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Dean took a sharp intake of breath upon reaching the bottom of the bunker staircase. All he could do for a moment was look. Castiel- self sacrificing Castiel- was standing mere steps away from him and his brain was short - circuiting. He dropped his duffel bag on the floor, not particularly tuning in to how or why this had happened, something about Jack. He barely registered Sam's greeting hug to Cas, his walk past them or his brief hand on Dean's shoulder as he left the room.
The air felt thick, unsaid words and muddled feelings coating it. Dean had to remind himself to breathe.
Cas was looking down at the floor of the map room, glancing at the walls, over at the chairs, taking in the map table itself. Anywhere but Dean's face, it seemed. His hands were fidgeting and he was starting to walk and- he was walking away. Leaving him again. Dean felt like he'd been injected with adrenaline and he reached a hand out to grab Cas' arm before he could move any further. "Cas" he blurted. The arm stiffened. He could feel his eyes watering, confused, heart bursting and god not only was Cas here but Cas thought Dean didn't love him back. He was panicking and elated and upset all at once and before he could stop himself he was talking, "Cas you- Cas you idiot. Why would you- Stop." He said, voice firm, "Stop doing that." Stop leaving me.
Cas looked all sorts of things Dean didn't want him to look. He had bared his everything. His deepest truth. Cas had laid it all out on the table. Nothing to be left unsaid. Nothing to face when he had gone. But Cas was no longer gone. Cas was here, standing still and unwilling to meet Dean's eyes. Dean's words and his tone forced him to look up enough to meet them, "Stop what, Dean?" His lip was quivering and he looked so, so overwhelmed. "I mean I- you can't keep doing this Cas, you're- Cas I-"
Say it, just say it his mind was telling him. He was scared. Castiel loved him- with all of his being- but Dean was scared. A tear fell down his cheek but he didn't have the willpower to wipe it away. He inhaled, and let Cas' unsure hand brush his tear away with his thumb, always so gentle with him. How could Dean not have known?
"Look" he said, "Cas, every time. Every time you do this. Every time you leave me- or you sacrifice yourself. Or you go off the map-" Cas was silent, hanging onto each word that Dean spoke. Dean willed himself to say it. Deep breath. "It breaks my heart, Cas."
Cas' expression shifted, curiosity mixing with panic. He tilted his head and uttered a whisper of, "What?" Dean could tell he was on unstable ground, waiting for whatever Dean would say so that he could process that too and find a way to deal with it. After all, Cas thought his feelings were unreciprocated. His eyes looked like the sea after a storm, like the one that had been in Dean's heart for many years. Deep blue, but like the sunlight was gliding across them now.
"But Dean, you never-" He nodded, "Stopped you. I know. But I was desperate too. Every time I wanted to grab your shoulder- take your hand, even- but I just stood there, man. I get that's what you needed, I get that now. And I'm sorry-" His eyes begged for Cas to see him now, sincere and not breaking his gaze. See me like you always have.
"Listen Cas, when you go- when you leave like that. It- it kills me, I can't do it anymore." He could feel the tears dampen his cheeks, he felt so incredibly vulnerable. But this was Cas, he could open up to him. Castiel was the opposite of his father- open, caring and unconditional in his love.
He supposed the reason it hurt like a knife through the gut when Cas was away- or worse- was that he was one of the few things, people, that were a constant in his life. Cas was always there, always offering an 'I'll go with you'. Always checking on him, always sticking by him- through the best and worst times. It had started before Cas had even rebelled.
"Dean, what are you saying?" Cas asked, eyebrows furrowed and expression unsure. "It kills me, not just because you're our friend. Or we need you around. Cas that thing, that you told me you could never have? That was us, wasn't it?" He questioned, he needed, he had to be sure. Cas looked back at the floor, inhaled and looked at Dean's eyes, "Yes. Please- if. Dean if you don't feel it in the way I do. It's ok, I have made my peace with it. I know how you see me. I know we're.. that our bond.. we're family, and knowing you, it is enough." He told him, his eyes looked so content, he gave Dean a weak smile and it made Dean furious.
He let go of Cas' arm and pushed his hands through his hair, stepping back from the angel. He felt his hands shake but he needed to speak. No more letting Cas think this was one sided. No more denying himself his happiness, "No."
He turned around and stared right at Cas' confused face. "No?" Cas questioned. "No, you don't. You don't know how I see you, Cas. Clearly." He said, determination in his stride as he stepped back towards Cas, heart beating a mile a minute. Cas was gripping the map table with his hand and searching Dean's gaze for answers. "No, because that thing. You and me?" He gestured and looked right at Cas, placing his hand on his. "You can have it, Castiel. You can have it, because-" Breathe. He shut his eyes, gently intertwining his fingers with Cas', and meeting the angel's eyes again, "You've always- you have always had me. I love you, Cas, with every bit of my soul." Cas' palm was sweating, he was staring at Dean with wide eyes, trying to find words, darting back and forth. If he looked at Dean's soul now, he would find longing and relief.
"I've loved you before I really knew what to call it." He gave Cas a soft smile, finally- the truth. Cas' mouth was slightly agape, the hint of a smile on his face. A genuine smile. Both of them had never imagined they would say this. This was a dream they would wake up from and yearn for it to be real. It was what they would daydream about in diners and on long drives. It was never reality. A tear slipped down Cas' cheek as he looked at Dean, "Dean, I'm sorry- I just. I didn't think you would ever-"
"Don't cry, angel." He wiped Cas' cheek and nodded, understanding what Cas was feeling, "You didn't think I felt the same, and you know, I wasn't sure you could even love me like that. I guess we really are dumbasses." Cas laughed a light chuckle at that, eyes glinting like the night sky. Dean's stomach did a flip. "Yes, Dean. You may be right about that this time."
He smiled fondly. The smile he kept for only the other that reached his eyes, and stroked his thumb on Cas' cheek. Be bold, he told himself. He'd never had trouble doing so before. But Cas was different. He tilted Cas' face with his hand, trying to ask without saying. Nothing had ever felt like this before. Can I kiss you?
Maybe their souls were connected, Dean had always thought so- right from when Cas had healed his soul and carried it in his arms from hell- because it seemed Cas knew exactly what he was asking and nodded. "Yes" he said quietly, and the asshole was giving Dean the softest look. "You may." Dean narrowed his eyes and squinted at Cas, "Cas. Did you just read my mind?" He asked, attempting to sound somewhat irritated. Could angel's do that?
"No, Dean. I think your eyes just give away more than you intend." Cas was almost laughing. "Wow.", Dean raised his eyebrows and almost protested, but he saw how Cas was looking at him and shut up.
Cas placed his hand atop of Dean's on his cheek, sighing as Dean's lips met his. Nothing, Cas thought- in all the universe- had a chance at beating this. It was soft and longing all at once. It was disbelief and love and a far off dream that he realised he could actually have. The idea was overwhelming. He placed his other hand lightly on Dean's chest and Dean's fingers wound through his hair.
Cas had always felt 'too much', even before he had rebelled and fallen. But it seemed that Dean loved him for all the reasons that heaven despised him. All the emotion and the curiosity that he could never push down for long. Maybe, he thought, he had never been a failure after all. Perhaps like Dean, he just needed someone to see him and accept what they saw. See it all and understand. Love.
They pulled apart, foreheads meeting as they took a moment to process, breathing deeply and Cas was worried his face would hurt with how much he could feel himself beam. So this was peace. Dean was still threading his fingers through Cas' hair, an equal happiness radiating from his soul. Cas closed his eyes and moved a hand round Dean's waist, embracing the righteous man and burying his face in his shoulder as Dean held him tight, "I love you."
- - - -
Day was brushed with ink as night fell. The first night with Cas back, the first in a while that Dean wouldn't be having liquor as his company and he was making the most of it. He had brought Cas into the bunker library, and dropped the needle on a record player. Turns out Cas was very willing to try out dancing with Dean as a partner.
Dean couldn't recall feeling nearly this calm or happy for a very, very long time.
They were slow dancing, Cas' head on his shoulder, his eyes shut and at ease. Cas deserved this, they deserved this, after everything. Heaven, hell, purgatory, god himself. Cas raised his head, looking at him. Dean averted his eyes, smiling because what he now recognised as love was so clear. How had he not seen it before?
He made himself meet Cas' gaze and laid a hand on his cheek. "Dean" Cas said, sounding so happy, as if Dean wasn't the one who should be feeling privileged right now. Cas tilted his head in thought, and Dean knew he was pondering something. "You know I never- I haven't said it yet but thank you. You saved me, many times." He said it so sincerely, as Cas did, "If our paths hadn't crossed, I- I'm not sure what would have become of me. I wasn't even meant to feel, but look at me- this is because of you." He said, with a pointed look at Dean.
"Cas, you sure know how to talk to a man." He chuckled, too aware of his face feeling warm. He was discovering that Cas was quite the romantic, and it was catching Dean off guard. "I- just. I gotta say something, ok? I'm not the best with words, but you deserve to hear it. So I'll try." Cas nodded and placed his hand back on Dean's waist, "Of course, Dean."
"I know- for a long time you probably thought all we- all I wanted you here for was you being an angel and I don't blame you- I acted like it many times." He hoped Cas could read the apology in his eyes, "I hope you can see now I don't care. Grace or not, wouldn't matter." Cas gave him a small now of understanding, listening still, a soft and focused expression on his face.
"And you know just-" He knew he was wandering off track but after more than a decade, could he be blamed? There was so much to say, so many things that his thoughts felt like a crowd of people rushing to be first in line. "Before you saved me- I hadn't considered I could have a peaceful life, I thought I'd be gone soon. Probably by fourty at most-" He said, honest and open, as Cas had been with him. "-and if it wasn't on a hunt, it would be from a deal I'd made. That was ok to me, it was just how it was. It had to be ok for me."
Cas' eyes narrowed and he squeezed Dean's waist in quiet reassurance. "Then when I did just that and made a deal- you saved me. You stayed and as time passed, I guess you helped me see I was worth- more. I can have my own future. It's not set, never was, but I couldn't see that. My job has always been Sam, it was take care of sam and keep your head down." Cas intertwined his fingers with Dean's and laid them on his chest, rubbing a thumb over them. "I guess what I'm saying is I see now I deserve to make my own way, too. And hey, maybe I'm not so bad after all. You showed me that." His voice hitched, "You never stopped saving me. God Cas, I love you so much." He smiled at Cas, eyes full of thankfulness, caressing his face. Cas has always seen Dean, he had seen Dean's soul in his most troubled days and always returned. Always come back to him. Even his mother had left him. But not Cas.
Cas was smiling at him as wide as when the empty had pulled him away. But this time there were no cosmic consequences. Dean moved his other hand to cup Cas' face and placed another kiss on his lips. Cas' hand left his chest, carding through Dean's hair, so gentle and loving. Cas kissed Dean like he was something to behold, something to care for and keep safe and it melted his heart just that bit more.
"Dean" he whispered when they pulled apart, foreheads meeting. "I love you, Dean. I love you. I love you" Cas' hand never leaving Dean's face, looking at him. How did he get so lucky? "And I you, angel." The music moved on to another melody and they yet again moved to dance. Dean twirled Cas around, his laugh making Dean's chest feel warm.
A slow song gave Cas the chance to dip Dean low like in the movies, smirking and it gave him- 41 year old Dean- an abundance of butterflies. That son of a bitch. But he couldn't lie, he'd let Cas do it a million times more. "You know", Cas began, "There was something Sam told me earlier" Dean raised his eyebrows, "Yea, about what?" He questioned, ready to put salt in Sam's next glass of water if needs be.
"Yes. When I was making you coffee before our movie, I reached up and I assume he saw my inside pocket because-" Cas opened his trench coat and gestured with one hand, "He saw your gift." Dean's eyes widened as his eyes fell on the mixtape he made for Cas- he had never told Sam- but all that came out of his mouth was, "You keep it with you?" Despite all that they had been through, it was gestures like this that meant a lot to him. Especially since Cas didn't- hadn't?- known the true significance of the gift.
"Of course I do, Dean. You did say gifts were for keeping, after all" He reminded him, raising his eyebrows. Dean attempted to hide his blush, feeling flustered all of a sudden, "I did, yea I did say that.." He coughed, "Anyway, Sam?" He pushed on. "Yes, Sam. You see I didn't know what it ah- meant and, well, he seemed awfully excited and said he had something to tell me-" Cas trailed off, and was he? Yes, now Cas was blushing.
"Well?" Dean, who had just professed his love mere hours ago, panicked. "He said it was a gift those with, um, with a romantic intention would gift to each other." Cas looked a combination of embarrassed and endeared right now, eyes darting to just past Dean's shoulder, and Dean was about to burst. "You were- all the way back then- expressing your love?" He asked, and god help Dean, Cas was grinning again.
"Yea I- I mean yea I was genius. I've been in love with you. Happy?" He blurted. "Well. Yes, Dean. I would say I am." Cas replied, eyes bright and a glint in his eyes. "Although, it does make me wish I'd discovered so earlier." Dean raised his eyebrows for what wasn't the first time that night. Smug bastard. He twirled Cas around as a jazz song came on, dancing with him until the record had come to an end. Cas reached up and kissed his cheek as Dean yawned. It had been quite the day, he would watch over Dean now.
He tugged his hand and began to walk them towards the bedrooms. He moved to walk to his own as they entered the hallway, when he felt Dean's hand tug him back and turned to look at him. "Come." Dean said, "Stay with me" His tired eyes looked so peaceful and soft that even had Cas wished too, he could never say no. Although it made him feel nerves all of a sudden, he let Dean's hand lead him.
They made their way to Dean's room, hand in hand, swaying their arms lightly and sharing jokes as they walked down the corridors of the bunker. From his own room, Sam smiled as he heard them pass and texted Eileen goodnight. He'd be moving in with her soon, but it was nice to be here to see his brother and friend finally be happy.
Dean pushed his door open, letting go of Cas' hand to go rifling through his drawers, "Alright Cas." He said, looking him up and down, "You can't relax in that so-" He tossed Cas a t-shirt and his hot dog pyjama bottoms. "But Dean, you know I won't really be sleepi-" Dean didn't let him finish, "Yea, but you'll be lying in my bed and I can't say I won't snuggle, Cas, so- pyjamas." Cas blushed and looked mildy awkward, "In-" He glanced at the armchair, the bed and then back at Dean, "With you- lying in-" He stumbled over the words. God he was as adorable as he was powerful, "Yea, Cas. That's what- you know- what couples do." Dean fumbled. Cas' mouth made an 'o'. "So are we.."
"Well, Castiel. If you'll have me." Dean took Cas' hand as if he were a prince asking someone to dance, then as dramatically as he could asked, "Will you be my boyfriend?" Maybe it was the exhaustion of the day, but Dean felt too playful to feel nervous. "Oh. Yes, of course. Your boyfriend." Cas was making that face, the one when he was feeling particularly happy and couldn't care to hide it.
Dean felt a flutter and kissed Cas' cheek, "My boyfriend is so handsome." He teased, receiving a slight push from Cas in return. "Dean. Get into bed." Rolling his eyes, Dean put his hands up and complied. "Ok, Cas."
Cas went to the bathroom to change as Dean settled in. And didn't this feel like a dream. A whole night, maybe tomorrow- perhaps forever- with Cas beside him at night. Cas to wake up too in the mornings. He couldn't wait to wake up to see how messy Cas' hair would be, if he'd want to lay in bed for hours after Dean woke up or if he'd want to get up, he might even get to hear a 'Good morning, Dean' in Cas' morning voice.
When Cas came out of the bathroom he could've sworn Dean took an intake of breath, as sleepy as he was and as silly as Cas felt in these clothes. "Dean, I look ridiculous." he protested, but Dean just blinked sleepily. "Nah, you're adorable, c'mere sunshine."
He padded over and tentatively laid beside Dean, sighing in contentment as Dean laid his head on his chest. Beautiful. Gazing down at him, Cas almost couldn't believe this was all real. But it was- it was real, he could have it. He could have Dean's love. Not even God had been able to stop it. Dean buried his face into Cas' neck, "I love you" he whispered, drifting into sleep with all resignation gone. It would always make Cas' heart skip a beat. "I love you too, Dean" he replied, kissing his head as he drifted into sleep.