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Rafael Barba walked into the chapel and approached the pews quietly from along the outer walls. He unbuttoned his thick winter coat and sat at the end of a nearly empty bench. Taking a moment to look to his left, he smiled politely at an elderly man sat near to the centre aisle, then he slipped off his scarf, pulled off his gloves and glanced around. The chapel was busier than it might have been for an average mass, but quieter then he would usually expect it to be for the midnight Christmas Eve service. However, the weather had been bad and he looked at his watch to find that he was unusually early.
This week had been long and hard - there had been two difficult cases involving children, which always affected him more than he tried to let on. Then to compound that pressure, their most recent case had culminated in a heated argument with Olivia, in which tempers had flared and a professional disagreement had quickly spiralled into a personal slanging match. He'd started to call her several times over the last 24hrs, but he honestly didn't know what to say and couldn't bring himself to disrupt her time off with Noah.
He looked around and smiled politely at some familiar faces and old family friends, trying to avoid extended eye contact for fear that it would encourage conversation. A conversation that would inevitably lead to questions about his career progression and the third degree about his non-existent personal life. Recent years had led Rafael to stop caring about the way his mother always seemed to cut in and answer those questions for him - as though feeling the need to defend his life choices and shield him from what she seemed to assume would be their inevitable judgement.
This year Lucia Barba was in Florida with family. A trip he had been invited on and an invitation he had politely yet firmly declined. He had also declined his mother's offer to stay at home with him. However, he had still found himself making plans to leave the office early, allowing himself the time to go home and change before heading across town to attend their customary midnight service. No matter his mood this one ritual seemed to be important to observe.
As the service drew closer the noise around him began to swell from a quiet murmur to a more lively rumble. The atmosphere still peaceful, yet also alive with a frisson of excitement in the air. Old friends and family members greeted each other with warm handshakes and all-encompassing hugs. Some people Rafael assumed hadn't seen each other for a while, others he felt sure were constant fixtures in each other's lives.
He closed his eyes, trying to drown out the chatter and focus on the music and the sound of the choir warming-up nearby. He was so distracted that when a voice asked him if the seat next to him was free he barely even noticed. He automatically began to stand and let them by, his mind only just beginning to register a familiar scent as the new arrival passed in front of him, their whole bodies seeming to brush against each other in the confined space.
His eyes opened now and he slowly blinked at Olivia as she sat down next to him. She slipped her scarf open and removed her gloves, smiling at him with obvious amusement at his startled expression.
She leaned in to give his shoulder a teasing nudge. "Don't tell me that I've finally made you speechless, counsellor?" She asked with dancing eyes, still leaning a little into his side.
Her warmth somehow managed to break Rafael out of his trance and he shook his head slowly. "I don't understand, what are you doing here?" He asked. "Have I fallen asleep in the pew?"
Olivia laughed softly, "You dream of bringing me to mass, Rafa? Do you think my soul needs saving?"
The corner of his mouth turned up in a half-smile now and he slowly shook his head. "Of all the people I've met in my life I have no doubt that your soul is safe." The surreal moment led to Rafael voicing a thought that he would usually have kept to himself. "You are one of God's most exquisite creations."
This time it was Olivia who was struck mute - her eyes brimmed with tears as her mouth dropped open a little and she scanned his face.
"Why are you here?" He asked again before Olivia could gather her thoughts enough to respond.
She licked her lips slowly. "I called Carmen earlier...before she left the office. I asked her what time you were planning on finishing work and she told me that you had discussed attending a midnight service. You've mentioned this chapel before, so I asked her not to tell you that I'd called...I wanted to surprise you."
Rafael smiled softly now. "Well, you've achieved that. You remembered the name of the mass I attend with my mother?" He asked, clearly surprised.
She smiled a little teasingly now, "I am always listening and I am a detective."
"But why are you actually here?" he inquired again.
"I asked an elderly neighbor to sit in with Noah for a couple of hours - he's been asleep since 9, excited about Santa. Let's just say I owe her. It's Christmas, I couldn't leave things the way they were between us."
Rafael leaned slightly closer, so fractionally that anyone watching would not have noticed, yet both felt the move at their core. "I'm sorry, Livia…" he added after a moment, his voice so soft that it almost felt like a whisper.
She smiled affectionately, "I don't really think you're an obstinate, insensitive asshole, Rafa."
He chuckled, then turned toward her a little more. "And I don't think you're incapable of holding down a real relationship." He thought back to the pain he'd seen in her eyes and winced a little, "I was hurt and I lashed out...but that's no excuse."
Olivia smiled and nodded, "We both did."
"Anyone crazy enough to lose you…" Rafael assured softly, "…they didn't deserve you in the first place. You're-"
"Rafael, it's Christmas," Olivia cut in.
He smiled a little and glanced over at a nearby Christmas Tree. "Yes, I had noticed," he replied dryly, yet somehow no less softly.
She smiled, "I came here because it's Christmas and I couldn't bear the thought of going into the holidays carrying the weight of bad feeling between us. Alongside Noah, I…I mean…well, I'm not sure…"
Rafael sat and waited patiently while Olivia tried to gather her thoughts.
"I'm not sure if I've ever told you this, Rafa, but your friendship is precious to me," she continued more clearly, "…you're my friend, my ally, my touchstone…just having you in my life has made me a better person, a better detective…I believe even a better mother. You-"
Her words were paused by his hand on hers, his thumb tracing over her skin gently.
"I was talking to Noah tonight," she continued after briefly faltering, "…he asked if you were coming tomorrow. Our life is full of people that he loves, Rafa, people he thinks of as family, but he asked for you. At that moment, I realised something that my son seems to understand instinctively," she took a breath, almost seeming to steel herself, "…that there is always a place for you…if you ever want it. A place with us. I need you to know that."
Rafael's heart was beating rapidly as he tried to catch up with what she was saying. "I'm not sure that I understand…?" He started.
She looked into his eyes, seeing confusion and fear, but also almost overwhelming hope. "Family, Rafa. Christmas is a time for family and maybe…if you're feeling brave enough…for taking a chance on love?"
Rafael's breath caught and he swallowed, then he licked his lips as he glanced down at her nervous smile.
"If I'm way off base here," she continued quickly, "…if I've allowed my own desires to cloud my judgement and misunderstand where we are-"
"Que Jesús te proteja a ti y a tu familia este Navidad…" A voice greeted everyone through a sound system and attention was drawn to the front where the mass was clearly about to begin.
Everyone stood...Rafael and Olivia followed quickly.
The service commenced, but neither could focus on a word…their hands had remained linked, their hearts racing.
Finally, as the first hymn was announced Rafael leaned in to whisper close to her ear. "Todo lo que quiero para Navidad eres tú," he said softly.
Olivia let out a nervous laugh, then swallowed hard and licked her lips. Her eyes welled with tears as the singing began, then she turned to look at him and saw the genuine honesty of his words. "Really?" She asked, her voice a little broken as an unfamiliar Spanish carol filled the room.
"Always," he assured, linking their fingers. "You're sure?"
A single tear escaped her eye and slipped down her cold rosy cheek as Olivia nodded quickly. Then she leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Come home with me? Spend Christmas with me and Noah?"
Rafael nodded immediately, "Yes. Yes, I'd love to." He glanced over at a friend of his mother's in a nearby pew and saw her smiling at them knowingly. "You know, my mother is going to hear about this by morning…she may even get a text before the mass is over."
He nodded over at their witness and Olivia looked over and smiled. She leaned into his side even more, then startled him by turning and pressing her lips to his neck as his hand naturally wrapped around her and came to rest on her waist. It felt like such an intimate moment for two people who hadn't even shared a kiss.
The rest of the service continued without further conversation, both enjoying the mass and taking time to silently process what was happening between them. Their hands remained linked, only separating when necessary and then quickly seeking reconnection.
When the service came to an end they stood. They both wrapped their scarves around their necks, eyes connected the whole time, then Rafael took the hat from her hands and gently slipped it onto her head. They put on their gloves and fastened their coats, then as they moved out of the pew Olivia linked her arm through his and kept him close.
They walked outside into the freezing night air and down the steps onto the sidewalk.
"I could go home? Visit tomorrow after Noah has woken up? I don't want to intrude on your time together," Rafael suggested.
Olivia smiled with humor and affection, "You would never be intruding, Rafa, you're like an extra gift."
Rafael laughed in wonder, this still felt like a dream. "You're sure?" He checked.
"Come home with me," she stated again, this time with no question in her voice.
The clouds of their cold breaths were mingling between them, cheeks already ruddy and eyes bright with the cold.
Both smiled as Rafael nodded.
"It's freezing…" he said needlessly and glanced at her lips.
"Cab?" Olivia asked and began to raise her arm.
Rafael stepped closer, bringing her arm down gently and resting his gloved hands on her waist. He watched Olivia's breathing speed up and licked his lips. "Maybe I can keep you warm for a minute?" He suggested.
Her eyes glowed, "Yeah? That sounds…nice." The warmth of his breath tickled her lips as he moved closer, then her whole body shuddered at the feeling of his mouth brush lightly against hers, so softly. "Extremely nice," she added against his lips.
They kissed. A kiss probably longer and more thorough than either had intended on the sidewalk of a busy city street, but once they'd had a taste of this new, intoxicating, yet somehow familiar connection, they couldn't seem to break apart.
Finally, he spoke softly against her lips, teasing her lightly between words. "You know, several of my mother's friends are almost certainly watching us right now? It's possible they might even be sending her pictures…"
She laughed and dropped her face to his shoulder. "Quite an original way to come out to your mother…" She groaned into the soft thick weave of his warm winter coat.
"My mom loves you," he assured, bringing his hand up to the back of her head.
"Your mother doesn't know me, Rafa," she pointed out with a smile as she lifted her face again and looked into her eyes.
Rafael tilted his head a little, "My mom is nothing if not honest," he admitted, "…I guess I do talk about you quite a lot."
She smiled.
"Besides," he added and ran his gloved hand over her hair, "…who wouldn't love you?"
Olivia laughed, "I promise you, I've found that to be a common obstacle."
It seemed impossible for Rafael to comprehend how anyone could not fall in love with Olivia Benson. Her fearlessness, her compassion, her heart, her intelligence, her inextinguishable spirit….her radiant smile.
"Those people, they must be crazy…" he finally replied, "...because I..." he glanced to the side and saw two of his mother's friend smirking at them, then looked back into her eyes, "…I could definitely see myself loving you until we're 85. Or forever - if you would allow me to."
Several tears now flowed down Olivia's face. "Yes. I mean, I could see myself being completely open to that."
"Really?" He asked shuddering a little in the cold but then still pulling off one of his gloves to gently brush the tears from her cheeks.
"It's freezing, let's get home…" Olivia encouraged and quickly held up her hand when she saw a cab coming toward them.
"Home," he said softly as they walked toward the road and she opened the door, "…You know? I like the sound of that."
Olivia turned in the doorway, blocking their entrance into the backseat. "Good," she said with a smile, "…because I'd like to hope I'm about to spend my first of many Christmasses with the man I…" her voice caught, her nerves impossible to hide from her closest friend, "…the man I love," she finished confidently.
Rafael swallowed hard and nodded, then leaned in to kiss her. "So, when we get home, we have how many hours until Noah wakes up?"
Olivia laughed and ran her teeth over the corner of her bottom lip as she quickly calculated. "If we're lucky? Maybe 4?"
He smiled and rolled his eyes, then hustled her into the cab before sliding in alongside. "Well, then…" he leaned in to kiss her, just because he could, "…let's get this Christmas started as soon as possible."
THE END