Work Text:
Inspired by various creepy traditions that can also be found here.
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Clint had decided that if Tony was going to insist on combining every single kitschy Christmas tradition in the Tower that he’d contribute too. In his own way. Nat had blinked, waited for the punchline, and then (because she was the best best friend ever), laughed and insisted she get to help. JARVIS hadn’t questioned their long and admittedly rather insane shopping list either. The AI had, instead, been sworn to secrecy about it. The plan was five days of creepy mayhem, the fifth being Christmas Day. Clint just hoped they could pull it off.
Mari Lwyd
Nat finished up the flower rosettes she’d insisted on hand making and Clint was checking that the horse's skull was firmly attached to the pole. Really, he was never, ever going to question JARVIS’ ability to procure even the most oddball items ever again. He grabbed the sheet and had it attached before Nat handed over the flowers, ribbons, and bells on strings.
“You’re supposed to wear this and challenge people to rhyming battles and take all their alcohol and food if you win,” Nat said wryly.
“I know, but this will have to do. Thor might smack me with Mjölinir if it freaks out Jane and Darcy. So, this is safer.”
She snickered, handing over the motion-sensor speaker thing that JARVIS supplied. It would sing the traditional rhymes in Welsh for added effect. They were going to set it up in the corner of the communal area near the tree to surprise their unexpected pseudo family in the morning.
“You’re lucky I have a soft spot for menaces.” She muttered as they maneuvered their creation into the elevator. JARVIS had promised to record everyone’s reactions and at least try to stop any attempts to destroy it.
Clint grinned, reaching up to adjust his Jack Skellington themed Santa hat. “Aww, you do love me.”
“I said that.”
--**--
Clint dragged himself out of bed and was comfortably curled up on the couch with coffee before anyone else was down to the communal floor for the day. He wasn’t about to miss this. He was a pot and a half in when Darcy wandered in.
“ Wel dyma ni'n dwad. Gyfeillion diniwad ,” the Mari Lwyd all but sang.
Darcy whirled, wide-eyed. Her shriek caused all sorts of feedback in his aids, and Clint felt momentarily sorry. Only momentarily though. She finally calmed and pointed at him, pouting now. “Not nice!”
He motioned her over, still snickering. “Will you forgive me if I share my coffee?”
She was sitting next to him, still pouting, but also giggling when Bucky wandered in a few minutes later and Darcy started snickering in anticipation. Clint was trying not to or else the surprise would be ruined.
Clint watched as the song began again. Bucky jumped (Clint would have JARVIS measure just how far because damn that was an impressive height) and stomped over once he was back on the ground. “You are a fucking menace!”
Clint’s coffee had spilled all over his hoodie, but he was laughing too hard to complain about it. Or mention that Bucky didn’t look as pissed off as he had moments ago. What it did, though, was encourage him to up his menace game.
Tony was next and wow, his shriek was given three resounding 10’s. Because, of course, Bucky was sitting with him and Darcy, eagerly watching the door too.
“Am I keeping score?” JARVIS asked in a tone too sassy for an AI.
Even Tony joined in on the chorus of, “Yes!”
They all decided Steve's shriek and jump won that day.
Julboken
“Gimme the doll.”
He blew her a kiss and grabbed the bag with the cutest collection of goat stuffed animals Clint had ever seen. He slid the box with the doll, complete with traditional Nordic clothing, across the counter. It was for the main display for the communal floor to go along with the largest stuffed goat Clint had ever seen. He wasn’t about to not go overboard. Hmf. “This one is more cute than menacing, so I get points for that right?”
“I suppose. Are we really going to leave these outside of everyone’s doors?”
“Mmm hmm,” he muttered, untangling the ribbon with bells they’d managed to track down at a shop in the garment district. Okay, JARVIS had sourced it but told them to go pick it up as the shop was too busy to do deliveries. “Come on, Nat. You know Darcy will love us forever for it.”
“You’re still trying to get her to forgive you for the glitter incident and now the nearly pee her pants fear.”
He winced. Next time he'll set up a remote detonator. “Hey! You promised to never speak of the glitter thing again. It wasn’t my fault she wandered in before Tony for the first time in ever.”
“She still had to take a spin in the decontamination chamber, Clinton Francis.”
He pouted, sorting through to find the cutest goat. He focused on decking it out in ribbons and bells and a tiny little hat. He repeated the decorating for each person, making each one unique.
They tiptoed through the Tower, JARVIS their long suffering lookout, and left the presents for everyone. Then they set up the Clint-size Goat and child doll next to Mari Lwyd (which only stayed up because he’d been convinced to turn off the speaker). He couldn’t wait to see their reactions. Also, he was hoping poor Darcy would like this one better than yesterday. Thor’s threats of grievous bodily harm didn’t hold a candle to Jane’s though. He shuddered at that memory. If he were honest with himself - sometimes he was - it wasn’t Darcy he was doing this whole thing for. But, examining that too closely wasn’t on his agenda for the day. Nope.
--**--
His Santa hat of the day had reindeer antlers and played Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with a flip of the switch. His coffee mug matched because Nat was awesome. This whole getting up early was rough, but he liked seeing the reactions real time as well as having the videos.
Tony warily inched into the room. “What does it do?”
Clint smiled, looking as innocent as possible just to fuck with Tony. “Looks cute? I mean, they are supposed to be made of straw, but I thought the stuffed ones were too cute to pass up on.”
Tony eyed him as he made his way over to what was quickly becoming a display. “Is this a contest, Merida?”
“A contest?”
“Hmm. I decked the halls in spectacular ways and then you do this. So, contest?”
If it was, Clint wasn’t about to admit it. So, he went with a sorta truth. “You used Christmas and Hanukkah decorations, Tony. You didn’t touch what came before all of those. So I did.”
Darcy was a whirlwind of color and bells. Ha! She had a bright red Santa hat covered in bells on when she rushed over, her goat in hand, and gave him a smacking kiss on the lips. “It is so cute!”
Clint sputtered. He blushed. He stammered. “Darcy! No! Down.”
She cackled. There was just no other word for it. “Had to. Proper thanks and all that.”
Tony grinned. “JARVIS, you got that, right? Tell me you got that?”
“Indeed.”
Clint was still trying to figure out what the fuck to do with Darcy kissing him when Steve wandered in, smiling and actually patting the large goat on his way past. “I put mine under my tree, Clint. Thanks.”
“Welcome!” Clint was busy panicking over eww kissing Darcy, that he almost missed Bucky’s entrance. He blinked. Then he grinned. He kept grinning all day long. Ha! Bucky’s reaction was his favorite - okay maybe he’s a bit biased. The human version of grumpy cat proceeded to carry the damn goat around everywhere with him all day long, the murder glare stopping anyone from commenting on it.
Ukrainian spider tree
Nat’s utter glee was a gift enough for Clint. She’d even hand painted all of the ceramic spider ornaments (he wasn’t going to mention how many of them ended up black widow spiders, really he wasn't). Clint had fun (though he wasn’t ever going to live down his impeccable sewing skills he feared) sewing together the fabric spiders. Etsy had provided lace webs and hand knit garland that sparkled. On top of that, everyone had a personalized ornament they could have once the holidays were over. Those were gonna be hidden on the tree to be found later.
They stayed up until 3am setting the tree up directly opposite of the Avenger themed one Tony had professionally done in the communal area. Halloween “cobweb” stuff had been the first to go on after the tiny golden lights. Then the sparkly garland, webs, and finally all the assorted spider ornaments.
Bucky stumbled in just as they were finishing up, he looked like he’d had a bad night so Clint started coffee, his Santa hat of the day precariously perched on his head. The other man did the slow blink thing, looking from his Now I have a machine gun, Ho Ho Ho Die Hard themed hat to their tree.
“I. That. What?”
Clint just laughed, pouring them both coffee and handing over the mug to the adorably confused man. “My hat or the tree?”
“Both? Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with both. That can’t be a real tradition.” He paused, downing half the coffee in one go. “And Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie.”
“Aww, Buck, no. Mean.” Eyes wide, Clint worked up his most outraged expression. “It is too! It’s a Ukrainian thing. And yes, Die Hard is the best Christmas movie. You keep up blasphemy like that and I’ll not share my candy anymore.”
“I could steal all your candy.”
Nat waved and ducked out almost asleep on her feet. Clint finished his coffee, wondering if it was only him that was flirting. Probably, he decided.
Clint focused back on Bucky, ignoring the sad truth that the other man was so far out of his league that Clint didn’t even register on his radar. “ That’s how you get a visit from Krampus.”
Bucky looked momentarily concerned. “You wouldn’t dare.”
Clint set his empty cup down and hurried out, calling over his shoulder, “I would. Doesn’t mean I will. Behave and you won’t find out.”
“You menace!”
As the elevator doors closed, Clint grinned maniacally. “Compliments get you everywhere.”
As he fell asleep, Clint couldn't help but wonder if he’d truly seen the ‘challenge accepted’ look or if it was just his overactive imagination. The usually quiet part of his mind reminded him it was the season of miracles. He grumpily shut down that stupid train of thought.
Perchda
“She is not Krampus,” Clint protested.
Nat didn’t look convinced. “She’s responsible for him. Isn’t it Perchda that sends him out to scare kids?”
They were setting up the (okay so she was more than a bit terrifying) Perchda mannequin/life size doll thing next to the Yule Goat at 4 am. In his defense, they had to wait until everyone was sound asleep again. Ugh, he was sleeping all day, every day from Christmas to New Years. It was a blast doing this, but he was not getting his allotted amount of sleep. He’d almost forgotten to grab his Santa hat of the day (purple with elf ears) in his sleep deprived state. Clint yawned as they wrestled with the grandma clothes and wig. The mask - and yeah JARVIS had promised not to tell that he’d maybe, a little bit freaked out pulling it out of the shipping box - was Nat’s job. “She also rewards hard-working people, Nat!”
“I had the bots deliver the gifts this time.”
Clint could only nod. He was too tired to trek through the Tower again. He crouched down, again not questioning where or how JARVIS found a giant goose foot, and secured it in place under the long skirts. Nat busied herself with the broom. He slowly stood, smiling. “I think she’s done?”
“Yes. Go and sleep. We both need it.”
If they leant on one another as they made their way across the large room to the elevator, neither were going to comment on it. He stumbled into his apartment and directly to bed, barely functioning enough to take out his aids or remove the hat before falling into a deep sleep.
Jólakötturinn (Icelandic Yule cat) & Grýla and the Yule Lads
Christmas Day
Clint was still salty about missing everyone's reactions to the day before yesterday's creation as he and Nat ghosted around the Tower, checking the motion activated projectors. JARVIS was willing to make sure none were sabotaged, but left placement up to them. The plan was that the giant black cat would follow people around like a shadow all day yesterday and then the stuffed version showed up today.
They also placed Yule Lads throughout the Tower getting up to mischief, each with a small basket of candy (one candy for each person). Clint hadn’t argued when Nat called them ancient versions of Elf of the Shelf. “The videos aren’t enough, Nat! I missed scoring them real time. Plus, we missed a day and now have two days worth!”
“Bucky and Darcy were front and center for it all,” she retorted, tucking one of the Yule Lad dolls on the top of the kitchen cabinets. This one had a bucket in hand, the glitter he was dumping was solid though. Clint had initially wanted him motion activated but sanity (and fear of Jane) prevailed. “You needed the sleep, Clint! I wasn’t about to do this without you. I know you’re having fun.”
He adjusted the snow leopard size black cat stuffed animal at the feet of G rýla , the Icelandic giantess who ate children, pouting all the while. “I planned on sleeping from the 26th to the 31st, Nat. Ruin my fun.”
She passed him by, a Yule Lad tucked in her arm, patting him on his jauntily perched (okay sleepily thrown on) hat of the day. This one was a gift from Nat - hand knit to look like a tree, complete with tiny little ornaments and a star on top instead of a bobble. Clint loved the hat. He was gonna have to find reasons to wear it that weren’t ‘it’s Christmas Eve’. Technically, it was still Christmas Eve for twenty more minutes even if he’d slept through most of it. “You still need sleep. We both do. In less than six hours, Tony is going to be waking everyone up for gifts.”
Clint grinned. “Aww, gifts, yay!”
She smirked. “Indeed. JARVIS delivered the First Annual ‘Yule Lads Scavenger Hunt’ cards to everyone's doors in the baskets for their candy. All we have to do is finish hiding them. That is if you’ve got our terrifying portion of the day's festivities done?”
He stood, nodding sleepily. “She and Perchda look good side-by-side.”
Nat dragged him out, basket of remaining four Yule Lads and accompanying decorations swinging merrily on her other arm. “I don’t even want to think about next year. Tony is going to see this as a challenge accepted sort of thing.”
“Not missing a day next year.” Clint yawned, pointing in the vague direction of the windows near the elevator. “One Lad should be rappelling down the curtain with stolen tinsel and an ornament, but mostly hidden, ya know?”
She propped him up against the wall and set up the scene before eyeing him with one of her all knowing looks. “Come on. Let’s get you to sleep. I swear on my life that I won’t let you sleep through gift giving.”
“We have three more Lads to hide,” he said around a yawn.
“I do. You are going to bed.”
Clint didn’t have the energy to argue.
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He was mostly awake. Thank you, Nat, for showing up twenty minutes before Tony’s Tower-wide blaring of David Bowie and Bing Crosby’s Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth . Clint had happily turned his aids right back off. Yeah, nope. Even Bowie hated that fucking song! Ugh. She rolled her eyes and kept refilling his coffee cup, signing that the song had changed. He warily turned his aids back on and was only mildly irritated that Tony had outdone him on finding the most annoying Christmas songs of all time and was clearly happy to pipe them through the Tower on repeat. Okay, he was jealous he’d not thought of it first.
But, he’d managed two pots of coffee before they were due in front of the tree. The Avengers one, not their spider one. He pulled on the awesome Jack Frost hoodie Nat gifted him with and then the matching Santa hat. She’d gone all out, even the pajama pants were brown and mimicked the character's costume. Clint liked it not just because he loved the character, but because it meant he didn’t have to hunt down shoes or socks.
“ Best best friend ever,” he muttered, blearily following along after her, the matching Jack Frost travel cup clutched in his hands.
Dressed in her Tooth- themed hoodie and Santa hat, Nat side-eyed him. “Don’t you forget it either.”
Darcy and Jane all but pounced on them the minute they left the elevator.
“The shadow cat and the giant scary lady are super creepy, but the cute Lads with their candy treats make up for it!” Darcy said, kissing both his cheek and Nat’s.
Still not quite awake, Clint nearly fell over when Jane kissed his cheek. “You’re forgiven. Now, I have five Lads to find. I plan on winning whatever grand prize you two came up with.”
“Too late.”
Clint might have jumped. Just a tiny bit. Bucky stepped around him, card in hand. “Found them all. Ate all the candy too.”
“All of it?” Nat asked silkily, just a hint of threat in her tone.
Bucky paled. “One from each, jeez! I read the note and followed your rules. It’s Christmas, no death glares allowed on Christmas!”
Clint snickered. “Aww, Buck, no. Doesn’t work that way. At all.”
Planted firmly between Clint and the presents, Bucky grinned cheekily. “What’s my prize?”
Before Clint could explain about the basket of goodies he and Nat had put together, Nat got that look on her face that never meant anything good for Clint. “Tickets to the ballet and dinner at that fancy place we have to make Tony sweet talk the owner for reservations.” She paused, grinning now. “With Clint.”
He nearly dropped his travel cup when Bucky’s eyes lit with glee before the other man turned and walked over to the gathered people as if he’d not just sent Clint’s whole world askew. “I knew it would be worth it.”
Clint was still standing there, wide-eyed and completely flummoxed when Tony called for everyone to gather around the tree. Nat led him over and sat him down, still looking smug. He hadn’t had enough coffee or sleep for this.
--**--
Bucky gets Clint with: Schnabelperchten
Boxing Day
Clint stumbled out of the elevator at nearly noon the day after Christmas. He’d been planning on sleeping, but hunger had driven him out of his apartment. Rubbing his eyes, he barely registered the soft, “Ga ga ga.”
Figuring it was his aids acting up, he aimed straight for the coffee he could smell brewing. He was not expecting to come face to face with a skeletal bird faced thing . In his defense (and later he would disavow all knowledge of the next set of events despite JARVIS having footage), Clint had only clung to the nearest person out of genuine fear for his damn life. If he climbed Bucky like a tree and then scooted himself around so he was hiding and clinging, well it was for a damn good reason. That was his story and he was sticking to it. The fact that he was probably blushing bright ass red was a problem for Future Clint. Current Clint was too terrified.
As it was, Clint could barely hear himself think over the loud cackles, guffaws, and other loud sounds of amusement at his expense. Everyone currently in the Tower had shown up for this. Hmf. Peeking over Bucky’s shoulder, Clint took in the - not that he’d admit it later - rather spectacular rendition of the Schnabelperchten complete with knitted clothes and enormous pair of very sharp looking scissors.
Bucky snickered, patting his legs that somehow, Clint was hazy on the details, managed to wrap themselves around the shorter man’s waist. “Is your apartment clean?”
Clint may have whimpered. Yelped? Like he’d had time to clean with all the things he’d been busy with the past week! “Oh shit! Not nice.”
“I thought she was fitting payback for the Krampus threat, actually.”
Nat took pity on him. “Let’s get you coffee, hmm?”
“Make it go away?”
“I’ll protect you.” Bucky walked them towards the kitchen.
Clint was suspicious despite the seriousness of the tone. “Hmf. From your creation?”
“To start.”
He didn’t know what to make of that. Or any of this really. So, Clint allowed himself to be carried to the coffee. He could have sworn Nat was looking very pleased with herself, but he didn’t have the capacity to think on it just now. Maybe it would all make sense after a pot or five.