Work Text:
One Week Before Christmas
“I mean, it’s been done before but no one here had figured it out until I put two and two together and made it work for this project.” Bucky is barely paying attention to Steve in the tiny Skype window in the corner of his computer screen as he tries to get past this level of Candy Crush. He’s been listening to Steve for about 20 minutes now talking about some breakthrough on the storyboard his company has been working on and Bucky’s bored to tears. He’s barely making the necessary noises to make sure Steve knows he’s listening at this point.
The job in LA had been a great opportunity for Steve and, in the beginning, it would have only required Steve to travel to LA for a few days every month. But then COVID had kicked all their asses and Steve’s now been stuck in LA since August. It just seemed too expensive and, let’s be honest, way too unhealthy for him to keep flying back and forth between LA and New York especially if the company he worked for was going to spring for a studio apartment for Steve to stay in.
Bucky was, and is, proud of Steve for following his dreams and applying for the job with the animation studio despite its west coast location. They had assured Steve that he could work from his Brooklyn apartment most of the time as long as he made the trips out to LA for brainstorming sessions that were somehow better in person than online. But that was back in 2019 before he and Bucky had pulled their head out of their asses and decided to give this relationship thing a try. Now it’s 2020 and the year has been shit, but Bucky had really been hoping that Steve would be home in time to spend their first real Christmas together.
“That’s great, Steve. I’m real happy for you.” Bucky tries to smile and let his boyfriend know that he’s listening, but it’s hard when he’s alone. The lockdown hasn’t been easy for him and it feels sometimes like he’s the only one that is feeling the effects of social distancing.
His employer had quickly transitioned to having everyone work at home and, while Bucky had been excited at first to spend everyday working in his pajamas, the shine had quickly worn off when he realized that he missed being around his co-workers every day. There’s only so much TV he can watch when he’s working and his upstairs neighbors like to play their music way too loud.
“Yeah, you sound happy, Buck,” Steve says sarcastically. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just,” Bucky takes a deep sigh and looks at Steve in the Skype window. Steve is looking earnestly back at him and Bucky doesn’t want to ruin his day, it’s just that he’d been hoping Steve would be coming back for Christmas and instead it sounds like he’ll be staying in LA until at least January. “I want you home. And, I know it makes me sound petulant, but you sound like you’re having so much fun out there in California and I’m stuck here in the cold, in lockdown, working from home with no one but the cat to keep me company.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Steve whispers. “I know it’s been hard. I’ve missed you more than I can say.” Bucky sees Steve put his hand up to the screen and Bucky mirrors it on his end. The softness in Steve’s voice makes Bucky feel better as does the fact that Steve starts asking about their friends in New York and what they are all up to. They spend another hour talking about anything but work and Bucky goes to bed that night with a smile on his face.
Two Days Before Christmas
“So, I found this neat tee shirt at a little surf shop by the beach. I think Nat’s gonna love it.” Steve’s holding up a tee shirt with a surfing cow on it for Bucky to see. Bucky’s looking but for the past 10 minutes or so he’s been fighting back tears. Steve’s still going out and having human interactions and buying gifts he won’t even be able to deliver in person because he’s stuck in fucking Los Angeles while Bucky is fucking stuck in the apartment in Brooklyn! He turns and looks at the tree in the corner, resigned to the fact that he is now going to cry. Even the gifts he’s bought Steve, as awesome as they are, were bought 100% online because he wanted to follow the stay-at-home guidelines.
How dare he brag about going to the beach and going shopping when I haven’t left the apartment in two weeks! Bucky looks away from the screen, takes a deep breath and looks back. He’s trying not to frown, but he’s not sure he’s succeeding. Steve seems not to have noticed as he sets the tee shirt somewhere off to the side while he appears to look for something else to show off.
“And I can’t wait for you to see what I bought you, Buck,” Steve continues as he glances back at the screen. “I asked Clint for advice so I hope he didn’t say anything about what you’re getting.”
“Steve, stop.” Bucky doesn’t shout, but he’s sure he was louder than he intended. But, fuck. Steve just keeps going on and on and he doesn’t know what else to say to make Steve stop talking. Steve looks shocked, his mouth hanging open as Bucky takes a deep breath, counts to 10 and blows it out of pursed lips. “Are you really going out and shopping for Christmas presents during a lockdown in California? Really? They’ll never let you come home in January if you keep flaunting the stay-at-home order and I couldn’t handle it if they made you stay there any longer than you have to.”
“I, no, Buck. Baby, I bought this a few months ago when there weren’t as many cases and they were trying to get people to support small businesses. Since they’ve increased the travel restrictions, I’ve been staying in the apartment and only going back and forth to work. I’m even getting my take out and groceries delivered. I promise, I’ve been safe.” Steve’s pleading at this point and it makes Bucky uncomfortable, but he’s been feeling for the past couple of weeks that Steve hasn’t been taking any of this seriously.
“It’s not just that, Steve. You’re showing me all these amazing things you’ve bought for our friends, but you won’t be here to exchange gifts. You’ve told me that you went shopping for me, but no packages have shown up at my door and I have a pile of gifts here that you told me not to send to you because you were going to be home!” Great, now he sounds like a child complaining about not enough gifts under the tree.
“Oh, honey,” Steve says, crestfallen.
“I know that might sound selfish, but I’ve been trying to hold it together without you. It’s been so…so ha-hard and I just, I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I-I-I am and I’m working but I just want to quit and –” Bucky stops, somewhat ashamed that he’s been unloading all this angst on a boyfriend that can’t do anything about it from the other side of the country.
“And what, Bucky?”
Bucky wipes his face angrily and stares at Steve on his computer screen for a few moments. “If you aren’t going to be home for Christmas, that’s fine. And if you’re not as unhappy as I am about it, that’s fine too. But I can’t keep pretending that everything is all wine and roses when I’m falling apart just about every day. So maybe let’s take a break from talking and you can have Christmas out in LA with your work friends and I’ll just be here at home and when I can handle talking to you again, I’ll call. Okay?” Bucky clicks the End Call button and then stares at his desktop, shocked at his actions.
“Did I just hang up on my boyfriend?” He asks out loud. “Holy shit, I think I just hung up on my boyfriend.” He feels just a little guilty and, just to make sure he isn’t tempted to apologize, he closes his laptop and turns off his cell phone. He turns off all the lights but leaves the Christmas tree lights on so that he can see them through the bedroom doorway while crawling in to bed. He buries his head in his pillow, wishing that he could even get a small whiff of Steve’s cologne on the sheets. Unfortunately, that wonderful smell had washed out after the second time Bucky changed the sheet. Instead, he cries himself to sleep hoping that when he wakes up tomorrow that things will maybe look up for once.
Christmas Eve
“ Hey, this is Steve. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” Bucky punches the End Call button and huffs. This is the fourth time today he’s tried to call Steve and been sent directly to voicemail. It’s goddamned Christmas Eve and he’s going to have to leave a goddamned voicemail.
Bucky barely restrains the urge to throw his phone across the room. It’s not the phone’s fault, after all. After he’d hung up on Steve yesterday, he’d felt bad but not bad enough to apologize. He just doesn’t understand how Steve can be so nonchalant about not coming home for Christmas. They’ve been having these conversations since August when Steve told Bucky he’d be staying in Los Angeles for the foreseeable future. Bucky was fine with Steve not coming home for Thanksgiving since it really isn’t something either of them celebrate. Bucky worked all week anyway. But he’d been planning to take the week before Christmas off to spend time with Steve and enjoy their first Christmas together as an official couple since the end of September.
He’s tried texting a few friends to see if they’ve heard from Steve, but they don’t know anything and Bucky doesn’t want to bother anyone unnecessarily on Christmas Eve. No one is doing anything outside of celebrating with the people in their bubble, but Bucky doesn’t want to ruin their day by being needy. Not that any of his friends would call him needy to his face. They would be kind and tell him he’s always welcome to call or text, but he would feel bad anyway.
It’s fine. It’s absolutely fine. He and his cat can just burrito themselves on his couch with popcorn, comfort pjs and multiple viewings of White Christmas. Steve loves this movie and it makes Bucky feel closer to Steve to mouth along to the words. Steve will watch anything with singing and dancing, but White Christmas is a holiday favorite and he could never find someone to watch it with him during the month leading up to the holiday. Last Christmas, Bucky agreed to sit down and watch it with him despite never really understanding the appeal of musicals. He still may not love musicals the way Steve does, but he’s watched White Christmas once a month since last December and does not feel bad about it.
Bucky’s halfway into “Mandy” when his door buzzer goes off. He lets it go because he’s not expecting any deliveries and none of his friends have texted to say they are coming over. But the buzzer keeps going off and after the fourth time, Bucky relents and pauses the DVR to get up and hit the intercom button.
“Yeah, what?” He doesn’t care that he’s not being nice. It’s Christmas Eve and, unless it’s someone delivering him a million dollars, he’s not interested.
“Bucky?” He doesn’t recognize the muffled voice, but the person on the end knows him by his nickname and not his given name, so that makes him wary. Unless this is a package delivery for him, in which case any one of his friends could have given the delivery company his nickname.
“Uh, yes?”
“Buck, it’s me. Let me in.” Bucky’s ears fill with white noise and he presses a hand against the wall to help keep himself upright. There’s no way he’s hearing this right now and the tears which he’d kept at bay since his breakdown yesterday are threatening to come back full force.
“Stevie?” Bucky whispers. He pinches himself because he must be dreaming. He turns, expecting to see himself asleep on the couch, cuddled up with the cat. But no, the couch is empty of both human and feline. He turns back to the intercom. Bucky is almost afraid to respond in case the voice on the other end turns out not to be his boyfriend.
“Bucky, sweetheart? You there?” Bucky looks at the clock. 5 pm. Is that where Steve’s been all day? On a plane home? He shakes his head and hits the door button, allowing Steve to come in the front door downstairs. He unlocks his apartment door and rushes out into the hallway. It’s cold out here and Bucky didn’t put his slippers on before rushing out his door. He’s standing at the head of the stairs with his hands inside his hoodie, wrapped around his waist. He can hear Steve talking to someone on the first floor. That’s his Steve -- always polite even if he’s got somewhere to be.
“Steven, get your ass up here!” Bucky cries down the stairwell. A blonde head pokes out from over the handrail starting up the first floor steps and smiles at him. Well, there go the tears again , Bucky thinks, sniffling. He wipes away the tears with the cuff of his hoodie, but smiles tremulously as he sees Steve start up the stairs to his floor with two suitcases in tow. As soon as he clears the last step, Bucky grabs Steve around the neck and buries his face in Steve’s chest. He’s not crying, not yet, but it’s hard to breath and he feels like without Steve’s arms around his back that he might just fall into a puddle on the floor.
“C’mon, honey,” Steve says quietly. “It’s cold out here. Let’s get everything into the apartment.” Bucky wipes his eyes, sniffs again, and grabs the handle of one of Steve’s suitcases. Neither of them are saying anything, but Bucky turns his head and sees the same dopey smile on Steve’s face that he knows he’s currently wearing. Steve closes the apartment door as they both get inside with all of Steve’s stuff. For now, Bucky hopes Steve won’t decide that he needs to unpack everything. Now that Steve’s home, he doesn’t think he’ll want to let him do anything for the next two weeks at least. Screw everything, Bucky needs some touch therapy ASAP.
They stand facing each other for what feels like hours. Both still wearing smiles, neither seems in a hurry to break the silence with words. It’s quiet enough in the apartment that Bucky hears his own heart beat but instead of the steady thump-thump, all he hears is he’s here, he’s here, he’s here. Bucky didn’t realize how much he’d actually missed having another body around, and especially Steve’s body, until it was gone for an extended period of time.
“Steve, I’m--” Bucky blurted out. “Buck, can I--” Steve started at the same time. They both laughed and looked away from each other. “You go first,” Steve said after they both returned to staring at one another.
“I just--I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” Bucky replied, looking at his feet. He had been dreading the apology and had planned on delivering it as soon as he was able to get a hold of Steve. He’d never dreamed he would be apologizing in person and, for some reason, this is so much harder to do. “I know you know how hard this has been on me being here in quarantine while you were in California, but it’s no excuse to say the things I did. I was stupid and, ya know, I’m sorry.”
Bucky hears Steve cross the room and feels a hand on his chin guiding his head up. He looks into Steve’s eyes. Steve is looking at Bucky very softly, almost regretfully. “Oh honey, I don’t want you to talk like that about my boyfriend,” Steve whispers. He leans forward and kisses Bucky’s forehead. Bucky closes his eyes as he savors the first real touch he’s had in weeks and Steve’s first touch in almost 6 months. Screw whatever it is that Steve wants to say, Bucky thinks as he launches himself into Steve’s arms and hugs him like he’s never going to let go.
“Okay, then,” Steve laughed. “I can say this to the top of your head. James Barnes, there is nothing in my life more important than you. I’m going to apologize to you too because I really didn’t understand how this was affecting you and you have the infuriating ability to hide how you are feeling sometimes until you blow up with it.” Bucky nods into Steve’s chest. Yep, that sure sounds like him. “I wanted my trip home to be a surprise, which is why I didn’t send any gifts home.”
“Oh Stevie,” Bucky interrupts. “It’s not about stupid presents and I’m sorry I even said that.”
“Hush now, sweetheart,” Steve coos. “I know that. I just didn’t know how not to ruin the surprise so I decided it would be best to not say anything. I thought I was making it clear that you were my priority, even if I couldn’t tell you I would be coming home for Christmas this year.” Steve is rubbing Bucky’s back as he talks and Bucky is about to start purring at this point. He’s wondering how he can wrangle Steve over to the couch for a nap when Steve continues.
“Hey.” Steve pulls back from Bucky, which he does not like one bit. The frown on his face must make Steve aware because he chuckles and hugs Bucky again before releasing him and stepping back. “Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to take a quick shower because I smell like recycled air and germs. You,” he points at Bucky, “Are going to go sit on that couch and not tempt me to take longer than 5 minutes in the bathroom and then we’ll find a movie and snuggle for the rest of the day. How does that sound?”
Bucky ducks his head and looks at Steve through his lashes. “I was watching White Christmas when you showed up. Think maybe we could start over at the beginning?”
Steve laughs as he walks backwards towards his suitcases. “That’s the spirit, Buck. You want a snack or something? I’m not going to let you up from that couch for a good long while.” Bucky smiles and nods. As he’s turning to head towards the kitchen, he hears one last thing from Steve.
“You know I love you, Buck, right?” Steve is so solemn when he says it, like he’s trying to impress his vow into Bucky’s skin. “I’m with you till the end of the line.”
“Till the end of the line,” Bucky repeats, so full of love and hope now that Steve’s back with him.