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Waking up, Ji Su gasped for air. Out of breath, tears not yet drying off her cheeks, sweat all over her body, heavy feeling in her chest, a lump in her dry throat, her wound on her side still fresh and stinging. She was lying on a cold makeshift bed with no proper pillow. The light in the room was indicating it was midday. The ceiling was dirty above. The security monitoring room she was in was all over the place. Everything, including herself, was a mess.
She must have blacked out crying in the laundry area. Someone must have put her back into the security room. It could be Sang Wook, Hyun Su or Eun Hyuk. Well, it didn’t matter. The reason why she had been crying and still… Jae Heon was dead. Just like that, he was dead. With those words he left with her, in his few moments, before running to his death, and the fact that she was left speechless and didn’t say something to make him stay, delay his departure, or encourage him – anything to stop him from dying and change the outcome – left her in so much misery and agony.
Grief, the excruciating pain of losing someone, was haunting her once again. If only she had someone to put the blame on, it would be bearable, but then, there was no one. It happened before. It happened again. Those good people around her dying one by one, the ones she had grown accustomed to. Why? She couldn’t help but think she must be carrying a curse, or she was the curse herself.
“It’s my fault…” Ji Su muttered weakly into the air, blaming herself repeatedly, hating herself all over again, as her tears streamed down her cheeks once more.
That was when Ji Su heard the kids. They sounded like they were playing. The little boy’s tone was jolly. They must be with the old man since she could hear him as well. Then, she heard the rest with their light tones, exchanging normal conversations. It was odd since she was expecting silence. Someone just died. It was common human courtesy to allow people to mourn and stay still out of respect. There was something wrong.
With her fragile strength, Ji Su pushed herself up from the flat surface and slowly stood up, enduring the wound on her side. She decided to check the rest and see their condition and the ground floor herself. Once out of the room, she encountered Eun Yu. Her haughty smile instantly flashed, “Oh, you’re up.”
As usual, Ji Su ignored the girl and walked past her. She could sense her rolling her eyes behind her. Ji Su proceeded and saw the kids and the old man playing just like what she thought. Then, she saw the rest of the Green Home survivors, giving her small smiles, kind of relieved that she was up and fine. She felt the usual depressing atmosphere mostly out of the strange and horrifying situation they were in and not because of a recent death.
As she walked further, she sighted three more figures filling up the store where they stack up food and supplies. There, Sang Wook was leaning on one shelf watching the nurse, Yu Ri, treat one other man. Ji Su’s breath hitched, recognizing the man. She stopped by the door and took a moment to process what she was seeing.
She couldn’t determine if what was happening was just a dream, or the one in her memory was the dream, or it was only her hallucinating and she was already going crazy considering the situation, but the one sitting over there, wearing faded blue dress shirt with worn out sling over his shoulder, looked like Jae Heon. Although she wasn’t certain yet, she felt like wanting to embrace what she was seeing, whatever it might be.
Jae Heon’s eyes were shut, enduring pain, as Yu Ri treat the wound on his left shoulder. Setting aside his obvious injuries and blood-stained face, Jae Heon seemed fine, a lot better than being dead. Then, Jae Heon looked up, realizing her presence in the room. They locked eyes. Ji Su was frozen on the spot.
“Ji Su…” Jae Heon called. She felt tremendous relief upon hearing his voice she thought she would never hear anymore. Her lips began to quiver. Seeing her shock state, Jae Heon began to worry. He stood up and walked towards her. He stopped before her, “Are you okay? Are you feeling well now?” She stayed silent, scanning his face, checking for signs of illusion. He went on, “If not, go and take rest as long as you want. You don’t need to push yourself – ” He was cut when she advanced a step and embraced him.
Ji Su choked hard when she felt his warmth in her arms. Jae Heon felt so real. He was warm, breathing, and alive. Tears streamed down her face, and for the first time, before everyone else (the remaining residents started to gather around the store to check the scene, but she didn’t care anymore) she cried out loud, muttering, “I’m glad…”
Jae Heon went stiff in his position, must be taken aback by the sudden contact and action. Nonetheless, Ji Su cried on and buried her face onto his fine shoulder, hugging him tight. Then, Jae Heon patted her back with his warm hand which made her realize how very comforting his hands were, the very ones she rejected shaking before. Again, she was thankful to have the chance to appreciate things. She muttered once more, “I’m glad.”
“You dreamed of me dying,” Jae Heon stated with a straight face, kind of asking, more like confirming.
“I…” Ji Su corrected, “I dreamed of you dead.” They were back in the monitoring room. Jae Heon was sitting on his old chair and Ji Su was on the edge of the same cold makeshift bed. She went on, “I know it is creepy – ”
For the first time, Jae Heon cut in, “It is creepy.” Ji Su stared at him. His eyes were leveled with hers. As his tone sounded so, he was serious. He continued, “It was really the guard who attacked us earlier and I was nearly cut down a limb if it wasn’t for Hyun Su.” Ji Su was surprised at the coincidence. She looked at his new injury and somehow felt weak imagining the possibilities. Jae Heon added, “We burned the monster in the elevator.” They went quiet for a moment. Ji Su took that time to process what she just heard.
Then, Jae Heon talked once again, eyes on the floor. His tone was more serene this time, withdrawing a small smile, “To tell you the truth, I had a strong feeling that it would be my end earlier. I’m really glad it wasn’t.” Smile widening brightly, he looked up to Ji Su, “It wasn’t God’s will for me to – ” He was cut when she glared at him. His smile instantly dropped.
“Is it funny to you?” Ji Su’s tone turned a bit higher, scolding him. “I was scared…” Remembering the dream, her voice weakened. “I was scared,” she repeated, making sure her glare was intact but failed. It faltered at the end.
Jae Heon muttered sincerely, “I’m sorry.”
After hearing that, Ji Su’s gaze softened. She sighed and covered her face. Memories started to fill in. She remembered how shattering and how heavy grief was. She didn’t want to experience the endless blame and feel the same pain again. “I’ve never felt so scared in my life ever since – ” She stopped. She wasn’t really one to say her past.
Ji Su removed her hands from her face and stared at the man before her. Jae Heon was quiet on his seat, wearing solemn expression while waiting patiently. He wasn’t still wiping the blood on his face. His hair was disheveled here and there. Supporting his right arm was the worn-out sling. On his left shoulder was the newly dressed wound. Compared to his appearance when they first met, he looked like a total mess. Then, she realized he wasn’t wearing glasses and he was supposed to be wearing one. He had been fighting without it ever since its lens cracked. He must be struggling with his vision somehow. She felt rather sorry for noticing such potential inconvenience so late.
Ji Su asked, almost quietly, “Do you find it difficult fighting without your glasses?”
Though surprised by the sudden question, Jae Heon calmly answered, “Not that clear compared to when I wear one, but I can manage.”
Ji Su didn’t fully take the answer. However, considering their situation, it was obvious they didn’t have much of a choice but adjust. She said still, “If we manage to get out of here, I’ll look for glasses. I’ll get you one.” Jae Heon softly smiled at that.
Ji Su went back staring at Jae Heon. She was glad he was letting her do so and process her thoughts. There were so many things she wanted to say but had no idea where to begin. She felt like wanting to take them out from her chest all at once. Searching for the right words, she found his sword leaning on the edge of the bed within his reach. She remembered it being broken in her dream, remembered the last time he withdrew it from its sheath before her. That reminded her of his confession.
Ji Su took a deep breath first before starting. “The dream…” she was quite hesitant, feeling a little wary to open her feelings to someone. Hoping that it would be much easier if she wasn’t looking directly at him, she averted her eyes from his face and continued, “It made me realize that…” She couldn’t find the right word. She attempted again, “I felt back there… I mean…” Frustrated at herself, she grunted.
That was when Jae Heon entered, “If you’re not comfortable, you don’t have to say it now. You can tell me when you are ready.”
“No,” Ji Su countered, “One thing I realized back there, there may be no next time.”
Jae Heon nodded, “Right.”
Ji Su exhaled. With much more determination, she looked at him and said, “I was too scared. I really thought you were gone. My feelings…” She stuttered. It was indeed difficult, but she pushed forward, “It made me realize that…” She braced herself, and then said in a flash, “…I must like you as well.” He was quiet. She took that time to add, looking away and turning to her lap, her tone serious and sincere, “You’re a good person, Jae Heon.” She looked up at him and said resolutely, “I like you too.”
Ji Su waited for Jae Heon to say something, but he remained unresponsive. He stayed staring at her with a straight face, which was a bit unsettling, which made her anxious. She asked in a firm tone nevertheless, “Hey, aren’t you supposed to say something? You’re the one who confessed first. I’m just replying back.” He was quiet still, face stiff. His lack of response made Ji Su question her memory, that maybe –
“SHIT!” she exclaimed, “Was that a dream too?!” Her reaction hurt her wound a little, but it was a grain of salt compared to the embarrassment she was feeling. She decided to dismiss everything, hoping it would save her pride and what was left of it, “Okay, just forget it. Let’s pre – ”
That was when Jae Heon finally talked in, “No, it happened. I confessed.”
That was such a relief. Ji Su sighed, and then asked after, “Then why aren’t you saying anything?”
Jae Heon explained, “I never thought my feelings would be reciprocated in any way. I am totally shocked. I don’t know how to react, but…” he took a pause and emphasized, “…I am happy. I really am.” He smiled brightly, “I can’t believe you like me back.”
Ji Su, on the other hand, just blinked several times, dumbfounded at how Jae Heon was expressing his happiness. Very typical of him. It made her laugh which merit another stabbing pain on her wound. This time, she yelped.
Jae Heon quickly supported her, rising up from his seat, and said, “You should take rest now. You’re not fully recovered yet.”
Ji Su let the man lie her down the flat bed. When she was finally rested and he was back on his chair, she told him, “You should take rest too. Both of your arms are injured.”
He gave her a reassuring smile, “My right arm is getting better. Yu Ri said I can remove the sling soon.”
She nodded, “Good.” She turned to the ceiling above, “You promised to teach me how to use a sword, so get better.”
“You, too.”
She added, “I’ll teach you how to play the bass in return.”
That earned a smile from Jae Heon, “Okay.” Then, silence.
Ji Su said almost everything she wanted. Jae Heon was alive and well. He heard all of it and she was happy and contented with his response. However, it was too surreal. Simply, there were too many good things at once that she was finding it hard to believe it was really happening. She started again, already feeling tired and sleepy but still forcing herself to stay awake, “I’m scared.”
“Hmm?”
“I’m scared still. I’m worried that if I fall asleep, I’ll wake up and find out this is all just a dream.” Anxious, she pursed her lips, hearing her heartbeats getting louder inside, “I don’t want to close my eyes.” Then, she felt warm hand wrap around her left. She slowly turned to Jae Heon and saw him giving her the most sincere and comforting smile she had ever seen him give to a person. She gripped his hand tightly in return.
Then, Jae Heon begun, “You said that I died protecting the residents here…” He rubbed her hand with his thumb. Ji Su waited, and he continued, “If it’s God’s will, if I face the same thing and be left with no choice but sacrifice my life, I’d be glad to do so. To lay down my life for my friends, I would choose that.”
Ji Su’s brows knitted, tears starting to form from the corner of her eyes. She blinked them away, and asked cynically, “And that’s supposed to comfort me? To know that you’d be happy to die?”
“No,” Jae Heon shook his head. “What I’m trying to say is, it would be my choice, my will.” His face turned so calm – very peaceful and accepting. Then, he said, “Don’t let other’s choices bother you. You don’t have to blame yourself. Ji Su, it’s not your fault.”
Hearing that, Ji Su fully cried. She remembered the last time she blamed and despised herself multiple times over other’s decision. She remembered how it haunted her up until then, and again with Jae Heon’s death. It was destructive and consuming. The words stabbed through her heart. However, it was terrifying. Jae Heon was telling her the very words she wanted and needed to hear, as if it was their last time. He knew what to say like he was preparing her for a farewell. That moment, she knew…
It wasn’t real.
“Don’t go,” Ji Su pleaded, sobbing. She felt the same lump in her throat, the one that was very hard to swallow. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe. Her wound on her side was throbbing. The pain in her chest was screaming much worse. It was even frustrating that she couldn’t see him clearly through her tears.
She heard him say, “I won’t.” Yet, she could feel it. He was slipping away.
Ji Su gripped his hand even tighter, reluctant to let go, “Don’t…”
Then, he hushed her in a tone that was very reassuring, “It’s okay. It’s okay…” Gasping for air, surrendering, Ji Su started to settle, although crying still. He went on, “I’ll always be here with you no matter what.” Her vision was becoming extremely blurry along with Jae Heon’s image. If only she could capture the moment to finally possess something to remember, to help her not forget and to continuously miss. If only she could stay a little longer —
It was almost black. She couldn’t see Jae Heon anymore, but she knew he was smiling when he said for the last time, “Thank you, Ji Su...”
.
.
.
.
“…for staying alive.”
Ji Su woke up, lying on the cold floor of the laundry area. Again, it seemed like she blacked out. Unlike in her dream, nobody transferred her to any room. Adjusting to the reality, she felt the same warmth in her left hand which was being held by Jae Heon back in her dream. There, she noticed she was holding his katana. Broken. Yes, she was back in the world where Jae Heon died a painful death, where he left her with nothing but a piece of his weapon.
Exhausted and with dried tears on her cheeks, slowly, Ji Su sat and leaned back on the adjacent wall. She held the broken piece close to her. She felt like she said what she had to say, and Jae Heon heard them all and was aware of everything.
The sword’s handle was still warm. She had the feeling it would stay like that for long, remembering his promise that he would stay by her side no matter what. She believed that. The same old regrets still lingered, but she felt less lonely, a lot way determined to stay alive. She was thankful.
Ji Su didn’t cry anymore.