Work Text:
“Have no plans for Christmas?”
Juyeon could not avoid the young blonde roommate of his who was hugging his knees on his bed. His name was Eric Son, a guy who lived in America but went to South Korea for university. He was an Engineering major, just like Juyeon, and was a complete neat freak, but Juyeon did not mind that. Actually, he appreciated how clean Eric was. He kept the dorm squeaky clean and he wasn’t afraid to tell of the older dormmates they had.
“Yeah,” Eric said in a quiet tone. This was rather unusual for Eric, Juyeon noted in his mind, that he had no energy.
“What’s wrong?” Juyeon sat at the foot of Eric’s bed,” No plans of going back to America?”
“I can’t. That’s really expensive so I guess I have to stay here for Christmas break.”
“But everyone will go back to their families,” Juyeon sounded concerned. Well, he was. Eric looked like he was about to break down. Of course, living thousands of kilometers from one’s family was always difficult, especially for Eric. It was his first time to move out from the Son household. It was his first Christmas without his family too.
“That means I have the dorm all to myself,” Eric whispered,” A dream come true.”
“How so?”
“I can throw my own Christmas party and invite people like me,” Eric answered,” Like me, I mean, people who can’t go back home.”
“Hmm,” Juyeon looked at the ceiling. It hurt him seeing Eric like this. He was this sad during Chuseok break too. Juyeon suddenly thought of an idea.
“How about spending Christmas with me?” He offered. Eric peeked from his fetus position and raised an eyebrow at his roommate.
“With you? Won’t you go home?”
“Exactly!” Juyeon clasped his hands as he turned to the blonde,” I’m sure my parents would love you! I’ve told them about you before. I can ask my mom about it but I’m sure they’ll agree to have you with us for Christmas break.”
“No, hyung,” Eric shook his head,” I can’t be that imposing on you. And I can’t just intrude into your home.”
“Oh, trust me,” Juyeon pulled Eric up,” It’ll be fine. I’m with you on this.”
Eric looked unsure about it but with how Juyeon’s eyes sparkled, he couldn’t simply reject his offer. The younger glanced at Juyeon before replying with a slow nod.
“Then pack up! We have to catch the bus early tomorrow.”
And since then, Eric had been a staple in the Lee family’s Christmas. Even after graduating from university, Juyeon would always invite Eric to come and he always did. Seven years did not make a difference and Juyeon was glad it didn’t. He always looked forward to Eric’s visits. Eric was full of sunshine in more ways than one after all. He would always be filled with youthful awe about Christmas. Sometimes, Juyeon forgot the magic of Christmas. Only when Eric arrives does he remember it all.
“I’m on my way there now,” Juyeon smiled as he heard Eric’s voice. This year was not any different. He was about to spend time with Eric. He was excited to joke around and play video games with him. Juyeon could not believe how fast his heart was beating as Eric told him where he was. But there it was. Juyeon felt like an excited dog, knowing his master was about to arrive home.
“Juju!” Juyeon’s mother called out,” Can you help me in the kitchen? Your father and brother are out for groceries.”
“Alright, mom!” Juyeon shouted back as he sat up from his bed. There was a skip in every step he took towards the kitchen. He just cannot believe he could see Eric again after how many months. He was also excited to give Eric his birthday gift for him. Eric’s birthday was on the 22nd after all, just two days before Christmas eve. Yes, he did buy a separate gift for Eric just for his birthday. Eric did send him one for his months prior.
“Ah, hyung,” Eric poked Juyeon’s shoulder,” I have requirements to pass next week. You plan on going home this Saturday right?”
“I can wait for you,” Juyeon said as he scrolled on his phone,” I mean, I have nothing else to do at home. Nothing’s really fun.”
“Really?” Eric looked hopeful,” Are you sure you want to wait for me?”
“Mhm, why not?” Juyeon ruffled Eric’s hair,” I can always wait for my favorite dongsaeng.”
“I’ll pay you back for this, hyung,” Eric promised,” I’m really thankful to you and your family for welcoming me like this.”
“Anything for you, Eric,” Juyeon smiled. For the first time in his life, he felt like he wanted to keep Eric all to himself. Eric’s smile was everything to Juyeon at that point. Almost two years of knowing Eric made Juyeon slowly fall in love with him. It only took time before his feelings would explode. He was hoping he could tell Eric his feelings this Christmas, while they were in his room. And he was wishing inside his heart that Eric reciprocated his feelings.
“Juyeon-ah.”
Juyeon turned his head to see his father carrying paper bags into their home. He rushed to help the older man, forcing Mr. Lee to give the groceries to him.
“Where’s hyung?” Juyeon asked as he settled the paper bags on the kitchen counter,” I thought he was with you?”
“Oh, he was,” Mr. Lee grabbed a glass cup by the sink and filled it with water,” But there was some kind of emergency at work? He said he’ll try to go home before dinner.”
“Speaking of dinner,” Mrs. Lee turned to Juyeon,” Will Eric come? I miss that boy so much.”
“Yeah,” Juyeon smiled,” He will. As always.”
“We should adopt that boy already,” Mr. Lee commented,” He’s basically a part of our family.”
“Hyung,” Eric played with Juyeon’s hands,” Is it already alright that I’m here with your family?”
“Of course, it is,” Juyeon said,” My parents love you.”
“Your brother doesn’t,” Eric frowned,” Did you see how he glared at me earlier?”
“Hyung just lacked sleep. Don’t worry about him.”
“I can’t not worry,” the younger frowned,” He is still your family.”
“And you are part of mine too. It’s already your third Christmas here, silly.”
“Still,” Eric closed Juyeon’s hand into a fist,” It’s still sad that he doesn’t like me.”
“It’s the first time he met you,” Juyeon cooed,” Don’t worry about it. You’ll grow on him.”
“I hope, hyung.”
The doorbell rang and when Juyeon opened it, he immediately enveloped Eric in a tight hug. Had it been months since he last saw his love? He was not sure. He only knew that he missed him so.
“Hyung,” Eric sweetly said as he smiled at Juyeon,” I missed you.”
“I missed you too, Eric,” Juyeon smiled. He felt his heart flutter with only something simple as Eric’s smile. He wanted to hold Eric for a longer time, but he knew his parents would grow suspicious if he hogged Eric to himself. As if it was something new. Eric always hung around Juyeon’s room during Christmas. They spent the most time together.
“Your brother said he’ll be here before dinner,” Eric said as he slipped himself out of Juyeon’s embrace,” And he said he has surprise news for everyone.”
Juyeon tilted his head. What surprise could he be talking about? The oldest Lee brother was always as transparent as anyone in the family. He never kept the news to himself. As soon as he had news, he always shared it on their family group chat. Juyeon wondered what made the news that night any different.
Five Christmases.
It had been five years since Eric started going to the Lee family for Christmas. Five years since Juyeon first invited him. Five years since…
Five years of loving Eric without telling him.
Juyeon knew he should tell Eric sooner or later, but how could he? He did not want to endanger the friendship he had with the younger. He did want Eric to slip from his fingertips. He wanted to stay by Eric’s side, even if it meant keeping his feelings as a secret.
Even if it pained Juyeon to do so, he had to, for these past years, he had to. He did not want to risk Eric. He did not want to lose him. He was so desperate to keep Eric by his side that he kept himself from exploding.
It was Eric’s fifth Christmas with the Lee family but something felt off.
Juyeon eyed Hyunjae, his older brother, and Eric. There was something different but Juyeon did not the guts to ask about it. Maybe because they have been getting along recently that it felt off for him. He was sure that there was nothing more.
Nothing more…
“I’m dating, Eric,” Hyunjae said out of the blue. Mrs. Lee clapped her hands out of happiness.
“Is that true, sweeties?” She asked. Juyeon wished Eric would shake his head, but instead, he nodded.
“How long...?” Juyeon tried looking like he was happy for them,” I thought you didn’t like him, hyung.”
“A lot can happen within a year,” Hyunjae said with a wide smile on his face. Juyeon wanted to wipe it off, erase Hyunjae’s face completely. Everything crashed down on him.
Hyunjae… His brother? Was dating the man he was in love with for the past years?
“Juju, sweetie, are you okay?” Mrs. Lee asked when she noticed that Juyeon dazed out during their dinner.
“I…” Juyeon showed her a smile,” I’m fine, mom. Ya, hyung and Eric, I’m a great matchmaker, aren’t I? I made you two meet.”
“And I will always be grateful for that, hyung,” Eric said as he put his hand on Juyeon’s lap,” You’re the best friend a person could ask for.”
Friend.
Huh.
Juyeon felt like he could not breathe. He felt like Eric and Hyunjae were holding on his neck, like they were strangling his heart. Juyeon wanted to storm out of the room, to sort out his feelings, but he knew it would only make him look suspicious.
He did not want anyone to know of this.
Of his unrequited feelings for his best friend.
And his brother’s boyfriend.
“Merry Christmas, Juju!” Hyunjae said as he hugged his little brother,” It’s been a year since we last saw each other.”
“I’ve been busy, hyung,” Juyeon said as he hugged back,” I did not miss you at all.”
“How cold,” Hyunjae chuckled, loosening his grip,” I just arrived in time?”
“Yeah, it is 11:50 so,” Juyeon glanced at the clock,” Just in time.”
“Is Eric here already?” Hyunjae asked. Juyeon flinched but he nodded.
“He’s in the dining room,” he answered,” We were all waiting for you.”
“As always,” Hyunjae whistled, walking past Juyeon and going straight to the room where his boyfriend was.
Juyeon stared at their front door, where Hyunjae was just a moment ago. Would it be weird if Juyeon ran out there? Of course, it would. He was supposed to be in the dining room, with his family, with Eric, to eat Christmas eve dinner, but he did not feel like it.
He loved Christmas and hated it so much. He loved seeing Eric’s smile. He loved spending time with his family. He loved the positivity Christmas brought into his life, but Christmas also spelled watching Eric and Hyunjae become the sweetest couple on earth. It meant facing the truth that the smile on Eric’s lips was not because of Juyeon. It meant accepting the truth that his brother, the person he looked up to, stole the love of his life away from him.
Juyeon closed the door and returned to the dining room. He saw his parents chatting happily with Eric. Hyunjae was, Juyeon guessed, warming himself up while this was happening. Juyeon sat beside Eric and tried joining into the conversation.
“I want to spend every Christmas here,” Eric said,” Forever.”
“You can, you know,” Mr. Lee chuckled,” You are dating Hyunjae.”
“That means marriage,” Mrs. Lee said in a sickeningly sweet tone. Juyeon regretted sitting down with them at that moment.
“Marriage,” Eric said in a wistful tone,” I would love that someday.”
“With hyung?” Juyeon said. He knew if Eric answered it, Juyeon’s heart would be crushed but he did not care at that point. Every Christmas was like this after all. All Juyeon wished was they break up or something… That an opportunity would spring up that he could steal Eric away.
It was selfish. Evil even, to wish for an end of a relationship, but Juyeon was desperate.
“Merry Christmas,” Hyunjae greeted as he entered the room. He headed to his parents and paid his respects before patting Juyeon’s head and giving Eric a peck on the cheek.
“So are we all ready to eat?” Mrs. Lee asked as she looked at everyone in the room.
“Before that,” Hyunjae said, smiling at Eric,” I have something to say.”
‘You don’t,’ Juyeon thought. He guessed what it meant. It was Christmas. Eric seemed to be more eager to be there more than ever if that was possible. Juyeon could notice a box in Hyunjae’s pocket.
Things fell into place. Juyeon understood what Hyunjae’s big news was.
“I proposed to Eric earlier,” Hyunjae said with a wide smile as he glanced at Eric,” and he said yes!”
Applause erupted from the Lee parents but Juyeon only stared at them in silence. If they were thinking about marriage, Juyeon should forget about breaking them up. It was impossible. He felt a sting in his chest. It ached for Eric but at that moment, he knew he could never be able to reach for that craving.
“Thanks, Juyeon, for letting me meet your brother,” Eric said as he put his hand on Juyeon’s lap. Eric’s eyes were sincere. They were full of love. Juyeon just wished it were for him.
Juyeon inhaled sharply before forcing a smile on his lips.
‘I regret ever making you two meet,’ Juyeon wanted to say but he stopped himself. He reminded himself that he was doing everything for Eric’s happiness.
Eric’s happiness.
Even if it meant suffering in his stead.
“Congrats,” he managed to blurt out, even though he wanted to curse to the heavens, but that would ruin the mood. That would only push Eric away from Juyeon and he knew he did not want that. He had to suffer in silence. In the merry-making, Juyeon felt empty, because he did not get what was there to be happy about. Proposals were supposed to be a happy thing. Christmases too.
But slowly, Juyeon grew to think of them as the sources for his despair.
Christmases, for Juyeon, were not a season of merry-making.
Of happiness.
Christmas was the season of regret.
Of heartbreak.
But what never changed for Juyeon, as he watched Eric show his engagement ring to his mom, was that Christmas would always be the season of Eric. Even if it was filled with irony, with conflicting feelings of sadness and happiness, it was his season.
‘As quick as the snow melts, that was our love story. It ended before it started. But you will always be here… even if you’re in his arms for next Christmases to come.’