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Theo met Liam when they were in elementary school, and the smaller boy quickly wormed his way into Theo’s heart and life. They were rarely apart, and everyone knew how Theo felt about Liam. Everyone except Liam.
Theo had been there for Liam through everything. Everything like his dad, his IED, and his new step dad coming in so suddenly. Liam called him his anchor, the guy who truly had his back through thick and thin, the guy who understood him better than anyone else in the world. The only one who could calm him down or help him when he was too stubborn to ask.
He was the one there through all of Liam’s heartbreak. The nights he cried himself to sleep, the nightmares about his dad, the days he was so scared of his own shadow. Theo grew to love this flawed man that understood him like no other.
And of course it was reciprocated. When Theo’s sister died, he only wanted to see Liam. When he got older and his parents started finding more and more excuses to not be home, he opened his home up for Theo, gave him somewhere safe and warm. Theo was so grateful, he was so happy to have someone in his life like Liam.
Liam who urged him to be better, to find creative outlets for his feelings, who helped him find a therapist to work out his shit. Theo got better, he got a job, he started going to the gym when he felt antsy, and he liked science and math. Being able to focus on something and be productive helped him work things out. Math is objective, he liked that.
Liam was totally different, he played lacrosse, sure, but he liked to write, it was something his therapist recommended, to help write out his feelings when he was angry instead of bottling them up and fixating on them. But as time went on, he started to resent and dread it less, instead turning it into a positive habit.
He went through so many notebooks, scribbling in them and he kept them all too. There was a shelf in his room that had them all lined up, in order of use, and last Theo had counted, there were ten. He loved them all, sometimes he read through them when he needed a pick-me-up, to see how far he’d come.
Theo never read them, they were private. The only time he did was when Liam specifically gave him permission or wanted to show him something. He didn’t want to break Liam’s trust, so he buried any and all curiosity successfully for years. Until one afternoon, he slipped up.
It wasn’t intentional, Theo just wanted to see what kind of notebooks Liam liked to get him a new one. Liam had been talking about getting close to the end of another one, and their anniversary was coming. But when he was flipping through a few of them, he caught some of the words.
I thought I'd recognize when love was true. But I'm confused
Blinking a few times, Theo processed the words, a weird feeling rising in his chest. He knew he shouldn’t read further, that it would only cause him pain based on how the first two lines made him feel. But he did it anyway.
Am I ready for love? Or maybe just a best friend.
Should there be a difference? Do you have instructions?
Maybe I'm stuck on what I see on TV.
I grew up on Disney. But this don't feel like Disney
Setting the journal down, he paced around the room. What the fuck did it mean? He ran his hands through his hair over and over, tugging at the ends, hoping the pain would calm down his brain that was spinning out of control.
Liam loves you, he tried to reassure himself. He’d said it that morning before school. Liam loves you, he said to himself again. But the words tasted sour and wrong. The rest of that page was filled with doodles and to-do lists. So Theo flipped the page. Immediately he knew he shouldn’t have.
In my mind, I thought the birds would sing and sparks would fly. But it's just quiet
Am I cruel? Or am I ignorant or was I fooled by the stories I knew?
Maybe, his brain hesitated, not sure if he could really form the words, Liam doesn’t love you. At least that’s what his fucking journals, his deepest thoughts were implying. Outright stating even, the page was filled, different pen colors as if he’d been having the thoughts over an extended period of time. Maybe it’s not about you, he thought to himself, Liam has dated other people, maybe it’s for one of them. He kept reading.
I think I probably wasn't in love with you. I think I probably loved the idea of you
And though I may be missing the feel of you, I think I probably wasn't in love with you
I said it 'cause I no longer wanna hurt, I said it back to you 'cause you said it first
And though I may be wishing it wasn't true I think I probably wasn't in love.
I wasn't in love with you.
Theo thought back, the first night he’d said the words, the words he used so sparingly before, so hesitant to just throw them around, and he’d said them first. It felt like he was flying at the time, and it’d felt the same way since. He loved Liam and Liam loved him.
Or, loved the idea of him, he guessed. When they got together, Liam only been single after Hayden for about five months, which is a decent amount, but they’d dated a while . Truthfully, Theo wasn’t sure how or why things ended, Liam never told him, and Theo never wanted to push.
So he gave him time and space, but eventually, Theo made the first move. Before Hayden, he’d wanted to ask Liam out, but he missed his chance. Liam asked her out, in front of him.
Hayden said yes, of course she did, who wouldn’t want to date Liam? And then Theo watched them fall in love, he watched his best friend, the guy he loved, date this girl for almost two years. His other friends, Mason, Corey, Scott, all told him he was stupid for bottling it up. But more than he wanted to be with Liam, he wanted Liam to be happy.
Theo almost lost Liam forever, to Hayden, and he didn’t want to risk it, so he went out on a branch and asked. It was scrambled and nervous, Theo wasn’t even sure he got his point fully across, too focused on how he was going to react to probable rejection.
But then, to his shock, Liam said yes. Theo was stunned for a second, not actually expecting a yes. Liam had laughed at him, frozen in place, blinking rapidly to process his answer.
“Um, what?” he asked, dumbly.
Liam snorted and fondly answered, “I said yes, dumbass.”
Theo swore up and down they were endgame. The way he felt for Liam was unlike anything he’d ever felt before, and he definitely thought it was reciprocated. But the saying about assumptions existed for a reason, unfortunately, he was just a living example.
This is gonna break your heart, I’m so sorry, yeah I know.
And that was all Theo could handle, he slammed the notebook shut. Stumbling over to Liam’s bed, he sat down hard, notebook dangling limply in his hand, hanging between his knees. Theo ran his hand through his hair several times, trying to get his thoughts together to figure out what to do with this new information.
All he’d wanted was to see whether Liam preferred lined paper or just blank sheets, “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, rubbing at his jaw before repeating louder, “fuck.”
Theo knew Liam would be home soon, he’d been staying late after lacrosse practice every night, but he was always home by 6, and it was 5:50. It was like his brain switched back on at that realization.
He stood from the bed and shoved the notebook haphazardly where he thought it came from. Smoothing out the wrinkles in the comforter, Theo was grabbing his backpack and hightailing it out of the house without even saying goodbye to Jenna in the kitchen. He knew she probably wouldn’t tell Liam, he did warn her he was there for inspiration for his anniversary gift, but Theo knew he’d probably get a call from her later.
Theo was glad he didn’t drive, walking home gave him the chance to clear his head and come up with a plan. Liam wanted to break up with him, he’d said as much, and that would probably hurt more than anything he’d ever felt, so Theo decided to not give him the chance.
There was a college on the East Coast Theo had been accepted into, it wasn’t a serious consideration for him, he also got into the one Liam had a lacrosse scholarship to, that had been the plan. But he could accept that offer and start to phase Liam out of his life like his manager had done to a guy she wanted to fire.
“Spend less time with him, stop going by the house so much, limited lacrosse game attendance,” he muttered under his breath, trying to come up with the best plan possible.
It all sounded so mean, so painful. One of Theo’s safe spaces was compromised, and they were limited in number as was. For a few minutes, he let himself cry. To mourn that relationship he’d wholeheartedly believed was both real and two-ways. But instead, he got I think I probably wasn’t in love with you and really, what is he supposed to do with that?
-
Liam knew something was up, but he wasn’t sure what. Normally he went to his mom, but she was oddly tight-lipped about everything. He sighed, frustrated, and checked his phone again to only see one text from Theo. At least he was still getting texts, he thought.
Normally Theo was a guy who texted in incomplete thoughts, which meant Liam would get like five or six in a row before he could respond. It was nice, that level of comfort, and entertaining when he would get something like oh my god wait did you see and then have to wait five minutes for Theo to either send a link or a picture to finish his thought.
Instead Liam was getting complete sentences with punctuation. Even one word answers sometimes, which was even rarer. Their anniversary was coming, so he chalked it up to Theo planning him some sort of surprise, it seemed like something he’d do.
But as days passed, Theo became scarce and it started to hurt. Liam hadn’t seen him in the stands watching lacrosse practice in a while, and their study sessions dwindled from three a week to maybe one.
Theo always had an excuse. Work, his parents were in town, schoolwork, gym plans with an unnamed friend. Maybe they were true, but as time passed, it seemed less and less likely. In the past, Theo always made time for him. He was generous like that, putting his shit aside for Liam. Liam didn’t realize how much he’d taken it for granted.
Leaning against Theo’s locker, he waited for his class to end to finally corner Theo. They hadn’t talked face to face in what seemed like forever. A weird look crossed over Theo’s face when he saw Liam standing there, but he walked over anyway, “Hey, Li.”
“Hey Theo,” Liam fired back, already defensive, arms crossed in front of him.
Theo cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable, “What’s up?”
“Glad you’re still alive. I’ve barely heard from you lately.”
He had the decency to look ashamed at Liam’s words, which made him feel vindicated. Liam tilted his chin up as Theo answered, “Been pretty busy, I’m sorry.”
Liam deflated, Theo’s apology sounded sincere, and he was pretty sure he saw regret in his eyes. With one last sniff, Liam told him, “It’s okay. Just,” he cleared his throat, voice wobbling, “don’t ditch me forever, okay?”
A flash of something ugly lit up Theo’s eyes, but it was gone in a blink, “I’d never, Li.”
Liam stared, wondering if he’d actually seen it or just imagined it. Shrugging, Liam let it go and held his hand out for Theo to take. He did, smiling amusedly down at Liam, who linked their fingers together and swung their hands between them as they walked down the hall.
“Do you have plans today?” Liam asked.
Theo shrugged nonchalantly, “Nothing I can’t cancel.”
His stomach dropped, “So you do?”
“Not as important as you,” Theo answered, squeezing his hand hard to get the point across. Liam felt a bit off balanced, but he nodded, staying silent while Theo texted whoever his plans were with to cancel them. He couldn’t help but glance at Theo’s phone in an attempt to see who he was texting, and Liam couldn’t be sure, but he was pretty sure it said Scott.
Which brought a whole bunch of ugly, burning feelings roaring to the forefront of his brain. For the longest time he’d thought Theo had a crush on Scott, always wanting to invite Scott to group activities. Liam could never forget that though he and Theo had been friends for a long time, Theo and Scott had been friends even longer.
The whole reason he even dated Hayden in the first place was to put out the stupid torch he’d been carrying for Theo for most of his life. Hayden liked him, she was nice enough and pretty, so Liam jumped at the chance.
And for a while, it worked. He saw Theo less and it hurt less. Of course, Theo seemed fine, still smiling even though Liam was selfishly looking for any sign of hurt. Maybe he was a bad person, dating someone to test someone else or even to help get over someone else, but he did it. The shame he felt over that was a popular topic in his therapy sessions.
So sure, Theo told him Scott wasn’t as important, but it still felt weird, as if his words were some sort of consolation, not meant to be taken as fact. They walked in silence, and Liam felt his fingers itching to write down what he was thinking about before it boiled over.
Jenna was in the kitchen when they got to the house, and she rushed over to give Theo a hug, gushing about having not seen him in too long. He was smiling, a slight red tint on his cheeks, and Liam took the opportunity to disappear up to his room to write some stuff down. His mom could keep Theo plenty occupied.
Reaching for the last journal on the row, Liam flipped toward the end, confused to see all the pages full. He frowned, tossing the pen down, had he finished it without realizing? But no, upon further inspection, they’d just gotten out of order.
Whether it was his doing or not, Liam was unsure, but he didn’t know how much time he had before Theo would join him upstairs, so he ignored it and started writing. The words flowed out, a tone of disappointment and bitterness that Liam would have to look further into later. And when he finally slammed the notebook shut, Theo was still downstairs.
As he walked down carelessly, the sound of hushed voices had him slowing up on the stairs. Avoiding the creaky steps, he crept down, trying to get close enough to hear what Theo and his mom were saying.
“- something didn’t happen? You left in a hurry.”
Theo sighed and Liam could picture him perfectly, hands shoved deep in his pockets, “Yeah, had something come up and I couldn’t find you. Plus I didn’t want to risk running into Liam.”
Jenna laughed, “That would defeat the purpose of the surprise. Well, I’m glad. When I didn’t see you again, I got worried.”
He laughed but it sounded wrong, strained, and Liam wondered if his mom could hear it too. Leaning in further, he made out Theo’s response, “Couldn’t get rid of me that easily, Jenna.”
She cooed, “Good.”
Liam decided to make his presence known, turning the corner to see Jenna pinching Theo’s cheek. Theo just let it happen, having no heart to push her hand away, and Liam couldn’t stop the smile.
“Theo, you ready to go?”
He looked surprised, nodding, “Yeah, where are we going?”
“Figured we could go to the gym. That’s where you were going right?”
“Um, yeah,” he answered, looking uncertain, “but we don’t have to, we can hang out here.”
Narrowing his eyes, Liam looked at Theo. The boy looked ready to bolt, and Liam couldn’t figure out what caused it. Shaking his head, he told him, “Nah, I need a good workout anyway, we can eat dinner here and hang out after.”
Theo shrugged, “If you really want to.”
He didn’t. But he also realized all the sacrifices Theo had made to spend time with him and that maybe he hadn’t been pulling his weight, so Liam was willing to go. Lips twitching, Liam told him, “Should be fun.”
Theo snorted at the obvious lie, but didn’t call him on it, content to let Liam fake it if he wanted to. He wasn’t quite as good at faking interest as Theo was unfortunately, but since Theo had spent about two months in the burning summer heat helping him work on shooting, Liam could go to the gym for an hour.
They weren’t there long, Liam wasn’t sure if Theo intentionally cut it short or if it was meant to be quick anyway, but he was glad it was over. Theo drove them home, he always drove, windows down, one arm hanging lazily out the window.
Something Liam noticed but never commented on was how carefully Theo drove when he was in the car. He’d seen Theo drive himself, chaotic and careless, speeding and not giving a shit in general, but with Liam he slowed down at yellow lights and actually used his blinker.
His mom told him it was because Theo cared about him, that he wanted to take care of Liam. It was a lot to hear, especially since it was before they started dating. He started to take note of every time Theo did something differently for Liam or because of Liam, and he wasn’t even really surprised when Theo asked him out. It was stuttered and uncomfortable, but it felt like a long time coming, and that was enough.
Theo hummed when Liam called his name. Liam glanced at him, “Is everything okay?”
“Of course,” Theo reassured.
“And you’d tell me if something was wrong?”
“I would.”
Liam scratched his jaw, “Okay, I believe you, and I love you. Haven’t said it enough lately.”
If he hadn’t been watching Theo already he would’ve missed the full body flinch at his words. Theo’s face went pale, and the hand on the wheel clenched. It was something Liam had never seen before. It took a few seconds too long for Theo to say it back.
-
Theo hadn’t realized he’d been distancing himself too much. He wanted to start slow, phase Liam out, not shut him off immediately, but it hurt so much that repression and avoiding Liam was much easier.
He knew Liam saw him texting Scott, and they’d had conversations about how Liam felt about Theo’s friendship with Scott. He knew that Liam was probably jumping to conclusions that weren’t accurate, so he tried to soothe it over. Probably didn’t do a good enough job.
Over the next few days, they hung out more. Theo ordered Liam a new journal, similar to a few he had on his bookshelf already, and wrote his note inside the cover, telling Liam how proud he was and thanking Liam for being in his life. He really hoped it didn’t sound like as much of a goodbye as he thought it did.
Since Theo knew how Liam really felt, every ‘I love you’ the other boy gave him felt like a stab to the gut. Theo knew it wasn’t true. Whether Liam was saying it out of obligation or what, he was unsure. Part of him just wanted Liam to give it up, stop playing him. A bigger part of him wanted to yell at Liam.
But, yelling at Liam would be admitting what he did. Admitting that he broke Liam’s trust and went through his stuff, even if he had the purest of intentions. Because Liam would know, not all of the things he read were on one page, it would be a dead giveaway that he snooped.
Theo always returned the sentiment, shakily forcing out an ‘I love you’ in return, and every time his throat felt tighter. He was scared that one day, he wouldn’t be able to force the words out. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Liam, no he wasn’t choking on that, he was choking on the fact that Liam’s words were blatant lies.
Hands shaking, he booked them a dinner reservation for their anniversary, somewhere nice. Then he picked out a nice outfit, with input from Jenna. It almost felt like he was going to a funeral or something equally as dark and depressing. Attending the death of their relationship.
Liam didn’t notice. He was ecstatic to spend the evening together, he had big plans of his own. The two boys hadn’t had the ‘will we live together in college’ discussion, Liam wanted to have it. He’d been talking it over with his parents, they thought the boys would be okay, and Liam felt confident with his parents’ approval.
Theo drove, rocks in his stomach, and when they reached the restaurant, he was actually feeling ill. It was a shame, he’d heard the food was really good, but he didn’t think he’d be able to enjoy it. He thinks he pulled it off, the ‘being happy in his relationship despite knowing your partner actually doesn’t love you’ act.
And Liam seemed none the wiser. He loved his journal, teared up while reading the note, and gave Theo a watch he’d been eyeing for months. Theo knew Liam was thoughtful and he knew how expensive the watch was, he had no doubts that Liam would buy him that with the double intention to make him happy and soften the blow of a breakup. So, instead of happy tears in his eyes when he put it on, his eyes were brimming with tears of heartbreak.
Liam had a lacrosse game early the next morning, so he couldn’t stay up late, and Theo dropped him off with a goodnight kiss that reeked of desperation. He sat in the driveway, hands clenched on the wheel, wondering why Liam didn’t end it before their anniversary, wondering why the hell he made Theo sit through a celebration .
In the end he called Scott, begged him to let Theo stay over. He didn’t know what else to do, he didn’t want to be alone, and he knew Scott would understand. Scott who had to watch Allison leave town without a word.
He texted back approval almost immediately and Theo drove over, mostly on muscle memory alone. Scott set up an air mattress on the floor of his room and had some hot tea ready by the time Theo pulled up. All of the tears he’d been holding back overflowed as he collapsed into Scott’s arms.
Sobbing, he told Scott everything, not even sure if most of his explanation was coherent, but Scott just nodded, running his hand up and down Theo’s back. When Theo finished, chest heaving, Scott started talking softly, “Maybe you should talk to him. I mean it could be about Hayden, or even Brett.”
“How could it be? It sounds,” he paused, voice cracking, “it sounds like us.”
“It seems cruel, especially for Liam, to string you along like this. Liam wouldn’t do that.”
Which is something Theo considered while he tossed and turned at night, but his brain argued that the evidence was overwhelming and highly compelling. So he shrugged, not much left to say, and Scott pushed the mug of tea into his hands to drink before Theo passed out, emotionally exhausted.
His alarm went off the next morning, and he forced himself up and into a Beacon Hills Lacrosse sweatshirt to support Liam. Scott passed him a to-go cup of coffee and smiled gently, “Good luck today.”
“Thanks,” Theo mumbled, taking a shaky sip of coffee.
Liam found him in the stands, sitting away from his parents for once, and waved, a slightly baffled look on his face. Theo knew Liam was starting to figure it out, and shrank into himself. For the first time, he considered breaking up with Liam first.
Jenna waved at him, motioning for him to join them, and he pretended not to see. It was maybe a little harsh, but his spot in that family was gone. Biting his lip until he tasted blood, he sipped at the quickly cooling coffee, and mindlessly watched the game, completely zoned out and eyes out of focus for most of it.
Theo was gone when it ended, not even sticking around to congratulate Liam on the win. It was too much, the idea of being around elated Liam who was always freer with affection. So he drove straight to the coffee shop at the edge of town. Theo was predictable to say the least, he knew Liam would check his house first thing, assuming Theo would seek out the comfort of his own home first.
He was halfway through his second coffee on an empty stomach when his phone buzzed. A large part of him wanted to ignore it, but morbid curiosity led him to check.
From Liam: hey where’d you go?
To Liam: had something to do this afternoon, sorry
From Liam: where are you?
From Liam: and don’t try and lie, i know you’re not home
To Liam: i’m out, had some errands to run, i’ll be home in a few hours
From Liam: okay...if you say so
From Liam: meet me at the diner at 6 yeah? we need to talk
And there it was, the dreaded sentence Theo had been waiting on. He downed the rest of his coffee and headed out, stopping by his house to get gym clothes to work off some of the nervous energy building. Or maybe it was just the caffeine making his hands shake.
His workout was long and punishing, and it left him exhausted. Theo stumbled into his house and made a sandwich before heading up the stairs to his bathroom to take a shower. He collapsed into bed and was out before even considering setting an alarm.
When he woke up he knew he overslept, the sun was too low for it to be before 6:00, and sure enough it was 6:30 when he checked his phone. Five missed calls and about fifteen texts from Liam confirmed it.
The blankets pooled in his lap while he considered his options. He could go back to sleep and pretend he never woke up, thus avoiding a breakup. He could return the call and apologize for being late, tell Liam that he was on his way and show up. Last, he could leave the house and leave town because he knew Liam was likely on the way or would be soon.
Leaving town, at least for the night, sounded the best to him, so Theo threw together a bag and was out the door in ten minutes. Unfortunately, he was too late. Liam’s car was blocking Theo’s in the driveway, and the boy in question was almost to the door, a fiery look on his face.
“Where the fuck have you been?”
Theo was stunned at the venom in his tone, though he supposed it was deserved. Stuttering, he answered, “I overslept, heavy gym session.”
“Mhmm,” Liam advanced on him, forcing him back into the house, “and where the fuck are you going?”
At a loss for words, Theo simply shrugged in response, “Away.”
“Why?” Liam demanded, pushing his chest, “Why have you been acting weird, what happened?”
“I-” he shrunk in the face of Liam’s glare before gathering his resolve, “I didn’t want to go.”
“Why not?”
“Because, believe it or not, I’d like to not be broken up with by someone I love most in the world.”
Liam’s eyebrows furrowed as the full weight of Theo’s words sunk in. He blinked a few times, stunned, “What?”
“I know why we ‘need to talk’,” he used air quotes, “and I know you’re not in love with me. Sue me for not wanting to hear it come out your mouth. I was hoping you’d get the message and do it over text.”
“I’d never break up with someone over text,” Liam mumbled before shaking his head, “Why the hell do you think I want to break up with you?”
Theo could hear the implied how do you know and flinched, but he figured, if he was going to get through this breakup, it was going to have to be cold turkey, so he may as well ruin the whole relationship.
“I saw it in your journals. That you don’t love me, you loved the idea of me. I was basically a rebound, and the only reason you said ‘I love you’ was because I said it first.”
Liam took a step back, hurt flashing over his face, “You read my journals?” and then he blinked, “I knew I didn’t put them out of order on accident.”
Theo winced, he should’ve been more careful, “It wasn’t intentional, I just wanted to see what you liked so I could buy you a new one.”
“So you read it, out of context may I add, and jumped to conclusions without even asking me? What is wrong with you?!” Liam basically yelled.
Theo hung his head, “I know, and I’m sorry, but it was pretty obvious it was about me, not that far of a leap.”
Liam rolled his eyes and ran a hand angrily through his hair, “No, it’s not. It was about Hayden.”
Before he could collapse from shock, Liam pushed Theo to sit down on the couch. Theo managed to croak out, “What?”
“They’re old passages, and it was about Hayden, who I only dated to get over you because I was so convinced you weren’t interested.”
“But I was interested,” Theo answered, confused, and then spoke as an afterthought, “and don’t you know you always write the name of the person you’re talking about in your private journal.”
“Oh silly me,” Liam responded sarcastically, “and how was I supposed to know, you never said anything.”
Theo fired back, “Neither did you.”
“I dropped so many hints,” Liam groaned, “I gave you a sweatshirt with my lacrosse number on it, I insisted on sleeping in the same bed for sleepovers, we cuddled very frequently, fuck, I even tried to kiss you!”
“Okay, no you didn’t, and you do all of that with Mason too, how am I supposed to know that you were sending me messages apparently?”
Liam sighed, “That’s fair I guess, I mean I don’t regularly try to kiss Mason, but I did try to kiss you. At that party at the start of freshman year.”
Theo scoffed, immediately remembering the event Liam was talking about, “Yeah, when you were drunk off your ass and I was the only one willing to put up with you.”
“Well,” Liam blushed and shrugged, “having your full focus all night and some liquid courage convinced me you’d be into it. I don’t really think you understand how much I love and crave when you’re only looking at me.”
It was Theo’s turn to blush, “It’s been that way for years. There’s a reason I never dated anyone else.”
Liam sighed, “Yeah, that’s what Mason told me. I was just hurt, I guess.”
“You started dating Hayden like a week after.”
Laughing a bit sadly, Liam responded, “You’d made it pretty clear you weren’t interested by your rejection.”
“You were drunk, that’s taking advantage, and I admittedly loved you too much to act on anything there. Especially since I wasn’t sure you’d even remember it,” Theo insisted, squeezing Liam’s shoulder unthinkingly before dropping his hand away immediately, unsure if he still had touching privileges.
“I was so confused why you started pulling away these past few weeks, avoiding me. I thought I did something wrong,” he looked down at his hands, linking his fingers together, voice breaking.
Theo ignored his uncertainty and reached over to tilt Liam’s chin up to look him in the eye, “Never. You could never do anything. I thought,” he paused, biting his lip, “I thought that I was pressuring you too much. It hurt so bad, thinking that I’d forced you into pretending to love me.”
“First of all, you know me and I know you can tell when I’m lying.”
“Blinded by hurt,” Theo countered with a shrug.
“Even then, you’d know,” Liam answered, confidently.
“I take everything at face value, Liam. When I started looking, it seemed so real to me.”
“Well it wasn’t.”
A wave of tiredness overtook him again and he stood, “I just. I need to know if you’re breaking up with me,” Theo told him.
Liam frowned, “I’m not. And I’m now really worried that you think I would. That I’d be so cruel to string you along all this time. Do you really think so lowly of me?”
He sounded hurt, and Theo immediately stumbled over his words to reassure, “Of course not. I thought you were sparing my feelings, not wanting to hurt me.”
“Theo,” Liam was suddenly in front of him, Theo never even saw him move, “I’d never. I’d never hurt you like that. I wanted,” he swallowed harshly, “I wanted to ask you if you wanted to live together next year. When we move for school.”
Theo was shocked into silence, eyes searching Liam’s face desperately for signs of a lie. He couldn’t find any, “Are you fucking with me right now?”
Clasping both of Theo’s hands in his, Liam insisted, “I’d never.”
It sank in that time, and Theo shuddered, emotion wracking through his body. He managed to force out of his tightened throat, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I do want to live together, I want nothing more.”
“It’s okay, I promise it’s okay,” Liam reassured, leading him back over to the couch, “we can talk about the living situation more tomorrow.” Theo curled into the smaller boy’s shoulder and let the tears he’d been holding in soak Liam’s neck. He could apologize for that Later.
Liam ran his fingers through Theo’s hair, comfortingly, shushing him gently and whispering reassurances into the quiet living room. Theo isn’t sure how long it lasted, but when he lifted his head, it was fully dark outside.
“Do you want to go to bed?” Liam asked, voice soft.
“Please.”
Grabbing his hand, Theo followed Liam up the stairs to his room. Dropping the bag in the corner, Liam kicked his shoes off and took off his jeans and t-shirt before heading to Theo’s bathroom to get ready.
Trailing behind Liam, Theo mindlessly brushed his teeth and washed his face, following Liam once again into the bedroom. Liam lifted the covers, inviting Theo to join him, and once Theo settled in, Liam whispered, “I love you. I hope you believe that and I’ll do everything in my power to make you believe it again.”
“I love you too,” Theo whispered back.
The next morning when he woke up, Liam was already awake, propped up on his elbow, stroking a finger gently over Theo’s cheekbone. The relief that crashed through Theo was strong, roaring in his chest.
And when Liam said, “Good morning, I love you.” Theo believed him for the first time in what seemed like forever.