Work Text:
“So, work tomorrow then.”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
Robbie knew that both of them were nervous about tomorrow, he’d at least been into work this last couple of weeks, got used to the feeling that all the changes in his life were written across his forehead, James would have that to deal with tomorrow.
“You’re still OK with us not telling anyone?” Robbie asked.
“OK would be putting it strong,” James replied, snuggling up slightly to Robbie’s side, “but I think it’s what we need to do. This is all a bit new to take much scrutiny.”
“You’re right, of course,” Robbie paused, not sure whether he should tell James the next bit, but forewarned is forearmed he thought, “Innocent warned me when I asked her for time off, when you were first ill, about getting too close. Told me ‘there are rules, you know’. I stammered and stuttered like a bloody school girl. She’ll be keeping an eye open, so watch yourself.” James sighed,
“I think I’m more concerned about Dr Hobson.” James paused for a long time and Robbie could feel the tension in him, after a little while he smiled and turned his head slightly to drop a kiss on James’ forehead,
“Go on, ask,” he said simply,
“Where you two ever ...” It was clear that James was struggling to come up with the right words to ask the question and Robbie took pity on him,
“No, we weren’t ... ever...” Robbie replied, his smile broadening at the scarcely felt but definite relaxation in James. “We just never seemed to get to the point where ‘ever’ was a possibility. Makes even me wonder how long I’ve secretly had my eye on you!” At that James sat up slightly and then lent over to give Robbie a long and thorough kiss, a kiss which left them both breathless and with the unspoken possibility of more than kisses. James took a deep breath,
“We could, you know,” it was a question and an offer and Robbie could hear both the desire and the nervousness in James’ voice. Robbie knew that he had to answer carefully; a lot was resting on this,
“You have no idea, love, how much I want you, have wanted you for a long time,” someone far less attuned to James would have felt the tightening of his muscles and would have seen the darkening of his eyes, the conflict between desire and fear; to Robbie the mixed messages were writ large, “but I don’t think we should just yet, especially after today. You’ve gone through all those things that happened to you, if we start anything, all those memories are likely to sandbag you one after the other. I don’t want that for our first time. I’m not kidding myself that we won’t have to deal with your memories but if we leave things a little while we’ll probably have fewer to deal with.”
James flopped back onto the bed, his right forearm coming up to cover his eyes and Robbie knew that he hadn’t managed to convey the meaning and feeling behind what he was trying to say. Robbie pushed himself farther up the bed and tucked himself up next to James, resting his head on James shoulder his left hand coming to rest on James’ stomach. He gently stroked his hand on James’ abdomen and was rewarded after a little while by feeling James relax into his embrace.
“Sorry, love,” Robbie murmured,
“Don’t be,” James replied, “you’re right. Actually, don’t you ever get tired of being right all the time? It probably is a bit soon,” Robbie heard James draw breath to carry on speaking and then let the breath out in a sigh, clearly changing his mind about what he was going to say.
“What were you going to say?” Robbie asked.
“It doesn’t matter,” James said,
“Matters to me.” Robbie didn’t push James to continue, he just continued to hold him and to wait.
“It’s just ...” James began before faltering, taking a deep breath and continuing, “it’s just that I’m scared, what if ... what if I’m never ready, what if I’m always too scared. That’s why I thought tonight would be a good time, something like ripping off a plaster.” Robbie couldn’t help but laugh at that, “What?” James queried, sitting up slightly to look at Robbie with an expression finely balanced between affront and amusement. Robbie managed to stop chuckling to say,
“I just never thought I’d be contemplating having sex with someone who considered it to be like ripping off a plaster, never saw myself as an unpleasant necessity.” Robbie’s genuine amusement took the sting out of his words, but James still felt the need to explain,
“You know what I mean, with my baggage I know the first time probably won’t be wonderful, so I thought getting that first time out of the way would mean we could get on with not the first time. God,” he grinned, “I sound like a Victorian heroine don’t I? Perhaps I should just lie back and think of England!” They were both laughing now and it felt good, after the revelations of earlier in the day and James’ disappearing trick, it felt very good to be together and relaxed enough to laugh about it.
“Come here,” Robbie said, his voice husky as he folded James into his arms and kissed him with a thoroughness and attention to detail which left them both breathless. When they stopped kissing Robbie said, “Let’s get some sleep then, pet, we’ll both need our wits about us tomorrow.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
They were both up early the next morning. They’d brought work clothes away from James’ flat when they’d come home the night before so James hadn’t had to get up ridiculously early but still, extra time had to be allowed to get an extra person through the bathroom.
Everything that had happened between them seemed vaguely unreal when they were both in their work clothes and about to head out. James was going to take the longer route and set off later so that they wouldn’t arrive at work at the same time, making plans like that felt silly to both of them but it was necessary. Policeman are by nature and training suspicious bastards, Robbie had said, if the two of them gave any indication that there was a secret to be ferreted out then somebody would certainly do that. Still it was difficult for Robbie to get himself out of the door,
“So, see you later, then,” he muttered
“Yes you will,” James replied, “and then you’ll see me later! Go, you need to get going, I’ll see you at work,”
The team were all there to welcome James back and it was all just a little overwhelming. Even Innocent showed up to ask him how he was and James tried hard not to second guess what she was saying; he spent the first half hour he was back at work repeatedly thinking ‘there’s a double meaning in that’ and berating himself for being so twitchy about things that he would draw attention to himself. After a while, Robbie called a halt to all the chat, reminding people that they had work to do,
“And you Sergeant Hathaway, there’s a heap of files on your desk, get yourself up to speed with what’s current.”
“Sir.” was James’ only reply but with a natural enough seeming eye roll. Good, Robbie thought everything’s going to be OK.
An hour later he was rather less sure. It started with Laura. He’d been surprised that while James had been ill Laura hadn’t visited but it turned out that there was a reason for that. James was still ploughing his way through the files when Laura put her head around the door of their office,
“James! How are you feeling?” she asked,
“Oh, much better, thanks!”
“Good, place wasn’t the same without you, the average IQ dropped to an alarming degree! Robbie, can I borrow you?” she asked, breezing out. James and Robbie exchanged a bemused expression and Robbie followed the doctor out through the squad room and out through the foyer. When they were properly outside she turned to face him with a questioning expression on her face,
“Well?” she asked.
“Well what?” Robbie asked in turn, genuinely not knowing what she was on about. Laura rolled her eyes before clarifying,
“Well, what about you and James?”
For a moment Robbie considered acting dumb, asking her what she was going on about, but she was bright and observant and he knew himself to be blushing, so it didn’t seem worth it. Instead he opted for allowing himself a wide, wide grin as his only answer. Laura positively screeched in delight,
“I knew it!”
“Shh!” Robbie looked round apprehensively, “we need to keep it quiet.” He took in Laura’s disgruntled expression, “no, it’s not that,” he continued, “we’re neither of us ashamed of anything, but I’ve only got a short time before retirement and I like working with James, if Innocent has to find out about this she’d almost have to transfer James or me. Also you know what coppers are, James still has his career to think about after all.” Laura considered this for a little while and then her face brightened a little,
“She’ll know, you know,”
“Aye, I know that, all we’re really trying for is that we can keep it on the QT enough that she won’t have to take official notice. I’ve had a couple of weeks to get used to the idea, but James still feels like his entire history is tattooed on his forehead.” Laura watched him carefully as he said this,
“You might want to avoid talking about him as much as you can then, you get this kind of ‘foolish fond’ look on your face when you talk about him, it’s so sweet.”
“Thanks, ‘sweet’ that’s what the average DI is going for, obviously. Thanks, Laura, you’re the first person who knows about this, I hope they all take it as well. You should come round to dinner sometime, I’ll talk to James and we can discuss dates?”
“Sure! I would have come round while James was off, but I didn’t want to be in the way.” she said with an arch smile as they walked back into the station.
As soon as he was back in the office it was Innocent’s turn,
“So, Lewis,” she said, “how is Hathaway?”
“Oh, he’s fine, ma’am, doctor’s given him a clean bill of health.” Oh, bugger, could I sound more like I’m trying to be casual? Probably not. She’s going to say something, Robbie thought.
“Good, hasn’t been the same around here without him. And you?” as she asked that second question she fixed Robbie with a penetrating glance, which Robbie tried to meet.
“Aye, well, I can’t say it won’t be good to have him back working.”
“Good. So it wasn’t a problem having him stay at yours so long?”
“No, not really,” Robbie replied stonewalling for all he was worth.
“Good. I see you’ve got him getting up to date with current cases. I’d send him home a little early today if I were you,” she said turning back to her paperwork,
“Aye ma’am, thanks.”
“Don’t mention it; it’ll be good to get everything back to normal.”
Robbie left the room puzzling over every word, trying to work out whether any of the double meanings he’d heard were really there or whether his not-guilty conscience was just getting to him.
Daunting though the day had been, it actually seemed to be soon over. James realised that they should have discussed what they were going to do a little more thoroughly, was he going home, actually forget that, the bigger question was where was home now? Robbie’s flat suddenly felt much more like home than his own flat which had certainly felt beyond strange last night. They really had no hope of fooling everyone for any length of time if they lived together but equally the thought of each of them sat at home wishing they were with the other was just stupid. Perhaps they were really going to have to tell people and accept the transfer that Innocent would force on them.
Robbie breezed back into their shared office,
“You get yourself home, sergeant, Innocent’s orders, don’t want to tire you out on your first day back do we?”
“Yes, sir,” James smiled, “I’ll get myself home,” and he straightened the two piles of files on his desk and shut down his computer. “I’ll see you tomorrow, sir”
“Aye,” Robbie replied, apparently occupied with a piece of paper in his hand, but James didn’t miss the brief, tight grin.
“So,” James said after they had eaten and cleared away and he’d brought in a mug of tea for each of them and sat next to Robbie, “do you think we’re going to be able to do this?”
“Well, Laura’s already on to us, I’m afraid. I thought she might be, given that she’s never called in to see how you were. Said she didn’t want to ‘be in the way’” he turned to the younger man trying to assess how he was taking this information,
“Did she take it well?” James looked slightly nervous but only slightly.
“Over the moon, apparently seemed to think it was very romantic,”
“Well,” James replied with a grin, “it is romantic!” Robbie thwacked at him with a cushion, and James held his tea up high to avoid it getting spilled.
“Also, I think Innocent probably has a shrewd idea of how things stand.” That sobered James up appreciably,
“Oh. So, what do we do about that?”
“I really have no, bloody idea.” Robbie paused, and took a meditative swig of his brew, “I suppose it depends on what it is we’re going to do ourselves.”
“That’s a big question for a Monday night.” James replied. Robbie turned slightly so as to be able to see the younger man’s face properly. He looked nervous and unsure, insecure possibly, Robbie thought. James continued to speak, “You know most people just get to play these things by ear, respond to what happens in the moment...” he paused and Robbie watched as he almost continued a couple of times but couldn’t seem to find the right words.
“I’m afraid we’ve got the bloody job to thank for the need to think things through. It comes down to two big questions: Are we in this for the long haul? And how prepared are we to lie about things?” James responded instantly, unthinkingly to the last of Robbie’s questions,
“I don’t want to lie about us.”
“I’m with you on that ... but ...”
“But what?” James almost snapped,
“But I’m thinking about your career.” Robbie said gently, reaching out a hand to squeeze James’ arm. “You’re an excellent copper and you’ve worked hard for your career, I don’t want to see that go to waste over me.” It surprised Robbie to see that James was suddenly blazingly angry,
“My career? My bloody career? For pity’s sake, do you think I’d have a career but for you? And for the sake of the career that I wouldn’t have without you I’m supposed to deny what we have? Well that’s just bloody bollocks.” James stood up abruptly, almost dropping his mug onto the table and stalked over to the window, remaining there, staring out into the darkness while Robbie took rather more time to get up and go over to him. Robbie put a hand on James’ shoulder and while James didn’t shrug it off Robbie could feel him tense under the touch.
“What’s all this about?” Robbie asked.
“It’s about exactly what I said,” James snapped, “it’s about not wanting to hide, it’s about loving you and wanting everyone to know that you love me, it’s about you, it’s always about you,” and with that James pulled Robbie bodily into his arms and kissed him with a fervour that Robbie has never experienced with him; it was surprising but not unwelcome. After a minute or so James pulled away and muttered, “Today was bloody awful, I honestly thought it would be OK to pretend, but I hated it. I hated not being able to touch you, feeling like I couldn’t even smile at you. It was awful.”
“I’m sorry, pet, it’ll get easier, I promise.” James kissed him again, deeply but with less underlying anger,
“I don’t want it to get easier.”
"But it will nevertheless," Robbie replied putting his head on James' shoulder, delighting in the feeling of being held, "it will."
"Are you absolutely sure we need to do this?" James asked in a quiet, gentle voice,
"I can't see any real alternative. This is all so bloody difficult," he finished up with a sigh.
"I need to think my way through all this," James said and for a second Robbie was reminded of the previous evening and convulsively tightened his grip on James, "No," James said, "not like yesterday. I just need to think. Although, actually on the subject of yesterday, what should we do about the two flats, if we're going to keep up this pretence, I ought occasionally to sleep in my own bed, don't you think?" Robbie's instinctive reaction to this was, no bloody chance, but he didn't say it, instead he thought carefully before replying.
“I suppose so, but not too often, eh?”
“No,” James agreed, leaning in and kissing him again, “not too often.”
Later that evening, when they were mindlessly watching a thriller on the television, James took a deep breath,
“Is there any doubt about your first question?”
Robbie had to think for a moment to work out what James was talking about and then replaying the comment in his mind he could suddenly feel the nervousness behind the question. He turned to face James,
“Not for me,” he replied simply,
“But you thought there might be for me?”
“More worried than thought,” Robbie replied, catching the flair of impatience in James’ expression, “I...”
James interrupted him,
“Please don’t give me the ‘you don’t want to be tied to an old bugger like me’ speech or were you going to go for ‘you should be with someone your own age’ speech?”
“Yeah, well,” Robbie stammered, “but it’s true.” James interrupted him again,
“This whole thing hasn’t been about me suddenly discovering that I like boys, this is about the fact that I love you and have loved you since the day I met you.” James leaned towards Robbie and kissed him. When they finally broke apart, James continued, “So that’s the big questions answered.”