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Sirius grew up hating physical contact. He barely got any when he was a child and when he did it was often sharp, stern and stinging. Even Uncle Alphard’s hand resting on his shoulders didn’t feel good or comforting. He liked Uncle Alphard’s warm and soothing voice. He liked the way he talked and the things that he said. But the hand always felt wrong.
When Sirius finally came to Hogwarts, there was James Potter. James was a blizzard and grasped onto everything and everyone around him. There was no stopping him. Ever. And Sirius loved it. He loved the action, the pranks, the jokes, the talking about the most ridiculous things, the playing games… Everything.
Everything except the random touches. He would slap him on the back to greet him, box his shoulder when he had done something he thought to be especially funny, kick him in the shin to get his attention. It never really hurt. But Sirius’ body always expected it to. James never noticed the small flinches. Thinking back on it, he couldn’t really blame an eleven-year-old, who grew up without a worry in a world for not noticing.
Someone else did notice though.
Remus was different. Very quiet in the beginning. Kind of withdrawn. Very…. Careful. Especially with physical contact. The reason for that became obvious a year later. He spoke with a soft voice. It was weird to hear him talk sometimes. His voice was rather high-pitched before the crack but the things he said were absolute wisdom. At least to Sirius.
One day the four roommates were doing their homework together. Remus at his desk, the other three laying on their stomachs in Sirius’ bed. James had obviously lost his motivation a few minutes in and called for a trip to the kitchens.
“Hey, you coming with?” He dug his elbow into Sirius ribs to get his attention and Sirius’ heart skipped two beats at once. With a tight throat he forced a smile and declined the offer.
“Nerd. Okay, Pete. Let’s go get some nice pumpkin pasties.”
The two boys left the room and Remus and Sirius were alone. The silence was awkward, so Sirius tried to focus on his homework. But then Remus spoke up, taking Sirius by surprise.
“You can tell him to stop.”
“What?”
“The aggressive physical affection. James. “
Sirius gulped and carded his fingers through his hair nervously. He wasn’t that obvious, was he?
“What? Oh, no, he’s just like that. He doesn’t want to hurt me or something.”
But apparently Remus wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“If it makes you uncomfortable you should tell him to stop. He would hate himself if he knew you aren’t actually comfortable with that.”
Sirius considered these words. He was probably right. James wouldn’t hurt a fly. Except maybe Snivellus but that git deserved it. And what’s the big deal anyways? It’s not like James would like him any less.
But what if he wants to know a reason? What if he will treat him like he’s broken?
What if.
Uncle Alphards voice made it to the foreground of his brain:
”What ifs are meaningless. You can’t know what will be the outcome if you don’t give it a try. Your fears should never be stronger than your actions.”
“Maybe I will.”
The next night was the first time Sirius cried in front of another person and not being told to “man up” or to “be quiet already”. Sirius had told James that he didn’t like it. James had, of course, asked why. But Sirius wouldn’t- couldn’t explain. And suddenly the tears just hit him. And James had no clue how to deal with that situation.
“Hey, it’s alright Sirius. I’m so sorry. I- I’m bad at this, is it alright if I hug you?”
Sirius shrugged. He honestly couldn’t remember ever being hugged properly.
James slowly and carefully leaned closer, as if approaching a hurt stray dog. Whatever Sirius had expected a hug would feel like, it wasn’t this. It felt soft and warm and comforting. Good. It took a while for his tears to stop flowing and for him to calm down. But when he went to sleep that night, one thing was clear to him:
He wanted to feel like this all the time! Even more: he wanted his friends to feel this way all the time! And just like that, hugs became Sirius’ most favourite thing in the world.
He hugged James and Peter whenever he felt like it (which was often) or whenever he felt like they needed it. Neither of them thought it weird or seemed to have a problem with it. Just like James did slaps on the back (not on Sirius for a long while though), Sirius did hugs.
Remus, once again, was different. Sirius liked him. He liked his advice, his voice, his dry humour when he let it slip and his wit.
He didn’t like the face Remus made when something was bothering him. He made it whenever someone made comments about muggleborns or half-bloods. He made it when he thought they were dealing with the Slytherins too aggressively. He made it when he had missed classes because he was “visiting his sick mother”. And he also made it when Sirius was hugging him. Not always, but most of the time. So, Sirius stopped hugging Remus.
That was alright.
As long as Remus didn’t very obviously feel down. In those situations, Sirius was worse than James. He had no clue what to say and since hugging wasn’t an option either, he often ended up just sitting down next to him and doing his homework. No words were exchanged. He just sat with him and hoped that his company would be comfort enough for Remus. He never tried to ask him why he didn’t like hugs and Remus never mentioned it. That didn’t mean Sirius wasn’t curious about it.
Sirius knew that Remus was hiding something big.
Something that he was ashamed of and always nervous for people to find out. Sirius was desperate to let Remus know that he didn’t have to be ashamed of anything. Especially not in front of his friends. Slowly but surely, Sirius started connecting the pieces. He noticed that Remus “visits” took place in very regular intervals and that he was always exhausted when he returned. He noticed that Remus had a lot of scars that he tried to conceal and never talked about.
It clicked when Sirius woke up one night, unable to fall back asleep. It was one of the nights that Remus was “visiting his mother”. In the middle of the school week. The idea dawned on him when he noticed the full moon outside the window. He was entirely sure when Remus returned the next morning with a fresh cut on his cheek.
In the afternoon, when Remus excused himself to the library, Sirius called an emergency meeting.
“He’s a werewolf!”
“What? Are you sure?” Pete’s voice was even squeakier than usual.
James dropped his face into his palms. “That makes so much sense, how didn’t we notice earlier?”
“Aren’t werewolves really dangerous?”
“Pete, does Remus seem dangerous to you?”
Peter hesitated for a moment. “No. And even if he was, he wouldn’t hurt anyone willingly. He won’t even insult Snivellus properly!” He grinned, pleased with his conclusion.
“So, we agree? We’re going to help him?”
“Absolutely! I can’t believe we have a werewolf as a roommate! That’s so cool!” James held his hand up for a high five and Sirius took the offer. Then they each held a hand up for Peter.
“Yeah, I’m in!”
And so, it was decided that they would do anything in their power to protect Remus Lupin.
Step one: make him feel safe around his roommates!
Sirius felt that they should inform Remus that they knew about his secret as soon as possible. He wouldn’t feel comfortable keeping something like this from him. He wanted to make sure that Remus knew he could trust them, not betray his trust in any way. James and Peter weren’t so sure that was the best idea. They were afraid that Remus would lash out at them for invading his privacy or something and slowly wanted to ease him into it. Give him subtle hints.
So, Sirius decided to go behind their backs. He was convinced that “subtle hints” would just freak Remus out.
A few days later there was an opportunity. Peter was in detention (he’d been the only one caught during their last prank) and James was at Quidditch practice. Remus and Sirius were just returning from the library, their homework done. Sirius brought up the topic straight out of nothing. Like a jump into cold waters.
“Hey, Remus! I just wanted to tell you that we know your secret and we don’t mind.”
“You know… what exactly?” Remus’ voice was cracking horribly.
“Where you’re going every month. On the full moon.”
Remus crossed his arms in front of his chest.
“Oh. Are you er- sure?”
“We don’t care if you’re a werewolf. You’re our friend. One of the Marauders, remember?”
Remus gulped visibly. He didn’t look quite convinced.
“So, if they don’t care why aren’t the others here then?”
“They didn’t want to tell you we know. Fucking cowards. But we all agree that this changes absolutely nothing. Unless you want it to.”
That’s when he hugged him.
It was entirely unexpected but absolutely amazing. Remus smelled good, Sirius noticed. His sweater was very soft as well and Sirius arms were easily able to circle around Remus’ small waist.
From then on Remus’ hugs were Sirius’ favourite. They always felt special. They made Sirius feel special because Remus barely hugged anyone else. But Remus hugged him. And Remus trusted him.
Years later Sirius thought back on it and decided that there was only one thing that made him feel more special than Remus’ hugs:
Being able to call himself Remus Lupin’s boyfriend.