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"... and that's it."
With a little flourish of his hand, Shen Yilang adds some spice to the pot. Shi Guang is sure his friend told him the name of it less than two minutes ago, but he has already forgotten.
Shen Yilang had written the recipe down for him in his neat hand writing and even added some helpful commentary, so this is extra pathetic and therefore not worth mentioning. He had already accepted that he'll never be a great cook, but right now he's almost sure that he's only useful for cutting the vegetables someone else needs to cook for him.
"Have I already told you how thankful I am that you're doing this for me?"
"Once or twice."
"Seriously, thank you thank you thank you."
"Shi Guang, I'm your friend. You asked me for help, so of course I came. It's not a big deal"
But it is. It's a very big deal.
He needs to talk to his mother. He needs her to be in a good mood, needs her to see that his plan is a good one. He promised Yu Liang he would and he actually does want to. He doesn't want to shut her out. She deserves to know what's going on and why he's been more distant in the last few months.
He knows he won't be able to tell her the whole truth. His mother is way too much of a realist, too grounded in the reality of the world. She sees death almost every day. He can't tell her about the maybe-ghost-maybe-an-astronomical-phenomenon-from-a-thousand-years-ago being the one who taught him how to play weiqi, but he can tell her enough.
I'm sorry Chu Ying. I wish I could shout your name to the heavens and get you the recognition you deserve. Everyone should know about you.
He manages to get Shen Yilang out of their house fifteen minutes before his mother is due to come home from her shift.
The food is ready and they've set the table earlier, even put some flowers from his grandpa's garden in a vase, so he'll just have to wait now.
Somehow it's important that his mother is on board with this. He wants her to approve. Maybe because she's usually right about things and he wants this to be the right thing so badly.
Fifteen minutes can be a very long time when you're staring at the clock while waiting for something to happen and Shi Guang almost flinches when he finally hears his mother using her key to open the front door.
He hurries to take her coat, which already earns him a confused look and then her brows knit together even further.
"Shi Guang, what's that smell?"
"I cooked for you! Don't look so surprised!"
"Oh god what happened now? What did you do? Do you need help? Do we need to call someone?"
"Mum. Everything is fine."
A look.
"Just sit down and eat. Please. The food was made especially for you."
"By you?"
"I totally ... helped?"
Her mouth twitches at that and her eyebrows relax a bit, which Shi Guang decides not to feel insulted by. He owns his lack of talent in the kitchen now. Chu Ying always said it's important to know your own weaknesses and this is one he can live with. Sort of. He'll just have to convince Yu Liang of his helplessness and make him learn how to cook. Otherwise they'll just have to order take-out forever and that's not something responsible adults should do. Maybe Shi Guang should get him a cookbook...
Wait. He needs to make the moves that will serve as the foundation for his strategy first and then he can think about what he'll do later. One step after the other.
They mostly eat in companionable silence. Sometimes his mother remarks how tasty the food is and Shi Guang preens, despite how little he had to do with making it. It had been his idea afterall and he's genuinely delighted to see his mother enjoying herself. She deserves this and so much more. He really needs to surprise her more often. Maybe buy some flowers occasionally.
The ice cream for dessert is store bought, but he really gives his all to make it look presentable in the small glass bowls he found at the back of the kitchen cabinet. He arranges the fruit in a pattern he thinks looks good and carefully balances the bowls so he gets to his mother who is now sitting on the couch, without everything going lopsided.
The smile she gives him when he presses her bowl into her waiting hands helps calm his nerves somewhat.
"So will you tell me what this is about now?"
He takes a deep breath. He can do this. This is his mother, someone who loves him and not his next opponent, waiting for a wrong move. He has done this before, he can do it again and better this time.
"You know last year, when I was... not doing well..."
He can feel her stiffen next to him.
"I'm aware that I made a lot of people worry. A lot. You deserve an explanation. Not just for back then, but also the last few weeks."
"Shi Guang, as long as you're better now, you don't need to tell my anything."
"I want to."
He does. He really does. He might not be able to tell her the whole thing, but she might be the only one he can tell the closest thing to the truth without getting some questions in return he won't know how to answer.
His mother just nods in that earnest way mothers do when they're preparing to have a serious talk with their children and settles back into the sofa.
"You know most of my early weiqi teachers. At least those who count. Bai laoshi, Ban laoshi and Zhu laoshi. I owe them a great lot. They helped form me into the player I am today... but there was another one. Someone I've never told you about. Someone very important."
He glances over at her, to gauge her reaction to there being a person in her son's life she doesn't know, but she seems determined to just listen for now.
"He was old. Very old. A lot older than grandpa. He gave me lessons outside of the club. He wasn't just a teacher to me. He was more of a mentor. A friend. He taught me so many things - not just about weiqi, but about life. He was always there to support me. Every time when I was about to give up he encouraged me or just listened to me vent before saying something incredibly smart. We fought sometimes, too but he was always there and then..."
Suddenly his mother's arms are around him. His head is pressed into her shoulder by a hand in his hair. There are tears on his cheeks, hot and wet. He releases a wet sob he hadn't realised he had been holding in.
She's rocking him a bit like he's a small child she needs to comfort and Shi Guang thinks that she's not really wrong. While thinking of Chu Ying makes him feel tall and strong in front of a weiqi board, it also often makes him feel small and helpless at night.
He can hear his mother sniffling softly, her hands stroking his back and through his hair.
"The birthday cake?"
Shi Guang nods.
"It's okay, you don't need to say anymore."
He sometimes forgets that his mother doesn't only know death, but also grief. She tries not to show it too much but after an especially hard shift at the hospital she sometimes wears it like a heavy cloak. Shi Guang doesn't know all that she's seen there, but he knows that she understands.
His next words are muffled by her shoulder, but also come out easier.
"I'm better now. I really am, but... my teacher told me once that he'd always watch over me like the moon and sometimes at night I try to sleep and it's like an endless loop in my head..."
"And going to Yu Liang helps."
It's not a question. Shi Guang shouldn't even be surprised. Of course his mother had paid attention and really, no one has ever accused him of being subtle, yet he can't help the blush that's threatening to creep up on his cheeks. He just nods again, his nose rubbing on her shirt.
"I'm glad. It's always good to have friends."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you?"
Oh, right. He hasn't asked yet. He straightens his back, wipes the tears from his face.
"I want to move back into mine and Hong He's apartment. With Yu Liang."
"Shi Guang, do you really think-"
"I swear it's not because of the story I told you. Okay, maybe a little bit... but it's not because of my sleeping problems - I swear I'm working on that on my own, it's just Yu Liang won't move in with me until I talk to you... but that's really not why I told you! I wanted to tell you! I just sometimes need... a little push and... Yu Liang is good at... pushing me... I guess. Don't tell him I said that! He'll never let me live it down!"
He buries his head in his hands with a groan. He can feel the tips of his ears going red. This is not how he had planned to do this. Maybe this is the moment where he should go hide in his room.
Then his mother starts chuckling.
"So, will you throw a temper tantrum like last time and do it anyways if I say no?"
"Mum, I-"
"Shi Guang. I know you think me overbearing sometimes-"
"No, mum... I mean, yes maybe sometimes but your opinion does matter ... and this is important to me and-"
"I know. Let me finish. I stand by most of the things I said last time. You were very young, your future didn't look all that secure and you had no life experience. I'm your mother and it's my job to worry about you and I had to worry about you. A lot. It is also my job to acknowledge your growth. You're older now. You earn your own money. You've experienced how great life can be and also how cruel and unfair to you and people you love. I might not have known why you were acting like you did last year, but I also watched you get back up. You have friends and colleagues by your side and you'll always have me. I'm so very proud of you."
"Mum-"
"What I'm trying to tell you here is... go out there and spread your wings, just don't forget about me and your grandfather and come visit some time."
Now it's his turn to throw his arms around her.
"I have the best mother in the entire world."
"Yes, you do. You're very lucky and now let's eat this ice-cream, before it completely turns into liquid."
--------
Later, lying on his bed, Shi Guang feels a little like he's floating. Finally someone knew about what Chu Ying meant to him. Kind of at least. He hadn't mentioned his name to his mother, because he's a bit afraid of Hong He or his grandfather making some comment to her that would could raise a lot of questions.
Sorry, Chu Ying. This was the best I could do. I'm sure you understand.
There is only one thing left to do, so he pulls out his phone and hits speed dial. The grin comes easily to his face now and he almost feels giddy when he presses the phone to his ear.
"She said yes."
"Hm."
"You can't back out anymore now. You're stuck with me, so be prepared!"
There is only an exaggerated sigh from the other end that makes Shi Guang smile even harder.
"I didn't expect anything else. I've already told my parents. They're fine with it. I think my father was even relieved. It's a bit weird that he's so invested in my friendships now... Shixiong says he's making up for lost times and I'm not unhappy about it, but last week he just showed up at team training and almost everyone froze up and those who didn't wanted autographs."
"Awkward. He's not getting a key. I think I'd straight up die if I woke up one morning to find Yu Xiaoyang in our kitchen, making breakfast or something. Unless he's really good at it?"
"He actually is. Should I ask if he wants to move in with you?"
"Na, you'll just have to learn how to cook."