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It’s weird how you can go years without knowing something about yourself, and then once you figure it out, you look back at everything, and you wonder how you could have ever missed it. Even without the language to describe it, it was so clear, it pervaded every single romantic interaction she’d ever had, but she’d always dismissed it. I’m too busy with the ruse. Studying potions is the only thing that matters. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I have too many secrets. It’s too dangerous. Dozens of excuses throughout the years, and they were true, all of them. But what Harry realized now, safely out of the ruse and able to relax (ha! as if she were capable of relaxing), was those weren’t the only reasons she shied away from the romantic interests directed her way.
And even though it was so obvious now that she knew it was a thing she could be, it had still taken time to come to terms with it. Even in the Wizarding World where there were so many matches that weren’t for love, the amatonormativity was pervasive.
The ruse had been revealed over two years ago, with the conclusion of the Triwizard Tournament, to the expected mixed reactions. All things considered, it could have gone so much worse. She wasn’t in Azkaban, so really, all was good.
The worst reaction from all her friends came from Draco. And it hurt, how could it not hurt, even with how she had been expecting it, but there had also been a degree of relief for something she wouldn’t find the words to name quite yet for another year and a half.
Draco stared at her. It was as if the floor had been pulled out from under him, and she was the one to do it. The conflict was there. But mostly she saw the anger, the betrayal. Of course.
“Who are you?”
Ah, that lovely question. If only her boggart could have prepared her.
But Draco wasn’t the only one with questions. She could see everyone’s eyes on her, could feel their ire.
The possibilities of what could happen were terrifying, and yet there was relief beneath the terror. Four years of lying to near every single person in her life, gone in one instant.
“I’m not Rigel Black,” she admitted, leveling her head and looking him in the eye. He’d hate her, and as she mourned their friendship, relief for not having to deal with his feelings for her anymore swelled up inside her. The freedom from the lies and the freedom from the pressure of his attentions was heady.
Later, when she was able to fully articulate it, that relief grew. The way he’d kissed her… when Harry thought about it, she shuddered. Of all the non life-threatening things that had happened to her, that brought her the most discomfort.
...
It was Kasten who brought the words to her, using the words like they were nothing, like it wouldn’t change Harry’s life. Afterwards, she wondered if he might have known, might have seen it in her, or simply known that there was nothing to lose by saying the words.
“How do vampire mates work?” Harry asked, considering Gavril and Irina. Would Kasten eventually settle down with some vampire? A human? Something about that thought made her uneasy, but she couldn’t quite put a finger to it.
“Two-fifths fate, three-fifths choice,” Kasten said. Stirring the potion in the cauldron in front of them, he looked at her assessingly before adding, “I am not the best choice to ask about this, however. I won’t be having a mate.”
“Oh?” She sprinkled rue over the brew.
“It’s not something that interests me.”
That was familiar. She watched the potion as it turned first yellow and then towards gold. It was also something that everyone in her life had acted like she was weird for. Turning the heat up, she looked towards him. “You really mean that? For the rest of your life.”
His blink was slow, assessing. He nodded. “I believe I am what muggles call aroace.”
Harry wasn’t familiar with that term. “Aro ace?”
“I don’t feel romantic or sexual attraction.”
She mulled that over while they finished the potion, but it wasn’t until she was alone later that she could really delve into them, consider what they might mean, specifically what they might mean for her. She didn’t even fully understand what they were supposed to involve.
Romantic attraction. Attraction of a romantic sort. Romance. Dating.
It was instinct to immediately wrinkle her nose. And maybe that told her everything: she couldn’t understand them because she was like Kasten.
Moments, thoughts, echoed through her brain with this new lense.
The unknown element to her friendships with Draco and Leo. The way her friends had reacted to her turning down Zhou asking her to the Yule Ball. The way she hadn’t been able to picture herself in a relationship, even years down the line and out of the ruse. It had been there the whole time, but now she finally had a word for it. She didn’t say it aloud, not yet, but she mouthed it, tasted the syllables, and felt the peace it brought her.
The other word fit too, she was pretty sure, but when she reflected upon her life its verity didn’t show up to explain nearly as many situations.
...
One unfortunate side effect to finally being able to name it was Leo, lovely Lionel Hurst, who hadn’t batted so much as an eyelash when the ruse had been revealed, hadn’t said anything really, just vowed to stand by her and be that safe harbour he’d tried to be ever since they met, even when she made it difficult for him.
It was that unfortunate added element to their interactions that she hadn’t quite understood and now realized never would. She loved him, that she was pretty sure of; it was just in a different way. And she knew he would be good about it, Leo was nothing if not understanding and open. He was a man who expected very little from her. And yet. And yet.
The knowledge that he was interested in her in a way that wasn’t platonic, something she’d known for years, now began to curdle her stomach as she thought about it, and she hated it. She wished she could control it, wished she could ignore it. However she’d ignored it before she’d known that this was who she was, she wished she could go back to that.
It would pass in time, she knew that. She just hoped that would happen sooner rather than later, and that when it did, their easy, wonderful friendship could continue on like before.
She still spent time with him; she couldn’t just abandon him. He meant too much to her for that. She just was frequently stuck pushing back various degrees of discomfort.
That was an intrinsic difference between Leo and Draco, even ignoring their respective reactions to the reveal of the ruse: whilst she knew both of them fancied her, the discomfort she felt when she was with Leo was worth it. He was home, even if it was a slightly soured home right now.
...
And so the only friendship that hadn’t changed—she didn’t count Archie in this. He was family—was that between her and Caelum. He was still as delightfully prickly as ever. Harry had never known she could find such comfort in someone being a prat.
He’d had lots to say about her and Rigel being the same person when the ruse was revealed, that was for sure, but still there was no fundamental change. It hadn’t fractured even in the slightest, unlike the friendships Rigel had made. He wasn’t betrayed. But more importantly for the person she was now, he’d never been interested in her. He still wouldn’t even admit they were friends. Even ignoring the fact that they were both going for their Potions Mastery, it only stood to reason that she would turn to Caelum.
Perhaps some would interpret the delight and eagerness with which she ripped open each of his letters as evidence that she was, in fact, into him, but it wasn’t. There was none of that unknown element there.
Perhaps the desire to be his friend, to get him to admit they were friends, was something akin to romantic attraction. Platonic attraction. Well, of course it must be. Why did no one ever talk about this? Why wasn’t it appreciated like its cousins?
Caelum’s first letter that arrived after that fateful conversation with Kasten was nothing unusual, and perhaps it was that which meant everything to her. She searched the letter for a hidden clue, something she was missing that would insinuate he was interested in her, but it wasn’t there. There was no hidden element between them, except perhaps the partially unacknowledged fact that they absolutely were friends now.
Potter,
I am pleased to inform you that I’m taking my Mastery exam shortly. Have you even passed your NEWTs yet?
They better let you take them. After all, I can’t be the best unless I actually get to prove how much better than you I am.
...
Sometimes (most of the time), Harry thought about how it had all somehow turned out and how she was so close to getting her Potions Mastery and she was absolutely floored. It could have turned out so wrong, so easily, but it hadn’t, and she owed so much of that to Professor Snape.
He’d taken her under his wing almost as soon as it was revealed. He hadn’t admitted anything, but Harry thought he’d seemed a little relieved about everything after he got over his initial shock and anger (the latter for “being an idiot” and “do you know how reckless this was?” Nothing new there.) She couldn’t say for sure, but she thought perhaps the relief had something to do with his worries about her taking credit for Rigel’s work. She couldn’t commit intellectual theft when she was the same person. No, it was only blood identity theft that she had committed.
“You are still serious about becoming a Potions Mistress, yes?”
Harry stared at him. How could he ask that question? Everything she had done, she’d done to reach that end goal, under his tutelage. “Yes, of course.”
Professor Snape nodded. “You will need to take your OWLs and at least the Herbology and Potions NEWTs, I hope you are aware.”
“I am.” It was a frustrating obstacle, but she’d make it work. Somehow. She just hated that she’d have to waste time relearning material when she could be brewing. Unless. She studied the man in front of her. It was one of her last remaining secrets, and so small, so trivial. If he hadn’t gotten terribly mad about the blood identity theft, surely he couldn’t be that mad about this. “Professor, I think there is something you should know.”
“Yes, Miss Potter?”
“Do you remember Marcus Flint’s homework?”
The professor was a smart man. She could see the knowledge dawning in his eyes and quickly pressed on. “So, I think I’m in a good position to pass my OWLs and NEWTs. What do you think, Sir?”
Snape closed his eyes and shook his head. “Of course it was you. You stupid girl.”
Oh, so he was mad. She tried to smile innocently, only not pulling out the look because she couldn’t fathom using it on a teacher, especially one who meant so much to her and she respected as much as Professor Snape. “And Flint passed the Care of Magical Creatures OWL without ever attending the class, so can I sit for them?”
They were still several months away, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be allowed to take the OWLs and the NEWTs the same year, but it was worth a try.
Snape opened his eyes again and stared her down. “Merlin’s beard. Fine. I’ll see what I can do. But we are not letting anyone hear about this. And we’re going to discuss what a healthy disrespect for rules looks like, and how you are so far past that.”
They wouldn’t let her take the OWLs and the NEWTs in the same year, but they did allow her to take them early. The OWLs she passed easily, but she was just slightly worried about the NEWTs. Snape said she had little to worry about, and refused to “waste time assuaging foolish worries when your apprenticeship could actually be underway.” It was perhaps the only time in her life Harry had felt torn about doing something other than potions.
For several months after it was all revealed, Harry was put on house arrest by her father. It was mostly to keep her safe, but it was frustrating nonetheless. She more than paid him back however.
After weeks of convincing, and after promising him both her parents would be out of the house, Severus Snape swept in to begin her apprenticeship once again.
Somehow she managed to keep it secret until several weeks later when James returned early, and upon finding a secondary magical signature down in the lab, stormed down to see what was going on.
Fortunately, the safeguards in the lab still worked as great as ever, and there was no harm done. Even better, James let her leave the house (“To the guild and then straight back. No shortcuts, no detours, nothing.”) the very next day.
...
Potter,
Your apartment is tiny. How you can stand to be in this place for longer than a moment is beyond me. You better come over and show me where all your brewing equipment is immediately.
- C. Lestrange
Harry grinned at the contents of the letter. Only Caelum could make living in her apartment seem like a favor he was doing for her.
...
Potter,
I heard you’re getting your NEWT results this week. If you think you’re opening that letter anywhere but in front of me, you’re very mistaken. Let’s meet at La Serene. I’ll even pick up the bill if you fail.
...
Somehow the mastery exam was upon her. Snape was sure she would pass. So too, it seemed, was Caelum, even if he was bitter she had snuck in to take it first. Harry knew she’d prepared as much as she could for it, but there was a part of her that worried her best wasn’t good enough. It was an unfounded fear and only fueled by the knowledge of everything she’d done and sacrificed to get here.
Potter,
So you’re taking the Potions Mastery exam today. You better come to your tiny apartment straight after so I can grill you for information and stop your head from inflating. Just because you created an inane new brewing technique and are about to possibly be the youngest Potions Master ever, doesn’t mean you can forget your betters who got you to this point.
You better not make any foolish mistakes and humiliate me or Master Snape.
- C. Lestrange
...
Harry couldn’t remember the walk from the Potions Guild to Dogwood Lane. She stood in front of the door to Number 8 and tried to quell her shaking hand before she knocked. What was it that was so overwhelming? Was it the achievement of something she’d dedicated her entire life to? Was it that she hadn’t truly believed she would pass?
Caelum pulled the door open just slightly and fixed her with a look through the crack. “That took longer than I thought it would. Did you do something that would embarrass me?”
Had she breathed at all since the exam had finished? Harry exhaled now and shook her head.
A smile broke across his face and almost stole her breath away again. He was happy. For her. Without any sort of malicious undertone. All because she had passed her Mastery exam. Merlin, she was a Potions Mistress now.
She grinned back and said, “You better start calling me Mistress Potter.”
“Well then, Mistress Potter,” Caelum said, and she stared at him as he opened the door wider. “Congratulations.” With that last word, the flat behind him erupted with noise and movement.
She stood there a long moment more, to which Caelum responded by rolling his eyes and yanking her inside. “I know you have enough of a brain to know what this is.”
She let him, entirely speechless for the second time in the past hour. She felt like she was walking on a cloud.
Caelum let go of her and the flurry of hugs and congratulations begin. Her parents, her uncles, Archie. Harry didn’t even realize she was crying until Archie pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of his robes and began wiping at her tears.
She’d really done it.
She took the handkerchief from her cousin and wiped at her own tears with one hand while she grabbed one of his with the other. “Archie,” she whispered, and he kissed her on the forehead.
And then she was ushered into another whirlwind of congratulations, this time with less hugs and tears, but nonetheless joyous and warm. Hermione, Kasten, Krait, Mr. Tate, Eleni, Aldermaster Hurst, Master Thompson, The Weasleys. Merriam, Rispah.
Leo. She took one look at his crooked smile and threw herself into his arms.
Seconds or perhaps minutes later, she felt a tap on her shoulder and pulled back from him to see Cora. Harry’s heart soared and she hugged the younger girl.
Over her shoulder, her eyes fell on a familiar figure in black robes. Master Snape. She pulled back from Cora and slowly approached him, her heart hammering in her chest. “Apologies for usurping your position as youngest potions master ever, Sir.”
He pulled her into a warm hug. “I am so proud of you.”
Harry was once again speechless; all she could do was return the hug. “Thank you, Sir.” She finally stammered out and then slowly pulled away so she could look up into his face. “For everything.”
She was pretty sure she could hear her father muttering across the room, but she didn’t care. How could she when she was positively floating?
Caelum returned to her side when the congratulations died down. “So, how do you like your party?” He asked.
She opened her mouth then closed it and simply stared at him. Maybe she’d thought it once or twice during the hugs and congratulations, but it was different to face it. It was almost too much, this knowledge that he had arranged the party.
She pulled her gaze away from him to collect herself, and she caught sight of the decorations at last.
Cauldrons! He’d enchanted cauldrons to hang in the air, and potions flasks. It was ridiculous and filled her heart with an unusual sort of warmth.
Was this love? She was used to it with her family, Archie especially considering he was the only one who had known anything for those four years. But for someone new?
She’d been trying so hard to get him to acknowledge they were friends, and yet this feeling had snuck up on her.
She turned her gaze to Caelum again. “It’s incredible. Thank you. I can’t believe you did all this.” She narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s something one might do for a friend.”
The back of his neck flushed. “Fine, Mistress Potter, I suppose I will allow you to be my friend.”
...
Harry,
That overly tall friend of yours came in through the window again. Will you please tell him he can use the front door like a normal person.
I know you’re doing impressive things or whatever, but save some for the rest of us. Don’t go inventing another brewing technique without me.
Those scrawny alley children miss you. They say I’m too prickly. I say we’re both better teachers when we do it together.
Come back soon.
Your friend,
Caelum