Work Text:
Xiao Zhan shivered as he scanned his card to get into his apartment complex, taking the elevator up to the 16th floor, then walking across two walkways, finally getting to his apartment’s door overlooking the rooftop terrace just as the predicted snow started to fall.
He had automatically stuck his key in the door, but Xiao Zhan then turned to take in the snow falling on Lake Union, absentmindedly walking a few steps away from the apartment and towards the rooftop's edge to get a better view.
Xiao Zhan watched the illuminated boats on the lake as the snow drifted around them and remembered a year ago, when he’d been at a work party on a snowy night like this.
Xiao Zhan did not tend to go out on the weekends, but he had been Level-6 at his job at Amazon, and he wanted to make it to Level-7.
Amazon employees had a cutthroat performance review system that got more competitive the higher you advanced. Employees at every level were rated not only by management but also by their colleagues, through formally documented processes but also through a year-round internal anonymous feedback system.
The lowest ranked employees every year were cut in a process called Organizational Level Review, and while Xiao Zhan was talented enough that he knew he wasn’t in danger of that, his latest peer evaluations had included the criticism that he needed to be more involved in team-building exercises, both formal and informal.
Accordingly, Xiao Zhan had immediately signed up for an escape room event the prior week at Puzzle Break. His building had offered it as a weekend stress-relief activity. Xiao Zhan found himself enjoying the challenge, ‘Escape from Guanyin Temple,’ making a few new friends along the way from other teams in his building that had been assigned to his scenario. He had even exchanged contact information with a friendly colleague who worked on the next floor down from Xiao Zhan named Yu Bin, and they were planning on meeting up for brunch the following weekend.
Flush with success from that outing, he now found himself at Art Marble 21, a bar just outside of Lake Union. A few of the teams had rented this space out for another networking event to relieve stress and help people mingle, and Xiao Zhan didn’t feel nearly as confident about this one as he fended off another drunken coworker that he barely recognized.
“C’mon, play some Jenga with us,” she slurred, throwing an arm around his shoulder and motioning to a group huddled around a table with a jumbo-sized Jenga set. They were clearly all inebriated, several in the group trying to hold the structure up while another kept shoving at random blocks to try to knock it down.
“I’m good, thanks,” Xiao Zhan said stiffly, giving a smile that he knew didn’t reach his eyes, “I’m going to get a drink.” Xiao Zhan extricated himself quickly if not smoothly and fled to the other side of the bar, letting out a sigh of relief as he saw she had grabbed another colleague who seemed more amenable.
“How much longer do I need to be here?” Xiao Zhan wondered, drumming his fingers on the bar. He knew that counting down the minutes to leaving wasn’t really the point of him getting “more involved” but Xiao Zhan hated the additional work he needed to put in outside of his actual job just to move ahead in his career.
He was on-call several days a week in addition to the normal 50-60 hour work week, meaning that at any time during his on-call shift, he had to respond to emergencies within 15 minutes, so he couldn’t make any plans during those times and had to stay within distance of his computer for immediate responses if any 'fires' happened during his shift. And now, the latest criticism had nothing to do with his actual work, but rather, him needing to socialize more. “Just how much of my life do I need to give up to this company?” he fretted.
Although, if Xiao Zhan was going to be honest with himself, it’s not as if he would have been doing much else that night. He would just be home watching a movie by himself or playing a video game.
Xiao Zhan had moved from China to work in Seattle two years ago, and it had been a rough transition getting used to such a new culture, though his English had improved exponentially since his arrival. Seattle had a large Asian population, as did nearby Vancouver, but he still found himself frequently homesick.
With the latest political issues in the US, Xiao Zhan didn’t even feel comfortable leaving the country, despite his H-1 B visa still being active and theoretically not in any danger. There were constant protests happening at Sea-Tac Airport to condemn the harassment that non-US citizens were receiving as they tried to re-enter the country, and Xiao Zhan had told his family for the last year that he couldn’t come back for any holidays.
It had made them both sad, though his parents were proud of him and how well he was doing at his job. Xiao Zhan sighed again at the thought as he nodded and smiled at a co-worker wishing him an enthusiastic “Merry Christmas!” as he passed by.
Xiao Zhan found a relatively quiet corner in the bar and sat to nurse his drink, thinking of home. He thought maybe he could head out in the next thirty minutes and hoped he could avoid forced small talk as he just wasn’t in the mood.
“Hey, it’s like the song!” he heard some tech bro drunkenly bellow nearby. “There’s nine of them!”
“What the hell are you talking about?” a woman giggled next to him.
Xiao Zhan kept toying with his drink, trying to ignore them, but the lights suddenly dimmed, and he lifted his eyes as he heard music begin playing that reminded him of home. It wasn’t traditional Chinese music by any stretch of the imagination, but he could heard chords playing in the fusion dance mix that he recognized, and his breath caught as Xiao Zhan saw nine performers begin to take synchronized steps on a stage at the other side of the room in a modern dance routine.
“Nine ladies dancing, dummy. It’s seasonal and shit,” the tech bro proclaimed, proud of his ability to count, only to pout as the woman replied tartly, “They aren’t all ladies, dummy.”
Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened as he realized she was right. The beautiful dancers who moved fluidly in the small space to the quickening beats were all dressed in similar outfits with silver hair, but it was clear that they were not all ladies, but rather, all styled androgynously. They performed for about ten minutes and then finished with a synchronized bow to thunderous applause and drunken catcalls.
Xiao Zhan winced, the beauty of the moment, once again, undermined by the crassness of the audience. The dancers were professional, though, continuing to bow and then take their leave.
Xiao Zhan let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. This happened to him all the time in this city, he mused contemplatively, finishing off his drink and deciding he’d stayed long enough to be remembered as having attended. Every time Xiao Zhan found something beautiful in this new place, there was something that made it feel vulgar.
He’d attended so many elaborate events for his job, with no expense spared as Amazon rented out a sports stadium or a beautiful museum, but then it was always full of people who had no idea how to appreciate any of it. Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes as he remembered the man who threw up on his shoes because of the unlimited beer at the Mariners game he attended for the latest event, and winced as he remembered watching, absolutely shocked, as someone try to touch a painting at the SAM and getting huffy at the docent who stopped him.
“I’m glad I got to see those performers, at least,” Xiao Zhan thought to himself with a small smile as he pulled on his coat and scarf and headed out, waving goodbye to his inebriated colleagues as he neatly avoided being pulled into conversations on his way out the door.
As Xiao Zhan stepped outside, he was surprised to see that it had begun to snow. He lived half a mile north and was going to walk back to his lonely apartment, but it was so beautiful he couldn’t help walking forward, crossing the street to the lakefront to watch the snow fall. His steps crunched on the frozen grass as he walked closer to the lake, and he took a deep breath, inhaling the cold and morbidly imagining it coated his insides in a sheet of ice.
Xiao Zhan called his parents and got their voicemail. He left a message saying that he missed them and wished he could have seen them this year for the Mid-Autumn Festival, and for New Year, but that he would when things got better and he was able to travel without any worry.
“I miss you, and I love you,” Xiao Zhan said softly at the end before hanging up. He knew it might worry them to hear him say all of that in a message, but he wanted to say it nonetheless on this cold night while he missed home.
“Are you okay?” he heard in American-accented Mandarin, and turned, surprised, to see one of the dancers from inside in street clothes.
“Yes, I’m fine,” Xiao Zhan responded in English, smiling at the small, unexpected kindness. “Thank you for asking.”
He turned back to watch the snow, surprised as the other man walked over to stand next to him, looking out over the lake as well.
“Your wife?” the handsome man asked, Xiao Zhan raising his eyebrows in surprise at the personal question.
“My parents,” he said with a stiff smile, turning back to look at the lake and wishing the attractive stranger would leave him alone with his thoughts.
A minute passed and then the young man spoke again, his voice intense and deep as Xiao Zhan let his mind drift back to his home.
I was surprised my quilt and pillow were cold,
I see that now the window’s bright again.
Deep in the night, I know the snow is thick,
I sometimes hear the sound as bamboo snaps.*
Xiao Zhan just breathed in the moment, the cold wrapping around him and filling his lungs even as his heart thawed, feeling warmed hearing the voice reminiscent of home, of family, even though he didn’t recognize the poem.
“Thank you,” Xiao Zhan into the silence. “It helps.”
“I moved here from a few hours away and feel pretty alone here still,” the young man said with a shrug. “I can’t imagine what it’s like moving to another country.”
Xiao Zhan shot him a sad smile. “That obvious, hmm?”
The dancer shook his head, “No, but you speak it the same as my childhood teacher from Chongqing,” he said, curving his lips into a half-smile. “And I noticed you in the Amazon party, it didn’t seem like a big leap.”
Xiao Zhan nodded. “It’s been a few years now, but I just haven’t managed to make this place feel like home yet,” he admitted. “I’m not sure how to make that change.”
Xiao Zhan didn’t know what made him confess these inner thoughts to a stranger, but the snow seemed to surround and cover them with a blanket of silence, leaving him with the wild thought that they were the only two in the world.
The young dancer looked as ethereal as the snowflakes falling around him, gazing at him with dark eyes, hair almost glowing in the streetlights shining behind his silver hair.
“I don’t think a place ever feels like home,” the slender dancer said softly, words falling as lightly as the snow. “It’s always just finding people that give you that feeling when they’re around.”
Xiao Zhan smiled at the thoughtful man who had already helped him feel that way twice tonight. “Thank you for the dance, you were very lovely,” he said sincerely, holding his hand out to the sweet stranger whose dark eyes widened at the gesture and ears turned pink at his words. “My name is Xiao Zhan, what’s yours?”
Now, a year and what felt like a lifetime of new, beautiful memories later, Xiao Zhan watched the snow fall and heard the apartment door open and close behind him, arms winding around his sides to clasp around his front, pulling his back against Yibo’s chest.
“I missed you, Zhan-ge,” Xiao Zhan heard murmured by a deep voice in his ear. He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against the dancer who had rested his chin on Xiao Zhan’s shoulder and held Xiao Zhan’s heart in his graceful hands.
“I’m glad you’re home.”
One year later: Twinkle Lights and Snowy Nights