Work Text:
They were used to walking behind everyone else. Not being noticed, staying in the shadows, their voice bouncing off their backs.
Benrey was used to it.
Benrey was used to watching Gordon, who they never stopped thinking about, walk away.
Walk away without a glance back.
Or holding someone else's hand.
Or laughing with the others as they went to lunch.
They told themselves not to reach out, to wait, to see if he, or Bubby, or Coomer, or Tommy, would message first. To see if they would call first. Talk first.
And Benrey waited.
Their phone stayed empty, so they reached out. Waited. Saw the read notification go off. Waited.
Waited.
It fucking ached.
Benrey reached out to Tommy, their friend for years now. Tommy would reply, they would hang out. They could play games and eat greasy pizza together! Laugh together and...
Tommy didn't answer. He was busy with the others. The selfie on the page was there. Benrey didn't need to be there. No one wanted them there.
The ache pushed up Benrey's throat, out to the floor. They heaved until their stomach was empty, and curled up, thunking their head against the wall.
"FUCK"
It echoed back at them, reminding them they were alone.
It hurt. A hollow fucking ache that reminded Benrey of laying in hospital beds, of panic attacks, of getting slapped across the face for the umpteenth time in a day.
A hollow ache that told Benrey no one cared where they went, what they went through. They were never enough. They were never going to be enough.
Benrey scrolled through the pages, looking at the pictures of Gordon, and they laughed. How many times had they daydreamed of taking Gordon on a date, somewhere they could laugh and goof off? Somewhere they could hold his hand and maybe even kiss him? How many times had they thought about a movie they could see with Tommy? A park they could go to? A festival? How many times had they imagined going with Coomer and Bubby to a concert? A play?
How many nights had he stayed up wishing themself sick that these would happen?
Benrey lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.
"the fuck am i doing." they said.
They rolled over, shaking, needing to turn the light off, but not being able to. They stared at the pills on their desk, the gloom hovering.
They laughed, and turned off the light.
"why even try. no one will come anyway."
Benrey shook and closed their eyes.
"no one here but me."