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Erik is not really sure with how he stands with Robert – Lewy right now. The older man never says the ‘L’ word to him. He just knows that Lewy has changed drastically ever since their first kiss (Erik never fails to blush if he remembers that, he has to thank Jonas for that somehow). However, there is nothing more. Sure, Lewy has become more caring to him and overly protective, if he may add, especially if it’s around Jonas. He doesn’t know what Lewy has with Jonas. It seems like Lewy has this sort of wary over his friend.
(Erik is so oblivious with the reason behind the cold battle between Lewy and Jonas is him).
His worry makes him sitting in front of Mats’ office and waits for the lawyer to get out. He can only talk about this to the lawyer because he has known the lawyer as far as he could remember. Mats is a close friend to his parents and once a time coming to visit his house. Speaking of visiting, Erik could recall the first time he has met Lewy. It might be when he is around fifteen or sixteen. He hasn’t known that he swings that way back then. He only knows that Lewy is attractive. The man emits this charm that the teenage Erik (he’s still teenager till now technically) could not help but adore.
To be quite honest, Erik doesn’t know if Lewy remembers him or not, but he is glad that the man decides to take care of him. He also doesn’t really recall since when the adoration he has, has changed to something more.
“Erik?” Someone’s voice stops Erik from thinking. He looks up and finds Marco standing in front of him. Ah, he remembers that the man who is sitting next to him now is dating Mats. “Are you looking for Mats?”
Erik nods. He admires Marco because somehow he wants to be like the blonde man, frank and expression. If he could have at least a little braveness like Marco does, maybe he could somehow talk about his feeling to Lewy. Erik just hasn’t known a little misunderstanding that happen between Marco and Mats.
“Well, so that makes us two then,” exclaims Marco.
“Yes,” Erik answers timidly. He is staring at Marco, admiring how the man is actually handsome and mesmerizing. He has wondered once if Lewy has ever thought that about Marco or maybe both of them have a relationship before. Erik shakes his head. He should not think about Lewy’s past. If Lewy wants Erik to know, the man would surely let it happen.
“You know, you could actually ask me instead of looking like you’re going to eat me anytime soon.” Marco’s voice once again snaps Erik from his thought. “And no, Lewy and I don’t have any romantic relationship before. Gross, I can’t even think of that. Don’t worry.” Marco gives a wink to which Erik could only blush. “You’re so cute! I can see why Lewy is so captivated by you.”
Speaking of the man, Erik suddenly remembers the reason why he is here at the first place. Now he wonders if asking Marco would be a better choice. Well, like they said, two is better than one right? So, Erik takes a deep breath and decides to ask Marco first. “Marco, I want to ask something,” Erik starts out slowly.
Marco listens carefully but there’s a curious expression appear on the blonde’s face. “What is it?”
“Why do you know, I mean, you said that Lewy is captivated by me, why?”
“Why do I know? Or why is Lewy captivated by you?”
Erik thinks for a while before deciding to answer, “Both.”
Marco smiles, this time it’s different than any of his witty smiles before. “Well, why don’t you try to ask Lewy instead? All I could say is that, you should have noticed how he is different only around you.”
Different around him? But how? Erik doesn’t understand about what he has been told. “He hasn’t tried to be with me.”
“You mean like having sex with you?” Marco asks bluntly.
Erik blushes. “No, not like that, I mean – okay, sometimes I feel like he’s taking care of me instead of – I don’t even know what we are. But, no, I don’t mean it as s – as sex. It’s like –“
“Well, consider this. Someone loves you and knows you are not really an exhibitionist person, so he takes that into his mind and restrains himself. Or, he’s just a stupid person who fall over head on you and will do anything not to make you hurt but instead hurting you. Your choice,” Marco shrugs.
Erik takes that into his mind, considering what it could mean. When he is about to ask again, Marco beats him to it. “Oh, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, have you thought something about that? Have you bought him present?”
Those questions suddenly struck him. He hasn’t really thought of a present. He only thinks to make a Christmas cake and celebrate it together like what he usually does with his family. But he doesn’t think that Lewy will be with him because there’s Anna. As much as Erik envies Marco, he is even more jealous with Anna because the woman is enchantingly beautiful and most of all, she is a she and that is something that Erik could not beat no matter how hard he tries.
He also knows that Lewy is in a relationship with Anna for the public because the man is a CEO of an uprising company so Lewy could not attract any rumor especially not about their relationship. Gosh, Erik is now sulking again. He could imagine that in Christmas Eve Lewy will go out for a dinner with Anna instead of him like last year and oh my, thinking about that is somehow making his eyes teary.
“Erik, you okay?” Erik ignores Marco’s voice this time and thinking about what he is thinking.
“Erik?” This time, it’s another familiar voice that calls his name. “Erik, what’s wrong?” The voice is soothing and always calming to him. Erik does what he could every time he listens to that voice, circling his hands around Mats’ neck and buries his head on Mats’ chest. He doesn’t see that confused Mats is looking at Marco for answer. Marco only shakes his head because he also doesn’t know what happen to Erik.
They stay like that for a while until Erik is a little calmer. When he does, Mats expect a talk but the boy just says that he’s tired and wants to go home. Mats look at Marco one times before finally agrees to the boy request and send him home.
.x.
Tomorrow comes faster than Erik expects. After Mats and Marco sent him home yesterday, he didn’t talk much at dinner with Lewy. He was afraid that if he asked about today, Lewy would tell him that the man will go out with Anna. He knows that is the case, but still.
“Erik,” Lewy calls him from the dining room when he is preparing their breakfast. “Your egg is burning.”
“Oh gosh!” Erik shouts as he realizes that indeed the egg he is cooking is burning nicely with so many blacks and so not eatable. The poor egg has to be thrown away because there is no way they could eat something like that.
“Are you okay?” Lewy asks with a worried face.
Erik nods his head. “Yes, Lewy, I’m just sleepy, I guess,” he lies. He wonders if it could deceive the man or not.
“Well, you should just sit down and I’ll cook for today then,” Lewy says, with a grin on his face.
“You sure you won’t burn the kitchen down?” Erik asks, a little bit teasing because he is a bit more comfortable with the man now.
Lewy laughs. “I have survived before you came, remember?” Erik gives a half-hearted smile and nods. Then he walks to the dining room and sits on the chair. His eyes are elsewhere, staring at nothing.
Their breakfast is almost done and usually Lewy will give Erik a kiss on the cheek or lips sometimes and then off to work. It just today, Erik is the one who does the initiative and give a peck on Lewy’s lips. “Be safe,” he says. Lewy is a little bit shocked but still nods afterwards and walks out from the apartment, giving Erik a glance one time.
When the door closes, Erik breaks down. He sits on the floor, feeling all of his energy is drained and he could do nothing about that. After a deep breathe, Erik stands up and cleans the dishes, deciding to go out later to buy the decorations for the Christmas tree and the cake. He should have bought that before, but he thinks that since he will do nothing on Christmas, then why not?
It’s not like he will be spending his time with anyone. Well there’re his friends, but they will be spending time with their families even Jonas with his girlfriend, so why not enjoy the day then?
.x.
Afternoon finds him on the department store, which as expected, is fully packed by people. Erik sighs and hopes that he will survive after being squished in the crowds. He goes to the knick-knacks stores and buys some decorations first before going to the lower ground to buy his ingredients. On his way down from the escalator, he sees Lewy but the man is not alone. As expected, Anna is beside the man, hugging closely. Erik looks at the other way, hoping that the couple won’t see him. They are on the other side of escalator which is going up.
His pray is being fulfilled though. He is not discovered. A sigh of relief comes from him. Maybe he should just stay in the apartment and locks himself there. At least, there he could have the image of him and Lewy together. Outside, he has to face the reality that to society, he is Lewy’s adopted son.
Turns out his journey doesn’t turn out well so he decides to do everything quickly and get home. Fortunately he doesn’t have to encounter any other circumstances after that and arrives at home safely and sound. There are three voicemail from the telephone and he decides to hear it just in case it is from his school friend.
The first one comes from Jonas who wished Merry Christmas to him and told him to have a happy holiday. Jonas also told him not to forget about the assignment that they need to do for holiday and that Erik will have him around after Christmas whether the boy like it or not. Erik only chuckles at that.
The next one comes from Mats who, by the judge of his voice, is actually worried about Erik and told Erik if the boy needs anything, he could ask Mats. And of course, he is also invited to Mats dinner with Marco if the boy feels like too. No way, Erik thinks. He couldn’t imagine himself spending his time with the lovey-dovey couple (Marco’s word) while he is sulking over his complicated relationship (if there is any relationship) with Lewy.
The last one comes from Anna and his heart sinks when he heard it.
“Erik, if it’s you please tell Lewy not to forget about his appointment later with me or I will drag him or if this is Lewy, just get your ass here quickly.”
Knowing something by thinking is different when you have to be faced by the harsh reality and Erik has faced the latter.
Trying to forget about everything, he decides to just go with what he has planned for the day.
.x.
It is almost midnight when Lewy finally gets home. The cake that Erik has made has soon been in the freezer so it could last for a while. The boy itself is currently watching some tv shows, which he doesn’t even really care. He is just doing that so he could have something to do instead of thinking what could happen.
“Erik, you’re not yet sleeping?” Lewy asks when the man has come to the living room and notices the light from the television.
Erik only answers with ‘Hmm,’ he is not sure if he could trust his voice right now.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know it’ll be this late,” Lewy says. Erik could hear the man’s footsteps get louder and it means he is approaching Erik.
Erik still doesn’t know how to face Lewy, so he only stares at the shows in front of him. “It’s fine,” Erik answers curtly.
“Are you okay?” That is the second time Erik hears the question and he wonders if he is truly okay or not. He is, after all, still a teenager and could not be an adult like Lewy or Anna or Mats or Marco. He could not manage to understand what the older man is thinking and it frustrates him. Erik nods to the question. He could feel a presence on his left side and a sigh from it. “If there is something that troubling you –“
“Nothing, Lewy, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
“Then you should go to sleep, you should not have waited for me too,” Lewy says softly.
Erik stares at the man, trying to see through the beautiful blue eyes in front of him. He wants to know if he could see, if what Marco says could probably true. But like he said, he is just a teenager, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t know. “I’m….I’m….I’m tired with – I’m tired with this. I –“
“What do you mean by this?” Erik stiffens when he hears a danger tone inside Lewy’s voice.
Gulps. “I – I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. Lewy, I honestly don’t know and I – I can’t take it.” Seeing Lewy doesn’t speak, Erik continues, “You care for me, I know that and I’m happy. You kissed me and I, and I was, is, happy, but – but now –“
“ – now you’re not sure, is that it?” Lewy interrupts, a clear dagger is indeed in the tone.
“No, yes, I mean – we – us, I don’t know what is us. Is there even us?” Lewy is silent and that makes Erik scared to continue his talk. “Lewy, I want to know – I want to know what is us. I can’t take it. You kiss me, you make me feel loved but there’s Anna. No, I don’t hate Anna, I just – I just feel like I intrude everything, like, maybe I should not be here.”
“Are you saying that you regretted your decision to be with me?” Erik could hear that Lewy asks that coldly. He is contemplating if he has made the right choice to bring this up but alas he has to, sooner or later.
“NO! I never regret that. I am thankful for that.”
“Then you regret to kiss me back?”
“That’s not it.” Erik takes a long breath. “What I want to say is that, what am I to you? I don’t know if you love me that way like I do or not. I don’t know what I could say about this relationship – if there is any relationship between us. To society, you’re dating Anna and I – I’m just your adopted son. And when I thought that you care for me –“
“ – I do care for you.”
“Yes, but then Anna. Like today, or any other day when you spend your dinner with Anna so that the public could have your ‘dating’ pictures. I don’t know – I can’t take it anymore. I – oh gosh,”
Erik couldn’t finish his sentence because his lips have been sealed by the older man. He tries to push away but the man is so strong and somehow he feels weak. He always feels like that whenever they are kissing – not the peck they give each morning. His eyes and his minds are blurry. He couldn’t think straight right now.
When Lewy’s mouth is on his neck, biting and licking and giving a mark, he demands an answer, so he pushes the man wholeheartedly. “Stop!” He shouts. “Lewy, this is –“
Lewy looks at Erik once again, emotionless on those deep blues. He feels himself being pulled and his head meet with Lewy’s chest. The man’s broad chest always feel warmth and calm to him but not this time. Erik could listen that it beats so fast. Lewy’s hand is on his head right now, embracing him closer to the older man.
“Listen, I don’t know how to say this and I’m not sure. This relationship, I don’t know what we can call it. All I know is that I can’t live without you and neither do you, right?” Erik nods slowly because that’s the reality he knows. “I know, I know you will think that I care for my publicity because of what I do with Anna but I – we – we decide to end it all today. This will be my last dinner with her, there’ll be no more of that in the future.”
“But –“
“I could care less about the press right now. We can handle it later. We have the best lawyer on our side, and even if Marco looks like that, he’s good with handling stuffs and Anna, Anna has always been good with words, you don’t have to worry about that if someone find about us.”
“Us?” Erik pushes himself slowly so he could break the hug to look at Lewy directly.
“Yes, us, I don’t know the right term about us, Erik, I don’t think there’ll be able a word to describe it either, are you okay with that?” Erik looks hesitant for a moment before finally nodding. Lewy gives a sigh of relief. “And listen, I may not say this often because I’m not the person who’s really good with word – and gosh, maybe this could be the last time you hear from me, maybe not but – but I love you, okay?”
“I love you, Erik, I do.”
Erik doesn’t know that since when his eyes have been wet with tears. He only nods slowly before hugging the older man tightly. He doesn’t see Lewy is smiling, he could only feel the rubbing that calming him right now. His eyes feel heavy, maybe because he has been awake all day and could not stop thinking. He finally feels at easy and slowly, he closes his eyes.
He doesn’t see the gentle smile on Lewy’s face or when the man pats his cheek softly before planting a kiss on that. Then, while still handle Erik gently, Lewy carries the boy to the bedroom, lying him there so he could get a proper rest.
When Lewy wants to go away, Erik’s hand is still on the man. Somehow Erik couldn’t let go of his grab even when he’s sleeping. The man sighs and decides to join Erik to sleep on the bed. Erik is still sleeping and could not feel when his hand is being uplifted by Lewy before slowly the man put something on his ring finger.
That something is a ring, nothing too fancy, just made of white gold, engraved with ‘R.L.’ inside, with a little diamond in the middle and inside the ring, not the one that sticks out. Lewy smiles and gives a kiss to Erik’s forehead and embraces the boy closer. He can’t wait to see Erik’s face tomorrow.
.x.