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Dan loves this time of year. The weather is beautiful, cold and clear, and Dan loves the snow. When it snows, everything looks clean and new. It doesn’t last of course. It’s all muddy and grey before long, but that feels like a perfect metaphor for life so he doesn’t mind. He can stay inside and hibernate and no one questions or judges or worries. ‘Tis the season. The only downside to winter is Christmas. Dan really can’t afford the gifts he’s obliged to purchase and he could certainly live without the forced family time. Still, he loves his mum and he’d never hurt her by not showing up and opening gifts that feel like they’re for someone else.
He’s only been in the car 20 minutes but he’s not going to make it another mile without an incentive. There is no limit to the number of tourist filled tea shops in the area surrounding Buckingham Palace. It takes time to fight through the throngs of Americans experiencing their festive season in jolly old England but he manages. It’s worth it for the quiche and the pastries and the tea latte he’s still working on. He’s killed over an hour when he makes it back to his car.
Without his coat and gloves, Dan shivers as he turns the key to start the engine. He sips his tea while he waits for the car to warm up. The snowfall is pretty heavy now and the pavement is a thick blanket of white. People watching is great in the snow. Everyone is in a hurry with varying degrees of irritation on their faces. Dan puts the car in gear and steps on the gas. The engine revs and a high buzzing sound comes from the front tires. The car doesn’t move.
No one walking by pays any attention but in the rear view mirror, Dan sees a man walking toward the car far more slowly than anyone else. His head is tipped back, his hands held out. He walks in a wavy line, seemingly unaware of the family that just had to swerve out of his way. Dan shakes his head and tries again. The wheels only spin.
The man looks over. Dan would very much like to do this without an audience. He doesn’t like to be seen when he is having a human experience. If he had the time, he’d step out of the car, act natural, and go get another cup of tea. Nothing to see here. But he doesn’t have time. He really should get going. He slams his foot on the gas and hears the sound buzz louder than ever. Letting his head flop forward dramatically on the steering wheel, he searches his phone for a tow service. The wheels just keep spinning, the snow falls harder, and there is a knock on the window.
Dan curses himself for giving in to his childish need for treats and lets his head roll to one side. Bright blue eyes peer through the passenger side, framed by wind ruddied cheekbones and a big grey fur hood. If Santa was thirty and living in London, this is what he’d look like. Dan remembers the poem, His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow. He wonders if this guy has ever considered a beard. He’s staring, mind wandering, and the guy knocks again, his knuckle tapping the glass. Dan lowers the window.
“Hello,” Dan says.
The guy smiles wide and his hand moves toward his face like he’s about to cover his mouth but thinks better of it. Being observed in this slightly vulnerable moment was bad enough, being observed by a tall, attractive man with great bone structure is just a cruel joke.
“Do you need some help?”
No, Dan thinks to himself, I don’t need help. Please walk away but not too quickly because I’m kinda checking you out. That’s not what he says of course.
“Oh, uh, no I’m fine.” Dan can hear his voice go high and he hates it. “Just a little stuck in the snow.”
“So.” The guy cocks his head to one side. “You have help on the way? A tow?”
A cursory search had revealed a 90 minute wait for a tow truck and far too steep a cost. Dan shakes his head.
“Well, not exactly.”
“So you do need help.” He smiles again.
Dan sighs, defeated. “Okay yeah, I guess I do. Do you think you can push me out?”
An abrupt laugh startles Dan. The guy has a hand to his chest.
“Oh god no!” He says, “I’ve got noodle arms.”
“So how did you plan to help me then?”
“I don’t know, loan you my phone?”
Dan lays his head back down, holding his phone aloft.
The guy stands up straight, looking left and right. He puts his hands on his hips and walks in a slow circle around the car. Dan watches, wondering what he did to deserve this hell. Near the back tires, he pauses, crouches, and stands again. Soon he appears at Dan’s side of the car. Dan raises his brows and lowers the window.
“Yeah so I think we have to dig you out,” he says, “Do you have a shovel.”
“Are you joking?”
He doesn’t say anything but moves toward the front of the car and crouches down. Dan can’t see what he’s doing. He really doesn’t want to but he gets out of the car anyway, wrapping his arms around himself. His knee bounces against his nerves and the cold while he watches a total stranger, knees in the deep snow, digging out his tires with only knitted gloves on his hands.
“I don’t think that’s going to work.”
He keeps digging.
“The snow will just pile back up when the tire spins.”
He looks up briefly but keeps digging.
“I need to be in at my mum’s in Wokingham in an hour.”
He stops digging.
“You’re getting all wet.”
The guy looks down at the pile of snow in his hand. Before Dan can think, a snowball hits him square in the chest.
“What the fuck?” Dan sounds angry but he’s not, he’s just shocked. He crouches down and gathers a good strong ball of snow in his hands.
“No!” The guys says, “I’m young! I want to live!” He leaps toward the pavement and hides behind the car but not before he’s pelted three times, once on the shoulder and twice on the leg.
He puts his hands up in surrender.
“How could you?” He says, “After all I’ve done for you!”
“You started it,” Dan is trying not to grin like an idiot. There is a heavy dusting of snow on the guy’s coat and he’s soaked from the knee down. He’s cheeks are even rosier than before. He really is handsome in a hot nerd kind of way, which is the best way if you ask Dan.
“And what exactly have you done for me anyway?” Dan says, brow raised.
The guy rolls his eyes.“You’re kind of a brat? Do you know that?” He says, starting to shiver. “Try the car.”
Who does he think he is, rolling his eyes at Dan? He’s lucky he’s cute. Dan’s bare hands are freezing. He gets in and holds them up in front of the heater vent before putting the car in gear and trying the gas. The wheels spin again but only for a moment. The car lurches forward with a bump and Dan quickly breaks. The guy is literally bouncing in celebration and Dan can’t help but laugh. It hits him then, he’s always been a bit slow when it comes to the needs of others.
“Oh my god, you’re soaking wet! Get in here and warm up.”
Once he’s seated and thawed out a little, the hero introduces himself as Phil. Dan finally thanks him and only now does he realize how rude he’s been. It’s a miracle this guy helped him at all. Dan would have kept walking for sure. Suddenly, he’s feeling very small.
“Can I take you to your car? You really shouldn’t be out there with your jeans all soaked like that.”
“Oh. No, I’m headed for the tube.”
Dan has two modes; apathy and deep investment, there is no in between. He feels himself stumble over the line and now there is no way this guy is going anywhere that isn’t warm and safe.
“Phil? Right, Phil?” Dan smiles at him, “you saved me. With your bare hands, you rescued me on the day before Christmas Eve.”
“Well I don’t know if I’d go that far.”
“You did, but it won’t last with the way the snow is falling. I’m going to get moving. You just warm up and tell me where you live. I’m going to get you home where you belong.”
“You really don’t have-“
“No arguments,”Dan says, “I’m not a murderer I swear. I couldn’t live with myself if you got hypothermia.”
Phil breathes a laugh. “Okay, a little dramatic but it is cold. Are you sure you have time?”
He doesn’t have time. He’s gone from ahead of schedule to woefully behind. He really wants to arrive at his mum’s before his brother. Once he’s there, Dan won’t get a word in without some rebuttal about irony and sarcasm and how positive communication could go a long way toward improving Dan’s mood. All he can do is be the bigger man, smile and nod, allow his mum a happy Christmas without her sons battling for dominance.
“Shit,” Dan says.
“It’s okay, the snow is slowing anyway.”
The snow is not slowing. It’s blowing sideways. The wind is insane and Dan cannot kick this beautiful, tender, sweet man out onto the street.
His knee starts bouncing again. It does that when he’s stressed. He’s chewing his cuticle too. This is not a good look and Phil is looking. Dan wishes he wouldn’t.
“What’s your name?” Phil asks.
“Oh. Dan,” Dan says it’s a thin smile.
Phil places a hand on Dan’s knee, putting an end to the nervous bouncing.
“Dan,” Phil says softly, “I was happy to help. The last thing I want is to complicate your holiday. You have to be at your mum’s, I’d move mountains to see my mum, I get it. I’m warm now, I’ll be okay.” He reaches for the door handle.
“Wait!” Dan blurts, “Come with me.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Come with me. It’s only an hour drive. You can warm up and have some dinner. My mum isn’t a great cook but with my brother helping, it should be, uh interesting.”
Phil looks incredulous.
“You’ll be a nice distraction and then I can drive you back tonight after dinner. It will give me an excuse to leave for a while.”
“Why are you going if you don’t want to be there?” Phil says.
“Cuz I have to. I don’t want to disappoint my mum. No one wants to see their family at Christmas.”
“Of course they do,” Phil says, “I do.”
“Sorry, this is insane isn’t it. I’m just clinging to you like a life raft.” Dan laughs nervously. “You must think I’m a nutter. I can be a little late. I’ll take you home.” He pulls away from the curb and hands Phil his phone. “Put in your address? Or somewhere nearby if that feels safer.”
“I have to be in the Isle of Man tomorrow evening.” Phil is looking down at the phone but he’s not typing. “You don’t know me at all.”
Dan stops to let a group of pedestrians cross the road.
“You sure your mum wouldn’t mind?” Phil asks.
“Are you kidding? She’d love it if I showed up with someone for once. Honestly you’d be saving me for a second time today. I could have time with her without talking about my life.”
“You can’t tell her we just met, she’ll. Think I’m a psycho.”
“I’ll lie,” Dan says, flashing his dimples. Maybe charm will convince him. This idea had tumbled out in a moment of weakness but now he thinks it may be perfect. A new friend, a buffer between him and his family, a meal for his hero, and an excuse to leave when his brother starts to get really annoying.
“Ooh! I can be your fake boyfriend.” Phil has a look that says he’s always wanted to be someone’s fake boyfriend.
“What? No. No you cannot. How many Christmas romance films have you watched this year?”
“A few.” Phil smiles again and Dan’s heart betrays him with a squeeze.
“Okay Danny boy, I’ll go. But only for the food.”
Danny boy? Dan may be making a mistake.
“You are gay though, right?”
Dan hears the question and his throat goes tight. His stomach serves a cocktail of dread and attraction.
“Um, yeah. That obvious?”
“It’s not an insult Dan.”
Phil sounds sincere and he looks kind. Feeling safe with a stranger is a new feeling. Hell, feeling safe with a friend would be a new feeling. Dan gets the urge to tell Phil all his stories. He thinks maybe he would understand and Dan would like to know what that feels like.
“My family doesn’t know,” Dan says and Phil nods.
“Okay, no fake dating then. Just friends, for now.” He winks and now Dan is the one to roll his eyes.
The drive is easy. Dan has made it a million times before. Phil plays Christmas music and Dan turns the music up so they don’t feel obligated to talk. Phil is quiet but for the occasional comment about the snow, so unusual for London in December. They’ve driven away from it now and there’s only a light smattering here. The quiet only lasts until Mariah Carey’s voice blares from the speakers. Phil is now singing. Loudly. Dan should hate this. He should feel embarrassed for Phil, he should feel awkward, or at least annoyed. He can’t though. All he can feel is joy.
Dan’s mum hugs Phil before taking his coat, still damp from the melted snow. She admonishes her son for letting Phil get so cold and ushers them hurriedly to sit in front of the fireplace. Mum, this is Phil. That’s all he’d said when she’d hugged Dan and glanced at Phil with a smile and a question in her eyes. She ran off to the kitchen but she’s back now, with cocoa and biscuits.
“Don’t worry, they’re not vegan,” she says, “they’ve got butter and eggs and all of it.” She leans over to hand them each a mug and gives the plate of biscuits directly to Phil. On her way up, she leans inn to Dan’s ear.
“He’s a cute one, love,” she whispers before sitting down on the sofa to sip from her own mug. Dan is stunned and speechless, a lump in his throat. He munches in silence while the conversation flows easily between Phil and his mum. They talk about the queen’s Christmas speech, they talk about Phil’s family. He has a brother with a pregnant wife. They’ve really struggled to get pregnant and Phil cannot wait to be an uncle. Soon Dan sinks into the comfort. The more Phil talks, the more he likes him, the more he doesn’t want him to go.
“Adrian should be here soon and then we’ll eat.” Dan’s mum heads back to the kitchen to get things ready. Phil and Dan are quiet for a while.
“Thanks again for saving me,” Dan finally says.
“Thanks so much for bringing me here,” Phil says at the same time, “sorry, you go.”
“Just thanks. For the rescue,” he says, “I think my mum likes you. She doesn’t usually offer biscuits before dinner.”
“Mums like me,” Phil says, “I’m not sure why.”
Dan knows why. He’s only known Phil a couple of hours and he’s already wondering when he can see him again.
There are crumbs on Phil’s chin and he’s spilled a little cocoa on his jeans. It shouldn’t be charming but it is. Dan redirects his attention toward the fire, hoping Phil hasn’t noticed how long he’s been staring.
“This is actually really nice. I usually kinda hate Christmas.”
Phil looks at him with shock in his eyes. “What?! How can you not like Christmas,” he says. He sounds genuinely alarmed. “Christmas is magical. It’s the one time a year when everyone tries to do good.”
“Everyone?”
“Okay, not everyone,” Phil says, “but most people get swept up in Christmas. They want to be nice, they want to give.”
“Tell that to the dads throwing down over the last Frozen Elsa Dream Castle or some shit.”
“That doesn’t happen anymore, Dan. We shop online now.” Phil folds his arms. He’s not budging.
“Okay,” Dan continues, “then tell that to the witches that Jesus burned before he stole all their traditions!”
“Dan! I don’t think Jesus was directly involved in burning witches!” His voice cracks into a laugh.
Dan tries to hold his ground. “It just doesn’t make sense. It’s basically a birthday party for a magical baby who lived thousands of years ago, if he lived at all.”
Phil heaves a breath, “What about presents?”
“What about the romanticizing of late stage capitalism? Landfills full of plastic, unethical labor practices. What about that?”
“It’s really the time with family though.”
“Forced time for many,” Dan says, “compulsory time spent with oppressive family members, tolerance for intolerance.”
“But the food.” Phil’s voice is soft, “and the gingerbread, and Santa.”
Dan smiles and says, “I do like the whole tree in the house thing.”
Phil’s shoulders drop, “yes, exactly. The tree.”
He smiles and Dan thinks it’s the brightest thing in this room full of lights. He reprimands himself for the cheesy thought but he just can’t help it. Phil is going to make him like Christmas, he can feel it coming. He’s going to make him look at the bright side and eat dessert before dinner. He’s hears Adrian arriving at the back door.
“My brother’s here,” Dan says, surprised at the excitement he feels. “come on, I want him to meet you.”
He stands and reaches a hand down. Phil looks at it for a second before taking it and letting Dan pull him up.
Dinner passes too quickly. Phil is patient and gracious as Adrian goes on about how the cheese on the potatoes was farmed and how the Brussels he brought were grown in his garden. Phil reveals his hatred of cheese but says he could never be vegan because of Pizza. He says he’d love to garden but he needs to keep a houseplant alive first. It’s a better time than Dan has had at home in a long time. A little less attention is all he needed. His brother actually makes some good points when he’s forced to make them a little more politely.
After announcing that he needs to take Phil back to London and Phil protesting, insisting a ride to the train is sufficient, Dan’s mum interjects.
“Nonsense,” she says, “we are so happy you came Phil. Dan will take you back and in my car. It’s got heated seats.”
After a few more biscuits, Phil excuses himself to get his coat and get ready to go. Dan helps his mum clean up from dinner while Adrian goes to tend to the fire.
She’s beaming, bright eyed and happy. Dan has never seen her quite like this. She look over her shoulder before she speaks.
“He’s great love.”
Dan is putting dishes in the sink. He hums an acknowledgment, not sure where this is going.
“He’s very handsome and so sweet,” she continues, “and from the looks of you, he makes you happy. Am I totally off base here?”
Dan takes a deep breath and turns to look into his mother’s hopeful face.
“He is sweet, mum,” he says, “and no, you aren’t far off base.” His hands are shaking and his mum reaches out and takes one in hers. “Maybe you could stay up tonight, after Adrian goes to bed? So we can talk?”
“Of course love,” she says, unable to hide her smile, “you can help me finish up the wrapping.”
Phil reappears in his coat, gloves in hand. The goodbyes are sweet.
“We’re going to see you again, right?”
Phil hugs her and looks to Dan before answering, “yeah, I hope so.”
“You’ll see him again mum.”
As they’re getting into the car, Phil walks to Dan’s side.
“Before we go,” he says, “did you mean that? Do you want to see me again?”
Dan stomach swoops. “Well,” he says, “my mum has had two hugs from you and I’ve had none, so I figure I have to see you again.”
The sentence is barely out when Phil’s arms are around him. It’s the tightest, warmest hug. Dan lets his arms find their way and breathes in the subtle scent of spicy cologne. Phil doesn’t pull away, he just stays, holding Dan close. Finally, Dan is the one to step back.
“Guess I don’t have to see you again then,” Dan teases.
Phil doesn’t move. He twists his lips like he’s thinking and then he lifts his hand to Dan’s cheek. Dan swallows, he feels frozen in place. Instinctively, he closes his eyes and a moment later, there are lips pressed to his. It’s a soft and confident kiss and it’s all together too short.
“I’d like to see you try and stay away,” Phil says quietly as Dan opens his eyes, his heart beating like a drum. Phil wears a cheeky smirk as he buckles himself into the passenger seat.
The drive home is easy. Dan has made it a million times before but it’s different this time. Usually, the drive home is a welcome end, this time it feels like a beginning.
End