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Atsushi feels lost.
The events of the last few hours are just now starting to set in. All of it feels unreal, from Fukuchi being revealed as a member of the decay of angels, to Akutagawa appearing just in time to save him from certain death, to their failure of trying to defeat Fukuchi and how Akutagawa sacrificed himself for Atsushi just so he could get away.
Atsushi doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why Akutagawa did what he did. As far as Atsushi knew, Akutagawa was a murderer with little regard for anyone else’s life. Hell, he’s even expressed how he wants to kill Atsushi and has even made numerous attempts on his life.
So why would Akutagawa do this? Atsushi was so sure the hatred he felt for Akutagawa was mutual, and every single one of his actions backed that assumption. Yet Akutagawa’s choice threw everything for the loop and now Atsushi’s left conflicted.
Atsushi’s confused. There are so many emotions raging inside of him but he doesn't recognize any of them. Every time he closes his eyes he can see Fukuchi slashing at Akutagawa’s neck. He can almost taste the copper in his mouth. But worst of all he can hear him, clear as day:
“You fool. Hurry up and go.”
He doesn’t know why, but it shook him to the core. Remembering the almost soft smile Akutagawa directed at him causes an inexplicable pain to develop in his chest.
Atsushi doesn’t know what to do with these newfound emotions. It feels like they came out of nowhere and Atsushi drowning in them. So he chooses to hate them because it’s familiar and easier than trying to comprehend anything when it comes to Akutagawa.
Still, his mind goes into overdrive, and a dull ache starts to build in his skull. Guilt bubbles up in his throat and it makes it hard for him to breathe. He doesn’t understand where it’s coming from. He doesn’t understand why all of this is happening. Why him? He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t—
“What’s got you all gloomy?”
Atsushi startles at the question. Somehow he’d forgotten he was actually in the presence of another person.
Atsushi, who was previously unaware of the fetal position he was in, finally looks up and comes face to face with Lucy. He clears his throat before he speaks. “Nothing,” he whispers, voice scratchy from disuse.
Lucy remains quiet for a bit, gaze calculating but not unkind. “Are you sure?” She asks, hesitant. “Because from the way you’re yanking at your hair, I think you’re going through quite a lot right now. Don’t wanna go bald now, would you.”
Lucy’s tone is light, a clear attempt to ease the tension. But when Atsushi doesn’t respond her face falls. She takes a seat next to Atsushi. “What’s wrong?”
Atsushi doesn’t reply at first and chooses to twist his pants into his fist. It’s a simple question. It shouldn’t be this hard to give Lucy an answer. Yet it is. He can’t seem to figure out what’s wrong, and he’s unable to put his scattered thoughts into words.
Still, he’s incapable of leaving Lucy hanging, so he eventually settles for an “I don’t know.”
It’s clear that the explanation left Lucy unsatisfied, it’s written all over her face. But she doesn’t comment on it, instead choosing to dwell in the silence looming over them.
Atsushi should feel grateful for it, but instead, it’s stifling, and before he knows it more words start flowing over. “I mean— it’s kinda silly don’t you think?”
“I was terrified. I was all alone, and for a moment I thought it really was the end,” Lucy remains quiet, listening intently to Atsushi’s words. “And then he showed up. And I know it’s strange, but despite our history, I felt safe. I really thought everything was gonna be okay.”
Atsushi laughs, a hysterical sound bursting from his lungs. “But I was wrong. God, I was so wrong.”
And from that moment on it’s as if the dam breaks loose. Atsushi’s unable to stop the words spilling from his lips. “He sacrificed himself for me, can you believe it? He chose to use himself as a decoy just so I could get away. I mean, who does that for an enemy? It’s weird, right? I think it’s pretty weird.”
“Atsushi—”
“I’m so angry at him. I want to yell at him and call him stupid and so many other ugly words but I can’t. Because he’s dead,” Atsushi’s voice, which had already been shaky before, finally cracks. “And it’s all my fault.”
“Atsushi, it’s not your fault—”
“But it is!” Atsushi snaps at Lucy. “I was a coward. I should’ve acted sooner. But instead, I was selfish and as a result he paid the price.”
Unable to say anything else, Atsushi curls into himself. Heavy sobs cause his body to shudder, hot tears gushing down his face. Lucy pulls him into an embrace. She runs her fingers through his hair, whispering soothing words into it. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“What good am I if I can’t even save the person in front of me. I’m a failure.” Atsushi weeps and that causes Lucy to push him away.
“That’s not true,” She chastises and Atsushi shrinks. She places a hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft squeeze. “Atsushi, look at me.”
Atsushi does, slowly at first. “You’re not a failure. You’ve saved so many people. You’ve saved Kyouka, you even saved me.”
“But—“
“No buts!” Lucy cuts him off. “You’ve done so much good. I could honestly slap you for not seeing it.”
Atsushi bites his lip, fiddling with his fingers. “Lucy, what am I supposed to do?” He mumbles. He waits anxiously for her to respond.
“Don’t let his sacrifice go to waste,” she states. “I’m sure that’s what he would’ve wanted.”
Atsushi considers this for a moment, and then he nods. “Yeah,” he sniffles. “I’m putting an end to this.”
He suddenly finds determination flooding within him once again. “I’m doing whatever it takes.”
“Even if it kills me.”