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Sirius was nervous. In fact, he didn’t think he had been this nervous in a very, very long time.
He swiped his board ticket over the scanner, heart pounding in his chest for a moment as the light took a bright red colour. He thought that if his ticket would get declined right here and then, that he would murder to get on that damn plane.
Beep.
The light turned green, and he couldn’t even return the short smile the woman sitting next to the scanner gave him, because he was so relieved that he quickly continued outside.
For the five millionth time, he picked up his phone to look at the time. Well, he was telling himself that he was looking at the time, when really, he was waiting for a message.
It was rather idiotic of him, to wait for a message. It was already midnight here, in San Francisco, and he was barely expecting Remus to be awake that late, much less at three am.
Remus always seemed so tired these days.
At night on their daily face time call, he would already be in bed most times, cuddled into his blanket and eyes drooping dangerously close. Sirius had never had time to have a call at daytime. His job simply hadn’t given him the possibility. The job that he had thought was everything so many months ago.
When really, Remus had always been everything.
The screen lit up with a call, and his heart stopped beating.
”Don‘t scare me like that, you git. I thought Remus was calling me.“ James‘ small laugh on the other line calmed him from his initial shock.
”Git my ass. Remus doesn’t know a damn thing and he is fast asleep as we‘re talking. He‘s been super down the past few days, and I just want to tell him because he would be so excited, but I guess I do still keep my promises.“
”As you should“, Sirius grumbled, boarding the plane and giving the people standing at the entrance greeting the passengers a bigger smile as if that would make up for his rushed reaction to the other woman earlier. ”He can‘t know, because he‘ll get suspicious as to why I am visiting before I get my off days.“
”You mean that he would notice you actually quit your sodding job mere weeks before Christmas and then spent way too much money on a last minute plane ticket.“ ”Same thing, James. Same thing. He can‘t know, not when I‘m basically almost there already.“
”Sure. You got t minus twenty-nine hours before he wakes up at eight am for Christmas morning. You know the tradition.“ Sirius smiled, suddenly realising that that wasn’t even two full days, and that he would be there on Christmas morning, waking up besides Remus and being able to look into those unbearably cute and tired eyes.
”I think I should be able to manage that.“ Easy, he thought.
Well, he didn’t manage just that easily. One and a half hours into the what was supposed to be a five hour flight, the seatbelt lights turned on and multiple heads rose up.
Turbulences. Nothing too dramatic. Everyone should put the seat belts on for maximum safety.
Fifteen more minutes, and Sirius got a message from James (the dude really had a horrific sleep schedule) sending him a screenshot of news reports. There was a huge snow storm building up. Possibly a blizzard. Of course.
”It‘s nothing new“, James texted, as if that was any help at all. He had always tried to cheer him up, even if really it did nothing. Sirius had always appreciated it. He almost couldn’t find himself doing it right then. ”Fuck“, was all he sent back, and turned off his phone to not get sucked into googling or anything.
”Have you seen the news, young man?“, the older woman sitting next to him asked. She held an iPhone against his face that was seemingly twice the size of her fragile hand. Really?
”Yeah, yeah I have“, he mumbled and let his eyes wander over the seats, to the flight attendants talking in the far off corner. He closed his eyes and took a breath. He didn’t like flying.
-
”You don’t gotta be scared Pads, it‘s okay.“
They had just turned eighteen, and Remus had bought the plane tickets for them, to go to Hawaii for a short trip. He had worked for them all summer, Sirius now knew, and his heart had swelled so suddenly when Remus gave them to him that he wanted to kill his excitedly smiling boyfriend. With love. ”That‘s… you worked for that money all summer long, Re.“ Remus had smiled even more. ”Exactly.“
Remus had flown before, with his parents a few times, most times to England because that’s where he was from and his family still liked to visit. They had moved to the US when Remus was ten, because of a way better job opportunity for his dad.
Sirius had never flown before that. Mostly because his parents only went on vacation alone, if that’s what business trips were called. Sirius had never been much anywhere else than New York in his life before he was sixteen.
”I don’t know, I don’t trust it. It’s literally a huge ship-like colossal in the air?? Sounds suspicious, Moony.“
Remus was patient as they had found their seats, and combed his fingers through Sirius‘ hair just the way he knew he found relaxing. ”Your damn bike is a million times more likely to kill you than a few hours on this plane, you know that, don’t know.“ ”It’s the great unknown that scares me, baby“, he had joked, even though the glint in Remus‘ eyes told him that he knew it wasn’t as far off from the truth as he made it out to be.
There had been slight turbulence during some of the flight, Sirius still remembered it clear as day. Remus had had his ridiculously fluffy blanket with him because ”the AC in planes is brutal, Pads. Honestly.“ and he had draped it over them, lacing their fingers together under it and pressing a kiss to Sirius‘ temple.
”Did I ever tell you about that one time this kid next to me on the plane peed his pants in his sleep?“
It was a ridiculous story, and till the present day, Sirius had never found out if it was actually real or all made up. It was always hard to tell with Remus, he just had a gift of telling a story. ”And it was so awkward, because I was like do I say something? It was rather terrible, really. I felt so bad for him.“
Sirius had laughed, and closed his eyes, listening to the soft and quiet voice of his boyfriend slowly lulling him in.
-
Now, Sirius was alone, and his throat felt sore. Giving the air conditioning an evil look and missing a fuzzy blanket (or maybe, really, just the person that it belonged to), before he decided to look at his phone again.
Just when there was an announcement that they would have a controlled safety landing and break from the flight, for god knows how long. Sirius wanted to protest, but then again he really didn’t want to die. So he tucked his things back into his bag and slung it over his shoulder after the landing, exiting the plane.
”We just landed, yes. I think its Santa Fe. Yeah“, he sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead and looking around. There were many people, shuffling around with their luggage or looking either very annoyed or very scared. Sirius was more of the first.
”Fuck, that sucks man. I‘m sorry. At least you‘re safe though. That‘s what’s most important.“
When they hung up, it was almost half past three, which was due to a time zone change. He was only two hours away from Remus now, who wasn’t due to wake up until two and a half hours later.
Sirius sat down on one of the chairs facing the landing strips, looking at the lights of the airport outside. It was so dark there, that he was only met with his own reflection, staring back at him with bright eyes. Sirius felt lonely.
Outside, thick snow flakes had started falling from the sky, more and more with each second that passed.
Sirius had felt lonely for quite some time now, if he was being honest.
-
”What is this?“, Remus yawned, going through their mail. It was the week before his twenty-second birthday, and Sirius was making them breakfast. ”What do you mean?“, he asked, craning his neck around the kitchen isle to try and see the letter in question.
It had been from San Francisco. Well, not from San Francisco, but from the company there, the theatre company that Sirius had been obsessed with forever. That Remus and he had written an application for, along with the countless other applications, in hopes that he would be taken.
”Wow, that‘s- wow, um, Sirius. Oh my god.“
They had stared at each other for a long moment, and Sirius would often think back to it. Remus‘ eyes had been wide, and open, and the rays of a lazy morning sun had gotten caught in his hair, making it seem almost golden. There had been the split second in which Remus‘ gaze had flickered, but back then Sirius hadn’t noticed. There was always the possibility he had made it up in his mind afterwards.
And then Remus had smiled, widely, and thrown his arms around him in a swift motion, hugging him close. They had both started crying, out of joy, and Sirius thought afterwards, maybe because they were both scared and not admitting it.
They had made the decision consciously, both of them together, they had talked about the possibilities and outcomes, and they had considered Sirius‘ dream. They had cried during that too.
Sirius had left feeling heartbroken at the aspect of leaving his family, friends, his life with Remus in New York to pursue this dream, but he had also felt excited for this chance he was granted, insisted on taking it.
The excitement had lasted a year at most. Long distance relationships were tough on anyone, Sirius had thought he knew that going into one. He hadn’t.
His schedule was crazy, and he knew that Remus‘ was too, what with being at university and working in most of the time he had left. It was all the thought of working towards something that kept Sirius up on his feet. Working towards having more success at the theatre company so he could go back to New York and work there. He had stopped thinking about staying in San Francisco only half a year after arriving.
While the company looked glorious from the outside, they were not treated very well on the inside. Sirius felt like he was selling his soul and work to the devil every day and getting nothing back.
He came home after having to ignore his shitty partners remarks all day and fell into bed every time, reaching for his phone immediately.
”Hey, hey Re“, he would whisper, and Remus would adjust his phone and then smile. ”Hi, love. How was your day?“ And he would start to cry sometimes, because he tried so hard every day to still feel excited about his accomplishments, to remember why he had been so excited in the first place, and there was no one around him he felt comfortable enough with to talk about his sadness. About how his coworkers said the dumbest shit and it just annoyed him so much that it made him want to punch a wall.
And then, after Remus had just listened, he would tell him about the flowers he found on the sidewalk that day and how they remembered them of him, or the coffee that was way bitter and that would’ve been just right for him. Because it made Remus‘ eyes twinkle and his lips tug up.
There wasn’t only negatives about his life in San Francisco, of course. He made two friends at the company, Marlene and Dorcas, who were fierce and sometimes the only light in a long day of rehearsals. San Francisco was a beautiful city, and they would go clubbing and get wasted, and it was fun. But it wasn’t home. Sirius would come back from the club, drunk and a bit high, and he would lie down in bed and get off thinking about Remus finally being with him again.
-
Sirius turned his head and saw a woman rushing down the corridor he was in, hurrying towards something, or someone. Her hair and coat were slicked with a sheer layer of snow, matting her hair down and slowly melting. She wasn’t carrying any luggage, only a small purse slung around her shoulder that swung with every step she took.
Another woman, with a short blonde bob, who had been sitting near him on a similar seat to his, jumped up and met her halfway, laughter bubbling up in this quiet corner of the airport. Sirius looked at his phone again, met by a great big nothing mixed with blizzard warnings.
-
Sirius was shaking.
He hadn’t seen Remus since the time that he first left for San Francisco, three months ago. He had picked up some other hobbies, had gone out a few times, and he knew that Remus had done the same. But now it was December, and he was walking off the plane and into the airport, getting his luggage and suddenly being afraid that Remus would not love him as much, that it would be different.
The last few metres until he walked into the larger hall with families greeting each other, people hugging and crying, were absolute hell. And then he saw him.
Remus was wearing this big, poofy marshmallow jacket that he had never seen on him before, and that made him look absolutely adorable. He was wearing a pale blue beanie and Sirius wanted to scream because that was the exact same beanie he had worn on their first date and it had totally been done on purpose.
Sirius froze. Remus did too. And then Remus moved, and Sirius had no idea how but he was suddenly right in front of him, slamming into him full force. His arms immediately caught the other man like it was a natural instinct, pulling Remus against his chest. It felt like hugging a pillow, and then Remus‘ hands were against his cheeks and his eyes were searching all over his face as if he was taking in changes that had occurred with him not there.
His fingers tickled over the dark stubble, and he bent up to kiss it. Sirius let out a shaky breath. ”Beard?“, Remus smirked, not more than a breathy whisper, and Sirius broke and kissed him.
-
The women were hugging each other and didn’t seem to be planning on letting go any time soon, and Sirius closed his eyes to try and relax for a moment.
He went to see the board with all the flights. His was delayed for at least four hours from then. He bought a pretzel and an overpriced pack of cigarettes and went outside to smoke.
The clouds hung deep and the wind was sharp against his hands in the dark of the night. A car pulled up near him and two people left it, hugging close for a long moment and then letting go, one of them taking a suitcase and going past him into the airport, swiping their hand over their cheeks. Sirius took a deep drag of his cigarette.
-
”This sucks“, Remus whispered, and his voice was all choked up, breaking when he said it. ”Don‘t go“, he added, burying his nose in Sirius‘ scarf and breathing in hard, and Sirius couldn’t help the tears in his eyes welling over and slowly trickling over his cheeks as he pressed them into Remus‘ hair.
No matter how many times they did this, it never seemed to get any better. Every time they were with each other again, it was euphoric, and addictive, and Sirius tried to suck up every single second of the time they had together. And every time they parted, it broke his heart all over again. After over a year, it only seemed to be getting worse with every goodbye and every last kiss.
”We‘ll be alright, baby, everything’s going to be alright“, he breathed, taking Remus‘ face in his hands and kissing his cheeks, nose, chin, lips, and everything in between, until Remus was laughing wetly and pushing his face into his chest again, arms a bruising but welcome pressure around him.
Sirius hated letting go.
-
After his first cigarette, he lit the second one. He looked at his phone. Four am. Six for Remus.
It lit up with his name.
-
”So, Sirius, tell us about yourself!“ Somehow, Sirius had found himself going to the club with the only lesbian couple from their company. Then again, they seemed like the only sane ones there sometimes, and funny too, so Sirius wasn’t about to start complaining.
Marlene and Dorcas. He smiled a little. ”I‘m from NYC, and I went to NYU until a few months ago. Graduated.“ They nodded slowly. After a few more minutes of conversation, they exchanged a look and faced him again.
”One last thing: Please tell us you‘re not straight.“ He laughed. ”I think my boyfriend in New York would disagree if I told you so.“
And that’s how he became a part of the Holy Trinity of the San Fran theatre company, or whatever Marlene liked to call it. The two girls were the ones he mostly spent his free time with if he had any, and he was glad to have them amongst all that the hastiness his life at the company was.
-
He stared at the screen, bright in contrast to the dim light around him. Sirius picked up.
”Siri?“ Remus sounded tired, like he had just woken up and immediately grabbed his phone, and Sirius pressed his lips together to stop himself from smiling.
”Did something happen, love?“, he asked quietly. Remus was rarely awake before seven, not when his shifts started only later in the morning. Plus, he had the next days off work, Sirius knew that.
He heard shuffling around, probably between too many blankets. ”I just realised you won‘t be here on Christmas morning“, he finally said, and Sirius froze. ”Re…“
There was a moment of silence, in which Sirius wanted nothing more than to tell Remus, but he didn’t.
”Honestly, I don’t even know what I‘m trying to say other than that I miss you so much right now. I miss you so much, baby“, he whispered, and Sirius swallowed, his lip feeling awfully quivery. Remus wasn’t crying, but he sounded heartbroken. It was almost worse.
Which, honestly, he knew he was literally on his way, but he could feel Remus‘ pain, because he felt it all. The. Time. ”Soon, love, yeah? I miss you too. More than anything.“ He didn’t lie.
”I just wish you were with me“, Remus sighed, and Sirius could hear how tired he still was. His Re had never been an early bird, and he wasn’t about to start now. Sirius smiled. ”I am. You can hear me breathing, right?“ An affirmative hum. ”It‘s snowing in New York. Like that one time a few years ago.“ He was silent for a moment more.
”Can you stay on the phone a bit? We can both sleep again, as long as I can listen to your breathing a bit.“
Sirius would’ve never said no to anything Remus asked of him, as long as it made him happy. ”Of course, Moony.“
Remus fell asleep quickly, but Sirius didn’t hang up for another half hour, as he made his way back into the airport and to his gate, waiting. Waiting, and listening to the slight cracking and soft breathing of a sleeping Moony.
He called James, who didn’t pick up. He left a message.
”Prongs, I swear to you. If this plane doesn’t take off in the next two hours, then I‘m running to New York myself.“
-
”Black!! There was something in your mail box at the company!!“ He heard Marlene yelling before he even opened the door.
”I‘m pretending I‘m sick“, he’d told Remus with a soft, happy, sigh, that morning. ”Good. I‘ll have you to myself all day.“
It was one of the days where Remus was off work, and Sirius called in sick. He didn’t often, so he got away with it, which was a joy. Him and Remus would be on the phone as much as they could, doing all the random stuff they would be doing normally, alone, just together.
If Marlene and Dorcas would have shown up any earlier, he would have killed them. When they rung his bell at six pm, he still wasn’t happy about it.
”Look, Pads“, Remus had said and smiled, picking up something out of few and holding something into the camera a moment later. ”What‘s it?“ Sirius had already smiled, even though he didn’t recognise much aside from a lot of wool, but Remus‘ eyes looked excited and that was all it needed for him to be excited too.
After his last visit in October, which was a good month ago, it had been especially hard on them, and Sirius‘ heart broke seeing it in Remus‘ eyes every day. Sirius just had to wait, wait, and wait a little more.
”After you left last month, I started knitting. I‘m making you a big sweater“, he grinned, and Sirius laughed. ”You‘re such a grandma. I love you so much.“ Remus smiled warmly, eyes glinting. ”I love you too.“ Sirius tilted his head. ”Are you gonna send it to me?“
Remus grinned. ”Of course not. I‘m going to cover it in your deodorant and pretend you‘ve worn it.“
Which was, Sirius could happily say so, even better. ”As long as you send me pictures.“ Remus winked, opening his mouth to say something, when the doorbell had rung.
They looked at each other for a moment. ”Sorry, I think it‘s Marlene and Dorcas.“ Remus smiled softly. ”Talk to them, and if you’ll want to, we could still talk later. Alright?“
They had brought him a long awaited letter. A letter from New York.
”So, you‘re really going to leave, huh“, Dorcas wondered out loud as they laid on his kitchen floor hours later, pleasantly buzzed from their celebration about Sirius‘ accepting into a broadway production.
He felt dizzy. ”I guess I really am. Wow. I didn’t think I would be this sad.“
Marlene smiled. ”That’s fair. You‘ll have to leave us.“ They laughed, and she rolled onto her stomach to look into his eyes. ”You would be great anywhere, but this never really was your home, was it.“ He closed his eyes, looking back on his years in San Francisco, his success at the company even if his surroundings hadn’t been the healthiest, his success that had made this even possible now.
He thought about his days in the city, spent with his friends or family coming to visit him, showing little Harry the theatre. Going to the club, tears and laughs, and he felt extremely cheesy.
”I guess it wasn’t.“ He laughed, tearing up.
His home was sitting in a small apartment in New York, knitting a sweater and drinking too much tea, and really, Sirius couldn’t wait.
-
His plane didn’t take off that night.
He was up the whole night, not able to sleep in the hotel next to the airport. If he was stuck in fucking Santa Fe for Christmas, he would cry.
”Hey dude, we just saw the messages you sent us last night. You’re still in Santa?“, Dorcas asked as he made his way through the airport, trying to find a McDonalds or anything else cheap to have some breakfast. ”Yeah, I am“, he groaned. ”And I might actually go insane. It‘s not even crazy outside, but I guess in New York it is. They‘re not flying knowing they‘ll have to land again.“
He wandered around the airport for hours, standing in front of the huge glass wall again and watching the snow falling.
-
”You have snow on your eyelash“, Remus giggled, and it was the most glorious sound that Sirius had ever been blessed enough to hear. There was something in the air that day, he would always think that, later when he thought back on it.
”Are you going to kiss it away?“
Really, they had only been seventeen, and still childish (though Sirius knew later that that wouldn’t change for a bit), but al stupidly in love. Which also wouldn’t change.
”No, I like it there“, Remus had grinned, shrugging, and Sirius had gasped in mock offence and kissed the idiot right then and there, as too many snowflakes were starting to rain down on them.
”I think its best to go home“, Remus had murmured against his lips.They hadn’t gone home, and Remus was sick for two weeks straight. ”And I‘d do it again“, he told Sirius on the phone, laughing, which ended up in him choking on a cough. Sirius had had the urge to tell him that he loved him then, as he would every day after.
-
Sirius got off his plane in New York at eight pm on Christmas Eve. After many more hours in the airport, there had been some sort of miracle (he didn’t understand Blizzards much, really) and the flight had taken off. Sirius didn’t question it, didn’t question anything as long as it meant he was finally coming home.
He spent forever trying to get a cab, ended up with an Uber, and suddenly it was ten. It was ten pm and he was standing in front of the apartment door.
He could hear muffled laughter inside, and suddenly he realised. He wasn’t visiting. He wasn’t going to go back, and the moment that he entered that door, they would be there, Remus would be there.
”Wait, I think I could ask Mrs Figgins next door if she has some left-“
The door swung open.
-
”So, you‘re not coming back?“
It was barely more than a whisper, a small voice on the other side of the line. Sirius swallowed. ”No, I‘m not. Reggie-“
”It‘s fine, Sirius. Don’t say anything.“ They both knew it wasn’t fine, but Sirius kept quiet. Next to him, Remus was asleep, cuddled up in a warm and fluffy pyjama. He looked so much younger when asleep.
”We‘ll spend Christmas together again, Regulus. But not with them. And not there.“
Regulus didn’t scoff, or laugh, but he didn’t do something else either. There was no reaction. Then, he heard him let out a shaky breath. ”Do you think that will ever be possible? He smiled, if sadly. ”Yeah, I do.“
It was.
-
Regulus stared at him. He stared back, grins starting to form on both their faces.
”Surprise?“, he said, and Regulus just shook his head, letting out a little laugh and hugging him.
In the apartment, a chair tumbled to the floor. And then Regulus was gone, and Sirius stared as he heard running, his heart starting to beat even more wildly with every fast step approaching.
When Remus slid into the hallway in his fuzzy socks, he almost fell. Sirius started laughing as he stumbled against the wall before regaining his posture, tears shooting into his own eyes because Remus was right there, staring at him as if he couldn’t believe he was real.
”Merry Christmas?“, he laughed wetly. Because Remus was actually wearing his own knit sweater, and ridiculous socks, and if Sirius wasn’t going to marry him then he didn’t know what was wrong either.
When Remus kissed him, it felt a little like a punch in the face with how hard he held his face, like he was angry that Sirius hadn’t told him, but in a very good way.
”I don’t understand“, he said quickly, his hands on Sirius‘ shoulders, roaming over his face and body, smoothing up into his hair and running his fingers through it.
”Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? When are you leaving?“ In between the questions, he leant up multiple times to kiss him, and Sirius swallowed around all the emotions that were choking him up.
”I guess you’ll have to stick around with me for a bit longer this time. I think its most practical to live here if I want to start practising at this Broadway show I‘m doing…“ Remus froze. ”No.“
Sirius laughed, looping his arms around Remus‘ waist and pulling him even closer, forehead leaning against forehead. ”Yes, yes. Absolutely. I‘m always serious, you know that.“
Remus laughed, too, wetly, his hands a bruising pressure. ”You fucking idiot. I love you so much. Oh my fucking god.“
Sirius never wanted to let go again, and maybe he didn’t have to. Not really.
”Merry Christmas, Moony.“