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English
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Published:
2020-12-29
Completed:
2020-12-30
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2,132
Chapters:
3/3
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40
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525
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You're Loved More Than You Know

Summary:

Frisk promised not to reset anymore.

Everything is permanent now.

Including death.

Notes:

title is from Beautiful? By illymation! i love the song so much, and i feel like that line fit the situation.

Keep in mind that this fic includes:

Suicidal Thoughts
Suicide Attempt

If any of this is triggering, or makes you uncomfortable, please do not read!
And if you feel like ending your own life, please talk to someone! It can be me, a close friend or family member, or a therapist. Just please know that you're not alone! Your life is worth living, no matter what anyone says.

With that being said, enjoy...or don't I guess? This chapter isn't happy at all.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Just Like Falling Asleep...Right?

Chapter Text

Sans was tired.

No, not that kind of tired.

Well, maybe a bit of both.

He was tired of being a burden. He was tired of watching his brother die countless times. He was tired of being useless. He was tired of everything.

Sans was just...tired.

So when Frisk promised Sans that they weren’t going to reset anymore, he was happy. Ecstatic even.

But all for the wrong reason.

Or the right reason, if you asked him.

Because if Frisk wasn’t going to reset anymore, everything would be permanent.

His death would be permanent.

No one would ever have to deal with him again.

Sans knew they were only pretending to care about him, silently hoping for him to turn to dust at any moment.

But Papyrus actually cared about him, right?

No no no. No he doesn’t. Sans was the only thing keeping Papyrus from fulfilling his dreams. Sans only held him back, weighing him down.

Papyrus must hate Sans.

And Frisk never cared about him in the first place. He was simply a toy to them.

And when your toys break, you throw them away.

So that’s what Sans was going to do.

He was going to throw himself away.

He was sitting cross legged on his bed. He’d already written the note, to explain why he did it. Not that anyone would read it. They didn’t care. They wanted him to do this. He was sure of it.

Sans turned the bottle of sleeping pills over in his hands. He wasn’t hesitating. He wasn’t. He wanted this. He needed this.

It would be like falling asleep. He was good at that. It was one of the only things he was good at. Sleeping.

The only thing about this nap, was that he wasn’t going to wake up.

He didn’t want to wake up.

Right?

Right.

Yes. He wanted this.

Sans wanted to die.

He struggled to open the cap, with his hands shaking as though an earthquake were spreading throughout his entire body. Child proof caps were a nuisance.

Why was he shaking? Was he scared? Probably. He’d always been scared. Scared of Gaster, scared of Undyne, scared of Frisk, scared of everyone.

But after today, he wouldn’t be scared anymore. He wouldn’t feel a pang of uncontrollable terror whenever he was around his friends, fearing that they would learn the truth about him.

It was hard to feel anything when you’re dead, after all.

Wait, friends? Who does Sans think he’s kidding? He doesn’t have friends. He never had friends. He only had people who tolerated him.

At long last, the cap popped off.

Sans was happy.

For the first time in years, he was happy.

And it was because he was finally going to die.

Pathetic, isn’t it?

He lifted the bottle up to his mouth, and swallowed every single pill. Sans didn’t even bother with water.

The pills were instantly absorbed into his body.

Sans waited to fall asleep.

As though a switch were turned on, a burning pain ripped through his soul. Sans bit back a scream as his entire body convulsed, and he doubled over, grasping at something, anything to ground himself with.

This was not what he expected. He thought that it would be like falling asleep. He didn’t think it would hurt so much.

God, what had he done?

It hurt. It hurt so bad. Sans wanted it to be over. Either through his slow, painful death, or someone walking into his room and finding him.

In that moment, Sans realized something.

He doesn’t want to die.

He wanted to go over to Toriel's house to see Frisk, and watch movies with them until the kids' bedtime.

He wanted to watch anime and eat ramen with Alphys until 4 in the morning.

He wanted to train with Undyne to get better at casting his attacks.

He wanted to go to the library, and read storybooks to the little kids.

He wanted to eat Papyrus’ spaghetti, and watch Mettatons show, and read him his bedtime story, and tuck him into bed.

He wanted Papyrus.

Sans wanted many things.

But he didn’t want to die.

Despite how much pain he was in, Sans managed to crawl his way over to his phone, and shakily dial Papyrus’ phone number.

Per usual, it only rang twice before his amazing, precious younger brother picked up.

“Sans! I wasn’t expecting a call from y-“

“p-pap, i fu-fucked up...i fucked u-up real b-bad…”

“Sans…? What do you mean? What’s wrong?”

“p-please, it h-hurts papy-ngk!”

“Sans?! Sans hold on, I’m coming home right now. I need you to tell me what happened Sans!”

“p-papyrus…”

That was all Sans could say before the world went black.

He didn’t hear Papyrus scream when he found Sans, curled up on the floor, drenched in sweat, tears, and vomit.

He didn’t hear the blaring sirens of the ambulance, or the frantic shouting of the doctors as they struggled to keep him alive.

He didn’t hear his brother crying hysterically the whole ride to the hospital.

He didn’t hear his friends sobbing as the doctors explained what had happened.

.
.
.

Sans could faintly recognize the gentle voice of his brother, singing softly to him as he slept in the hospital bed.

Chapter 2: Sans' Note

Summary:

Sans' suicide note

Notes:

This chapter includes:

Suicidal Thoughts
A Suicide Note

Please do not read this if these topics are triggering to you in any way!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

dear papyrus, and anyone else who cares,

so, you found my letter. i figure no one's gonna read this, but i guess I should write it anyways.

if you’re reading this, i just want you all to know that this isn’t your fault. i know i’ve been nothing but a burden on you guys, and you’re all probably gonna celebrate when i’m gone. heh, nah, you wouldn’t waste your time on a party for me, even if it was to celebrate the fact that i’m dead.

back to the point, this isn’t anyone’s fault but mine. i lost the fight against all the shitty thoughts. i’ve always been weak, so it’s not all that surprising, is it?

papyrus, if you’re reading this, i just wanna say that i love you more than anything in this world. you were the thing that kept me going as long as i did. without you there to help me, i would’ve done this years ago. i love you so much papyrus, and i’m sorry you had to deal with me for so long. i’m out of your way now, so you can go chase your dreams without me being there to hold you back.

i don’t want you to be upset over me. i’m not worth your tears. i want you to forget about me. i want you to pretend i never existed to begin with. it would be easier for everyone to just forget me entirely.

i’m running out of room to write, and i could always just get another piece of paper, but i’m too lazy for that.

love you so much papyrus,

sans.

Notes:

I just wanna say that the things that Sans says about himself in this chapter are NOT TRUE. People who feel that suicide is the only way out are NOT WEAK. These are simply the things that Sans feels about himself.

Chapter 3: I'll Catch You When You Fall

Summary:

Sans wakes up.

Notes:

Happy end! :DD

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Papyrus was tired.

Yes, the sleepy kind of tired.

He’d been up for the past 3 days while he waited for his brother to wake up.

The doctors tried to make him go home, like the rest of his friends. But he didn’t want to leave his brother's side.

He wouldn’t.

He needed to be there when he woke up.

When Sans woke up, he would need all the love and support Papyrus could give.

Papyrus had read the letter.

To say he cried would be an understatement.

It took him almost an hour to read through it, because his tears were constantly blurring his vision.

He wouldn’t let anyone else read it.

Papyrus felt that it was far too personal for it to be passed around like a note in elementary school.

So he kept it held close to his chest as he watched his older brother's sleeping form, tucked underneath a blanket on a hospital bed that was a bit too large for him.

Sans looked as tired as Papyrus felt. His soul, formerly a bright, sparkling white with ribbons of magic swirling around it, had faded to be a dim grey, with small cracks littered across the surface.

His usually wide, happy smile, was replaced with a small frown.

It looked unnatural on his dear brother's face.

Sans was always smiling, no matter the situation.

When the waiters at restaurants got his order wrong, he smiled and didn’t complain.

When rotten tomatoes got thrown at him whilst he was working, he smiled and threw them back.

When an angry customer threatened him, he smiled and threatened them back.

No matter what went wrong in his life, Sans was smiling.

That should’ve been the first warning sign that something was wrong with his brother.

And Papyrus ignored the signs.

Sans’ constant laziness.

(He felt unmotivated to do anything)

Sans’ refusal to talk about his feelings.

(He felt that he didn’t matter)

Sans’ frequent naps during broad daylight.

(His insomnia and nightmares keep him up all night)

Sans’ permanent smile.

(A happy mask to hide his true emotions)

All the signs were there.

And Papyrus had completely ignored them.

What kind of brother was he?

Not a very good one, if he was going to simply ignore everything that was going on in his older brothers head.

Sans had practically raised Papyrus, and what does Papyrus do to repay him?

Ignore his feelings to the point where Sans wants to kill himself.

He felt awful.

He was awful.

.
.
.

But he could do better, even if he didn’t think so.

He could be a better brother for Sans.

He could be there when Sans needed him.

He could help Sans overcome the terrible thoughts that plagued his life.

He would be a better brother for Sans.

He would be there when Sans needed him.

He would help Sans overcome the terrible thoughts that plagued his life.

And he would start now, by staying by his brother's side while he waited for him to wake up.

Papyrus knew of one thing that always made his brother even the smallest bit happier, and that was him.

Whenever Papyrus was around, Sans seemed to be happier than usual.

He knew that his brother loved his singing, so began to sing a gentle lullaby for him. It was the one that Sans loved the most when they were younger.

“You are my Sans-shine
My only Sans-shine
You make me happy
When skies are grey

You’ll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don’t take
My Sans-shine away”

He was about to cry again, tears threatening to spill from his eye sockets.

And then, Sans stirred.

Papyrus jumped at the movement, not expecting him to wake up yet.

“Sans…? Are you awake?” He asked softly, as to not startle his brother.

“ngh...p-paps…?” Sans mumbled, voice raspy from disuse.

“I-I’m here, Sans.” Papyrus moved his chair closer to the bed, and put his hand on Sans', patting it in a comforting manner.

“heya…”

“Welcome back, brother.” Papyrus smiled gently.

“...i-i’m so s-sorry pap…” Sans spoke quietly, voice breaking as he started to cry.

“Shhh...don’t apologize, it’s okay Sans. I’m not upset with you.” Papyrus tried to calm him.

“b-but i-“

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I-I should’ve been there to help you…” He wiped a tear from his eye socket.

“no, no pap, th-this isn’t your fault. i’m the one who m-messed up.”

“But I’m the one who ignored you when you were hurting! I-I should’ve noticed you weren’t okay!” Papyrus cried.

“and i should’ve told you.”

“Sans I-“

The ensuing argument was interrupted by the click of the door opening.

“Ah, hello Sans! I’m Doctor Brown. Good to see that you’re awake.” She closed the door behind her, clipboard in hand.

“heya doc. howzit going?” He gave her a little wave with his free hand.

“I’m doing quite well, thank you for asking! May I ask how you’re feeling?” She smiled at him, readying her pen to write something down.

“tired, and kinda happy i’m still here. least i got paps with me.” He looked to his brother.

“I’ll always be here with you brother!” Papyrus squeezed his hand in his own.

“Aren’t you two just the sweetest thing? Well, I’m glad you’re still here too, Sans. We fought very hard to keep you with us, and we’re going to be with you every step of the way!” She scribbled something down on her clipboard.

“that makes me feel a little better bout all this.”

That wasn’t entirely a lie.

Sans was already feeling the smallest bit better, knowing that his brother would be with him no matter what.

He wasn’t okay, not just yet, but it wasn’t as bad as before.

Sans wouldn’t be okay for a long time.

But that was okay.

He just has to stay determined.

Notes:

sorry not sorry for making you cry scribbly hahaaaa

Notes:

If I got anything wrong in this fic, please let me know, and I will fics it! (haha see what i did there)