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Queen Cass was a conundrum.
I got where Cass came from. She wanted to flee this place and the responsibility and would shed blood to get what she wanted. I wasn’t a hypocrite; if need be I would do the same. If need be… I would sacrifice everything and everyone to get what I wanted. What I needed. Both of us it seemed were trying to leave our murdering days behind us, but in the end that was what we were: murderers.
That was where the mystery began because the Queen wasn’t a murderer. Not because she hadn’t killed, but because she obviously found life precious.
They were the same person of course, and without a conflicting personality at least as far as I could tell, but there was something. I thought I knew how Cass would react. Sometimes it was almost too easy to push her buttons and other times… she didn’t react at all like I predicted. It was as much frustrating as it was… refreshing. She was as real of a challenge for me as I knew I was for her.
What I was about to do was probably stupid – and I wasn’t stupid. Regardless what others thought of me or rather because of what others thought of me. Although I had slipped up big time, because of Cass.
Not only had I told her more than I should have, I had shown her a lot more than I should have. That hadn’t often happened in the past. And when it had happened, I had killed those who had a glimpse of who I truly was. Not the assassin, people who actually knew me had trained me to be this disgusting creature that was trained like a dog to kill, maim and torture. The worst thing was, that I was one of the best in what I did.
There was no one beside that girl I was trying to play that knew that I was more than a mindless killing machine – and it was all my fault. Maybe there actually was a magic of the Queen and it wasn’t all my fault that I started to fall under her spell, but most likely I fucked up because for the first time in over fifteen years did I show a part of me that I had thought to be dead for good. I barely remembered it, but I had been a cheerful child, carefree and optimistic. Of course, that had died the day my parents were killed. No, that wasn’t true. It had died when Ben had decided to train me.
I exhaled forcibly, glancing through the cracked door to Amalia’s room. If I wasn’t mistaken – and I rarely was – Cass was in her room, protecting her. Cass who acted like she couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of us. Cass, who hadn’t killed the man that had tried to kill her. Cass who seemed determined to be hated by all of the Paien in this castle, while trying her damnest to do right by everyone. Did she even realize what she did?
Granted, the others probably hadn’t seen quite as much as I had already, but there was no way they hadn’t already realized she was either crazy or even more conflicted than I was. As a Dragonslayer, she would have done at least as much damage as I had, possibly more. That didn’t mean I thought her to be worse than I was, I couldn’t just not yet exclude that she had been more efficient. A truly horrific thought.
It wasn’t a good idea to be here. It wasn’t. It actually was a terrible idea. There was no way I could know that… But wasn’t there? I exhaled again. This was my fault. I had slipped up like I never had before. Why did I tell her the truth? Why did I show her my true self or at least an aspect of that person that was normally not even allowed to leave that small corner in my consciousness that tried to drown me in nightmares?
Why had I decided to play the carefree simpleton? Because it was the easiest way in. Construct your lies around the truth and run with it. And boy did I run with it. Before I knew it, I had lost myself in the feeling of freedom. The feeling of leaving all those bloody weights on my shoulders behind me and before I knew what I was doing, those violet eyes, mistrusting and so full of pain and self-hate had broken me. It was true, I just wanted to use her. She was what I needed to get what I wanted. It should be so easy, playing a girl barely old enough to drink. Actually, I didn’t know how old she was physically, but looking in her eyes I knew she was way older when the years she was walking on this earth.
Looking in her eyes I had seen myself. It was a cliché and if I could change that terrible thought in my head I would give everything, but it was too late. I didn’t have to see the gruesome scars all over her body to guess what she had suffered through. I didn’t need to listen closely to all those small information’s she let slip when she spoke. My life could have possibly been a vacation for her. I didn’t want to follow these thoughts; didn’t want to imagine what she must have survived to stand here today. Even after all this time, I still was empathetic. Or pathetic, as the others called it. An assassin with a conscious that killed him whenever he closed his eyes. It truly was pathetic.
Worst of all was the small flame of hope that just wouldn’t die, that it could be better. That there could be a time in which I didn’t have to kill. Where I didn’t have to… And Cass – without knowing or even trying – fuelled this hope. Something I should resent her for. But I couldn’t. Why couldn’t I hate her? She was the Queen, descendant of Cassandra, who left the throne and us. Who became a Dragonslayer and became murder and chaos incarnate. All good reasons to hate her, but I couldn’t care less. Cassandra was the starting point for all the events that led to my training, which made me into a mindless killer and my worst nightmare.
Amalia’s door opened and Cass stepped out, still in the clothes she had worn yesterday and with an expression of annoyance and pain.
Slipping out of my door, I stepped back a few paces, before calling out for her. “I knew it.”
Her head twitched around to look at me. Well, she glared at me, annoyance rising, probably because I had caught her caring. A notion I could understand. That was the reason I couldn’t hate or resent her however much I wanted to. She was like me, maybe more broken, maybe even more violated than I was, but just like me.
"You were with the Princess of Darkness all night, weren’t you? You softie." I smiled at her and the realisation – that this wasn’t an act, this was a true heartfelt smile – hit me like a baseball bat to the gut. I was hopelessly lost. This was the reason why I needed to do what I was about to do. I had to, because otherwise… I would fail.
Her violet eyes tried to x-ray me, I was sure. The panic, that she could read me as clearly as I could read her, had still not subsided. If she knew – would she care? If she knew who I was; what I was? Would she hate me? Would I care if she did? I tasted bile, because, yes, I would care.
"How is she?" I asked, feeling the genuine smile still on my lips.
"She’ll survive it." There was a hitch in her voice, guilt, maybe?
"That's good. Shall we visit your fan in the dungeon? Ana told me yesterday that they had to hold him down with two people, just so that they could attend his wound." I gestured down the hall and froze when she started walking. It took me about a second to follow her. How could she just go with me? She had to know that I was dangerous, even if she didn’t know how dangerous.
“They bandaged him?” She asked incredulously.
"You really have no idea, do you?" A laugh forced itself out of my throat and I was shocked about the melancholy in it. Whatever she had lived through there was still so much light in her, hidden behind scars and her demeanour, but blinding light nonetheless. I had tried to ignore it, not only because I knew that I didn’t have light like that – or deserved it – but because it was the reason I slipped up. Knowing I would never deserve to be near that kindness, that spirit, was physically painful. I was going to use her. I did use her. I played her. And she didn’t deserve any of it.
"Even if they wouldn’t admit it and some would," I forced out, "You are the Queen, and thy commands are law, especially to those who have sworn allegiance to you."
"No one has sworn allegiance to me!" She almost screamed, horrified. Her clenched fists and the panic in her eyes would have been hilarious if it didn’t feel like an ice dagger in my gut. Had she any idea how perfect she was to be in a position of power? Of course not, because if she had been aware she wouldn’t be. How could a person as young and broken as her be this…
“They will.” I heard those words slip through my lips and wished I could take them back. They would, of course. Whether it was the rumoured magic of the Queen or just Cass, no one would be able to withstand her as soon as she grew into her position. She would be a force of nature. She was a force of nature already.
“They?” She asked, a hint of anger in her voice. What would she be angry about? Aside from anger being a part of her character. Did she really not realize what would happen? It was so freaking obvious.
"I'm not one of the companions. I'm just here to make sure you don’t fail." Because this is my mission. The first one I decided for myself and I would rather die when fail. I would rather sacrifice her light before failing. "I won’t allow that."
"It almost sounds like I care about what you say and think."
She didn’t. She shouldn’t. It didn’t matter anyway.
"You don’t understand." The cold slipped into my voice. I held back a shiver as I felt the mask – my true face? – of the killer manifest itself. I pulled one of my daggers and tried to push her against one of the stone walls. It wasn’t hard enough to actually hurt, just as a reassurance of our positions. Instead of fighting me, Cass threw her weight into the swing. She grabbed with her free hand behind her as we crashed to the ground, rolling over each other. She was good. Just not good enough.
I pushed her down on the stone, pressing my dagger into her side, being cautious to not actually hurt her. Her skin felt cold to my touch and I had to forcibly fight my instinct to burn her. No, she wasn’t to be harmed. Correction, she was only to be harmed if any other option was out of the question. That had nothing to do with me not wanting to even do this to her. It was tactical.
When I looked down at her, I felt cold steel touching my throat. Cass had an expression of interest in her eyes. There was no fear or pain anywhere, just focus and concentration. Maybe she was good enough.
"I won’t allow the Queen to fail. There will be no war but a Queen who righteously rules. And that will be you and if it is the last thing you do," I told her, my voice soft and almost lovingly. I would have sworn on my life that it was an act.
"Nice to finally meet you." There was a smile playing on Cass’ lips. She seemed to be more relaxed than I had ever seen her. "In your place, I would have played the jester a bit longer. The others still believe the act."
I pushed myself of her, dragging her to her feet and letting go of her in one movement. How could she? I threatened her! I hurt her! I was ready to kill her and she just smiled? Didn’t she have any self-preservation? Didn’t she want to live? Didn’t she care about that miraculous light existing in her? Showing her what I was had been basically my last chance of getting rid of her. It had been my last chance of… not caring? I really was pathetic.
“The others don’t interest me." I pushed the dagger into my sleeve and looked back at her. How could this have happened? "You are opportunistic enough to understand and compassionate enough to do the right thing."
Panic and rage contorted her face, while it sparked the light in her eyes to suns. "You'll take that back." She threw her dagger straight at my face, missing it by millimetres.
I didn’t flinch. Whether I wanted to or not, I knew she wouldn’t hurt me without me actually trying to kill her. Just now she had had every reason to hurt me but she hadn’t. I knew she read me while she glared at me. I couldn’t be sure what she thought about me, but I was certain she knew or guessed far too correctly for comfort.
"I don’t want to live a lie anymore, and you don’t either." It was the truth. A truth that I barely accepted myself. Actually, I hadn’t, not yet. How could I? I reached behind me, pulling the dagger out of the wall and handing it to her handle first. "We can make change happen." She could make change happen. She had broken me without trying. Cass would be able to change the world.
"That's what Takumi said." She looked into my eyes, and I couldn’t begin to guess what she saw in them. She didn’t flinch back violently, so she didn’t see any of the things I saw when I looked into a mirror on the very rare occasions it actually happened.
"What do you want from me that you couldn’t have taken?"
Those words became my undoing. There was an incredible vulnerability to them, enhanced by the confused look in her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe that anyone would ask her for help. Guessing by what I suspected, there was a good chance no one ever had. Looking back at her, I saw so much more than the deadly warrior I knew her to be. I saw someone that had been broken but that didn’t give up. I saw light in a being that shouldn’t be able to feel compassion and yet here she was, showing it to me, even though I didn’t deserve any of it.
She didn’t believe that anyone wouldn’t just take from her what they needed. It didn’t seem to even cross her mind that someone would even consider giving her a choice. There was no suspicion I could detect, no falsehood, no deception.
"Your voluntary help." I felt all my masks slip as I confessed to her. "I need your help, Cass."
I had lost. Lost to a girl that didn’t seem to know how incredibly powerful she was. Not because of her strength but because she didn’t have a concept of, well, anything as far as I knew. No one who actually had a concept of concede, of self-preservation or what a thread was could be this… honest.
Of course, this was a fast spiral down for me, even if I didn’t know just yet how much I had lost and gained in this moment. I didn’t know that she would become someone I would die for in an instance. I still didn’t know how much she would do for me. What she would mean to me.
All I knew was what she was worth.