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It was a sunday afternoon, the weather outside was terrible. JJ and Emily finally had a day off, and JJ took it as an opportunity to start decorating the house with Christmas lights. She had bought the tree the day before and had decorated it with the help of Henry and Michael.
JJ was on a stool trying to hang the lights to the ceiling, but the stool was too unsteady so she asked Emily, who was reading on the couch.
“Hey honey, could you just hold the stool for a second?”
“Yeah sure” said Emily, but her tone was slightly out of the ordinary.
When JJ got down she asked “Are you okay?”
“Yes, why?” asked Emily, looking confused.
“I don’t know, nevermind”.
A few days later, as JJ was cuddling with the brunette in their bed. “And so Henry was so happy because he got to meet Santa, and he told him what he wanted for Christmas, and don’t worry, he also told me what he wanted. It was a really good day.” She noticed Emily wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying “And then I saw my ex and made out with him for ten minutes straight while I let Henry all alone”.
Emily didn’t react.
“Em? Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” asked JJ.
“Yeah, I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
“Emily what’s going on?”
Emily sat up, confused. “Nothing, why?”
“There’s something wrong, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know, maybe I did something wrong and it upset you, if I did I’m really sorry, but you’re acting weird and it’s starting to freak me out.” JJ was on the verge of tears.
Emily looked at her girlfriend and put a reassuring hand on her arm “No, JJ, you did nothing wrong I promise”
“Then what’s going on?”
Emily shrugged “I guess I just don’t like Christmas”
“You don’t like Christmas? How?”
“I don’t know, I just don’t like it”
“Why?”
“It’s- nothing, it’s stupid”
JJ frowned, she knew Emily enough to know that it wasn’t stupid, and that she was doing that thing again where she’d close herself up and not let anyone in. She wanted to respect that, but she also wanted the brunette to know she was here for her.
“You know Em, you can always talk to me, I’ll never judge you, I’m here to listen to you and help you in any way I can because I love you”
“Thank you JJ” Emily smiled softly. Emily was about to go to sleep but she had this weird feeling she had never felt before. She felt like she had to tell JJ, she had to talk to her instead of bottling up her emotions as she usually did.
“Actually…” Emily was hesitating. “Actually I’m gonna tell you why”
“I’m listening” JJ was looking at her with so much love and kindness that Emily felt safe, she knew she could open up to her in a way she had never done before.
“When I was a kid, my mom and I moved a lot, we were never in the same place for more than a few months, and when I was 4, I still believed in Santa obviously, and I was really excited about Christmas morning. That year I woke up, I went to wake up my mom, I was so happy, but she wasn’t here. I went downstairs and under our small tree there were no gifts, nothing. The cookies and the glass of milk I had left for Santa the night before were still here, untouched. It broke my heart. My mom came back during the afternoon, turns out she had forgotten it was Christmas. She had been so buried in her work that I didn’t exist for her. That day I started crying, telling her it was her fault, that because we were moving so often, Santa Clause couldn’t keep up with us, and all she said, and I’ll never forget it, was that Santa didn’t come because I had been a naughty girl all year because I wouldn’t leave her alone, and that it was on me. Then I learnt about the fact that Santa was not real, and made the connexion. I never liked celebrating Christmas after that.”
Emily was looking down at her hands, trying to hide her tears from JJ.
“Emily I’m so sorry” said JJ, trying not to cry too.
“It’s okay”
“No it’s not, you didn’t deserve that, no one deserves that. No four years old little girl should get her heart broken by her mother, this is awful”.
JJ came closer to Emily and tried her tears with her hand, stroking her cheeks. The brunette closed her eyes and rested her head for a second on her girlfriend’s hand, still on her cheek.
“I’m not gonna lie, I think you could be the only person capable of make me like Christmas again”
“I’ll do my best”. JJ smiled at her.
It was like time had stopped when their lips met, all JJ wanted was to make Emily understand that she would never feel alone again, that she was there for her no matter what, and that she would do everything to give her the most magical christmas this year, and every year after that.