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“Ron, you’re still awake?“
Harry was looking at the ceiling of the hospital wing, even though Harry wasn’t able to see anything anyway. The lights were off already, the infirmary closed and it was probably long after curfew. At least that’s what he guessed. Harry tended to lose his sense of time whenever he was here.
His best friend grunted and Harry could hear the sound of fabric rustling. Ron must‘ve either turned towards him or away if he was already asleep.
“Yeah, I am. What‘s wrong?“ came the sleepy reply. Barely awake then.
“Ron, I‘m sorry. This is all my fault,“ Harry began to apologize but he was interrupted by his red haired friend.
“It’s quite alright mate. We‘re fine now. Besides, I haven’t had a sleepover here since when? About two years ago? It’s about time we got stuck here again, is it?“
“It’s nothing to be excited about though…“
“I didn’t say that. But we didn’t die - and you ended up saving me from the rest of our classes, so I‘m not mad if that’s what you’re worried about.“
For a moment they didn't say anything. Harry was deep in thought and Ron was either waiting for him to say something or slowly falling asleep. But Harry wasn’t ready to stay quiet just yet. Ron’s voice always comforted him in a way, which he really needed right now since this day had been crazy.
“Ron?”
“Hm?“
“I think Hermione might be right. With what she said after the incident. I wasn’t really paying attention.“
“Yeah, I noticed.“
“It was just…“ he sighed. He had absolutely no idea how he could explain it to Ron.
Not that he wouldn’t trust him with it, it was just that he wasn‘t good with words and also wasn’t sure what exactly was going on.
When their 8th year at Hogwarts had started Harry had felt all kind of emotions. Mostly sadness and anger. It came out of nowhere and sometimes it was gone too, then he felt happy. Maybe a little too happy, which resulted in him having doubts because he wasn’t sure he was even allowed to be this happy after what had happened during the war. Even though he’d always felt at home at Hogwarts, Harry couldn’t help but feel on edge a lot, as if someone would plot out some evil masterplan and a war would happen all over again. Sometimes he’d have sleepless nights and when he was able to sleep he‘d wake in cold sweat from a nightmare.
‘PTSD‘ Hermione had called it.
Still, this didn’t explain his current thoughts and feelings that were running through his head all the time lately.
“It’s Malfoy, is it?“
Ron’s voice brought Harry back to reality and he couldn’t help but tense up. How did he know? What if Ron thought that he was obsessing over Malfoy again? Just like 6th year?
Harry knew that Malfoy wasn’t up to anything, yet he couldn’t help but watch the blond Slytherin wherever he went.
“It’s not like you think it is!“
“Isn't it?“
“The thing is… everywhere I go I see him. I know he’s, for once, not trying to get everyone’s attention by being a git and that he most likely isn’t plotting anything evil, but… I can’t help but notice him anyway. But I’m not obsessed, I swear,“ Harry confessed. He really didn’t know how else he could explain his situation but he hoped that Ron of all people would understand. He always did.
Silence again.
Harry fiddled around with the corner of his duvet, a nervous habit he'd gotten as soon as the new year at Hogwarts had started. Or maybe he’d done this much earlier. He didn’t know for sure.
“Harry?“
The sound of his best friend’s voice was different, as if he was pondering something. As if he wasn’t sure or how exactly Harry would react to whatever he’s going to say.
Harry didn’t know whether or not he wanted to hear what was coming next, but Ron asked before he was able to respond. “Do you… find men attractive?“
This was definitely something Harry didn’t expect coming from his best friend just now.
“Excuse me?“ Harry cringed at how his voice cracked when he said that.
How on earth did Ron come up with that? So far Harry’d only dated women and he'd never really thought of dating a man before. At least that’s what he liked to tell himself so that he wouldn’t have to think about it too much.
Harry was frantically searching for a reply, anything to get him out of this situation.
“You must be kidding mate, I‘d never find that ferret attractive—“
Harry could practically hear the small grin on Ron‘s face when he told him, “I never talked about Malfoy, you know?“
Oh.
Oh.
Heat creeped up from his neck and Harry could feel his cheeks warming.
“No! No, this isn’t-“ Harry struggled for words.
“You got it all wrong, I was just assuming you‘d think that— I mean- why would I even want to have anything to do with that git?“
Biting his lip Harry stopped his rambling. He’d just make things worse.
“Mate, it’s all right. You don’t need to justify yourself to me.“
That immediately calmed Harry down a little.
If he was honest he wasn’t afraid of Ron reacting in a bad way. He'd always understood Harry and sometimes they didn’t even have to exchange words to understand each other.
But Harry was so confused about his feelings and someone saying what he was suspecting out loud wasn’t as relieving as Harry thought it’d be. If anything, it made it worse. It made it a reality. What if he really found Malfoy attractive? Yes, the war was over and they’re all supposed to be grown-ups, but they'd spent years being at each other’s throats. Malfoy probably still hated him. And if not, he most likely didn’t care about him at all.
Also, he’d hurt not only Harry but his friends too. How would Hermione react? Did she know too?
Harry was so deep in thought that the hand on his shoulder startled him.
“Easy there, mate.“
Ron was sitting at the edge of his bed now.
Harry wanted to answer but his throat closed up. He couldn’t make a sound. Was this an anxiety attack? His heart was beating so fast.
“Hey, talk to me Harry, tell me what’s going on. I‘m here.“
He gave his shoulder a slight squeeze and Harry took a shuddering breath.
“It’s just…“
Tears struck in his eyes and Harry had to close them; he wasn’t ready to let them out just yet.
“I don’t want to find him attractive. I don’t even know how this could happen. He’s done so many bad things- I mean, he bullied us. Yet when I look at him it’s like I don’t remember those things.“
There was a desperate tone in his voice and Harry really hoped that Ron would remind him that Malfoy was bad and that he‘d talk some sense into him again.
But his best friend just stroked his back and told him, “You know, Malfoy changed a lot. I‘ve never seen him this quiet before. It’s weird. He’s much more polite now.“
This got Harry’s attention and for a second he forgot about why exactly he was panicking.
“He is?“
Ron chuckled.
“Yeah. I personally haven’t talked to him but he’s in Muggle Studies with Hermione. No idea if he has to do it because of his sentence or if he’s doing it because he wants to, but… well. I think lately he’s been trying to be better. At least that’s what Hermione told me.“
“Probably because he has to do it. I think that he still despises muggles.“
“Do you think that Malfoy agrees with Voldemort‘s beliefs?“
“...No, I don’t think so. He regrets taking the dark mark.“
Ron nodded and Harry realized he wasn’t stroking his back anymore but had laid an arm around him.
He also realized that he’d calmed down. His heart wasn’t beating as fast and just the feeling of being tired was left. Sighing, he leaned his head onto Ron’s shoulder.
“How do you feel about it? Him having the dark mark?“
“I think I feel sad for him; he wasn’t given a choice when he had to take it. And if I think about it now, he probably wasn’t given a choice about his beliefs about muggles either. But I know he hasn’t killed anyone, he couldn’t.“
“Not a truly evil person then? Just a git?“
Harry closed his eyes and nodded.
“So what’s the reason you’re afraid of your feelings, then? If the problem isn’t Malfoy,“ Ron began in thought. “Is it Hermione and I? Are you afraid of how we would react?“
Harry hesitated, which told his best friend everything he needed to know.
“Mate, even though this would change everything it still wouldn’t change anything that's between the three of us, okay? It might take some effort to get along with the ferret. And I don’t think Hermione will forgive him for some things he’s done anytime soon. And I won’t, but… if Malfoy’s the one for you then we‘ll support you. Alright?“
This time Harry wasn’t able to hold back his tears and with a sob he nodded in understanding.
“You’re the best, Ron, you know that?“
Ron grinned as he embraced Harry.
“I wouldn’t mind hearing it more often,“ Ron replied making Harry smile.
“Come on mate, let’s lay down. You’re tired.“
Harry did as Ron said and then listened to the sound of his footsteps when Ron went back to his own bed again.
“Can I ask you something?“
Harry hadn't really expected Ron to ask him a question, since he was probably just as tired as him.
With a hint of curiosity he murmured, “Hm, yeah.“
“When exactly have you started thinking you might have a crush on him?“
He thought about it and with a yawn answered, “No idea. Just… when we were playing quidditch a couple of weeks ago I kinda thought about… uhm.“ Harry paused before continuing, “I noticed… well, he’s just got… really nice skin, you know?“ he told Ron.
His voice was almost a whisper. “Hmm I see.“
“Goodnight, Ron. And thank you.“
“Not for that mate. Goodnight.“
And as Harry was slowly falling asleep he smiled to himself.
With Ron he was always able to talk about Merlin and the world and he knew his best friend would never judge him, even if they might disagree about something sometimes.
That night was the first one in weeks when Harry didn’t have a nightmare.