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Sometimes it is only in silence and solitude that Black women will give themselves permission to cry and break momentarily from the weights we normally carry in silence and dignity.When they tell you, that you are strong you forget that you are ever allowed to be anything else where anyone can see.
"Dad, I'm fine. I just wanted to check on Grace" Anissa explained over the phone as she drove down the road.
"I know baby girl. I'm just worried" Jeff sighed into the phone, " You sure there's nothing I can do to-??"
"Dad. Listen. Mom needs you right now. I'm a grown woman. You go take care of your girl, while I check on mine okay." Anissa rambled into the phone hoping she sounded relaxed and at ease so people would stop asking her if she was okay. She hung up quickly, pulling into the parking lot of the newly established Nerolight center the government had built over the ruins of what was once the ASA base. At least that was what it was being called currently. Some shades stuff with a sale was allegedly going on behind the scene with some secret financial stuff. That was a whole other issue though and not an unexpected one.
"Miss Peirce.", the receptionist, a short brunette white woman, named karrie, at the front greeted her, breaking the stark quiet as she entered the building.
She nodded in acknowledgement off handedly flashing her full access badge even though it wasn't needed, before heading to an Elevator to take her to Grace's room.
The sterile, Harshly lit, bright hallway leading to Grace's room was probably the worst part. It looked and smelled just like the Hall in the ASA...the one where Grace's head hit the floor, where she lost her. Anissa hated walking down this hall to get to Her Grace.
Finally reaching the room, she opened the door with her access badge and stepped inside as the door auto closed behind her.
If she just stood here, she could pretend for a moment that it hadn't been nearly three month of Grace just laying there unmoving. All the test seemed to indicate that she could wake up at any moment, like sleeping beauty coming out of her nap.
"Hey Grace" Anissa practically whispered as she walked closer to sit on the edge of the bed. "Did you miss me?" She continued as if they were having a normal conversation. She'd only be able to visit Grace a few times a month in the past three months. It was hard not to just spend every second in this room crying sometimes. Other people needed her more than she could allow herself to be away from it all.
"When you wake up, there's gonna be a lot of explaining for me to do huh?" She laughed at her own poor joke.
I'm sorry I haven't been by enough. You know, with Jenn and my Moms rehab and rebuilding Freeland...I just hate to be selfish even when I miss you so much."
"Missing me isn't selfish " She imagined Grace's voice replying.
It wasn't often that Anissa actually let herself cry. There was just no time usually. No time to break, no time to be scared, no time to miss people as long as she was always moving, doing, and helping the community. " You know if I dont help the community…" She began explaining as though Grace was sitting and waiting for an explanation.
" ...it will go down in flames. I know. I told you I love that about you" Graces voice echoed through her mind, supplying the conclusion to her words.
This was probably the only chance she could allow tears to run freely down her face, without having to go through the emotional exhausting process of explaining her feelings to anyone else.
"Grace Please...Please just wake up" Anissa pleaded, leaning in to rest her head on her unconscious girlfriend- Fiancée chest. " I had a dream about you; About us actually."
" Really ? Do tell. Was it a fun dream?"
Anissa's mind conjured up the teasing response she could practically feel Grace making if she was awake.
"It was me and you on a beach." She explained, ignoring the tears that continued to run down her face as her head lay rested on Grace's chest, being semi soothed at least by the steadiness of her girlfriend's heartbeat. "You were wearing that cute lite blue bikini I bought you and running towards the water. I was watching and I got up to chase you." Anissa recalled the dream. " It was so relaxed and beautiful and- and then I woke up."
"Anissa. Have you talked to anyone?" The shadowed imagined whisper of The question she knew Grace would ask if she could, gave her pause. " Your family loves you. Anissa…"
" I can't. There's no time. I love my family too. But there's too much going on for me to break too. Everyone can't be hurt at once."
"Nissa, that's not how pain and feelings work. You're allowed to have-"
" I put you in here. I dont think I am allowed anything right now. If I-"
"Gravedigger put me in here. You know that. I know you know that."
"Why do I feel so empty then? We should be married, laying on a beach, drinking long Island tea...not this."
" I wish Gravedigger was here so I could strangle him to death!" Anissa finally yelled, her voice echoing off the empty space in the room. " I wish I hadn't hurt you. But of course you would say…"
"It's not your fault"
"This is all in my head" Anissa laughed wiping tears from her eyes and feeling stupid.
"Of course it's on your head. It's on your heart too. I'm always in your heart. Remember? That doesn't make it any less real."
"What even is real? I feel like I'm a character in some fantasy sometimes. Bullet proof, near invincible, Black superhero, but I can't even keep my own girlfriend safe."
" Fantasy isn't a bad thing. Fantasy gives people hope and inspiration and strength to stand up. You inspire people Nissa. You're more than a fantasy though. You're the real thing. You're inspirational. You're the future, love. "
"I wish I felt more inspirational right now" Anissa commented as she sat up in the bed, pulling herself away from the steady rhythm of Grace's heartbeat that she had gotten lost in. She had to stop doing this. She was gonna drive herself crazy.
"You're only human. You just need to be loved." The last whispering specter of Grace's voice whispered to her.
" I love you too" Anissa spoke out loud watching Grace' face for any type of response. Though she knew it was unreasonable to do so.
KNOCK KNOCK
" Hourly room check." The nurses' voice from the other side of the door finally pulled Anissa back to the reality of things, Sweeping away the lingering conjuration of her conversation with Grace.
"Of course. Just a moment. " Anissa cleaned her face and straightened the sheets she had wrinkle when she layed on the bed, before opening the door and clearing the badge reader. She nodded politely to the young nurse at the door and headed out.
Finally reaching her car she slipped in and just sat for a moment, Emotionally drained and needing to just collect herself
RING
Scratch that. The loud blurring of her phone buzzed breaking the moment of silence.
"Hey. I was just calling to check on you. I saw your mom at the day center today. She's doing well. Her treatment program is going beyond phenomenal. She says the support from you girls has been everything. How are you? How did visiting Grace go?"
Anissa pauses, considering how to answer. What could she say anyways, "hey dad, I spent most of the visit crying cause the full impact of my fiancee being in a coma is starting to crush me." Obviously that wasn't a phone conversation and there was no reason to bring down everyone's mood. She couldn't say that.
" It was good. Grace is medically stable and steady. Any day now, you know."
"Good"
"I gotta go, Dad. Driving, you know." She explained before hanging up.
When someone ask if you're okay or how you are doing,always say fine. Whatever you are feeling can always wait. That's what they mean when they say "black girl magic." We are seen as both superhuman and subhuman and we know better than to break down when everyone else is breaking down, even if we are breaking down. "It's a gift from God" isn't that what they say…
FIN
Feel free to leave Questions, comments or Kudos. This is from a story that was in BLDCine back in October and November. I'm excited to finally share this one as we close out the year.