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It was hard for Hinata to say how he felt. There were always people coming into his life and dictating the way he should think and feel towards not only his social standpoint but also to himself. He wasnt confident in any regard and it was as if the words tumbled out of his mouth was uncontrollable.
He could see the way others were uncomfortable with how much he spoke and yet even though he screams at himself within his head to stop speaking the words flood out. Hinata hated those moments and even more so he hated to get hugs from those who pity him. Even his mother was no exception, having a hug was a dangerous thing, not only does it trick you into feeling loved but it hides the others face.
He had seen his friend's face from the mirror once during a hug and it was as if his soul froze in his chest. The look of disgust on their face as they held on left him reeling and it hurt beyond belief. Had asking for a toss really distanced himself from reality enough to the point where Hinata imagined them to be friends? He had never been able to trust any other hug again, it was too close to being vulnerable for his comfort and everyone was letting him down one by one lately.
It was hard for him to say how he felt when he didn't even understand it himself. How could he explain how empty he felt or that he no longer felt like himself. There was a sense of detachment within him, as if he was a puppet with their strings cut and now finally gaining control of their legs but unsure on how to move or even if they were a real person at all.
He had become dependent on the strings to carry him through life somewhat content to stay a spectator yet desperately wanting to be normal. He wanted to laugh until he cried and genuinely feel the humour, he wanted to remember the conversations he had with people and feel nostalgic instead of nervous at the thought of another phantom memory.
He had gaps of his memory of childhood and the fuzzy memories of striking a volleyball was what he could remember. And of course the strikes his mother would land on him as he went on with his day at school pretending nothing was wrong. Those that viewed him as lucky or happy couldn’t have been further from the truth and it was a struggle he was trying to win.
He wanted to prove them right and pretend that everything was okay but the cracks in his smile where his eyes shone with tears were mistaken for excitement. Who would be excitement to be one step closer to their death? In one way he couldn’t help but be proud of himself for learning quickly on how he should act, talk and address his mother.
The word ‘she’ was eradicated from his vocabulary when talking about her and he could only reference his mother as her title of a mother and nothing else. Hinata had learned to equivocate the word ‘cleaning’ with pain quicker than any cram for a test. The phantom feelings of burning hands on his face, stomach and legs made him think about those memories, it was bitter sweet in a way and no matter what he still felt as though he deserved it.
He knew that her temper was like a snowball rolling down a snowy path, building up bigger and bigger until it was a boulder ready to crush him if he didn’t find a way to diffuse the situation. Hinata had also learned to not dodge or argue, it only would get worse from there and he just wanted to get it over with so he could crawl back into bed and wrap his arms around himself in some sort of pitiful self comfort.
Sometimes he caught himself flinching away whenever he caught a glimpse of a belt or a metal spatula, even a broom left him shaky and pickling sensations riding up and down his body. He knew all too well how much it hurt when it was used against you, the welts on your body that somehow he couldn’t help but dig his fingernails into or pinch.
The bruises he got were expertly hidden or casted off as just some rough practice for volleyball. After all he was crazy wasn’t he? Hinata didn’t feel as if he could amount to much, his test scores were abysmal and his common sense seemed to fail him at critical moments so maybe he deserved this one.
His body also felt like an alien, the way his lips creeped up into a smile when he felt like crying or the way his body laughed when he didn’t feel the humor at all. It had gotten him in situations he didn’t want to, locked in a conversation when all he wanted to do was move and get away as quick as he can so he can finally keep quiet.
Hinata’s mouth was traitorous and had a life of its own, constantly spouting off lies and playing along with jokes he never found funny in the first place but it wasn’t like anyone noticed. The talks of mental health within his school once it hit that yearly point was bullshit, bullying was never sorted and Hinata had felt the brunt of that at one point. The shame that would rack his body at the thought of spending another day not saying anything about his struggles or even worse being derealised again.
And worst of all that it happened without his permission, he no longer had any control of his body and it felt as if he was possessed. How on earth was he to explain to his mother or anyone else that the words that flooded out his mouth was not his own? That when he laughed out loud it wasnt how he truly felt?
It was a weird feeling that made everyday harder and harder to connect with his own body. The very freckles on his cheeks felt as if they belonged to another person and it was a thought that weighed heavily on his mind. Each hair on his body belonged to someone else and when he locked eyes with himself in the mirror he seemed to drift away from reality even more.
He felt like his soul was forced into the wrong body and that someone else was meant to be in this place. Why else would he feel so unnatural? The skin on his body wanted to crawl off and Hinata found himself in the habit of trying to claw it off himself.
It all felt so wrong. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that it was really him standing there, the worse it got. He was always on the verge of a panic attack when he thought about how distanced he felt and it never failed to make him feel worse about himself. The tuning in back on conversation only to notice he was missing his sense of reality was terrifying, the lack of memory and the derealised state he found him constantly in left him wishing for death.
His mother would surely lock him up if he ever expressed these views and Hinata made peace with the fact that he will never be able to get help for his constant disassociated state.
He didn’t know what he would do if he got locked up, he wasn’t temped to take his own life anymore like he once was. Hinata had almost attempted it at one point but realised he had something to live for, his dream. In a life filled with constant abuse there was still a shining light for him, volleyball.
He had hopes to be the number 1 ace like the little giant and he had clung to that as whole heartedly as he can. In all honesty if this failed he wouldn’t know what to do with himself, there would be no-one else there to patch up his wounds for him or wind him down from a panic attack.
Hinata had spent countless moments imagining what it would be like to be somewhere else, anywhere else he thought could be better than this but those thoughts fill him with shame. There was always someone having it worse than him. Hinata had a roof over his head, education, food, warmth and a family to take care of him after all.
No-one really cared about the discrepancies of your life if you look fine on the outside but still he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen to be somewhere else. He could live in the Caribbeans, he could go and do overseas studying or possibly even just run away.
This could only be a fantasy in the end and whilst his soul seems to scream from the distance its set from his body, he knew that he could endure this. The fear of being alone with no-one to keep him from the edge was terrifying and the times of manic paranoid left his body feeling like an unresponsive rock on his bed.
Just wait a while. Just a little longer until he was 18 and then he would be free.
Hinata could do this, he had held out for so long already and now he knows that he can do it.
Just a little longer.