Chapter Text
The first week was the hardest. Marvin had expected it to be challenging, but not to this extent. Everything reminded Marvin of Whizzer. One day, Marvin saw a white button-up shirt with cufflinks in the store and he broke down into tears. Another time, the scent of hors d'oeuvres sent Marvin overboard. Even Jason, his own son, could break Marvin. It didn't help that Whizzer's cologne lingered in the air around Marvin's house. Each night, Marvin would dream of Jason's bar mitzvah, and wake up crying. Marvin would constantly think about what Charlotte told him that night.
Something that spreads from one man to another.
Unbeknownst to anyone in his life, he had begun visiting a doctor every two weeks shortly after Whizzer died. Marvin did hate hiding it from everyone, but he didn't need to stress them out. Whizzer's passing had not only been stressful on him but everyone, and Marvin couldn't burden them anymore. He would, however, try to ask Charlotte about the disease that killed Whizzer. Unfortunately, she would repeat the same thing.
We still don't know a lot about it. I'm sorry Marv.
Marvin would play it off with a laugh, yet it did enrage him that he didn't know more about what killed his lover—no, partner—and what might kill him. Marvin knew if he got upset, they'd say he was still grieving. It was about two and a half weeks afterward when Marvin realized his family was still walking on eggshells around him. He knew they were doing it for his well being, but he wanted to be honest with his family. His other doctor would try to help by saying everything will be alright. He would laugh every time and the doctor would feel guilty every time.
Doc, give it to me straight. Everything hasn't been alright recently and I couldn't care less anymore.
Eventually, the weeks turned into months, and the impacts of Whizzer's death had faded from Marvin and his family. Marvin began to function normally once again, but he always felt as if something was missing. Mayhaps it was a body next to him. During the first year of Marvin and Whizzer's original breakup, Marvin usually had someone next to him in the morning. During that time, Mendel would try to persuade him out of that habit.
Marvin, I don't want to—
Then don't Mendel.
Yet, Marvin grew tired of seeing a series of nameless men. Even though Marvin would never admit it out loud, he longed for a relationship, someone who was more than a living, breathing, sex doll. Someone like Whizzer. Marvin tried everything to find a relationship, yet all his attempts would end up in sex. One lad came close, yet he reminded Marvin too much of Whizzer for anything to come out of that.
About 4 years after Whizzer's passing, visits with his secret doctor were over, and he was more open with his family. Many more men had been diagnosed and killed via HIV/AIDS. Whizzer Brown seemed like a dream to Marvin, who had suffered through a stressful week. Even the littlest things had gone wrong. The stress had finally forced Marvin to visit Whizzer. Marvin knew no one else in his life would listen. They would say that they would, but then give him some bullshit he'd already heard a thousand times before.
The cold air and heavy rain on the day Marvin visited were almost poetic. When Marvin arrived, laying on the ground next to the headstone was the chess piece Jason had left all those years ago. Marvin smiled weakly at it. He picked it up, cold and wet, and placed it back on the headstone. Even though the writing on the headstone had faded, Marvin could see the writing crystal clear.
Whizzer Collin Brown
Born Sept 9, 1955
Died Apr 13, 1982
The world is a richer place because he once lived.
Marvin realized he stopped breathing momentarily. As he took a sharp breath, he let out a sob. The memories came flooding back. The diagnosis, the bar mitzvah, the nights in the hospital when Marvin would lie awake while Whizzer slept next to him. All of the pain struck him, and he wanted to cry right there. Marvin placed his hand atop of the headstone.
Hey Whiz, it's me. I'm sorry, for everything, we should have never got back together, but neither of us knew how it would end.
Marvin felt a tear fall down his face. He recalled that night in the hospital with his partner. It was late and just the two of them. Whizzer pleading with Marvin to go home, and drink a little. The wind whistled, as the rain beat down on Marvin. He let out a small sob as the pain deepened.
"Shock to see you here, Marv."
Marvin spun around in shock to see the mother of his son, and her husband, holding an umbrella. Standing between the two was Marvin's now teenage son. He smiled weakly at the pair, but he could still feel the warm tears on his face. His eyes quickly darted to Jason. A smile was plastered on the boy's face, yet Marvin could see the sadness in his eyes. Even though Jason was only 17, he looked so much older. Jason's emotions were more complex than those of an average 17-year-old. Marvin knew he was the reason for the pain that lingered behind his child's eyes. Sure, Marvin had apologized years ago, and Jason had forgiven his father, but Marvin still felt guilty.
Marvin was vaguely aware of Mendel speaking, yet he wasn't paying attention. Marvin was lost in thought, this was the perfect opportunity. He could both apologize to Jason and tell his family but he needed to make sure they were ready. His ex-wife was watching his face closely, while his son was staring intently at something behind Marvin. Mendel was still rambling on about something that Marvin wasn't catching.
Jason, I'm sorry."
Marvin's words stopped Mendel's spiel, as the rain was the only noise that surrounded the group. Marvin closely studied Jason waiting for any reaction from his son. Jason was still transfixed on whatever it was behind Marvin.
"Hey, kid. I'm sorry."
Marvin could feel Mendel and Trina staring at him, but Marvin couldn't care about them right now. All he needed was Jason to say something, to react in any way as Marvin couldn't be sure when he'd see Jason next. Marvin quickly realized he didn't know the date or time, sure it was Thursday, but what day, what month? His mouth went dry and he felt the colour drain from his body.
"It's today. Today is September 9th."
Jason mumbled. It was as if the young boy read Marvin's mind. The information brought the older man back to reality. The aura was heavy. The rain beating down on the four, the wind racing all around them, cold autumn air freezing Marvin. Mendel and Trina standing off to the side, Jason staring into the dim gray sky.
"September 9th?"
The words were barely audible as Marvin felt tears race down his face. This was all some cruel trick of fate. While Marvin had never gotten the chance to celebrate Whizzer's birthday with him, Marvin still considered the day a special one and had always wanted to celebrate it together with him. Marvin glanced back at the headstone, making sure the date that was written was correct. For the first time, the reality actually hit Marvin. It was the beginning of the end of Marvin and Whizzer's birthday. Everything was tumbling down around Marvin, and it tied back to his partner. Mendel and Trina shared looks of concern while his son merely fiddled with his hands.
"Are you sure today is September 9th?"
The small nod the three gave was crushing. A small chuckle escaped Marvin's mouth. He remembered the fight that caused them to break up the first time. Marvin, having been dealing with Whizzer's constant rebellion during that fight, was enraged. He still recalled the stunned face Whizzer put on when Marvin handed Whizzer his suitcase. Marvin was sure it was a bluff. Marvin always won, but when Whizzer took the suitcase, their emotions exploded. And that was it. They were done. And at first, Marvin thought he was happy, yet he quickly realized that his life was crumbling. Now it was happening again. First, he got laid off, then that same night, he was turned down by every guy he approached. The next day, Trina told Marvin that she was pregnant. The final nail in the coffin was earlier today when Marvin visited his doctor for the last time. Marvin tried to contain himself, but he broke down. The laughing began softly, easily mistaken for sobs, but as the sound grew louder and louder, it became unmistakable.
"Marv, you alright?"
Marvin wanted to yell at Mendel, tell him that he wasn't fucking alright. Marvin wanted to tell him that his performance at work went down because he was forced to grieve the loss of his lover while at work with homophobic pieces of shits surrounding him. Something Mendel with his perfect life would never understand.
"Marvin, are you okay?"
Trina, that bitch. She was bringing Mendel's child into this fucked up world and they were planning on exposing another kid to good ol' 'Uncle Marvin.' Marvin would've thought that they learned their lesson after how bad he screwed up his own son.
"Dad?"
Jason. Jason was truly the victim here. Marvin's life was falling apart, Trina and Mendel were expecting. Jason would somehow become less important to others in his own life. Even if Marvin somehow mentally recovered, Marvin was sick and he'd meet the same fate as Whizzer. Of course, Marvin's doctor, always the cheerer-upper, informed Marvin he was asymptomatic until now and that's why it wasn't noticed sooner. Though Marvin continued to roar in laughter, he wanted to scream. Marvin caught fear behind Jason's eye, something Marvin hated that he recognized. Yet that was not enough to stop the laughing fit pouring out from Marvin, he knew if he stopped laughing, he would start crying and screaming. The rain boomed in his ears and clouded his sight. The wind spiralled the laughter around Marvin, locking him in isolation. He didn't notice his family leave, yet when he was finally able to stop, they were gone. Every inch of the man hurt, inside and outside. His heart beating like a jackhammer. Marvin could feel that he and his clothes were soaked, yet he couldn't care. Marvin had reached his limit and was now more of a shell than a person.
Marvin's walk home allowed him to recall his week, which stung as he thought about it. It was like glass shattering, loud and frighting at first, then all that remained was the pain of stepping in the glass. It was possible to clean up the glass, but it's never fun, and you have to be cautious when doing so. Somehow, his body carried him and he appeared on his doorstep. He plunged his hand into his pocket and fished around for the key to his home. Yet when he didn't find it, Marvin sighed. He did not want to see anyone else, he wanted to go into his room and sleep. Marvin wanted to pretend Whizzer was next to him, and that, everything was alright. Marvin took in some air and walked to Charlotte and Cordelia's home. He slowly and carefully knocked on the door. Marvin was unaware of how long he was breaking down in the graveyard, so when Mendel opened the door, Mendel's relieved look confused Marvin.
"Marvin?! Come in."
Guilt surged through the man. During his walk home, Marvin realized something about himself, he wasn't worthy of any name. Names were for people that weren't terrible beings. Marvin reluctantly stepped into the house, sopping wet. He scanned the room and saw all his living family sitting in the living area. Jason was sitting on the ground with his trusty old chessboard, spinning it to play with himself, just like he did three years ago. Trina was bawling her eyes out, as Charlotte counselled her. The cruel smell of Cordelia's new favourite dish to cook, hors d'oeuvres, filled the air within the house. Marvin noticed that no one was aware of this presence. Nevertheless, he heard the door shut behind him, and felt a hand appear on his shoulder.
"We were all worried about you. We weren't sure what—"
Marvin couldn't care about anyone or anything right now. He just needed to rest, but of course, he knew he wouldn't be able to. Marvin had cracked in front of his family, and they cared whether Marvin wanted to admit it or not. The thing was he didn't want them to care and he knew he needed to show a strong facade during this rough patch in order to make sure that no one knew what was happening. Empty and depleted from the battles within his head, Marvin looked at Charlotte and cut off whatever bullshit Mendel was saying.
"Charlotte, you have a spare key to my place, right?"
Charlotte, seemingly caught off guard nodded and went to say something, but she must have noticed the angry look on Marvin's face because she whispered something to Trina and got up instead. Marvin himself could feel the tension in the air. The house was nearly silent, yet Trina's light sobs filled the air. Marvin, in a seemingly unexplainable rage, wanted to hit her.
What reason does she have to fucking cry? She has a husband and a kid who loves her.
Marvin glared at Trina. His whole body tense, filled with anger, sadness, apathy and a million other things. Mendel once tried talking to Marvin, but Marvin was too angry to even try to listen. Charlotte returned, pushing the key into Marvin's hand. Marvin quickly closed his hand, and turned toward the door and reached out for the handle. Protests arose behind the man, yet Marvin knew if he stayed, someone would get hurt, either physically or emotionally. He swung the door open and stepped outside. Cold air and heavy rain. Wind blasting. The protests continued, but Marvin was unable to hear them due to the wind roaring in his ears. He wanted to go home and no one in that room could force him to stay. Marvin took a few more steps forward.
C'mon Marv. We're your family.
The voice made Marvin stop cold. He hadn't heard that voice for nearly 4 years. His anger suddenly disappeared. He felt happy again. Sure he fucked up the first time, but Marvin was trying to be better. Marvin wanted to apologize. Of course, deep down, that voice wasn't there and Whizzer wasn't in that room, yet it sounded so real that he just had to check. Whizzer was dead, but maybe...
"Whizzer?"
The name escaped Marvin's lips as a whisper and then reality came back to Marvin, Whizzer Brown was dead. All of Marvin's emotions reappeared within seconds. His anger, his sadness, his apathy. Whizzer would never come back. Once someone was dead, they were dead. His parents, his brother, his lover, all dead. One day, his friends would be dead, then he'd be dead. Death doesn't discriminate, and no one makes it out of life alive. Time barrels on, leaving whoever or whatever, in its path. Marvin would never get to apologize to Whizzer, and that was the cruellest trick of all.
"Dad, you've been standing outside for five minutes."
Jason's deep voice pulled Marvin out of his thoughts, yet his anger remained. His son, a cruel reminder of his partner's death, was standing in the doorframe. Trina was no longer crying, but her eyes were stained red. Mendel was confronting her, while Charlotte and Cordelia were seemingly missing from the room. Marvin glanced inside the house, making sure he was gone. Marvin wanted to say something, to apologize to his family for what he alone had caused, to apologize for what was still to come. Maybe if things were different, if his family wasn't trying to protect Marvin.
"Sorry, kiddo."
He weakly smiled at his son. Jason feigned a smile, an action which gutted Marvin. The adults that were around Marvin were always disappointed in him, but Marvin thought he had saved his relationship with Jason. Marvin thought that after everything he'd done, Jason had forgiven him But even now, Marvin knew Jason felt discontent. Marvin was a bastard, an asshole, or any other series of expletives you could think of. Marvin verbally abused and later divorced Jason's mother and then killed Jason's favourite person. Marvin turned away from Jason.
He hates you, you fucking fairy.
"I'll be at home."
The words were nothing more than a quiet whisper, yet Marvin knew Jason heard him, as Jason's eyes lingered on him as he made the short walk back to his own home. Marvin unlocked his door with a small click, glancing towards the house where his friends were. Marvin's home was stale with no trace of happiness or joy. The scent of mothballs was strong. Decorating was one of Whizzers' fortes and anything that reminded Marvin of his partner hurt. Marvin slammed the door behind him, before throwing himself on the couch. He missed Whizzer so much and longed to be with him again. Of course, Marvin knew the solution was simple. He was already doomed, so what's the harm of speeding the process up? Yet something was stopping Marvin from ending it all. Was it the thought of his son being left without his father? Or perhaps the thought of the others suffering more? Or, most likely, it was the thought of Whizzer being disappointed in him.
When Marvin suspected he might have loved Whizzer, Marvin denied it. Yet when he lost Whizzer, seemingly forever, Marvin was upset at himself. He'd lost the one he'd loved. He remembers resenting the happiness Trina had at the time. He hit her. His resentment over her being happy was a product of his denial. He denied his feelings for Whizzer and now Whizzer was gone. Of course, Marvin regained his denial and began sleeping around. It wasn't until Marvin saw Whizzer at that baseball game, over two years later, that Marvin was reminded of how he truly felt. Marvin was more than a little boy with a crush, he was enamoured and had been for a long time. Yet how could Whizzer feel the same way?
By then, Marvin had realized a lot of the fucked-up shit he did to Whizzer. For a reason Marvin will never know, Whizzer took him back. Marvin was now a kid who had just gotten his favourite ice-cream. Of course, that joy was short-lived and Whizzer would die shortly thereafter. One night, early in Whizzer's stint at the hospital, Marvin recalled Whizzer pleading for him to move on afterward. Marvin, out of fear, snapped back in anger. Marvin's words were cruel, but Whizzer calmly shot back that if Marvin never moved on, he'd be upset. Marvin had been upset at himself after that and his guilt was on full force during the remainder of Whizzer's stay in the hospital. When Whizzer pleaded with Marvin to pretend that he's always home and move on for the second time, Marvin didn't reply. The guilt from the first time still reigning. Though Marvin never directly apologized for anything he'd done, Marvin had said things to Whizzer that he'd never be able to say again to any other man.
Marvin was unaware of the passage of time, yet when he finally came out of his head, the daylight was gone. His whole body was sticky from sweat, and his limbs were heavy. His brain was running a million miles a minute, and Marvin knew he should sleep. Strangely though, he had no motivation to sleep. A light sigh left Marvin's lips as the man stood up from the couch. The air around him, thick like a fog, caused the man to move slowly. Mayhaps, it was the regained numbness of the loss, or maybe the breakdown, yet Marvin found himself in front of the closet which keeps some of Whizzer's stuff. Reluctantly, he opened the closet door. Within the closet were two boxes. One held Jason's old chessboard which was missing the king making it unplayable. Marvin smiled, but his heart recoiled. Marvin knew where that king was, but instead, he pretended that Jason had lost it as a child might.
The other box, which was sealed shut with brown tape, was simply labelled 1979. Marvin felt his eyes water. It had 7 years and nothing was the same as it was then. Marvin knew what kind of things he'd find in that box, but nevertheless, he ripped it open. When his eyes scanned the contents of the box, everything inside it was familiar to him. A full, unopened bottle of Whizzers cologne lay on the top. The glass bottle was cold to the touch. Marvin carefully set the bottle on the ground. Under the bottle, folded nicely, was a brown leather jacket. Marvin remembers Whizzer wearing the day the couple broke up, so Marvin was unsure how he'd gotten it. Even so, Marvin was happy he had it. Marvin continued to dig through the box, each thing bringing back, now bittersweet, memories. By the time, Marvin had completely emptied the box, his eyes glimmered with tears. Sprawled out around Marvin was everything from photos to clothes. It was almost like a museum to his ex. Marvin wanted to cry, but his body was physically unable. So much shit had gone down his week, and he'd already suffered so much today, he wasn't exactly surprised.
One drink couldn't hurt.
Marvin knew he had a bad habit of getting angry when he drank too much. The last time Marvin over-drank was the night Whizzer and he broke up. One glass became two, two became four. Marvin lost count of how many he had that night, and most of the night was a blur until he hit Trina. It was the first time he was violent with a woman, and he swore he'd never touch the stuff again. And so far, he'd keep that promise. But he was alone, and no one was going to come looking for him. Marvin carefully stepped over the Whizzer memorabilia towards his kitchen. Last time, it was bourbon. This time, who knows what it's going to be. When Marvin reached his kitchen, he scanned the room, looking for anything to drink, when he spotted it. The glass bottle filled with Whizzer's drink of choice. The golden hue of the scotch practically summoned Marvin over to it. Marvin pulled a glass out of the cupboard and poured the scotch. He knew the alcohol would turn down the volume on his thoughts, and Marvin longed for his thoughts to be silenced. The first drink was gone quick, and before the bottle was gone too. Marvin, upset that the bottle was empty, threw the bottle on the ground. Marvin looked in the fridge, longing for more alcohol, when he found the half-full bottle of champagne from Jason's bar mitzvah. He chugged the bottle back and was looking for more to drink when a simple knock at his front door startled him. Marvin, drunk, stumbled his way to the door and glanced out the peephole to see Trina standing there. Marvin swung the door open cheerfully.
"I'm here for Jason."
His confusion was immense. Jason was at Charlotte's with Mendel and the others. Marvin was about to tell Trina off when he felt a body push past him. That's when he saw his son. Jason had dark bags under his eyes and his hair was unkempt. A backpack was slung over his shoulder, the contents aggressively shoved back into it. Marvin suddenly realized what was happening. Three days, just gone. Whizzer's items were no longer sprawled about on the floor. His head, vibrating like a jackhammer, the harsh scent of drink coming off his person. His eyesight struggled to focus on Trina.
"You let Jason come over when I was like this?!"
He'd always known that Trina wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but this was unbelievable, even for her. Jason kept his head down, avoiding eye contact with his dad. Marvin took a step forward, struggling to keep his balance. Both Jason and Trina took a step back, and Marvin knew it was in fear. When drunk, Marvin detested himself and anyone who showed him kindness. Nevertheless, the rage within Marvin was immense. The bitch let her son over.
" You were fine on Friday, Marv."
Marvin just laughed. Last thing he remembered was drinking on Thursday night. The pain of everything happening last week finally culminating on Whizzer's birthday. Questions spiralled though Marvin's head. He was vaguely aware of Trina talking, most definitely to him, but Marvin couldn't care less. The anger he felt was unmeasurable. When of sober mind, Marvin would have been collected. He'd be able to control his rage, his actions, and his words. Unfortunately, Marvin wasn't of sober mind. The words which Marvin threw out were harsh and cruel. They weren't his words, but rather the words of his demons. The demons which Marvin would never let out when he was sober. Whether Marvin meant it or not, the words caused Trina to break down. Her sobs further infuriate the man. Marvin raised his free hand.
She never wanted to love you. And neither did I.
Suddenly, in a moment of near sobriety, Marvin realized what was happening. Every inch of his person started shaking. The guilt and regret that Marvin had been feeling before was now turned up tenfold. The champagne bottle he was holding jumped from his hands, shattering as it hit the ground. Marvin tried to say something but nothing left his lips. Trina, who had seemingly regained her composure, looked at Marvin. A sadness, a feeling of disappointment, a look that Marvin hated stared back at him. The two shared a moment of silence before she stepped away. For her, she'd get to go home, be with her son and husband. Yet Marvin would be alone in this house, no one here for him, not that anyone should for that matter, but the pain remained nevertheless. Jason, who still remained in the room, looked at his father.
It's been 4 years, Dad.
With that, Jason dashed out, following his mother. Marvin attempted to follow the boy, but when he reached his door, all he saw was Mendel hugging Trina and Jason. The gray backdrop of the fall morning painted a picture that the drunken man did not enjoy. Marvin slammed his door shut, which led to his whole home vibrating. Once all that remained was the emptiness, Marvin felt the muscles of his chin tremble like a small child. A pain ripped through his muscles, bones, and guts as his heart began to yank in and out of his chest. It pulled back in like a yo-yo. Over and over. In and out. Marvin tried to cry yet no tears came. Rather all that came were the memories, both good and painful, and being forced to relive each one over and over again.
It was May 1978 the first time Marvin met Whizzer. Whizzer was 23, barely old enough to be in the bar. Marvin, who'd been coming to the bar for the last five years, noticed the young lad instantly. Not too many like him came through the doors, confident and lively. Most men in this bar were older, still in denial about who they were. Whizzer was chatting with almost every guy, and Marvin wanted his turn. Whizzer would woo the older man with stories from a world Marvin longed to be apart of. Marvin would promise prosperity to this young gentleman. Eventually, the two would share many nights together. The constant sneaking in and out would quell Marvin's feelings about who he was, yet the anxiety of getting caught always stuck with him.
In July 1978, when the divorce was finalized, Marvin had been dating Whizzer for a little over a month, though, the men's relationship was simply fighting and sex. Whizzer criticizing Marvin's every action with Marvin yelling back hurtful words, letting his demons run free. Whizzer would begin sneaking out each night, similar to Marvin's action only mere months before. Marvin now had ammunition to use against Whizzer, his numerous one-night affairs. Soon, the fights became complex landscapes with each member carefully choosing his words in order to prevent an attack from the other.
It wouldn't be until over 3 years later that the two men would laugh about their fights and the relationship as a whole. One which was without trust, devoid of love, and the only passions being wrath and lust. A relationship comprised of children who had yet to grow. It was only when the pain of the inevitable caught up to Marvin and Whizzer. The pair spent almost every hour of every day together. Each night, the couple would say good night to each other, not knowing if it was the last time.
It was on May 25th, 1983, and Jason's thirteen birthday, where Marvin and Whizzer would speak for the last time. Jason finished his reading of the Torah passage, as Whizzer was taken behind the hospital curation by Mendel and Charlotte. Marvin wanted to join them, yet he knew his responsibility as a father to stay with Jason. His responsibility was to protect his son from the pain of seeing Whizzer take his last breath. He held his son for a brief moment before glancing back to the curation, only to know that his best friend, his lover, was dead.
The once intoxicating smell of alcohol hung in the air made Marvin feel nauseous as pieces of glass surrounded the man. The glass shards reflecting how Marvin felt inside, broken and unable to be fixed. He had just destroyed his already tense relationship with his family, leaving the man with no one. A numbness lingered within Marvin, he was aware of his life ahead, pain and suffering. Marvin knew he’d meet the same cruel, uncaring fate as Whizzer. A wave of clarity washed over Marvin, he knew it was time. He slowly got up off the floor, using the wall as a crutch. His body ached with every small movement, yet he made his way over to the closet. Marvin instantly spotted the brown leather jacket his lover once wore and reached for it. He slid his left arm through the sleeve, followed by his right arm. By the time the jacket was fully on, Marvin felt he was being hugged by his ex-ex lover. Marvin could almost smell Whizzer’s cologne, as he sluggishly made his way over to the couch before he threw himself like a rag doll on the couch. The man stared at the dark ceiling and started to consider everything that had happened since that fateful May night those many years ago. The memories, already once relieved, came running back at a speed which the man couldn’t stop. Marvin shut his eyes.