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When Krystal was a senior in high school, she brought her sister for the senior class Mothers’ Brunch. At the Soo Man School of Performing Arts, there were four big events put on by the senior class, for the senior class, with the intention of making the class more exclusive from the underclassmen. These pointless events were the Mothers’ Brunch, the Fathers’ Luncheon, the Senior Showcase, and the final Awards Ceremony.
For Krystal Jung, the Fathers’ Luncheon had been awful. For starters, it was on her eighteenth birthday. She had actually decided to skip school that day entirely, but for whatever reason, the one time people remembered her birthday, she had been trying her best to be forgotten completely. It was such a pain thinking up an excuse for missing an entire day of school and showing up the next day, completely free from illness and injury. The lady in the attendance office was convinced that although Krystal's sister was currently acting as her legal guardian slash emergency contact, Jessica Jung was not suited to sign off notes to excuse Krystal from being late or absent. The world was so cruel to the innocent.
As she sat at the lunch table, decorated with a white table cloth, perhaps made from just an old sheet, Krystal pondered which situation was truly more pathetic: Sitting at the table alone waiting for her sister while all her friends sat together with their moms chatting amiably amongst one another, or sitting alone at home while her sister worked and all her friends sat together with their dads talking together. Smoothing a wrinkle from the white surface, Krystal decided it did not matter, because whether it was discussing future vacation plans with dads or gossiping about acts at the upcoming Showcase with moms, she was still sitting alone at that moment.
Krystal squinted at the hot sun of the late spring and early summer morning. She bounced her knee under the table, poking new holes into the grass with the heel of her shoe. She moved her head from where her cheek rested upon her hand so that her chin rested on the back of her hand, so her makeup would not be ruined. With the other hand, Krystal took a piece of her muffin from the paper plate in front of her and placed it in her mouth, careful not to let any of the crumbs fall onto her white pants. This morning Krystal had awoken and known the day was going to be terrible. The most important days are always the worst, she had thought. The day is already going to blow. Might as well dress to kill.
Krystal turned her gaze to glance to see what was taking Jessica so long, but she could not see very far without turning her whole head and changing her position again. She finally spotted Jessica returning from the buffet table with her paper plate of assorted fruits and cheeses. Jessica stepped daintily across the lawn, trying not to sink through the grass with her heels as she walked, smiling and exchanging formalities with a few passing people she recognized. Krystal bounced both knees under the table and continued to wait, staring blankly from afar at the different people her sister greeted.
Jessica got along well enough with the parents of Krystal's friends, but due to the simple fact that Jessica was technically of the same generation as Krystal and her friends, Jessica could never be a part of the parents’ circle of friends. Krystal was always aware of this, not that she minded. However, it was inevitably disappointing to watch any normal conversation of Jessica’s turn into one recapping her graceful drop out of Entertainment College very shortly after the year began. She had left and started her own small business in order to support Krystal, and somehow people always seemed to forget that now Jessica was the CEO of said growing business. These show biz moms only heard what they wanted to hear, remembered what they wanted to remember. It was painfully awkward, but Krystal still did not mind. She knew Jessica did not mind either. Jessica’s graceful dropout was a story they were both far more willing to recount than the story of their parents’ elegant waltz out of both their lives.
Jessica set her plate onto the table across from her younger sister. Her phone began buzzing. She glanced at the caller ID, only to promptly decline the call before setting her phone face down on the white table cloth. Jessica tossed her long auburn hair over her shoulder and smirked. “It’s funny how they bring in ritzy breads and cheeses and shit, and then give us paper plates and plastic sporks to eat them with. When I went here, we just used to potluck the lunches.”
Krystal settled her inattentive daze and focused on her sister before her. Krystal sat back in her folding chair, making it creak. “Yeah, well. What do you expect? A bunch of rich parents come over, so the school has to provide food that suits their palate, but ultimately it’s just a half-heartedly funded event now. Administration doesn’t give any real shits anymore.”
“Oh, I’m not complaining. It’s just interesting.” Jessica crossed her legs under the table. “You’ll never guess who I ran into at the buffet,” she said, unfolding her paper napkin onto her lap. She poked at a piece of cheese with her plastic fork.
Krystal stole a strawberry off her sister’s plate. “Who?” She said, juice dripping at the corners of her mouth. It was a good thing they were not sitting by any of the other kids in her class or their mothers. Krystal didn’t know if she could keep up appearances for so many people.
“I was talking to Mrs. Lee, you know, Taemin’s mom. I haven’t seen her since she had that wrist surgery a while back. She’s looking good.” Mrs. Lee was a pianist who had taught Krystal and Jessica when they were much younger, before either of them entered the Soo Man School of Performing Arts. There was also a time when Krystal had fallen madly in love with her son. It was a disgusting memory.
“Really? I haven’t really seen her either.”
“And Taemin’s looking really good, too. What happened to that twig with the bowl cut? You didn’t tell me he was cute now.”
“I didn’t think a random kid from my class was what you wanted to hear about at the dinner table. Didn’t think high school gossip was your scene.”
“Oh come on, where else am I supposed to stay updated on the latest trash?”
Krystal shrugged. It was true, their mother, a socialite, and previously very active in the school community, knew all the dirtiest details about everybody’s business. Krystal had liked to listen to her mother’s gossipy tales, but it took too much energy to go out and dig them up herself. Krystal’s mind began to drift, but she was pulled back to reality as Jessica fluttered her fingers toward someone off to the side, a little bit behind Krystal. Krystal turned to look at who her sister was waving at. It was Taemin and his mom.
Mrs. Lee wore a dark blue and green dress, her darkening hair in a swift updo. Taemin wore a light blue dress shirt and a tie that matched his mother’s dress. Krystal thought Mrs. Lee looked the same as she had years ago, when Krystal still took lessons from her. She was still small and sweet. “It was so nice catching up with you, Jessica,” Mrs. Lee said, approaching Krystal and Jessica’s table. “Krystal, you look very pretty today.” Taemin just lingered behind his mother.
“Thank you.” Krystal smiled politely at the compliment, the corners of her mouth turning upward amiably. She was actually quite pleased to receive it, considering the effort she had put into her appearance this morning, but she kept this satisfaction to herself. She glanced at Taemin, but he was looking across the lawn toward another table. Krystal glimpsed in the same direction, as her sister spoke again.
“Would you like to sit with us,” Jessica began to offer. “We have plenty of room here.”
Mrs. Lee smiled back graciously. “Oh thank you, but we have some others waiting for us. I’m sure we could make room for you girls. Why don’t you come sit with us?”
Before Jessica could accept, Krystal replied, “That’s okay, Mrs. Lee. You don’t have to do that for us, but thank you. It’s good to see you though.” Krystal smiled politely, looking back and forth from mother to son. Taemin turned his attention to the conversation and quirked his brow at Krystal’s quick response.
“Well if you’re sure. It was good to see you girls, too. Give my best to your mother.” Krystal was sure that Mrs. Lee's response was a mere lapse of memory or polite habit. The girls waved to Mrs. Lee as she and her son left their table.
When they had left, Jessica pouted before biting into a strawberry. “What was that about? Why didn’t you want to go sit with them?”
Krystal shrugged. “Dunno. Not feeling people right now. Rather spend some quality time with you.” Jessica rolled her eyes.
Krystal knew the people waiting for Taemin and his mom were Naeun and her mother. Naeun was Taemin’s girlfriend. Krystal already knew it was weird she invited her sister to the Mothers’ Brunch, she did not need to further incriminate herself by making her family a third wheel.
It was not that Krystal still had feelings for Taemin. That was history that nobody needed to know, including him. She would take that little part of her past to her grave. It was still weird. Krystal and Taemin were friends, but if someone was to put their relationship up against a dictionary, they might begin to wonder. For one thing, friends hang out. Taemin and Krystal did not hang out outside of classes. Friends had each other’s back. Taemin and Krystal were both the bluntly honest, “you’re on your own” type and kept mostly to themselves. Really the only reasons one could consider them friends were that they had been in the same class for six or seven years in a row, and Taemin’s mom was Krystal’s old piano teacher.
Even so, there was something. There was one thing they had in common. It was well known Taemin was a bit of a piano prodigy when he was young. He came from a family of pianists. Everybody at the school expected him to become a great pianist and carry on the “family legacy.” There was one afternoon when Krystal and Taemin were finishing the eighth grade, they both were waiting late for their parents to pick them up from school. They both slouched in silence on a bench on the sidewalk by the parking lot, their legs stretched out in front of them. Krystal’s tennis shoes were red with dirt from the school’s track, the strap of her heavy gym bag was loose on her shoulder, as it rested on the bench beside her. Her arms were crossed over her oversized gym uniform, which was uncomfortable in the summer heat. Taemin’s hair was combed back, and he was wearing a tie. His hand came up to tug on it, before it fell to his lap again. In the other hand, he held a folder of sheet music. He fanned himself once with the folder, before using the other hand to tug on his tie again. He must have been on his way to a performance. The two pairs of hazy, brown eyes stared into the distance and did not waver.
Taemin’s eyes were still fixed on his spot on the horizon, when he had said, “I don’t even really like playing the piano.”
Krystal did not know what to say to that. She sat still, breaking her faraway gaze to glance back and forth at their feet. She had known Taemin for years as her piano teacher’s kid, but she did not particularly care whether or not he actually played. She had always seen certificates and awards, and pictures of the people in his family who had won those awards, all over his house when she had gone for her lessons years before. Many of those things belonged to Taemin. Krystal was surprised by this sudden moment, surprised that he spoke to her as his confidant. She looked over at him, but still did not know what she was supposed to say. His face was a little red from the heat, but it was neither angry nor frustrated. He was calm, as if stating a fact about how it was hot that day.
After some silence, Taemin broke his gaze from the horizon. He turned toward Krystal, and their brown eyes met. He spoke again, “Ah, sorry. I thought you might get what I mean, but I guess it was kinda weird. It’s not that I hate playing. I guess I’m just tired of being expected to do well when I don’t really want to in the first place.” A car was pulling into the parking lot. He stood. “You’re going to SM next year, right?” The car pulled up to the curb.
Krystal nodded.
“I guess I’ll see you around then.”
Krystal remembered how she didn’t say anything as he got into the car and left. She didn’t say anything sitting on that bench. She wondered as she sat by herself, how was she supposed to say Yes, I do understand. She more than understood what he said, she related to it. That was the year Jessica was graduating. Everyone was so sure she was going to win the grandest award at the Senior Awards Ceremony in a week. She had already caused a huge splash at the Senior Showcase two weeks prior. Jessica was a great pianist, but she was an even better singer. She was the talk of the town before the number Jessica and Krystal’s parents pulled. Everyone knew that if only one person in that school could make it big, it would have been Jessica Jung. Those were huge shoes for Krystal to fill, to say the least. Where did she begin?
Krystal remembered that hot early summer afternoon on the bench as the start of her one-sided love for Taemin. That afternoon he went from just a kid in her class to someone else who knew what it was like to be trapped by their own life. She only wished she had known what to say at the time.
The buzzing of Jessica ’s phone on the table brought Krystal back to the present. Jessica quickly checked it and declined the call, placing face down on the table again. She stabbed into another strawberry with her fork.
“Who was that?” Krystal asked, curious as to why Jessica ignored the call so quickly.
“It’s nothing important,” said Jessica, resting both elbows on the table and smiling at Krystal.
“If you have to go, you can, really. I won’t mind, I know you’re busy. Don’t have to kill yourself later because you’re here now.”
“No…” Jessica’s smile faded, and she hesitated, as if she were pondering something. “No, it isn’t work. I told them I would be gone today, and only to call if it was really super important. It’s really nobody important.”
Krystal raised an eyebrow, but decided to dismiss Jessica’s odd behavior. Instead of asking more questions, she bit into her last strawberry.
Jessica dropped her elbows from the table and poked at another piece of cheese. “Are you done already?” The corners of her mouth turned upward again.
Krystal puckered her lips. “Actually, I’m thinking about seconds.” She stood, struggling to push back her folding chair through the grass.
“Good luck, I’m sure all the good stuff is gone by now,” Jessica called after her.
When Krystal got to the buffet, she found her sister was not wrong. Most of the cheese was starting to shine from the sitting oils, all that was left of the fruit was deformed or bruised, and the breads and pastries were in crumbs and pieces. Krystal circled the table once, then twice, trying to pick her poison. She finally decided on a partially intact muffin. She noticed the soft padding of footsteps on grass and the gentle jingle of metal bracelets behind her.
“Oh no, I see you grabbed the last good thing on the table,” Naeun joked behind Krystal.
Krystal turned. She felt less hungry the longer she looked at the small muffin on her plate. “You can have it if you want,” she said, offering her plate to Naeun.
“You didn’t have to do that, but thanks,” Naeun said, taking the plate. Krystal made to leave the table, but Naeun spoke again, “I saw your sister on the way over here. She’s looking well.”
“Ah, thanks. I’ll tell her you said that.” Krystal suddenly felt an even greater urge to leave.
“Yeah, how is she doing?”
Krystal hesitated. She liked Naeun. They were friends. How could they not be, with the size of their school? Everybody was friends. Krystal had always been a good judge of character, but Naeun was one of the few people Krystal could not read at all. Naeun’s main study was thespian arts, like improv and acting, and she was good at it. Krystal chose her words carefully, “She’s really busy with work, but like you said. She’s doing well.”
“That’s good.” Naeun picked up a small strawberry and briefly inspected it. “So has she been doing any music stuff recently?”
“Like I said, she’s pretty busy.” Naeun seemed genuinely curious, but her genuine curiosity made Krystal uncomfortable.
“You know, her performance at her Senior Showcase left a huge impression on me.” Naeun laughed sheepishly, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Her bracelets clinked together and glittered in the sun, complementing her brown curls. “It was really amazing.”
Krystal forced a laugh, too, unsure of what she was supposed to say to that. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Naeun was between Krystal and the way to Krystal’s table.
“You’re so lucky to have such a talented sister. I mean, you’re both so talented, you’re like at the top in all of your classes.” Her gaze was so earnest.
“Oh no, I’m not that great. I just try my best,” Krystal lied. At the Soo Man School of Performing Arts, outside of academics, everyone took a little of everything: Acting, singing, dancing. Nobody was willing to admit they were truly a one-trick pony. Krystal would admit she was no different. She would not admit, however, that she was indeed doing very well in every class. Krystal didn’t know what she wanted to do, so she did everything— theater, voice, dance— a bit of it all. She just happened to be good at everything. She had to keep her options open; her rank was not something kept at the forefront of her mind.
“Sure, fair enough.” Naeun said, smiled knowingly. “So what are your plans for the Showcase? I happened to see your name on the list.”
“Oh yeah,” Krystal said, stepping over herself, crossing her legs, and positioning herself further from the buffet table. “I’m doing some stuff with Sulli and Amber. We’re still working on it though.” Truthfully, Krystal was thinking about dropping out of the lineup. The three of them had only signed up because early during the week applications were open, a mutual friend of theirs who was helping organizing the event said there were a lot empty time slots. A bunch of last minute applications were submitted right after Krystal and her friends agreed to join, so Krystal’s group did not really need to participate anymore. Krystal had rolled her eyes when she had found out, because it was ridiculous how everyone was always so eager to please on stage, but also so unwilling have their anticipation displayed on a paper application for everyone to see.
“I guess I should look forward to it then.”
“Yeah,” Krystal agreed, deciding it was a good time to end the conversation. Finally beginning to walk back to her sister’s table, she said, “I should get back now. I’ll tell Jessica you said hi.”
“Totally, didn’t mean to keep you,” Naeun said, stepping back to the buffet table, and waving Krystal off. “Talk to you later.”
Krystal hurried best as she could across the lawn in her heels, back to her sister typing something into her phone.
“What happened, I thought you were getting seconds?”
Krystal looked at her sister, the corners of her mouth set in a wide line, lips pursed, and her eyes impassive.
Jessica raised a brow in mild exasperation at Krystal’s expression. “This is why you don’t get boys.”
Krystal removed her expression and rolled her eyes. “Whatever. Who is that?” She asked, nodding at Jessica’s phone. It seemed like it had been buzzing all morning.
Jessica smiled at Krystal apologetically. Krystal’s face fell. Jessica’s expression reminded Krystal of their mother’s when their mother had told Krystal that both she and their father would be late for her eighth grade graduation. Neither of them had shown up at all, but instead left a card on her dresser along with the first of many meaningless checks. Krystal knew Jessica was busy. She kind of had a feeling this would happen, but she had hoped it would not. Such is the life of the incredibly successful. She sighed dramatically, “Go.”
“I’m sorry, I even told you they wouldn’t contact me unless it was an emergency. This time it’s actually important, I’m really sorry, Krys.”
“Yeah yeah. This is why we can’t have nice things.”
“I’m really really really sorry,” Jessica said, standing and gathering her things. “I’ll make it up to you, I’ll pick up dinner on my way home tonight. What do you want?”
“I’m kind of in the mood for Chinese.”
Jessica slung her purse over her shoulder. “McDonald’s, got it. Okay, bye! I love you! I’ll try not to stay late, I’m sorry!” Jessica blew a kiss to her sister, and hurried across the lawn to the parking lot, leaving Krystal at the table, rolling her eyes and smirking.
Krystal sat at her table by herself silently. She rested her head on her hand, and she was still except the bouncing of her leg again. After a few minutes, she decided to sit in the school’s small library until the end of the Brunch. Seniors got to skip several classes for the Mothers’ Brunch, but classes would resume eventually. Since it was Friday, Krystal only had her academic classes left in the afternoon. Krystal and her friends would probably need to make time after school to work on their Showcase project if they wanted to finish it in time to perform in just a couple of weeks. She was not really concerned.
The bell rang, indicating the start of lunch period for the rest of the school. The Brunch was over. Krystal sat on one of the library’s ugly, uncomfortable couches, and she just waited for the twenty-five minute period to be over. The rough upholstery was itchy in the summer heat. Krystal tried to think of ideas for the Showcase, but she gave up and stared at the books that remained untouched on the shelves until the bell rang.
For the rest of the day, Krystal barely paid attention to any of her teachers’ lectures. She made plans to work on the project with her friends Amber and Sulli after school. In one of her classes, Taemin had said to her he was surprised Jessica came. With a laugh, joked his mom wouldn’t stop talking about her. A few others in class mentioned Jessica , too. Krystal felt like the day dragged on and on. She drifted through the rest of her classes, and then the day ended like any other.
***
When Krystal got home that afternoon, she went upstairs to her room to change out of her nice clothes and into pajama shorts and a T-shirt. She tied up her long dark hair, then she went down to the kitchen to find a snack. Her friends would be over in an hour or so, and she had time to kill. She reached into the refrigerator and grabbed the carton of milk on the top shelf. She took a swig before replacing it and closing the door. Opening the pantry, her eyes idled over their dried goods. There was never anything good to eat.
Krystal finally decided on a bag of spicy potato chips, and nudging the tall pantry door shut with her ankle, she padded into the front room to watch television. She clicked on the TV, found something mindless, and tossed the remote control off to the side. The Kardashians bickered from the television, and although Krystal found them severely annoying, she could not help but feel hypocritical every time she judged their dysfunctional family life. With one hand, she reached into the bag of chips. With the other, she pulled her cell phone from her back pocket and completely ignored the television. She scrolled all the way through her Instagram feed, switched to Twitter, and back to Instagram. There was nothing particularly interesting, just a bunch of pictures of her classmates and their mothers at the Brunch. The second time she refreshed her Instagram feed, a picture that Naeun had just posted with her mom appeared at the top. Krystal put her phone away, face down on the coffee table in front of her. She lay down, stretching her legs out across the couch, the tips of her toes tapping at the arm rest on the other side.
Krystal was almost asleep, when the doorbell rang. Dazed, she checked her phone for the time, then looked out the window of the front room. She inwardly groaned. The doorbell rang again. Krystal got up from the couch to answer it. Rubbing the kink in her neck, Krystal trudged to the door. When she opened it, she found Sulli, who was cradling a binder and her laptop in one arm, the other outstretched, her finger poised on the doorbell. She was still wearing the same outfit she had worn to the Brunch at school, a deep purple dress paired with tall black platforms that accentuated her already long lines. Her single braid fell over her shoulder to rest at the crook of her elbow where she held her belongings.
“Oh, hey, you weren't answering, so I was just about to call.”
“Yeah sorry, I fell asleep watching TV.” Krystal liked Sulli, but sometimes the girl annoyed the actual crap out of her. She was always very punctual, and she needed to have everything go exactly according to plan at all times. Krystal supposed she should probably be more like Sulli, putting more care into refining her actions, but she had always felt like life ran more fluently with the roughness of spontaneity. Krystal found it odd someone so straight-laced could be so good at acting, which often rode on improvisation and quick wits. She supposed Sulli's pragmatic thought processing must have helped with memorizing lines or whatever. “Come on in,” Krystal said and made way for her friend.
“Where's Amber?”
“Not here yet.” Krystal picked up the remote to turn off the television, but she changed her mind and just moved the remote to the coffee table. She was not quite sharp enough to allot all of her attention to one person yet. She picked up the bag of chips, “Want any chips?”
“I'm good, thanks.”
“’Kay.” Krystal shoved three more chips into her mouth. As she set the bag back on the table, there was knocking at the door.
“Must be Amber,” Sulli said, perched on the ottoman that sat in front of the corner easy chair. She propped open her laptop, which she balanced atop her tall knees. Krystal shuffled to the door again.
“Yo,” Amber greeted, when Krystal opened the door. She was dressed similarly to Krystal, and her short, bleached hair was messy like she had been sleeping for a while as well. Sulli started typing madly in the background, and Krystal and Amber glance over at her from the door. “Am I late?”
“Nah,” Krystal said. She let Amber in and closed the door. They both plopped on the couch, when Sulli started speaking excitedly.
“So I was thinking, since we all have pretty different images, we could do something with that.”
“What.” Amber stared at Sulli, her hand frozen, mid-reach for the chips.
“Yeah, I gotta agree. What?” Krystal echoed. Sulli wasn't making any sense.
“Like how I'm the girly feminine type, and Krystal, you're cool and super chic, and Amber, you're pretty fierce and rebellious!”
“What,” Amber repeated.
“Aren't those pretty pretentious things to be saying about ourselves?” Krystal asked.
“I don't know, I was just rewatching the Cheetah Girls last night, and I got inspired by their diversity. I have no idea where I’m going.”
“Wait I thought you wanted to do like a dramatic reading from that book you were reading?”
Sulli threw her head back, making her long braid swish behind her. “Ugh, I did! But then I actually finished it. The scene I thought we could do was great, but it will never be the same for me after that ending. I will not promote such a disappointing read.”
“But I love promoting disappointment,” Amber drawled, munching on the chips. “But really, I didn't want to do the reading anyway, it sounded kind of weird.” Seeing Sulli’s annoyed expression, Amber continued, “I mean it could have been fun maybe, but probably not for something as big as the ‘Soo Man School of Performing Arts Senior Showcase’.” She made air quotes with her fingers. “You know everyone’s gonna be pulling out the big guns, so anything we can describe in a sentence is probably not appropriate for the event.”
Amber was right. Almost no one at the school cared about actually graduating. The biggest event at the school, by far, was the senior showcase. It was more than just a class event, tickets were reserved weeks to months in advance to the public. Small businesses and parents put ads in the program like you would in a yearbook. Despite her “fierce and rebellious” appearance, Amber was actually quite practical and hard-working. She was also secretly shy. Amber had applied to this school purely just to prove that she could get in. She had confessed to Krystal once, that she had no intention of actually going into the show business, because she could not deal with that kind of superficial pressure. For Amber, stage was just a hobby, a passion. Maybe that’s why Krystal was so drawn to Amber. She was jealous. Amber was so sure of what she wanted, had the prowess to get it on her own, and knew where her limits lay. Krystal had come to the school basically because she met the qualifications, and her sister had come before her. It had also helped her parents had been very influential patrons of the school, as well as good friends and colleagues with several members of the staff.
Krystal hummed. “As much as I think we could honestly just drop out, since they do have enough people, I think Amber’s right. It’s still kind of important we at least act like we’ve been planning for months.” The girls had really different schedules, so they found had found it difficult to find time to work on their performance at school. Most people who signed up for the Showcase knew what they would be doing long before applications were available. Since the girls did not originally plan on joining, they only had a few weeks to arrange their performance and practice it.
“What did you have in mind, Krystal?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m still good with whatever you both want to do.”
This was the problem with them. Krystal, Sulli, and Amber were all decisively indecisive. Sulli was mainly into drama, but she was enthusiastic about trying everything else. Amber was versatile, but her strongest talent was music theory and composition, and because she was actually shy, Amber was usually inclined to evade performing. Krystal was a bit of a jack of all trades, but horrifically indifferent in her preferences. The three of them could not compromise, not because they disagreed, but because none of them disagreed. They wasted hours trying to figure out what to do. By the time Sulli and Amber left Krystal’s house, the girls had about the same amount of material they had when they arrived.
After her friends had left, Krystal stood at the front door, leaving it ajar. She breathed in the fresh summer air. Putting forth so much futile effort had exhausted her. It was already approaching dinnertime, but it was still light outside. The sun had not even started to set. The telephone began ringing from inside. Krystal closed the door and walked to the kitchen and picked it up on the fourth ring. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me. Listen we need a raincheck on the Chinese.”
Krystal scoffed. “Something else come up at work? Are you gonna be late, because there is seriously nothing to eat here. I’m going to die!”
“Oh please. Actually, be ready to go in twenty minutes, Mrs. Lee invited us to dinner tonight. I’m leaving now.”
“She invited us to do what?
“Dinner! She wanted to catch up with her favorite old pupil. Me, that is, not you.”
“When did—”
“Shut up and just get dressed, I know you’re probably wearing something gross right now. I’m on my way. See you in twenty. Bye.” Jessica promptly ended the call.
Krystal admitted her fourteen or fifteen year old self— and although she could never admit it to even herself now— even her sixteen year old self would have been excited to go back to the Lees’ house as a guest instead of a piano student. Presently, Krystal found this profoundly uncomfortable. The day seemed like it was never going to end. Nevertheless, she went upstairs to change into something decent.
***
When Krystal stepped out from the passenger seat of Jessica’s car, the first thing she noticed was the faint sound of a piano. As she and her sister move up the walkway to the Lees’ front door, the sound grew stronger. The curtains were drawn in the front window, so Krystal could not see who was playing, but the precision annoyed her. When Jessica knocked, the playing stopped abruptly. A few moments later, the door opened.
“Hello,” Taemin greeted. He was wearing the same dress shirt he had been wearing at the Brunch, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and the tie discarded. Stepping aside, he let the Jung sisters indoors, holding the door open for them. His mother came out from the kitchen, still wearing an apron, fluttering at the sight of guests. Jessica offered to help with dinner, and Mrs. Lee gladly welcomed the company. Krystal and Taemin were left in the entryway.
“So. You sounded good just now.”
“Thanks. It’s something I dug up for the Showcase.”
This surprised Krystal. “I thought you were doing like a dance number?” Taemin’s height and haircut were not the only things that had changed during high school. In their second year, Taemin had weaned himself off the classical and contemporary music courses and added more dancing and acting classes. People began to know him as more than the piano boy. At the time, Krystal had been excited he would be taking more of the same classes as her. She was still glad for it, because having so many classes together helped Krystal and Taemin become less like vague acquaintances and more like casual friends. The fact he seemed to be suddenly going back to piano more than surprised Krystal. It confused her.
“Yeah, well, you know. I was going to, but then I decided I might do one more classical performance.”
“That’s cool I guess. I dunno, I feel like if it were me, I would want to show people something new, that they didn’t expect.” She paused, unsure if she should say the next thing that came to mind, but she continued anyway. “Besides, you’ve done tons of piano pieces.” Krystal felt she had to know the reason for his change of heart, or she might fall into hysterics not knowing.
Taemin seemed fine with it. He did not seem to notice the edge in Krystal’s voice. “I probably would have thought so too a while ago. I’ve just decided I have nothing to prove anymore. I’m good with whatever now. You understand, right?”
Krystal understood Taemin that day four years ago on the bench. She could identify with indifference. She did not understand where he stood now. Krystal began to wonder if that day in junior high even happened. Krystal often thought about her two and a half year— three if she wanted to be honest, and she did not— love for the person standing before her now. She guessed the good thing about having your heart broken is that at least you feel the pain. You know it's all real. Sometimes she had wished she had her heart broken, because once you've had your heart squeezed dry unknowingly by someone who was never committed to you in the first place, you start wondering if whatever connection you had was all in your head the whole time.
Krystal remembered her dramatic fifteen year old self being distraught from the feeling that she had been growing out of her long-term crush. She knew nothing had even happened, but sometimes he still felt like an old habit, which she doubted she gave up so easily. That secret love had been a constant in her buzzing world, even after it had been over. If her feelings from before were all built on false pretenses, who was to say their small, simple friendship was not imaginary as well? Krystal thought she watched Taemin grow into dance and out of piano, but maybe he grew out of the need for either and into the gratification of choosing to enjoy both. If that were true, Krystal did not know where she stood on her own spectrum of growth.
“Yeah,” she lied. “I get it.”
The rest of dinner went on without much of Krystal’s voice. She spoke when addressed, and smiled politely at the conversation carried out by Jessica and Taemin’s parents. Suddenly everything was on her mind. She wondered how everything, how people, how life could become so volatile. On the way home, she revealed a fraction of these thoughts to Jessica.
They halted their journey at a red light at the last intersection before their neighborhood. Jessica finally interjected Krystal’s ponderings. She turned to look at Krystal. “Well you know, four years ago, I was going to go off and be a singer. You remember. I mean, yeah, sometimes I still wish I could have done that. Like actually finish school, and sign with someone, get paid to do what I loved, but I’m happy now, too. Like, yeah, you could get lucky and have an opportunity slap you in the face like a fat wad of cash, but a lot of the time you gotta go out and reach for what you want. It sucks, but sometimes you just have to face your life head on and just decide something is going to happen, and if it doesn’t, just decide on the next thing.” She paused.
The light had turned green. Jessica eased forward and turned into their neighborhood. Krystal wordlessly looked out the window, watching as the sun fell behind the clouds in such a way that set the sky aflame. How was she supposed to reach for what she wanted, if she did not know what she wanted? Or what if there just was so much within her reach, but none of it was what she wanted. Krystal had been indifferent for so long. Did she know what she wanted?
Jessica started again, “When Mom and Dad decided to live their own lives, you know what I decided? I decided I wanted to live my own life, too, instead of living off whatever check they sent from the next country they were touring or whatever string they could pull for me with just a single phone call.”
This was the first time had explicitly heard Jessica’s take on their family’s situation. The day had been too long, and Krystal was tired. She finally spoke, tearing her gaze from the sky, directing it toward Jessica. “Is that why you never asked them to come back? Did you even ask them to stay?” Krystal’s words came out with anger and confusion, even surprising herself. Biting her lower lip, Jessica did not know what to say in response to her sister’s outburst. Krystal sat back in her seat again, allowing her head to roll toward the window again. She spoke more softly, “If they ever came back, would you regret what you decided?”
As Jessica turned onto their street, Krystal noticed the front porch lights illuminating their home. Jessica was silent. She slowed to an idle as they pulled into the driveway, puzzlement written across her face, Krystal’s question ignored.
It was barely dark, and Krystal did not remember leaving all the lights on. When realization struck, she gasped. “Jessica,” Krystal began, her voice wavering in uncertainty. Beside her, Jessica had parked the car, but she sat frozen in her seat. Her face was pale, her brow furrowed, and her lips parted. Jessica did not answer again, but her gaze remained locked on the house. This was the first time Krystal had seen her sister seem so confounded and at a loss. This was the first time Krystal had seen Jessica so unsure, so unlike the proactive pillar of success Krystal had made her sister out to be. It was like Jessica’s very presence had dissipated out of the car, leaving just a shadow of someone who only looked like the Jessica Krystal knew.
Krystal caught herself thinking, What should I do? What would Jessica normally do? Then she stopped. Jessica’s words flashed through her mind. What do I want?
“Let’s go.”
Jessica broke her intense gaze at the house and turned to finally look at Krystal. “Krys—” She began, with almost pleading eyes, searching for clarity.
“Let’s go. Get out of the car.” With new resolve, Krystal jumped out the passenger’s door and marched around to the driver’s side. She opened the door and pulled Jessica out of the vehicle. Dragging her sister limply by the hand, Krystal strode up the front path to her house. I guess it’s time I found out. She reached out for the front door’s handle and gripped it firmly. She did not waver.
Jessica squeezed Krystal’s hand, and Krystal looked back at her sister. Jessica’s gaze was no longer lost or troubled. Krystal saw herself. Maybe Jessica saw herself, too.
Krystal squeezed back. We can find out together.
Pushing the door open, Krystal found it was unlocked. The lights were on, and the house was warm.