Chapter Text
Bucky walked into his room. A room that despite him having stayed there for the past year still didn’t feel like his own. It wasn’t just the room though, it was everything. Ever since the war, and maybe to a degree even before the war, Bucky had felt out of place. He didn’t belong in this place or maybe even in this time. He shouldn’t even be alive.
The Supreme Court had exonerated Bucky of any guilt of the things HYDRA had made him do. That didn’t mean Bucky had forgiven himself though. He hadn’t, which was why he had agreed to move into the Tower when Sam had asked him for help running the new Avengers team. Bucky had red in his ledger, as Nat would have said, and maybe helping Sam would clear some of that out.
It didn’t feel like it had though. All Bucky did was more fighting and more killing. Bad guys this time around, and the killing was only when they gave him absolutely no other choice. Still, he was doing all the things he had promised himself, while he lived in Wakanda that he was through with. Bucky lived in the building that had once been owned by a man that had tried to kill him. With good right. Bucky had taken everything from Tony Stark and had never had the chance to even try to apologize. Not that an apology would mean anything to a kid whose parents he had brutally murdered.
“It wasn’t really you, Buck.”
Steve’s words rang in his head, and even though Bucky knew Steve was right, he didn’t feel it. He doubted that he ever really would. He remembered every waking moment. He remembered the torture, the experiments and the brainwashing. Worse than that, he remembered them. Innocent eyes shining with fear before his hands robbed them of their lives. He remembered the pull of a trigger and blood spatter on walls, windows and cars. He remembered it all, and it was hard not to blame himself for what had been done by his own hands even if he wasn’t in control.
The guilt wasn’t enough to keep him here anymore though. Steve had gotten to live the life that had been stolen from him, and Sam had taken over the mantle of Captain America. He was great at it, even if Bucky would never say that to his face. Sam didn’t need Bucky, at least not anymore. Steve seemed as if he had found peace. Even with Peggy having passed, he was still surrounded by kids, grandkids and friends. Bucky didn’t need to worry about either of them. So he decided to take his therapists advice and worry about himself for a little bit.
Bucky threw his bag on the bed next to his helmet and looked around the room. Even if it never felt like home, it still felt strange to walk away. For the first time in his life, he was well and truly going to be on his own. With no one to help or look after. No one but himself. The thought of that terrified him, but he knew he had to do this.
Bucky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath just as a knock on the door sounded, and the door opened behind him.
“What? You thought you could sneak off without saying goodbye?” Sam’s teasing voice sounded behind him.
“Sam…” Steve scolded. The one word speaking a million just as always.
Bucky smiled turning around to face his two friends. “And risk having a stupid drone bird following me until I get back?”
“Hey. Redwing is not stupid,” Sam pointed a finger at Bucky, before smirking. “And I distinctly remember him saving your ass a few times.”
“You are coming back?” Steve interrupted, drawing Bucky’s attention to him. Steve looked so much older than him now, but Bucky still saw the same kid he had grown up with over a century ago. He always had. No matter what changes Steve had gone through, Bucky still saw him for who he had always been.
“Off course I am pal. You did right?” Bucky smiled, reminding Steve of the conversation they had shared just over a year ago. For Bucky at least for Steve it was half a lifetime ago.
“Bucky…” Steve started, but Bucky just shook his head to stop him.
“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine. You should worry about this one instead,” Bucky gave Sam’s shoulder a friendly squeeze. “I don’t know what he’ll do without me out there.”
“I’ll do just fine, thank you very much Tinman,” Sam huffed, before reaching out to pull Bucky into a bone crushing hug. “Don’t be a stranger. I don’t wanna have to track you down again because Steve worries.”
Bucky laughed, hugging Sam back.
“I won’t. Be careful out there okay?” Bucky said, pulling back, looking a little more serious before turning to Steve.
The worried frown on Steve’s face made Bucky want to laugh. He couldn’t remember how many times he had given Steve that exact look, knowing that no matter what he would say, nothing could change the stubborn punk’s mind anyway.
“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Bucky mirrored the words he had said to Steve before going off to war; the same words Steve had said to him before returning to his past with Peggy.
That line, drew a small smile to Steve’s face even if it was battling worry lines deeper than ever now.
“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” Steve answered just like expected, and Bucky grinned before leaning in to hug Steve goodbye.
“Nonsense. I’m leaving him right here with you,” Bucky grinned, looking over Steve’s shoulder at Sam.
“I’m really not gonna miss you,” Sam huffed in pretend annoyance, but Bucky knew his words meant the exact opposite. Even if his relationship with Sam was more than a little odd, Bucky still counted him as one of his best friends. One of two actually.
Saying goodbye to them hadn’t been easy, but Bucky had done it. He felt as if he was closing a chapter of his life as he walked out of the Avengers’ Tower. He closed the strap to his backpack across his chest, put his helmet on and mounted his bike. He started the engine, giving the Tower one last look, before raving up the bike and taking off. Destination unknown, even to himself, and Bucky kinda liked the feeling of freedom. Something he had never truly felt in his life before, at least not since he was a kid riding a truck back home after spending all his money with Steve on Coney Island.