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Mafuyu sits in his living room, trying not to stare at the clock but ultimately failing, glancing at it every five seconds. It’s 5:27, and Ritsuka said he would be here at 5:30. Currently it’s Christmas day, and Mafuyu is alone. His mum got her work schedule two weeks ago, saying that she would have to work until late Christmas day, so Mafuyu knew this was coming but that still doesn’t mean he hasn’t been miserable all day. He assumed that Ritsuka would be busy with his family, but once Mafuyu told him he would be spending most of Christmas alone he had insisted on coming over as early as his mother would let him. Mafuyu protested, but not too strongly. If he’s being honest, he desperately wants to see his boyfriend today.
There’s a knock at the door, and Mafuyu all but bolts to open it. He doesn’t even let Ritsuka step inside before he launches himself into his arms. Ritsuka lets out a little huff of surprise but holds him back securely, with Kedama yapping around both of their ankles.
“Are you okay? I’m sorry I couldn’t get here any earlier.” He whispers in Mafuyu’s ear, and it makes him shiver. He’ll pretend it’s from the cold.
“No it’s amazing you’re here at all. I’m okay now you’re here.”
Mafuyu reluctantly lets him go enough to pull him inside, with Kedama following behind them. He lets Ritsuka take off his shoes, scarf and coat before he’s grabbing his hand again to pull him into the front room. Ritsuka is holding a carrier bag, which he places on a kitchen counter.
“Have you eaten dinner?” he asks,
“Not yet.”
“My mum packed you up some leftovers from ours, if you want some?”
“Oh…wow, please.” Mafuyu had completely forgotten about eating. He would probably just have ended up with instant ramen. “Tell her thank you. How did you get her to let you come?”
“I just told her that one of my bandmates was going to be alone on Christmas and that I wanted to keep you company. She said to invite you round to ours but then Yayoi kicked up a fuss about how it wasn’t fair because she’s bringing Kouji-san and all the attention should be on him.”
“Thank God for Yayoi being dramatic.”
“Yeah…well my grandma is coming and she, well…she’s old, so she doesn’t have the best opinions about….um, certain things, so I think Yayoi knew I wanted to get out of there.”
“Ah, I see.” Mafuyu always feels conflicted when Ritsuka talks about his family. He’s jealous because his parents are still together, and he has a sister, and they all seem functional and close but on the other hand? He doesn’t get the impression they’re as unconditionally accepting as Mafuyu’s mum is of him. “I’m happy you’re here anyway. Thank you for coming.”
“Of course.” Ritsuka looks at him all soft, but when Mafuyu returns the look he blushes and looks down. Mafuyu wants to touch him so bad, so he walks over and wraps his arms around him once again. He firmly presses his face into the crook of Ritsuka’s neck and breathes him in. He’s obsessed with the way he smells.
“You’re huggy today.”
“I just love you a lot.”
Ritsuka huffs, “I love you more.”
“Not possible.”
Ritsuka moves his hands to rake both of them through Mafuyu’s hair, lightly tugging on it to make Mafuyu look up at him. It makes Mafuyu feel small. He loves it a lot.
“Happy Christmas, Mafuyu.”
“Happy Christmas, Ritsuka.”
Mafuyu goes up on his tiptoes to place his lips against Ritsuka’s and Ritsuka kisses him back firmly, stroking his thumbs along Mafuyu’s jaw. He seems more confident today, and Mafuyu welcomes all of it. He changes every day, but the steady warmth at the centre stays the same. They kiss for a while, but separate before it gets too intense. Other things to do after all, and more and more these days Mafuyu is getting the sense that if they really start, they won’t stop.
Ritsuka gives Mafuyu a quick kiss on the tip of his nose before he steps away a little. Not so far as to release Mafuyu from his arms though. “Do you want to eat, or do you want your present first?”
“Present!”
Ritsuka laughs and lets him go and Mafuyu runs to his room to retrieve Ritsuka’s present. They reconvene on a sofa in the living room. Mafuyu hands Ritsuka a parcel, and Ritsuka hands Mafuyu an envelope. Mafuyu watches as Ritsuka unwraps it, not wanting to miss his reaction. It’s a small collection of things Mafuyu has found throughout the year that remind him of Ritsuka. A small cat keychain, a guitar pick that matches the blue of his eyes, some of the snacks that Mafuyu knows he hides under his bed. He knows Ritsuka doesn’t believe that Mafuyu cares about him as much as Ritsuka cares about Mafuyu, but he wants to prove it. I notice things about you. I care. The last thing in the parcel is a leopard print shirt.
Ritsuka raises his eyebrows as he holds it up, “Don’t you have one of these?”
“Yeah…I wanted us to match.”
He grins but looks down to try and hide it. The blush on his cheeks is even fiercer than normal. “I’m not sure it’ll suit me…but I’ll try. I guess it might be fun to match. Thank you. For all of it.”
Mafuyu grins back at him, even if he’s not ready to look up yet. He’s so cute.
“Anyway,” he mumbles, “open yours now.”
The envelope contains two smaller envelopes, which both contain CDs. They just say #1 and #2, and on the written on the envelopes in Ritsuka’s scratchy handwriting are lists of songs.
“See, I’m not so good at talking.” Mafuyu looks up from inspecting them, to find Ritsuka scratching his neck in the nervous way he does, “But I can do music, so these are all just songs that…remind me, of you, I guess? The first one is fast songs, and the second is slow ones.”
It’s so him? So thoughtful, so perfect, so personal, Mafuyu doesn’t really know what to do. He can’t wait to listen. To learn more about his boyfriend and all the feelings he can’t express.
“See I didn’t have much money and I’m sorry if—”
He stops talking when Mafuyu crawls over and sits in his lap, making a strange, strangled choking sound instead. Mafuyu ignores it and kisses him anyway, pulling him closer by a fistful of his t-shirt. Mafuyu isn’t really good at talking either, so this is the only thing he can think to do to convey how happy he is. I love you so much you don’t even know.
After a few minutes, Mafuyu calms down enough to release Ritsuka but now he’s panting slightly and his heart is racing. Ritsuka isn’t doing much better, he’s bright red to the tips of his ears and he releases an adorably shaky breath, “So you like it?”
Mafuyu bends forwards and releases a fit of giggles into Ritsuka’s chest, and he can feel as Ritsuka starts to chuckle too.
“Yeah, it’s alright.”
XX
The two boys sit entangled together on the sofa for many hours, full of leftover Christmas dinner and enjoying the rare opportunity to be alone together. They play with Tama and discuss lyrics to the new song they’ve been working on. They kiss. A lot. However, at some point the front door clicks and Ritsuka leaps away to the other side of the sofa. Before Mafuyu can even laugh at him, his mum walks in.
“I’m back! They let me leave early!” she sing-songs, before she spots Ritsuka on the couch, “Oh! Hello!”
“Welcome home!” Mafuyu sing-songs back, unperturbed, “This is Uenoyama Ritsuka, my boyfriend, I told you he was coming.”
“Oh yes! The famous Uenoyama-kun! Mafuyu has told me so much about you, it’s nice to finally meet you.”
Ritsuka stands up and bows awkwardly (so cute), “Hello Sato-san, it’s good to meet you too.”
“Oh, call me Ma-san, you don’t have to be so formal.” From her giggling, Mafuyu can tell she thinks he’s cute too, “Can I call you Ritsu-kun?”
“Oh, um, y-yeah?” he stammers,
“Brilliant! I’m gonna go get changed really quick but I’ll be back in just a sec.”
She disappears into her bedroom, and Mafuyu pulls on Ritsuka’s hand to get him to sit down again.
“I didn’t think your mum would be here tonight.” He sounds shell-shocked.
“She’s home earlier than I thought she would be, sorry. But you were gonna meet her at some point anyway.”
“But not today! I wanted to bring her flowers or something…”
“You’re so cute.” Mafuyu can’t help saying it.
“Don’t say that to me now! I’m already stressed!” He brings his hands up to slap his cheeks and Mafuyu has to try his hardest not to laugh at him. He wants to put his hand on his shoulder or something to try to comfort him, but he has a feeling that would just make it worse.
Ritsuka manages to collect himself before his mum walks back in, but only just. She settles down on the other sofa in her pyjamas and starts chatting, “Ritsu-kun! You’re the one who taught Mafuyu to play the guitar right?”
“Uh, y-yeah, I did.”
“He’s gotten so good so fast! And now he’s in your band! You must be so talented Ritsu-kun.”
“Oh no I wouldn’t say—”
“Don’t be silly. I’ve watched your performance videos so many times, even I can tell you’re amazing.” She’s trying her hardest to make him feel welcome, but compliments were never Ritsuka’s strong suit. He’s about as red as Mafuyu’s ever seen him.
“Oh…well, thank you Sa—I mean Ma-san.”
She smiles at him, but then suddenly sits up, “Ritsu-kun, can you play any Christmas songs?”
Ritsuka chuckles, embarrassed, “I can, but I’m sorry I didn’t bring my guitar.”
“Well, you can use Mafuyu’s, no?”
Something flickers in the side-glance Ritsuka quickly gives him. It’s a very familiar one, one of insecurity. Scared of overstepping boundaries. Boundaries that he’s made up in his head, not any that Mafuyu set himself.
Before Ritsuka can reply Mafuyu gets up and starts to walk to his bedroom, “Yeah he can use mine.”
Mafuyu returns in a few seconds and passes the guitar to Ritsuka, trying to reassure him using the brief moment their fingers brush against each other. He still looks worried, but his eyes are soft. He begins to check the tuning and Mafuyu notices that he holds Yuki’s guitar much more gently than he does his own. He treats his own guitar like an extension of his body, so he treats it roughly, whereas he holds Yuki’s guitar the same way he holds Mafuyu. Like it’s something precious. Mafuyu is truly shocked by the difference. He’s not so good at talking, but Ritsuka shows how much he cares in every single one of his actions. Mafuyu looks at Ritsuka, at how much he respects something owned by a dead boy he never knew, until he notices his mum looking at Ritsuka in the same way. They share a look between them and they both smile. He thinks his mum looks proud of him, and he can’t help feeling proud of himself too.
He finishes tuning and Mafuyu’s mum starts making requests, and somehow Ritsuka seems to know every one. Mafuyu wonders for what is probably the millionth time how much time Ritsuka has dedicated to music, and just how vast his musical knowledge is. Mafuyu and his mum start to sing along, with his mum taking the higher harmony and Mafuyu taking the main tune. It’s a thing they started to do when Mafuyu’s father went away and they moved house. Mafuyu’s mum started singing one day, and Mafuyu joined in. After this many years, they harmonise automatically. It surprises him how natural it feels to include Ritsuka in this ritual he and his mum have shared for so many years by themselves. The harmonisation of his two homes, his two greatest comforts. He’s glad also that his mum was the one who suggested it, and he’s happy to watch as Ritsuka relaxes. He isn’t unsure when he’s playing the guitar, it’s something he knows how to do without second-guessing. It’s as if his mum knew. Mafuyu is so grateful for her.
After some light kicking under the table from Mafuyu, Ritsuka begins to sing too. After Yuki’s song, he knows Ritsuka can sing but he barely ever lets Mafuyu hear it. He takes the tune along with Mafuyu, not advanced enough yet to try to harmonise. They sing together like that for a few songs, and the house feels livelier than it has in years. It’s almost like a family Christmas.
“Ritsu-kun,” Mafuyu’s mum giggles, “How do you know so many Christmas songs by heart?”
Ritsuka scratches his neck, “Ahh, my family make me play them every year when they get drunk. You sing much better than they do. I see where Mafuyu gets his voice, Ma-san.”
She giggles again, “Oh no, he’s much better than me. But will your family not miss you playing for them this year?”
“No I don’t think so, my sister brought her new boyfriend along so I think they’ll have fun terrorising him instead.”
“Oh dear, do you think they’ll do the same when they meet Mafuyu?”
She’s joking around, but Ritsuka visibly stiffens. His hands tighten around Yuki’s guitar, in a way that’s eerily similar to the way Mafuyu’s used to a few months ago.
He forces out a laugh, “Ahh well, I hope not.”
Mafuyu gets his emotional perceptiveness from his mother, so she noticed something was wrong with Ritsuka the second the words left her mouth. She also immediately guesses what the problem is.
“Do they not know yet sweetheart?” she says in her softest voice.
Ritsuka hands clench momentarily again at the term of endearment, but Mafuyu knows it’s not out of disgust. He just doesn’t know how to deal with affection. He might slowly be getting used to it from Mafuyu, but he still has a long way to go in regard to the rest of the world. Mafuyu doesn’t exactly know what made this soft boy start to reject any kind of love directed at him, but he thinks he might be getting to the core of the issue. His family, and the way he views his own identity.
“…not yet.” Ritsuka eventually mumbles, looking at the floor.
“Oh honey…” she reaches out and places her hand on his knee, “You don’t have to tell them until you’re ready. It’s a difficult thing to do, but if it ever gets too much you’re always welcome here. I’m so grateful for all you do for my son. And if you come round often enough maybe you’ll be able to take the lower harmony!”
Ritsuka makes a startled noise, looks at her, blushes, looks down, tries to speak again but Mafuyu’s mum just laughs and gets up.
“Do you boys want tea? I’m gonna have one then head to bed. Are you staying over Ritsu-kun?”
Ritsuka clears his throat, “Uh, yes please, if that’s oka—”
“Of course! Happy to have you!”
“We’ll have tea please, mum.” Mafuyu interrupts, before it becomes an endless back and forth of Ritsuka being overly polite and his mum desperately trying to reassure him.
As his mum makes the tea, Mafuyu thinks that her and Ritsuka share some qualities. The innate kindness and gentleness they both possess, especially regarding Mafuyu. He thinks that both of them probably have room enough in their hearts for the whole world. He shuffles a bit closer to Ritsuka, gently placing his hand on his, which is still clutching Yuki’s guitar a bit too tightly.
“Shit, sorry—” he says, quickly releasing his grip and letting Mafuyu take it from him, who sets it down on the floor.
“It’s fine, I’m not worried about the guitar.” Mafuyu places his hand on Ritsuka’s again, this time interweaving their fingers together. “Are you okay?”
He breathes out, “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Are you sure?”
He smiles a small smile, “Yeah…your mum’s pretty great.”
“Yeah, she is.” Mafuyu smiles back at him.
When Mafuyu’s mum comes back with their tea, Ritsuka’s hand flinches as if to let go of Mafuyu’s hand so she doesn’t see, but Mafuyu holds on tighter. He needs to learn it’s okay. It’s okay that he loves a boy, and people won’t reject him for it. He can’t guarantee that in Ritsuka’s own family, but Mafuyu certainly can in his.
They talk for a little while longer over their tea and then Mafuyu’s mum excuses herself to go to bed. As soon as she leaves the room, Ritsuka slumps into Mafuyu’s shoulder. Mafuyu immediately let’s go of his hand, instead bringing it over Ritsuka’s shoulders and pulling him into his side. He strokes the silky black hair and smells the familiar shampoo. It’s floral. It’s probably Yayoi’s, but this isn’t the time to ask.
“Are you really okay?” he asks instead,
“I’m really okay.” He mumbles into Mafuyu’s side, “It’s…nice being here. Comfortable.”
He thinks he knows what Ritsuka’s trying to say, “I told you my mum loved you.”
Mafuyu can feel him smile against him, “I think…I gonna tell my parents soon…about you, about me.”
Mafuyu breathes out, “…okay. You don’t have to though if you’re not ready—”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready, but I don’t want to feel like I’m hiding part of myself from them anymore.”
Mafuyu repositions them to cradle Ritsuka’s face in both of his hands. It’s a bit scratchier than the last time he visited, when Mafuyu was sick. He looks into his blue eyes and whispers, “You’re really brave.”
Ritsuka scoffs, but Mafuyu shuts him up by placing his lips on his. They’re softer than they used to be. Maybe Yayoi told him to start using lip balm. “You’re brave.” He whispers again, his eyes an inch away from Ritsuka’s. This time, Ritsuka just smiles and wraps his arms around Mafuyu’s neck. They hold each other for a little while, until Mafuyu asks, “Shall we go to bed?” into Ritsuka’s hair.
Ritsuka murmurs his agreement and lets go.
“Do you want to be little spoon then?” Mafuyu asks,
“Shut up.”
(He does)