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“Kenma? How long have you been awake?”
Your worried tone echoed emptily inside him. How long had he been staring at the ceiling? Days and nights had blurred together like the scenery from a bullet train without your voice to mark the change of date. The sheets were dry and cold without you, resembling an icy desert, a barren wasteland that only served as a reminder of days when fields were green and crops were fruitful.
This night is cold in the kingdom
How many times had he woke up in the middle of the night, feeling the ghost of your touch against his skin? How many nights had he stayed up far too late because he expected you to come drag him away from the screen- But you never came? How many times did he lay on the couch, waiting to hear the door click that signified your return, only to be disappointed by the deafening silence?
I can feel you fade away
Your scent was ebbing away from the sheets, and his desperation grew more by each passing day. No matter how hard he pressed his face into the sheets, he couldn’t feel you anymore, the distinct smell of your shampoo absent from the covers that the two of you used to hold each other in.
From the kitchen to the bathroom sink and
His footsteps echoed off the walls, the reverberating noises mocking him with a cocky smile, slamming the emptiness of his apartment back into his face.
Your steps keep me awake
“Y/N?” He gasped, jerking up, eyes wide. His ears strained to catch the soft padding of your feet across the wooden floor- He could’ve sworn- He could’ve sworn he heard you-
Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste
“Hey.”
There you were, standing awkwardly, looking so out of place in an apartment you once called home. “You came back...” He breathed quietly, eyes trailing over your features, trying to memorise every curve, every line- Until he found the bitter colour of guilt in your eyes. “You’re- You’re not staying, are you?”
“I... Left some things here.” Your fingers wouldn’t stop fidgeting. Didn’t you use to be the most comfortable around him? Wasn’t he the one person you could let your guard down with? What happened to those days when you promised that love was forever?
I once was a man with dignity and grace
“Oh.” The silence that followed between the two of you spoke a million words, his pain and loneliness howling like the wind in a cloudburst. Your exhaustion and heartache screamed back; fierce, pain-stricken waves against the limestone of a worn cliff. The wind and waves fought, meeting at the line of sky and sea, desperately trying to hold on to each other before getting dragged back into their respective domains.
Now I'm slippin' through the cracks of your cold embrace
He wanted so badly to wrap his arms around you, to let you kiss his forehead and brush his hair out of his eyes. If only he looked up and saw the bitter smile etched on your lips, the pain in your heart, and the hopelessness in your fingers. You couldn’t take him back, and he knew it. God, he wished he didn’t, because hanging off the edge of a chance would hurt much less than the hopelessness that plagued him.
Kenma knew.
Your departure was his fault. He didn’t love you enough, he didn’t give you enough time, he didn’t see when you started to break inside. He forgot to water the crops of your love, and now all that remained was a dried field of a failed harvest.
So please, please
“Where are you going?” He remembered asking you as he yawned, the midday sun brushing past the dark curtains in slits of gold and white. You froze like a deer caught in between headlights of a train, your eyes wide open in terror and guilt. For a moment, you felt like a criminal caught red-handed.
“I’m...” The words you had planned to say to him were lost in your lungs while Kenma’s eyes swam in confusion, his furrowed eyebrows tilting one more degree for every passing second. “I’m going out for a bit.” I’m leaving.
Could you find a way to let me down slowly?
“Oh okay.” He yawned, sinking back into the bedsheets that embraced him. The white covers looked between the two of you mournfully- At you for the exhaustion in your eyes, and at Kenma for the pain he didn’t even know was approaching rapidly. Your heart rang with a sharp throb, grateful that he didn’t notice the suitcase by your side.
The disarray of his discarded clothes on the floor was an abstract painting of reds, blacks, and blues. You shook your head, setting down your belongings to toss his dirty laundry into the basket, pulling the blanket over his shoulders with a sorrowful smile.
A little sympathy, I hope you can show me
It wasn’t until the following night that he realised what you meant by ‘I’m going out for a bit’. As in, you were going and you weren’t coming back.
You weren’t coming back.
The realisation hit him in the face like the powerful crash of a tsunami, drowning him in memories and of times when your smile quivered into a broken-hearted, cracked, forced one. The salt water poured into his lungs, filling them to the brim until he was choking, crying, sobbing his insides out, until Kenma Kozume was nothing but a dry husk of his former self.
If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely
The midday sun lit up the room in slits of gold and white, along with the splash of colours from his unwashed sweaters on the bedroom floor. His arms reached out drowsily, searching blindly for another source of heat. Empty air greeted his wandering fingers, pushing them back gently until he came to his senses and the conclusion that he wasn’t going to find anyone no matter how hard he tried.
He wasn’t going to find anyone but empty sheets.
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