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"You've barely slept in your own bed since before you went to Korea."
"That's not even true mom, but look - Yu Liang is all alone in that big house."
Shi Guang knows that will work. His mother has a soft spot for boys who are potentially lonely. Plus, she likes Yu Liang. He's the kind of responsible friend every mother loves for their children. Not that she dislikes any of his friends - far from it - but Yu Liang has this politeness to him that makes every mother go weak in the knees, press a hand to her heart and say they wished their sons were a little bit more like him.
Add that sincere face of his and the general aura of someone who has never told a lie in his whole life and it's an excellent weapon. You don't want to leave someone like that alone at night. They might get kidnapped. Or worse: get lonely and don't tell anyone because they're so polite.
His mother doesn't need to know that it's not Yu Liang who doesn't want to be alone at night, though the look she's giving him now means that she's not convinced he's telling the truth.
She still nods, because she's the best mother ever.
"Take some of the leftovers from earlier, otherwise you'll just order fastfood again. I really need to teach at least one of you how to cook at some point."
He kisses her on the cheek, grabs the container from the fridge and off he goes.
There is no need to look up the bus schedule by now. He knows it by heart and if he hurries now, he'll catch the next one and be at Yu Liang's in about 30 minutes.
He doesn't even remember when he realized for the first time that he sleeps better with his friend and rival next to him.
Maybe it was back when they were in Korea. They had stayed in the same hotel room, but their beds had been on opposite walls.
Shi Guang had lain in this huge empty bed, stared at the ceiling and counted the tick-tocks of the clock on his nightstand.
He can't recall now if he had been tired or wide awake back then; if he'd been calm or nervous. He does remember feeling like something was missing.
Apart from Chu Ying. Chu Ying was always missing.
He'd started tossing and turning and must have eventually fallen into a fitful half-sleep. He hadn't heard Yu Liang getting up. He just remembers his matress dipping, someone lifting his blanket. A sleep heavy voice murmering: "This is ridiculous."
Suddenly there had been the warm weight of Yu Liang's back at his back and oh. His whole body had relaxed immediately. Afterwards he'd slept like a rock and when he had woken up the next morning, refreshed and excited for their match, Yu Liang had already been up and in the bathroom.
It's actually a bit embarassing to think about.
He's fine most days. He really is. He has weiqi. He has his mother. He has his friends. He loves all of them dearly. The piercing pain that used to accompany every thought of Chu Ying is gone, replaced by a dull ache from time to time when his mothers watches one of her dramas or he sees two people on a bike on the street. Now there are just so many happy memories when he places a stone on the weiqi board.
It's the nights that are the problem. Not every night. The ones with a full moon are the worst. Those are the nights his thoughts start to spiral.
Chu Ying disappared while I was asleep.
Yu Liang is not Chu Ying. Their relationship is completely different.
Shi Guang is as aware of this as he is of the weight of the weiqi pieces between his fingers when he plays a game. And yet. Like Chu Ying, Yu Liang is so entangled in Shi Guang's weiqi that he doesn't know what it would be like without him. It's a terrifying thought.
Maybe that's why his brain chooses to conflate the two some nights when the full moon is looking at him through his window.
Chu Ying left him.
Yu Liang will leave him.
He knows it doesn't make any sense, especially now that they're so close and his rival is not... whatever Chu Ying was... but in those moments it feels like the inevitable truth.
Then a heavy weight suddenly settles on his chest and it becomes hard to breath. The dread trying to choke him.
Sometimes he can feel it coming.
Once, a few weeks back on one of those nights, he'd actually called Yu Liang. When a sleepy voice had answered, he'd just started rambling about how another weiqi move was clearly superior to the one he had seen Yu Liang play the day before. His rival had just groaned in that exasperated way of his, but had mumbled some replies Shi Guang hadn't understood half of the time.
He'd slept just fine that night.
The next morning he'd just stared at the shadows the too bright sun had painted on his ceiling and told himself that he could have just as easily called Hong He, but didn't want to disturb his sleep when his friend clearly needed it right now. Or Jiang Xue Ming, but she'd have worried and maybe told his mother. Or maybe Shen Yi Lang. He'd have listened. Wu Di would have listened.
It was just that he had Yu Liang on speed dial as a leftover from when they were training for the pair tournament.
He knows now that this is not quite the truth, but he can dwell on that later. He has an important game the day after tomorrow and it's almost the full moon again. It might be pathetic and he certainly needs to work through this at some point, but right now he just needs a guaranteed night of good sleep.
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He hadn't even realized how fast his steps has gotten since he'd gotten out at the bus station and makes an effort to slow down and catch his breath. Nothing more pathetic than arriving on someone's doorstep, looking desperate.
Stealing himself, he reaches for the doorbell, but the door opens before he even touches it. Yu Liang is staring at him with the same contemplative look in his eyes he sometimes gets when he is thinking really hard about his next move.
It's familiar and Shi Guang's shoulders relax a fraction. He uses his already stretched out hand to tap the other's forehead as he steps inside. "Stop frowning, you'll get wrinkles."
"Your mother just called."
He walks after Shi Guang into the living room, pointing at the phone still in his hand as if to illustrate his point.
"Is everything alright? She sounded worried."
Damnit. Guess she really didn't buy it afterall.
"Yes, everything is fine. Why wouldn't it be. You know, mothers. Why can't I just come visit my eternal rival for a challenging game of weiqi in the evening? You know we have to stay sharp and be ready at all times... because of the... dangerous weiqi gangs out there trying to challenge us!"
He even waves with his hands to emphasize his genius argument, but Yu Liang just keeps frowning. He wants to reach out again.
"Shi Guang."
Ugh, it's that tone. He sighs.
"Look. Just let me sleep here for one more night, okay? I won't ever bother you afterwards. Probably."
The frown just deepens.
"Please."
It sounds whiny. He knows it sounds whiny. He also knows that Yu Liang will fold like a house of cards if he just looks pathetic enough.
"I was never not going to let you stay, but I do agree with your mother. Something is wrong and I'd like to help, alright? Don't shut me out." The again is only implied but still very clearly there.
He wants to talk about it. He does. He just doesn't know how to not mention Chu Ying. He's not ready for that yet. He has accepted that he'll likely tell at least Yu Liang at some point, but not yet. Definitely not yet. He wants Chu Ying to stay only his for a while longer. He has earned that little bit of selfishness.
There is also still this small voice inside his head - that sounds nothing like Chu Ying - telling him that if he tells Yu Liang about his teacher having been some sort of ghost-like astral projection from 1000 years ago, his rival would lose respect for him. He worked very hard for that respect. What if Yu Liang thinks that Shi Guang has lost it? Or worse, what if he thinks that Shi Guang had been cheating at weiqi and should never have come as far as he has now? It's not like he can prove Chu Ying's existence to anyone anymore.
"Shi Guang?"
"Yes, yes. Sorry. I won't, but it's been a long day. Let's just eat, maybe play a game and then go to sleep?"
Another frown, but also a nod. He'll take it.
It's always easy to settle back into the routine they established all those months ago. It's calming. Relaxing almost.
His voice is losing the nervous edge it had going on all day and he stops dreading the night.
After dinner, which included stealing from Yu Liang's plate a lot just because it's fun, he feels like he's back to normal.
He has figured it out a long time ago. His friends keep him grounded.
Chu Ying. Jiang Xue Ming. Wu Di. Gu Yu. Hong He. Shen Yi Lang. Yu Liang.
They keep him from flailing around. It's not like he's completely helpless without them, but he just hasn't been without someone constantly by his side for so long and now he still feels a bit off-kilter sometimes.
He's not trying to replace Chu Ying, he never could, but training with Yu Liang for the pair competition had helped immensely just after he had barely managed to climb out of that big black hole he had fallen in.
He'd learned how his rival thinks. How he sees the weiqi board. How he plans his next moves. It was almost like reading his mind when they'd played together in the end. Yu Liang's voice had filled that great emptiness in his head.
You have me.
They play a game. He knows Yu Liang is trying not to look too smug about winning, but Shi Guang is too good at reading his face at this point. The grin is coming easy to his face now. He's going to be fine. Tomorrow he'll train extra hard for their next game, that he is totally going to win. Today he doesn't mind.
"Oh, Yu Liang laoshi, please teach this humble player your superior ways hehehe."
He gets a well deserved punch in the shoulder for that one.
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He hasn't tangled himself up in his bedding for months now, but he's almost tempted to do it on purpose, just to rile Yu Liang up a bit once more but decides against it cause he tries to tell himself that he's grown into a more mature person occasionally. Doesn't always work, but he does try to make an effort.
The warmth that settles over him when Yu Liang joins him after a mumbled good night, doesn't just come from where Yu Liang's back is almost touching his. He can feel it in his fingertips. A deep, comfortable calm settles over him like a second blanket.
He is aware of Yu Liang's breath. Slow and steady.
He's there and he's not going to leave. If he wanted to, Shi Guang could roll over and reach out. Reassure himself further.
It's enough for him to fall into a deep, dreamless sleep not long after.
When he wakes up the next morning he's feeling better than he has in quite some time. He's also cold, but he had expected that. The price of a good night's sleep is Yu Liang stealing his blanket more often than not. It should annoy him, but usually it just puts him into a good mood. It's also an excellent opportunity to tease his rival a bit, so he sits up and is all but ready to poke Yu Liang's side to wake him up as punishment, but...
Oh.
Yu Liang is lying on his side, face towards him, closer than he had expected. Safe and warm under his own blanket, but clutching Shi Guang's blanket in his arms with his face half buried in it, looking peaceful.
Oh.
It's not the first time he has woken up to this picture, but somehow it's hitting differently this morning. He doesn't quite understand why, but he has the urge to reach out and brush the hair from Yu Liang's forehead. Maybe even stroke down the bridge of his nose with his forefinger.
He should get out of bed. He should maybe start making breakfast. He should do something.
Instead his mind is flashing back to his last talk with Hong He just two days ago.
"My father is finally going to get released from the hospital soon and I'm going to move back home. Do you want to stay at the apartment? I could talk to the landlord?"
His friend had looked so utterly exhausted, but also hopeful for the first time in weeks that Shi Guang hadn't even spared a thought on that idea. He had been too busy trying to distract his friend with a movie, some fastfood and gossip that had nothing whatsoever to do with hospitals or illnesses. Living together with someone who was not Hong He? Who would even want that?
Oh, but now Shi Guang wants.
Grabbing his rival's shoulder, he starts shaking him. Chu Ying taught him to attack quick and grab every opportunity that presents itself afterall. No time for doubts.
"Yu Liang. Yu Liang. Wake up! Yu Liang!"
"Hm?"
"Come on. Wake up."
Bleary eyed Yu Liang is doing something weird to Shi Guang's insides. He really needs to eat breakfast soon, but this needs to be dealed with first.
"Move in with me!"
Yu Liang wouldn't be his rival, if he didn't have quick perception, but the speed with which he suddenly looks very much awake and is sitting up is astounding.
"Okay, what?"
"Move in with me. It's going to be great. We can play weiqi every day! Before breakfast! After dinner!"
"Shi Guang."
"No, no. Hear me out. You can't deny how much better we both got when we were training together."
"Shi Guang, what is this?"
"This is me having an awesome idea."
There was that frown again. Accompanied by a deep sigh.
Peeling himself completely out of his blanket, Yu Liang moved closer, so their knees were touching.
"Shi Guang," his fingers twitching like he wants to reach out, but is thinking better of it "please be honest with me. What is going on? Are you okay?"
"Yes."
A look.
"I mean, no not really, but I'm working on it and I swear it doesn't have anything to do with this."
And it hasn't. Yes, of course he sleeps better with Yu Liang there, but now that the idea has entered his head, this is almost an afterthought. He's honestly wondering why he hasn't considered it before. He enjoys spending time with this person. He likes playing weiqi with him. He likes teasing him. He likes making him laugh. He likes making him smile in that certain way that makes Shi Guang feel all warm inside. He might even like fighting with him.
He wants to live with Yu Liang. Possibly forever.
Taking Yu Liang's hand in his is something he wouldn't have thought possible just a year ago, but now it seems like the easiest thing in the world. He can feel the weiqi calluses on the others fingers and knows they're mirroring his own.
"Look, Hong He asked if I wanted to keep the apartment. It's a good place."
"Is that what this is about? I'm not going to be your Hong He replacement."
He hadn't raised his voice at all, but Shi Guang can hear it crack a bit. Gripping the hand that was about to be ripped out of his own harder, he takes a deep breath.
"That's not what I mean. Yu Liang, you know me better than that. I know we annoy each other sometimes, but we're good together. You asked me to trust you a few months ago and I do. Probably more than anyone else right now. So, please trust me now when I say that this is something I believe will work."
"I do trust you, you know I do, but you basically know everything there is about me, but I know that you still have secrets. That's fine, but when you spring stuff like this on me, when I don't know where they suddenly come from-"
"I know! I know and I'm sorry. I will tell you one day, I promise. Just give me a bit more time?"
"Shi Guang. You know I'll wait however long you need."
"You don't have to decide now. Think about it for a few days."
Yu Liang squeezing his hand while nodding gives Shi Guang another case of those new warm flutters and he pulls his rival from the bed, because he does feel very hungry all of a sudden.
"Okay, breakfast now and then I'll go visit grandpa. You can come if you want. He's always so excited when I bring you!"
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Determined to give Yu Liang all the time he needs, Shi Guang doesn't talk about his suggestion for the rest of that day. He'll give him a week - at most, because no one has ever accused him of being patient - before he's going to bring it up again.
He will call Hong He in the evening just in case. Chu Ying always told him to be prepared for any sudden moves his opponent might make afterall. Not that Yu Liang is his opponent in this, but it applies anyways. Shi Guang even thinks about not texting or calling, so Yu Liang would naturally start missing him and think about how great it would be to see Shi Guang every day, but decides they're beyond that. It might not even work cause Yu Liang knows him too well at this point and maybe say no out of spite.
Nonetheless he sleeps quite well that night.
Luckily it doesn't take any longer than one more day for him to get his answer. It's a single text consisting of the word: "Yes."
He sees it right after turning his phone back on after his match and basically runs outside to call. Yu Liang answers after the second ring.
"Tell me you won your game, cause if you didn't, I'll take it back."
"Of course I did! Who do you take me for? A third-rate weiqi player? So, when do we move in?"
"After you talked to your mother about it."
"I mean, obviously-"
"Shi Guang. She's worried. I'm worried. If you don't want to talk to me, please talk to her."
"I do want to talk to you! We will talk, I promise. I'll also talk to my mom. I want to do this right. This is going to be awesome. You won't regret it."
He won't let Yu Liang regret it. He won't let them turn into Xu Ge and Bai laoshi. There won't be any resentments, except maybe about who does the dishes. There won't be any jealousies, except maybe about who gets the more interesting opponents. There won't be a time when they aren't close. Just the thought fills him with dread.
"I don't expect to. Just give me a call when everything is settled and then we go from there."
Shi Guang smiles. They're going to be fine. No, better than fine. They're going to be great.
"One of us needs to learn how to cook, though."
Chu Ying. Watch me. I'm walking towards my future.