi. “Uh…” he says intelligently. “I…”
“You loving me,” Yuu says fiercely. “How do you think it feels, having your own private sunbeam? It’s like… like…” He gives a little frustrated headshake. “It’s like standing in a waterfall that’s made of warmth and love and happiness and life and everything that makes my heart beat, all at once, all the time, every minute of every day. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“I do,” Asahi says gently, “because you’re the same.”
Yuu looks down and snorts suddenly. “We’re a pair of saps, aren’t we.”
Asahi grins. “I don’t mind.”
They’re startled out of the moment by Yuu’s phone alarm beeping. “Yeah! Time to get some food down you.”
“The gyoza will be cold by now.”
“Nah, I ordered in. Should be here any minute.”
Asahi suddenly squishes Yuu tight, making him yelp and giggle. “You’re so good to me.”
“And you’re crushing me!”
Grinning, Asahi pushes their noses together. “What are you gonna do about it?”
Yuu reaches out and tickles him in the ribs. Asahi squeals and releases him, laughing. “Two falls out of three!” Yuu announces, pouncing on Asahi. “Loser has to let in the delivery person!” He grabs Asahi’s shoulders and pins him to the pouf. “One!”
Still laughing, Asahi shakes his head, flailing his arms. “If it’s not on the floor, it doesn’t count!”
“Oh you want rules, huh?” Grinning, Yuu hops off him lightly, standing on the floor in a knees-bent sparring stance. “Give me your best shot!”
Asahi climbs off the pouf too, taking the same stance, angling for a shot to grab Yuu around the waist. He may have a significant weight advantage, but he knows enough not to mistake Nishinoya Yuu for a pushover. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.