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Danny had just written the date, December 13, 2020, in his journal, and was about to write the number of days his husband had been deployed (42, almost a month and a half), when the cries of his youngest son captured his attention.
“Right on time, kiddo.” Danny muttered to himself. He briefly glanced at the clock, noting it was 4:57, but that meant nothing to him anymore. In the eight and a half years he’d been married to Steve, he’d lost any notion of what civilians might consider “early in the morning”. Half-awake, he patted his thighs, remembering he’d slipped on his pajama pants when he got out of bed, but decided not to bother finding a t-shirt before slipping across the hall to the nursery.
Danny looked in the crib at his two month old. “Hey Kevin, what’s up, buddy? Probably need a fresh pair of drawers, huh?” The smell confirmed his suspicions. “Oh yeah, that’s a good one. Come here then.” Kevin calmed immediately as he was held, and the calm smile that had already endeared him to both his parents was fixed on his tiny face by the time Danny had his diaper off. Danny prattled on about things, knowing from past experience it was best to keep talking to babies. Not that Danny needed encouragement to talk, but with Steve gone he found nearly any silence uncomfortable.
“You’re definitely your Daddy’s boy.” Danny told Kevin. “Early risers, the both of you.”
“And when was the last time you missed a sunrise, Danno?” echoed a voice from behind him. He jumped, turned, and saw the outline of his eldest daughter in the doorway, always tan and thin, her long brown hair flowing over her shoulders, pinned over one ear with a pink plumeria blossom hair clip. She was dressed in a white camisole and pink sweatshorts that were much shorter than Danny would have liked, but she was a sensible girl, technically a woman, and could do as she liked.
“Startled me Gracie.”
She ignored his complaint as she joined him at the changing table. “Good morning baby!” she cooed. “You definitely are like Daddy, because you smile so much and you’re so laid back!” She kissed her little brother’s feet and then nuzzled them with her nose.
“Monkey, move.” Danny rolled his eyes as he secured the fresh diaper and began to button up Kevin’s onesie. “Laid back, my ass. Leave some crumbs on the table and just watch how tightly wound he gets – you know that.”
“That’s just with you, Danno, and just to push your buttons.” Grace smirked.
Danny inhaled sharply to protest, but she cut him off. “Hey, I gotta defend the guy while he’s not here.”
“Bah.” Danny huffed. “Be a good daughter and go start the coffee, and pop a bottle in the microwave.”
It was Grace’s turn to roll her eyes. “Will that be all, sir?”
“You’re the best.” Danny smiled and nodded. “Isn’t she the best?” He cooed down at his son, picking him up. “Simply the best.” He mimicked Tina Turner poorly as he and Kevin started downstairs.
***
The sky was slate gray and Danny was on his second cup of coffee (and had slipped on one of his husband’s Naval Academy shirts) by the time Mark trundled downstairs with his twin Rebecca and his younger sister Jane in tow. The twins were close in age to Jane, just over a year apart, and so inseparable they could almost have been triplets. Though they never talked about it with the children, Danny was sure the twins were Steve’s and Jane was his. It was a frequent topic of conversation, though they never cared enough to really find out.
The twins had, in fact, just turned five the previous week, and Danny noted with some pride that the last remnants of the over-the-top birthday party he’d thrown for them had finally disappeared from the house and the yard. He secretly hoped Steve would be deployed long enough for him to pay the credit card bill before he came home, but if he didn’t Danny knew his husband would understand his overcompensating for his absence. A bit self-conscious, definitely, a bit selfish, perhaps, but Danny did feel better in the end. Danny made new discoveries about himself, and his own parents every day he’d been a parent. Discovering those same moments he’d been frustrated with his parents and wondering why they behaved the way they did were no different when repeated with his own children—and he realized with some surprise that parenting is more than just being in charge – it’s being in charge in spite of your own fear, and insecurity, and self-doubt.
“We want guava juice.” Mark announced, his dimpled chin in the air and his blue eyes sparkling. Spitting image of his father, Danny thought.
“Bettah say please, keiki.” Grace said, putting her cereal down on the counter before opening the refrigerator.
“Do you speak for your sisters now, too?” Danny was amused. The little girls nodded.
Jane broke away from the trio and stood in front of Danny, her outstretched arms indicating she wanted to be held. Danny picked her up and sat her on his lap, pulling her blonde hair out of her face and planting a kiss on top of her head as Grace set a glass of guava juice down on the counter next to where the two were perched on a stool.
“Is Daddy coming home today Danno?” she asked with remarkable clarity for her age.
Danny shook his head. “I don’t know Janie girl. I hope so.”
“I miss Daddy.” Jane said.
“What do you miss about Daddy?” Danny asked, handing her the juice.
Jane took a sip and thought for a long moment. “Kisses.” She said, finally.
“But I give you kisses. Gracie gives you kisses. Kono and Chin give you kisses.” Danny said. “You get plenty of kisses, little miss.”
“It’s not the same.” She said. “I miss Daddy’s kisses.”
“I’ll tell him to give you extra kisses when he gets home. I miss his kisses too, you know.”
“Why did he go away?” She asked.
“Honey, I’ve told you. He goes away to keep us safe.”
“But that’s what he does here.”
“There are different kinds of bad guys all over the world, sweetheart. I’m sure he’ll be home soon.”
Danny swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure when Steve would be home, because Steve never told him when he would be home.
***
Steve had waited until the last possible minute to tell Danny he’d been called up for duty.
He’d it said one night as they sat up in bed, reading together before turning the light out and drifting off in each other’s arms, as they did most weeknights. Danny looked over at his husband, and could immediately see the tension in his entire upper body as he studied Danny, frozen and glassy-eyed, for a response, and he knew right away Steve had put off telling him because he was afraid it would get ugly.
Danny held up a finger. “Ignore this, babe.” He turned his head as though he were about to sneeze, and let fly a resounding “Shit!” into the empty space of their bedroom.
“Danny! The baby!”
Danny winced. He’d forgotten they had a newborn sleeping across the hall. They both sat silent and still, studying the other’s face, straining to hear a cry. Satisfied that one wasn’t coming, at least not for a few more hours when Kevin would invariably wake up hungry or wet, Danny put his book down and reached out for Steve, pulling him close, dark head settling on Danny’s chest with an arm laid across his middle, hand lazily tracing his ribs. Though Steve was pliant in his arms, Danny could still feel palpable tension as he traced a line up his back and across his shoulders before dropping a kiss to the top of his head, a patented Danny McGarrett nervous habit when he was thinking about what to say.
Steve finally broke the silence. “Really? One expletive is all I get? How are you this calm? Last time you blew a gasket and wouldn’t talk to me for two days.” He recalled.
Danny smiled. “That was five years and four children ago. Wouldn’t you agree I’ve mellowed?”
Steve was silent; Danny knew that was his way of agreeing. He wouldn’t disagree, but he wouldn’t surrender.
“Can I remember all the odds and ends? I’m sure.”
“Do you remember what happens if… something happens?” Steve asked.
Danny repeated from memory. “There’ll be two officers in dress uniform on the doorstep. Send the kids upstairs, don’t forget to call Mary. Has anything changed in your, um, final plans, should you happen to find yourself up against some superhuman freak of nature who manages to take you out?”
Steve snorted.
“Babe, you told me it was important last time, and I’m asking you this time. Any changes?”
Steve thought for a minute. “Yeah. Not cremation. No scattering ashes at sea. I want a burial plot, here in Hawai’i. Next to you.”
Danny swallowed. “Expensive. But noted.”
“Danny you know money’s not a problem.”
“I know, I know. I’m not used to that. Anything else?”
“Do you want Mrs. Nishimura to start coming on weekends, too? She said she didn’t mind it last time.”
Danny thought for a moment. Thankfully Steve’s Special Ops deployments weren’t for a year like for most. Last time it had been five weeks.
“When are you leaving?” he asked.
“Sunday.”
Danny sighed. “I’ll see if Gracie wants to stay over and help with the kids.”
“Oh, I keep forgetting she’s 18 now. No more custody issues.”
“As if Rachel didn’t pretty much give up as soon as she started driving anyway.”
Steve shifted against Danny’s shoulder and tucked a long leg over Danny’s middle. “The kids would like that.”
“I’m gonna miss you, you know.” Danny said. “How long will you be gone?”
“Can’t tell you that.”
“Sure you can.”
“No I mean, Danny, I would-“Steve gasped in exasperation. “But it’s not the kind of thing I know how long it’ll take, you know? Could be three weeks, could be three months.”
“Is it dangerous?”
“No.”
“You’re lying.”
Silence.
“Why does it have to be you?”
“Danny.” Steve warned.
“No, I mean why does it have to be you?
“Danny.”
“How big is the Navy? How many other Super SEALs are out there? There’s got to be-“
Danny was interrupted by a warm, commanding kiss that pushed him back against the pillow.
Danny felt a wave of heavy-lidded submission wash over him as Steve pulled back and looked him in the eye.
“Baby,” Steve whispered. “It’s what I signed up for, and it’s what you signed up for when you married me, you know that.”
“I know,” Danny said softly. “But there was nothing in the vows about me not being scared out of my goddamned mind.”
“You wanna hear a secret, Danny?”
Danny nodded.
“The last time I deployed, there were moments when I thought about you and Gracie, and Jack, and Michael and I got so scared I might not see any of you again that I wanted to get up and walk away and not stop until I had you all in my arms and I could make sure you were safe. And that scared me because I don’t ever remember being scared before. I remember tension, like primal fear because everybody gets that, but it was the first time I ever felt, ya know, scared yellow, like I wanted to curl up and cry, because I never had something worth losing before.”
Danny was moved, but he wasn’t through. “Then why are you going back?”
Steve kissed him again. “Because I’m even more scared of what might happen if I stop fighting. If I fight you can lose me. If I don’t fight we can all lose everything.”
“Damn you and your explanations.” Danny smiled.
“I love you, Danny McGarrett.” Steve smiled back in return.
“I love you Steven McGarrett.”
“Come here.” Steve said, rolling over and pulling Danny on top of him. “We’ve got a week. How ‘bout you spend it giving me something to remember when I’m hard up in the field?”
“Yes sir.” Danny smiled as he slipped off Steve’s pajama bottoms.
***
Steve left at dawn the following Sunday. The dawn was another flawless one, the sun painting the sky cotton candy pink, turning the bright green mountains into a gold tinged fleece. Danny and Steve had been up in the predawn hours as they normally were, Danny making coffee and Steve truncating his morning swim for one final packing check before taking his husband’s hand and visiting each of their still slumbering children one by one to wake them to say goodbye to their Daddy.
Jack had been stoic, still sleepy, although Danny secretly suspected their oldest had always been Steve’s favorite, and Steve’s façade was starting to crack by the time he got up from the bed to say goodbye to Michael, on the other side of the room. Their redheaded second child was already awake, and fighting back tears as Steve joined Danny on his bed. Steve pulled him up onto his lap and began to rock the child while he cried.
“Daddy will be home soon, Mikie.” He soothed. “I’ll miss you.”
“I don’t want you to go.” Michael mumbled.
“I know you don’t. But it’ll go by before you know it.”
Danny’s heart ached as he watched Steve comfort their son. Michael’s unruly mop of red hair was askew in bed head that resembled Danny’s own, his cheek lazily resting atop the moss colored uniform t-shirt stretched tight over Steve’s collarbone, his little arms draped awkwardly over Steve’s broad shoulders. Steve smoothed back his son’s hair and nuzzled his nose next to his ear.
“How ‘bout a kiss, kiddo?”
Michael sniffed and nodded. “Kisses.” He said, and kissed his father.
“And Eskimo kisses.” Steve said as he smiled and they rubbed noses. “I love you Michael.”
“I love you Daddy.” Michael wiped away a tear.
“And Danno loves you too, and I’ll still be here.” Danny said, kissing his son.
“I love you too Danno.”
“Hey, Mikie, what day is it?” Danny smiled.
Michael thought for a moment. “Sunday.”
“And what’s that mean?”
“Sunday Morning cartoons!” Michael visibly brightened.
“I bet there are some on now, even this early. Why don’t you and your brother go downstairs and find some to watch?”
Michael bounded out of bed and Jack, having heard Danny’s suggestion, quietly rubbed his eyes and followed slowly behind, clutching his biggest Eeyore—his favorite. Steve had gotten it for his first birthday. Between Steve and Danny they’d gotten him half a dozen of various sizes others that littered his bed. He was often melancholy just like the gloomy grey donkey, but Danny had noticed that was well countered by a quiet, deep involvement in his interests, and the soft, subtle affection he shared with his parents and siblings. Steve never admitted it, but Danny was convinced Jack was very close to how Steve was at that same age.
Across the hall, the three younger children didn’t quite seem to grasp the gravity of what Daddy leaving meant, and Steve and Danny both found themselves answering a lot of questions they’d already fielded during the week about how long Daddy would be gone. Steve slipped out while Danny was explaining what would be different with Daddy gone and no, he didn’t know how long it would be.
When he got to the nursery, he stopped for a moment in the doorway and took in the sight of that impossibly fit man, looking so great in his camouflage that fit so well it looked painted on, illuminated in the light of the window holding his tiny newborn, rocking slowly back and forth with a goofy smile spread across his face while he enjoyed a brief moment alone with his little boy.
“I’m gonna miss you, too, little guy.”
Danny could hear the frog in his throat as he approached from the door and he wrapped his arms around Steve and Kevin and looked up into those watering eyes with an inquisitive look. He knew a look was all it would take to get Steve to let it out.
Steve looked back down at Danny and let a twin pair of tears fall.
“Dammit.” Steve said. Danny framed Steve’s face with his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.
“If I don’t come back, he won’t remember me. He won’t ever know me.”
“I seem to remember you saying you signed up for this, babe.” Danny smiled calmly up at him.
“I did. You did. He didn’t. He’s innocent, of all this.”
Danny sighed. In the rare moment that Steve chose to let the bottom fall out of his confidence, he couldn’t have timed this one better. Danny found himself in the awkward position of having to advocate for a deployment he frankly wasn’t on board with in the first place. “That innocence is what you’re fighting to protect, Steve. How many times have you spouted that off to me when I complained about you leaving? Come on, traffic’s gonna be bad if we wait much longer.”
Steve nuzzled the top of his son’s head and pressed a kiss to it one last time before placing him back into his crib.
Danny smiled. The tenderness and patience Steve showed with his children betrayed nothing of the trained killing machine he was, gave no hint of the fierce warrior set to embark on a mission of unknowns in an undisclosed location. His children could easily be forgiven for thinking their Daddy was nothing but an altruistic, kind, silly man who spent his days thinking only of ways to spoil their sensibilities, nurture their minds, and kindle their spirits.
They met Grace at the bottom of the stairs.
“Bye, Daddy.” She said, smiling, leaning up to kiss him.
“Bye Gracie. I’m so glad you’re coming to give your Danno a hand – you know he needs it.”
Danny snorted. “Such gratitude. So much freaking gratitude and thanks for the one who’s raised your children, Steven.”
“Guys, take it out to the car.” Grace laughed. “And bring me back a present, Dad!”
“Sure thing sweetie. I love you!” he called as Danny herded him out the door.
Danny actually drove for once, and Steve held his hand all the way down to Pearl. They didn’t say much. Steve threw out some last minute reminders about the house and the cars and the children.
When the sentry saluted them as they drove on base and Steve directed him to the building where he was meant to report, he felt the lump in his throat growing. He almost felt self-conscious when he stepped out of the car and walked around the front of it to his husband to kiss him goodbye—Steve looking as handsome as ever in his uniform with his sea bag slung over his shoulder, which Danny made him put down so he could get a real hug, which Steve held for a very long time.
“You know you’re the love of my life, Danny.” Steve said into his ear after some time. “Goodby-“
“No.” Danny stopped him, pulling away to look into his eyes. “Do not say that word. This is not goodbye.”
Steve thought for a split second and smiled. “Aloha.”
Danny kissed him. He didn’t care if it was a military base and DADT had been repealed nearly a decade ago, but people still stared. He didn’t care if it might be conduct unbecoming, or whatever the bureaucrats called it. He wanted to kiss him, so he did, and Steve didn’t pull away until Danny was ready, and when he was, he pulled Steve close again and pressed his cheek onto his chest as Steve wrapped his big arms all the way around his shoulders and hooked those giant paws he had for hands underneath Danny’s opposite armpits, even though Danny’s hands could barely touch each other across Steve’s broad upper back.
“Aloha, baby.” Danny said against his chest. “A hui hou.”
He watched as Steve picked up his sea bag and disappeared into the whitewashed wooden building. He drove off base with a bubble in his heart, knowing his Steve was still on the same island, still within his reach, but felt as far as away as if he’d already disappeared to wherever he was going. For the rest of the day Danny longed to go back to that whitewashed barracks, to pluck Steve out of whatever briefing he was in so he could hold him one more time before he left the island, but he knew it wouldn’t happen. Steve was gone, and he’d just have to wait until he was returned to him.
***
December 13, 2020
Steve deployed 42 days.
It’s actually after midnight now. Today was so busy I didn’t find time to write anything until just now. Ad when I say busy I mean I didn’t actually do anything; I just didn’t want to write. I spent the first half of the day watching cartoons with the kids. The usual Sunday morning stuff – you know they’re showing reruns of the Alvin & the Chipmunks cartoons now? They must be forty year old cartoons and they sure look it from some of the fashion, but the kids didn’t seem to notice. I guess there are some things about being a kid that never change.
It’s been a week and a half since those seven SEALs died in that RPG attack, and I guess they’ve finally made all the family notifications and published the list so I can stop jumping whenever I hear the phone ring. I know they don’t tell us that way if Steve dies, but a phone call could mean he’s been hurt.
I haven’t been sleeping. They say something about getting too used to sleeping with somebody so when they’re not there, you can’t do it anymore. It happened to me last time too. Mikie and Jack heard me tossing and turning sometime around ten and now there are two boys and an army of Eeyores and cracker crumbs in our bed – I hope Steve gives me some warning about coming home this time so I can wash the sheets.
Steve used to be really strict about bedtimes, this was a couple years ago, until he read in some parenting magazine that children literally do their growing in their sleep. He didn’t tell me that until one night I asked why the boys were up so late and he told me – the goof – thinking that if he let the kids stay up later he could somehow put a hold on that inevitable march toward adulthood. I suppose I had that figured out with Gracie some time ago – the bittersweet part of raising children is that they grow up – even though there are times that you wish they’d grow up faster, or times when you wish they never would, they do, and there’s no way around it.
I hope Steve comes home soon. It’s about time.
***
Danny dreamed vividly when he was very tired, and the subject was most often Steve, less often his children, and infrequently Five-0. He’d wake in the morning sometimes wanting to fall back to sleep so he could see Steve again, but once he was up, he was normally up for the day.
On this particular morning, he dreamt he’d overslept and daylight was flooding in through the large windows of their sunny bedchamber, and Steve was trying to wake him up to go to work.
“No, babe.” He mumbled. “I can’t see you unless I’m sleeping. Dreaming.”
“You’re not dreaming Danny. I’m home, baby.”
Danny’s eyes snapped open and he saw Steve hovering above him in the morning light with a wide grin on his face.
“Oh my God.”
Instinct kicked in and Danny wrapped his arms around Steve and pulled him close in a vise grip as Danny began to ramble.
“Steve! Steve. I’m not dreaming. I’m not dreaming, you’re really home. You’re here.” His throat bogged down with emotion and began to sound like a clogged kitchen sink with a burnt out garbage disposal as he clung to Steve to make sure he was really there.
He finally let Steve pull away, but not before he’d touched every part of him within reach: shoulders, back, collar, neck, hair, face, lips, eyes, nose – taking inventory, making sure he still had all his parts, all his beautiful, perfect parts, thinking the more he touched Steve the more proof he had that he wasn’t still dreaming. His mind had played these tricks on him before, especially after only a few hours of sleep, and he was bound and determined not to let his hopes be dashed when he really woke up.
Steve laughed kissed him and the haze of sleep subsided and he knew he was awake, and conscious, and his warrior had really returned.
“I missed you so much.” Danny said softly.
“I know, baby,” Steve said. “I missed you too. It’s the last time.”
“Last time you’re gonna miss me?” Danny asked, confused.
Steve nodded. “I’m going to resign. I’m not leaving you again.”
Danny noticed out of the corner of his eye that his two boys weren’t in bed with him anymore, but a forgotten Eeyore and a few scant cracker crumbs betrayed their recent occupation. Sometimes the boys would retreat back to their own beds if Danny snored too loudly.
“No more sleeping alone.” Steve continued, smiling, smoothing back Danny’s hair.
Danny plucked the wayward stuffed donkey off the sheets and waved it in front of his husband.
“I had Eeyore.” He smiled.
Steve kissed him again.
They could go wake the kids in a minute, but for now Danny just wanted to hold his strong SEAL close, and give silent thanks he returned safe, and take a moment to inventory everything that had been made whole again, the completeness he felt at having his husband returned. His home, and his heart, was once again made full.