Chapter Text
Remus Lupin learned at a young age that it’s better to keep people at arm’s length. If you let them get too close there was always a chance they would dig too deep and find out facts about his life no one should ever know.
That way of thinking worked until he was 11. Until Hogwarts, until lonely nights in the shack, until meeting his friends who despite his protests always poked and prodded. Specifically, Sirius, who took pride in knowing them all, every nook and cranny. The heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black could never quite deal with being left in the dark.
A surge of anger wells up in Remus but he quickly tampers it down. Yes, Sirius did on many accounts try to hear any and all of his friend’s secrets, Remus’ in particular. The teenage werewolf realizes now that this was a diversion. For in the midst of all this secret-sharing there was never a moment where Sirius had to reveal many of his. At least not the ones that mattered.
If Sirius found himself revealing too much, through jokes that didn’t make the others laugh or offhand comments that caused James to pull him aside for a late-night confessional. He would retreat into himself until one of them could coax him out of his mood.
Remus swallows around the lump in his throat. Of course, before the prank, Sirius was starting to become more open. To reveal the darker bits and pieces of his life and now there’s no telling how long it will take him to open back up again.
Remus should have known how bad it had gotten. Should have recognized that Sirius’ more recent reckless and nearly fatal decision making had a root cause.
When the boys first arrived at Hogwarts, it had been James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. Then in a few week’s time, it became JamesandSirius, and slowly as trust was earned it became JamesSiriusRemusandPeter and now it was simply the Marauders.
In the midst of mischief and numerous well-earned detentions, there was true friendship. Probably the truest friendship Remus had ever known. Now, looking at his best friend, pale and unmoving in one of the Potter’s guest room beds he could feel the anger returning.
How had he not seen it?
Sirius was partially to blame, of course, the stubborn git had always had a way of throwing attention off himself. Of making the terrible things in his life seem not so bad as if he had put a glamour charm on everything he touched.
Luckily, Remus can see clearly now, everything Sirius has been hiding since their very first year.
The boat ride to the castle felt long and short at the same time. Remus’s stomach was in knots and he knew he wasn’t alone. Over to his left, Peter who he had met on the train ride over was looking green around the gills.
“Don’t be scared Petey,” Sirius said. Ruffling the pudgy boy’s hair. The nickname clearly wasn’t welcome as Peter shot him an annoyed look. “We’re about to embark on an adventure.”
“I’m not scared,” Peter huffed, annoyed but also looking slightly less tense now. Remus looked over at Sirius who was the picture of calm.
“Of course you aren’t,” Sirius replied, winking cheekily at Remus. Remus had to hide his own half-smile. He wanted to roll his eyes at the boys teasing but it was difficult when Sirius’s smile was aimed in his direction.
“Oi! Lay off him,” James said somewhere behind Remus. They had only known each other a few hours now but Remus could already tell James Potter was someone who strived to keep the peace. To make sure everyone was happy, the same way he naturally seemed to be.
Once at the castle, the first years gasped in awe. There was something about seeing this place up close and realizing this would be their home that took Remus’ breath away. After being escorted to the Great Hall and lining up in a single file. The knot in Remus’s stomach returned. The entire school was staring at the first years as they prepared to go under the sorting hat.
“Alright, Lupin?” Sirius asked, breaking him out of his nervous thoughts.
Remus looked over to see Sirius watching him. “I..uh..yea just nervous,” he spluttered. There was no use in lying. “Are you not even a bit scared right now?”
Sirius smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “No, I’m not nervous,” Sirius replied. His smile quickly faded.
“I already know where I’ll be sorted,” Sirius revealed stealing a glance at the Slytherin table. There wasn’t much talking after that.
When it was his time Sirius walked up to the sorting hat with a grace 11-year-olds surely were not supposed to have. The hat sat atop his head for a time until finally, it belted out, “Gryffindor!” The table adorned in red and gold erupted into cheers but Remus watched as Sirius sat still in disbelief. A few older students from Slytherin were jeering rudely. It took prodding from McGonagall for Sirius to stand up and walk away from the sorting hat.
“Don’t be scared Siri,” Peter joked as Sirius walked towards the Gryffindor table looking positively ill.
“Ha, ha,” Sirius replied. He took his seat, shoulders slumped slightly. All grace and poise, temporarily forgotten.
After what felt like ages Remus found himself getting sorted into Gryffindor. He sat down next to Sirius who threw a thumbs up his way but still had a grave look on his face. Once Peter and James got sorted into Gryffindor it seemed as though the stars were aligning just right.
“Look at us, all in the same house!" James exclaimed before sitting down.
“Cheers!” Peter and Remus replied. Sirius didn’t say a word.
“Black, everything alright?” Remus asked while the others were distracted by the ceremony.
Sirius looked over seemingly ready to spill but something inside him seemed to shutter. He raised his head and gave Remus an easy-going smile; the picture of calm.
“Of course Lupin.” He replied. “Everything is perfect.”
There was a biting edge to his voice. Remus didn’t ask any more questions after that.
In the whirlwind of their first week, Remus will be the first to admit he wasn’t paying much attention to his roommates or what was going on in their lives. They were fun to be around and generally amiable when they weren’t asking Remus too many questions about his childhood or the scar on his back he’d accidentally let them see. Throughout the week, while he had been figuring out how to balance seven subjects his roommates had barely cracked a book open.
Particularly James and Sirius who spent more time working on pranks or messing with the girls in their year than their work. Peter was a dutiful student, but his constant worrying made it difficult for Remus to be around him long. This is why on a Friday afternoon when most students were getting ready to walk the grounds or head to the quidditch pitch Remus was looking forward to having the room to himself. The full moon was a week away and he needed to get a leg up on his school work.
Once he walked through the door he realized he wasn’t alone. James and Peter’s beds were empty, with books strewn about and exploding snap cards littering the floor but Sirius’ bed curtains were closed. Remus froze once he heard sniffling coming from Sirius’ direction. Before he could decide whether to leave or stay the floor creaked beneath his feet and the sniffling quickly stopped. Sirius poked his head around the curtain soon after, his eyes red-rimmed from crying.
“Oh it’s you,” Sirius said, his voice a bit wobbly. “Expected everyone to be out and enjoying the sunshine.”
Remus stepped closer and put his books down on his bed. “Uh...me too,” he rubbed the back of his neck feeling awkward. Then he got a distinct feeling like he shouldn’t ignore Sirius’ obvious crying. “You alright there mate?”
Remus looked away and pretended to be tidying up his bed as Sirius wiped his eyes. “Yea..fine.” There was a moment of tense silence before Remus sat down and looked across at the other boy. “Rough first week?”
If things had been tough for Sirius he hadn’t made it obvious. “You could say that,” Sirius replied. He then gathered up a stack of letters that were sitting on his bedside table and handed them to Remus. He flipped through them seeing the names Walburga and Orion on the front in incredibly neat handwriting.
“What are these?”
“Letters from my parents, expressing their disdain of me being sorted into Gryffindor.” Remus looked at him in alarm. “I’m expected to be switched into Slytherin by next week.”
Remus started to open a letter and then looked up at Sirius for approval. Sirius gave him a slight nod but he looked nervous, an expression Remus hadn’t seen on him, not even that first night in the Great Hall. The letters were short and to the point but they still packed a punch. No wonder Sirius had been crying. If Remus’ parents sent him letters telling him he was dishonoring them and bringing shame to their family name because of a decision he had no control over he’d have the same reaction.
"Sirius..” his voice trailed off. What was the right thing to say?
He settled for, “I’m sorry.”
Sirius shot him a watery smile. “Nothing I haven’t heard before,” he replied. He seemed to be trying to lighten the mood. “It’s just,” he started to say, not making eye contact with Remus any longer. “It would be nice if my parents could be happy for me." The for once was silent but Remus heard it anyway.
There were tears in Sirius' eyes again and Remus struggled with how to respond. “I bet they are happy for you, just a bit shocked is all and not used to change."
Before either of them could say anything else James and Peter burst through the door. “Told you they would be here Peter,” James said, before taking off his robes and throwing them onto his bed.
Sirius grabbed the letters from Remus and stowed them under his pillow while wiping his eyes. He cleared his throat quietly before turning and facing James. “Lupin and I were trying to get some peace and quiet to do homework but I guess that won’t be happening now.” If he wasn't concerned, Remus would be highly impressed at the ease at which the lie left Sirius' mouth.
James pulled a face. “You were doing homework?”
Sirius shot him a dazzling grin, “well not exactly, prank planning is more accurate.”
After that, the room was a flurry of excitement. Remus realized he wouldn’t be getting any homework done and the sorting incident wasn't spoken of again.