Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kravitz doesn't know anyone here except Taako, and Taako is gone, cooking somewhere.

The BOB party is fine, but it's not like he can really do anything, can't join in the conversations or reminisce with old friends.

So he's ended up camping out by the punch bowl, serving punch awkwardly and staring blankly at the room.

About an hour into the party, a man wearing a bright green sweatshirt walks up to him.

"Who're you?" the man asks.

"Uh, Kravitz," Kravitz says, his voice sounding strangely low and quiet in the loud room. "I'm Taako's- partner."

"Another queer?" the man says, and Kravitz immediately feels the anger rise in him, because how dare this man judge him, how dare he pretend he's better then them, how dare he even assume that they're gay, because Kravitz didn't even say he was a dude, and if this man just assumed then-

But then the man grimaces and holds up a hand and speaks again. "Oh, fuck, that really didn't come out the way I thought it would. I promise I'm not homophobic, I was just making a stupid comment that I didn't think through. There's just a lot of us here."

"Oh," Kravitz says, finding it hard to slow down. "Uh."

"I'm Avi. He/him."

"I'm Krav- uh, you already knew that. Um."

"Pronouns?" Avi asks.

"Uh, he/him," Kravitz says. "A lot of us?"

"Yeah, like fifty percent of the BOB is queer in some way. Not going to name names, for obvious reasons, but."

"Oh," Kravitz says, wishing he could find more to say.

"We meet up every second Tuesday of the month, although before I can invite you-" he paused and looked up at the clock. "Shit, man, look at the time!"

Kravitz does. It's around five.

Avi gestures to his chest area. "I've been wearing this thing for way too long, think anyone would notice if I took it off?"

Kravitz's brain is working furiously, but he tries hard to keep his face and voice controlled. "Your binder?"

"Yeah, man," Avi says, and something in his tone is weird to Kravitz.

"Uh, probably not, but if you want I can lend you my jacket?" Kravitz has, stupidly, worn a suit to this office party.

Avi looks at him for a second, then grins. "You're cool, dude. I was trying to make sure you weren't, like, an asshole or anything."

Kravitz nods, a bit blindsided, and smiles.

"Next Tuesday, we're meeting. I'm sure the gang will love to get to know you," Avi says, and he walks away, leaving Kravitz to think.

Chapter Text

Kravitz understands he looks like a man. He knows that that was how he presented back in life, and how he was interpreted, and he knows that, logically, if he does nothing to change it that’s how he’ll look. And he’s okay with it. Looking like a man is how he wants to look, it’s how he feels comfortable.

What Kravitz doesn’t understand is why that has to mean people decide he is a man. Because he’s not. Never has been, presumably never will be. He’s just not anything, has never really understood it when people say they are a girl or a boy. It’s not important to him, and he wishes people would just stop. Stop looking at him and assuming “masculine” means man, stop calling him dude, stop making him into something he’s not just because once upon a time he chose suits instead of dresses.

He doesn’t want to be a girl either, and he doesn’t want to be non-binary. He wants to just be Kravitz, and he doesn’t understand why he has to choose something.

Kravitz understands that if he were to tell, say, Taako he wasn’t a boy, it would be fine. The problem is trying to work out how to convey that not only is he not a boy, he’s not anything. Also, he knows it would be very hard for anyone to think of him as not a man, given the fact that he’s never made any attempt to look any different from his normal state.

So he decides it’s not worth it. Still, it bugs him, mostly when Taako loudly introduces him as “my boyfriend”.

(That’s the other problem. Taako is a boy, and he likes boys, and if Kravitz isn’t a boy, Taako can’t like him.)

Kravitz lets it go on for almost a year, although that introduces another problem, one who by himself is a gift but does make the eventual “breaking up with Taako” that must occur much more difficult.

It’s Angus, and he quickly becomes one of Kravitz’s most valued people. So when one day he comes up to Kravitz with a worried look on his face, Kravitz knows he would do anything to avoid hurting him. (Including dealing with a certain low-level discomfort every time Angus says “mister”)

“Mister Kravitz?” Angus asks, looking slightly ashen. (The discomfort is much overshadowed by fear.)

“Yes, Angus?”

“Well, it’s only that I need to buy something and Taako is busy and the people I would usually go to for this kind of thing are all out and it’s kinda urgent and-” Angus says, explaining quite quickly. Kravitz notices he’s stimming energetically, and wonders what could be making him this anxious.

“Stop. Angus, what do you need?”

“Sorry, sir, I know we haven’t talked about this because you and Taako are cis but you know I’m trans?” Angus’s voice turns up into a squeak at the end, and he looks, understandably, like he is slightly ill.

“You don’t have to apologize,” Kravitz says, ignoring how bad being called sir makes him feel. “I didn’t, Angus, but thank you for telling me. What do you need?”

“Normally I would ask Avi, but he’s away, and I’m so sorry for bothering you,” Angus says, still stimming frantically in a way Kravitz recognizes as his “nervous stim”. (He had picked it up from Magnus, which Kravitz thought was very sweet.)

Kravitz reaches out, a questioning look on his face. Angus nods, and Kravitz gathers him close, hugging him tightly. After a beat, Kravitz can feel his hands still.

“Hey. Angus. You know I won’t yell at you or reject you, okay? What do you need? Whatever it is, you’re not a bother.”

Angus mutters something Kravitz can’t quite catch, and he sighs and pushes Angus away slightly so he can hear him. “What was that?”

“I need a binder,” Angus says, quietly and quickly. Kravitz pulls him back in, hugging him tight.

“Of course. Do you know where to get one?” Kravitz asks, trying to put as much of the unspoken “I accept you” into his words as possible.

“Avi says-” Angus begins, and then he makes a face.

“What?” Kravitz asks.

“I don’t want to out anyone,” Angus says, folding in on himself.

“Hey, little man, it’s okay. I know Avi’s trans. You’re okay,” Kravitz says, his heart pained by how cautious and careful Angus is all the time.

“Okay,” Angus says, taking a deep breath. “Avi says he gets his from a store on the ground, um, obviously, but I need someone to go with me and no one is around and I thought maybe you could take me because-”

“Of course,” Kravitz says, smiling. “When do you want to go? I need to schedule some time off from work, but I can do that easily.”

“I don’t want to be a bother, sir!” Angus says, and Kravitz melts a little.

“Listen to me, Ango mcMango, because you’re never a bother. Never ever ever,” he adds, squishing Angus’s cheeks.

“I’m thirteen, sir,” Angus says, but he’s smiling.

Kravitz does schedule time off, and it is a little hard, because the Raven Queen knows he’s also been taking a lot of time off for dates with Taako, but he manages. And it’s all worth it to see how confident Angus is when he comes out of the store, beaming and skipping and flapping his hands. Kravitz picks him up, to much protests.

“Sir!” Angus says, laughing.

“We have to get home somehow, right?” Kravitz says, and even the sir can’t sour his mood. He rips a portal back to the B.O.B, right to the quad where Killian and Carey are viciously dueling each other.

Angus runs towards them, and Kravitz wasn’t aware they were such good friends. From where he stands, he can see Killian high-fiving Angus and Carey bouncing up and down, clearly feeling restless. He grins and runs over.

“Nice suit, Ango!” Carey says loudly. (They might have gotten distracted, and they might have ended up buying Angus some new clothes as well.)

“Did you pick this out, mister fashion man?” Killian asks, gesturing at Angus as he preens.

This does make Kravitz a little uncomfortable, too many gender words in a row. He raises a hand to scratch the back of his neck awkwardly, and Angus side-eyes him. He thinks he’d better watch out, with the little detective around, and then he remembers what he was going to ask. “Uh, yeah. Have you seen Taako?”

“What, looking for your boyfriend, lover boy?” Carey asks teasingly, and Kraviz nods, the uncomfortable-ness deepening a bit.

“He’s over there,” Killian says, gesturing vaguely off to the side. “Come on, Angus, let’s go show Avi how cool you look!” she adds excitedly, and Carey immediately breaks into a run, Killian close behind dragging Angus, who’s still stimming excitedly.

Kravitz trudges off towards where Killian indicated, making sure to act happy until Angus was out of sight. He feels an itch, an urge to do something to ease the anxiety deep in his stomach. He knows that he basically has two options:

-Deal with the dysphoria, or

-Come out, but lose Taako

Kravitz wonders, though, if he’s being anxious about nothing and if there’s a possibility of a third option that means maybe he can keep Taako in a non-painful manner. Well, there’s only one way to find out. And I technically am the immortal in this relationship .

Taako is casting spells at a target, his face sweaty and impossibly attractive. He turns as Kravitz enters, firing one last volley off at the singed target as he does.

“Kravitz!” he says, looking delighted. “Thought you had work?”

“Angus needed me,” Kravitz says distractedly and perhaps a bit mysteriously. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, sure, anything in particular, my man?” Kravitz winces, and he doesn’t bother to hide it.

“You’re gay,” he starts, and then realizes it’s probably not the best way to start this conversation.

“Indeed, but I’m very confused as to where this is going. Don’t you know this?” Taako says, winking and walking closer to Kravitz.

“You’re a boy who likes boys, and you’re dating me,” Kravitz says, repeating himself while he tries to figure out what to say next.

“Is there a point to this, Krav?” Taako asks, resting his chin in his hands. His hair is fly-away, and Kravitz desperately wants to know that Taako isn’t going to leave him, because he wants to touch it.

“How much flexibility is there in that label?” Kravitz asks quickly, bracing himself. “How much room is there, hypothetically, for dating someone who isn’t exactly a boy.”

“I feel like you’re trying to tell me something,” Taako says, grinning, and Kravitz is both taken aback and not surprised at all, because how could Taako, twin sister Lup, wonderful wizard he is, ever reject him?

“Maybe,” Kravitz says.

“Tell me, then, because I am not a divination wizard,” Taako says.

“I… I know I present as a man, and use he/him and stuff, but I don’t really understand gender and I’m not comfortable being called a man,” Kravitz says, the touch of Taako’s hand on the back of his neck grounding him. “And I was scared to tell you because if I’m not a man, then you’re probably not attracted to me because-”

Taako interrupts him. “Ridiculous. Sure, I’m gay, but if you don’t exactly fit into man or women, then what’s a word to tell me if you’re hot? Which you are. Want me to stop calling you my boyfriend? Did you buy Angus a new suit?”

Kravitz is filled with an enormous sense of relief, and gratitude, and love. He’s also a bit blindsided by the change in topic. “Uh, yes to both. Being called a man or mister or sir is pretty dysphoria inducing, to be honest. And Angus needed some new things.”

“Will do, and yes, he did. Wait!” Taako says, looking worried. “Did you get him a binder?”

“Uh, maybe? Is that bad?”

“No, it’s great, loving the solidarity, but also fuck, because me and Magnus and Killian all independently got him one for Candlenights, so now he’s going to have four.”

Kravitz laughs. “I still don’t think that’s a bad thing, now he’ll have back-ups.”

“Ain’t that the truth, my wonderful datemate,” Taako murmurs, and he kisses Kravitz.

Chapter Text

It was much better, being out to Taako and knowing it was all okay there, because honestly probably fifty percent of the BOB was queer in some way, so Kravitz was pretty sure it was going to be okay.

Still, he had asked Taako to stick with all the "male" terms in public, because he was nothing if not cautious and he didn't feel like taking any chances yet.

It was strange, because the dysphoria was both more manageable and worse at the same time. The person who mattered to him most was using the right terms, but that somehow made the wrong terms hit a lot harder when they were used.

For example, he and Taako promised to take Angus to the menagerie, a sort of zoo combined with a circus that's in town. Taako wakes up next to him, turns over, and says "Hey, Kravitz, you ready to see the animals?"

Kravitz smiles. "Yeah. I hope Angus likes them."

"I think he will, as long as we make sure to stay away from anything too overwhelming, my du-" Taako stops. "I'm sorry, Krav, do you want me to stay away from dude?"

Kravitz nods, and smiles, and it feels so right.

They get up, and get dressed, and Taako stops by the door. "My wonderful joy friend, my perfect datemate, are we still sticking with boyfriend out there?"

Even just thinking about it makes Kravitz feel a little down, and the smile melts off his face. But he nods. He just doesn't feel like he needs that stress right now.

Taako puts a hand on his shoulder. "Okay. I'm sorry. I'll try to avoid it as much as possible.

Kravitz nods, and he's grateful, but he knows that he'll still be spending the day with Angus, with his sirs and his misters. "Thanks," he says, but his elated mood has entirely disappeared and now he just feels bad.

Taako comes and sits next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What's up?"

"I… nothing."

"Bullshit. What's really up, Krav?"

Kravitz puts his head in his hands and grimaces. "The dysphoria is really bad today, and I don't really want to be called sir all day."

Taako pulls his hands away and looks into his eyes. "Then tell Angus that you don't want to be called sir. You know he'll be okay with it."

"I don't want…" Kravitz trails off, knowing that no matter what he says next it will sound fake. "I don't want to deal with it. I don't want that stress."

Taako starts to speak, but stops and considers. "Krav, babe- is that okay?"

Kravitz considers, and then shakes his head. He doesn't know why that feels wrong, but it does, and he would just rather- not.

"Okay. Krav, I really don't want to push you or anything, since this is, you know, your choice. But I think that this is causing you a lot of stress not to be referred to the way you wan- need, and I think that this is making you really unhappy, and I don't like seeing you like that."

Kravitz starts to talk, but Taako gasps and interrupts him. "Krav, is this how you felt with me, every day?"

Kravitz thinks, and realizes that yes, it was, although he was more used to it. "I… kinda? I never felt great about it, but I had worse days and better days."

Taako looks sad. "I'm so sorry."

Kravitz smiles weakly. "It's not your fault."

"You don't have to come, you know. I can tell Angus you're not feeling well, and that can be that."

"I want to come, though."

"I can tell him that he shouldn't call you sir, and you don't have to explain."

Kravitz buries his face in his hands, and after a second he feels Taako hug him. "I just. I want him to know, I want everyone to know, but I also don't, you know?" Taako holds him closer.

"I know it's not the same, but I did have some relatives, when we were bouncing back and forth, that weren't exactly great about the fact that I'm gay."

Kravitz doesn't say anything, but he's grateful for the words. He knows time is ticking down, but he relaxes into Taako and they stay that way for almost three minutes.

"Taako?"

"Yeah?"

"I do want to tell him. I know it'll be okay, but don't… stay with me, okay?"

"Of course." Taako pulls Kravitz up, smoothing his shirt out. "You'll be okay."

Angus is waiting excitedly in the dining hall, talking to Magnus. 

"Hello sirs!" Angus says. Taako squeezes Kravitz's hand. "Magnus wants to come with us! And Carey and Killian and Avi and Lup and the whole gang!"

Kravitz feels his stomach drop, and all his conviction seems to have departed. "I, uh, yeah, sure. We need to go get more snacks, though." He grabs Taako and pulls him out the door, and then faceplants on Taako's shoulder.

"Krav, you still okay? Do you still want to do this?"

Kravitz just feels bad, now. That's the only way he can describe it. It feels like he ate some bad food, or like he hasn't slept on days, or a million other things that all generally fall under the category of bad .

He doesn't want to cry, but he also doesn't really know how to avoid it.

"I don't even know," he mumbles into Taako. "I guess, yeah. It's harder now though."

Taako hugs him again, and Kravitz realizes he's being unusually sensitive. "Okay, Krav, I'll go get more snacks and you can go-"

"Uh, no," Kravitz says. "I want you with me."

Taako winks and opens up his bag, revealing an abundance of snacks. "Okay, great, because I did actually make too much and I didn't want to tell you, so…"

Kravitz smiles weakly, and he and Taako walk back into the room.

"Snacks achieved," Taako says, and then he lets out an "oof" when Angus hugs him, and a "ow, get off me, you brute," when Magnus does.

The group begins to make their way off the base, and Kravitz wonders how Taako has so many friends, because it's impossible to talk to all of them at once.

He can't tell if it's better to do it, to come out, separately or to get it over with, but he doesn't have a choice. He starts with Magnus, for pretty much no reason.

"What's up, my dude?" Magnus asks as Kravitz walks next to him.

"What's up is not calling me dude, uh, please," Kravitz says and then realizes it sounds much less cool when said aloud and not in his head.

"Okay," Magnus says, although he sounds very confused.

"I'm sorry," Kravitz says, and it's horrible awkward but also somehow better than he thought. "I… it sounded cooler in my head. I don't… I'm not comfortable with anything that implies I'm a man. Because…"

"Because you're not?" Magnus asks.

"I, uh, yeah. Very much not. But I'm not a woman either. I'm just Kravitz. Uh, but he/him is still okay." Kravitz doesn't want to think about the fact that he/him is okay, not great .

Magnus nods, and drifts away, leaving Angus in his place. Kravitz sighs, and prepares to do it all over again.

"Angus," Kravitz says, not wanting to wait for Angus to say hello because it would certainly contain another sir. "Please don't call me sir or mister. I'm not a man."

Angus stares up at him, then nods. "Do you want me to still use he/him?"

Kravitz nods. Angus nods back, and then steps closer conspiratorially. "Also?"

"Yes, Ango?"

"Your binder is the best one I got," Angus says, and then he skips away.

Kravitz comes out again, and again and again and again, until he's certain everyone knows.

When they get to the menagerie, the ticket seller compliments Taako on his "wonderful partner" when Kravitz holds the door open for everyone, and it makes him feel good .

Angus grabs his hand and says "Look, Mx. Kravitz, they've got lions!" and Kravitz wonders why he didn't do this sooner, because it's the most wonderful feeling in the world to be free of all the assumptions and roles and everything.