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As pretty as the thought could be, debuting in three groups – sometimes even four – isn’t really doing the best for Mark. He comes home feeling he's been beaten to a pulp. His throat aching at the way he's exerting much effort to deliver all his lines. Don't even get him started on his limbs. He was relatively fit, but with the way his muscles are constantly feasting on the very last ounces of his energy, he begins to think otherwise.
He's continuously striving to serve only the best for the people watching with such expectant eyes.
Pro-debuter.
One of the best and most well-known rappers in the industry.
One of NCT’s triple threats.
Spokesman.
Exhilarating performer.
Outstanding song writer.
Multi-talented million seller.
But you see, striving to be the best version of yourself isn’t really that easy. One's perception of their best version is repeatedly modified as the annoying tick of the clock continues to go on. You set a goal. You achieve that goal. You set another and it goes on and on and on until that black veil eventually sits on the top of your head, turning flesh to soul and nothing more. It's like chasing your shadow from the early hours of the morning ‘til your shadow couldn’t be distinguished anymore as it mixes with the darkness.
"Mark, you shouldn't be worried." He often hears this phrase from the head, his sunbaes, their managers, his members, his fans, his parents. Mark hears those words coming out of people's mouths with no hesitation way too often that he starts to rethink whether he really shouldn’t be worrying.
He has breaks, which could actually only last a few days. They were either writing songs or preparing for a new release. Either recording or filming their very own 'me-time' which Mark thinks is weird cause, well, was it really 'me-time'?
Sometimes it takes a toll on him and things start to make less sense than usual. All of these thoughts were tiring, but what could he do? He was thinking about it when he's practicing, writing, rapping, recording etcetera etcetera, even more on times he wasn’t busying himself with promotions. What could he do, really?
"Mark." This boy, god, he doesn’t even knock .
Mark narrows his eyes at the boy across him as he looks at him from his bed.
"Mark hyung, I mean ehehe." Donghyuck has always insisted Mark and him drop the honorifics and Mark can't even count the times he had said no to each offer. He flashes such a sheepish smile and doesn’t wait for Mark to invite him to sit on the bed, he was already on it.
Donghyuck grabs the guitar sitting by the end of the bed and places it on Mark’s lap, which was occupied by his journal, now falling off of it. The boy adjusts his position, scooching into Mark’s space – like he would always do – and settles right in front of him. It’s pretty far if someone saw it from a distance but it all feels too close, their knees were touching, their eyes scanning over each other's features, an unspoken language that only they were fluent in.
"Play the guitar for me? I know you want to hear me sing. " Donghyuck closes in on the remaining space between them, his voice in sing-song making its way through Mark ears – like it always does.
"Hyuck-ah, I was writing." Mark doesn’t move but he responds.
"Oh, I know." Donghyuck repositions his knees in a way that he's kneeling in front of Mark. His left hand carefully grips around the body of Mark's guitar, right hand inches closer to meet Mark's red fingertips.
Mark can’t believe how easily he shatters the moment Donghyuck offers him even the tiniest bit of touch. He wonders how Donghyuck makes it seem so easy for him. Even the slightest brush of their fingertips manages to make the chaos in Mark’s mind settle, Mark thinks maybe it’s the boy’s super power. But then again, he’s been with Donghyuck for way too long now, SM Rookies ‘til his present. Being with him was his usual, his every day, and Mark wouldn’t give up anything for it. No, he wouldn’t, not when Donghyuck has been and will always be the only person that could make things make sense amidst the chaos.
Donghyuck’s fingers carefully take hold of Mark’s own, leading the way to the neck of the guitar. The grip was light, and even if Mark could easily slip away from it, he settled with staying, finding home in the curves of Donghyuck’s fingers. Donghyuck does his best to make Mark grip on to his guitar, chuckling when he places the older’s hand on top of it because Mark’s hand seemed lifeless. He retracts his hand and fishes his phone out of his pocket. Mark misses the warmth almost instantly.
“There’s this song on – uh, what’s that app,” Donghyuck snaps his fingers in hopes of remembering. “Ah, tiktok – that I found, it’s pretty catchy and sweet.”
He looks up and meets Mark’s eyes that were already on him, as if expecting that they were going to meet – because they always, always did. “Was wondering if you could learn the chords?” Donghyuck waves the phone at Mark for the latter to take, opting to place it on the bed, just on the space between their sitting figures.
“I guess I don’t really have a choice, do I?” Mark jokingly says as he adjusts his position, the curve of the guitar’s body piecing up with Mark's left leg. The familiar warmth was comforting and nostalgic all at once, but this instrument was never enough for Mark to come undone before it, it was always the boy across him that had such skill.
Mark reads the chords laid in front of him, fingers automatically moving through the frets, trying to get the rhythm for the strumming. Donghyuck hums out the part in order to help, words just on his throat, but begging tucked in for now, to be sung for a next time – a more intimate and important time. Mark knew that he wouldn’t be singing the lyrics anytime soon so he decided to play a different song, and another, and another right after that and so on.
It’s a few minutes past 11 pm when they decide to sleep. The older boy doesn’t even have to ask Donghyuck whether he’ll be sleeping next to him or not, he was already cuddled up with the pillows that were positioned in the center of the bed, facing Mark. Mark looks at him and thinks that he wouldn’t ever – even if he had the choice to – have another person know him better than he does with himself. He lies down, facing Donghyuck, taking in every detail of the boy spread across him. Maybe, just maybe, maybe tonight he could sleep without having to worry too much.
Mark wakes up in cold sweat, hands shivering as he looks for something, for someone – anything to hold on to. But his dear angel is sound asleep at his side, normally Donghyuck would wake up when he senses Mark shift around in discomfort but now, the older thinks he’s probably beat. He used the rest of his energy to be able to do their busking together, so Mark doesn’t bother to wake him up and carefully gets off the bed hoping that he wouldn’t take sleep away from the younger.
He tries to stay in the kitchen, snack on cereal and scroll through his phone. He’s been like this for way too long so he’s well aware of the fact that no amount of cereal and twitter memes could actually push away his thoughts on his whole career. He knows he’s happy with what he’s doing. But like all stairs, the only step he and the team can make is up - the stairs they stepped on before crumbling to fine dust-, otherwise they would have to face such a great fall. He tries to get rid of all the negativity but being a performer and having the eyes of the public set on him with expectations and a lot more, sometimes thoughts like this couldn’t be helped – not with all this time in his hands and his success as a performer dancing dangerously on the edges of his fingers.
Your rap style isn’t that looked up to by rookies, people will get tired of it soon.
People said you had potential, think again, Mark.
You don’t win music show awards because the fans expect more of you.
One controversial line and you’ll come down.
Your best friend would eventually leave you.
And when that downfall comes, what then, Mark?
I don’t know. I don’t know.
It’s all too much and before Mark could even process it, his feet were already in contact with the cold surface of the tiled floor. He was in the bathroom again. A familiar situation that happens at least once a week welcomes him yet again. The turning of the faucet, the running of the tap, his clothes began to soak in water, again, he fell for his very own trap.
And if you get sick, do you think you would perform better?
Mark wanted to cry. He doesn’t know the exact reason as to why he hasn’t shed tears yet. Has he gone numb? he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know the answers to his own questions. He doesn’t know how he’s found such harmful comfort in staying in the tub with the water around him, letting the temperature of his body decrease. But what he does know is that maybe here he'll have a good night’s sleep.
Donghyuck was cold, way too cold and that it felt real bad. He tries to blindly shove his hand to where he thinks Mark would be on the bed, reaching for a warmth that he knew only Mark had. It should have met Mark's – it always did, but all he was met with was just cold. The bed wasn’t warm telling Donghyuck that Mark had been long gone.
The boy groans as he sits up on his bed, rubbing away at his eyes to properly see if Mark’s body really was nowhere to meet. His eyes widen and his heartbeat picks up.
Mark.
"Mark?" he says onto the thick air surrounding him. Feet beginning to shuffle at his slippers then makes their way to the dorm’s kitchen. Normally, Mark would just be eating cereal. This has happened for a few times now and Donghyuck had always struggled to figure out where the love of his life was – but no matter where or how long it would take, Donghyuck would always find him, his hands would always know where Mark was.
Except Mark wasn’t in the kitchen. He could have gone to the riverside again but the manager would definitely know and stay up until Mark came back. He scans the room and his eyes rest on the shoe rack just before the door. He sees his own pair of slippers. He sees Mark's running shoes. His thrumming heart calms down. This could only mean that the older was definitely in the house. He takes a peek in his hyungs’ rooms but doesn’t see the familiar silhouette of the boy he loves most.
He feels colder, like his body temperature had just dropped. He wishes he had brought Mark’s blanket around his shoulders to at least bring comfort that felt like Mark. Felt like, but would never actually live up to the actual warmth that Mark – his Mark – had always offered. He doesn’t need to catch a glimpse of his fingertips to know that they were slightly losing their color, he knew on his fingers he’d see some shades of blue.
Mark.
Mark, baby, where are you?
Touch. He needed to be able to feel. Feel Mark’s skin just beneath his fingertips. He needed warmth and Mark and all the million things that Mark didn’t know he was to Donghyuck.
He goes back to Mark's room, gripping at Mark's blanket as he curls himself inside of it. He tries to hum something, hoping that maybe Mark would hear it and sing along. But there was nothing but the silence, god, the silence wasn’t helping.
But it actually did, Donghyuck’s ears were closing in to the sound of ticking. Or was it dripping? He stands up blanket lousily hanging over his shoulders threatening to fall any second. He heads to the only possible source of the sound, Mark’s bathroom.
Mark.
"Mark-hyung…" he says, feeling like all the air in his lungs was knocked out of him as he saw his Mark. His Mark and the still running faucet, the water that has over flowed from where he was sitting.
He doesn’t even have to think twice, he was already running toward him, hand reaching out to be able to turn the faucet off. He wraps the blanket that was once on him around Mark hoping that it would help the older regain the heat his body has been missing. He brushes his hands from Mark’s mess of hair down to his cheeks.
Touch.
But this wasn’t how Donghyuck wanted his touch. It was cold, way too cold, it didn’t feel like his Mark.
"Mark, baby, can you move for me? Let me drain the water out?" Donghyuck softly says arms wrapping around Mark's shoulders so he could tilt the boy’s body and plug out the drain. Once successful, he takes the stool from the corner to sit across Mark, not wanting to let his clothes be drenched.
"Baby," Donghyuck’s hands touch at the skin on Mark's cheek and trails it down to cradle his face. "Love?" he angles Mark’s head so he can properly see his face. Mark stays silent, but his breathing was ever so loud as it carries most of his concerns.
“We don’t have to talk about it, I’ll just,” Donghyuck tries to scoot in closer to hug Mark’s shaking figure. “L-let me just….. hold you like this.” The hand resting on Mark’s back of the head moves down to the older boy’s nape. The skin on Donghyuck’s fingertips were warm compared to the skin on the back of Mark’s neck.
Mark missed this warmth, even when he knew he was the only one who had full access to Donghyuck’s touch. It was so easy for him to be read by the younger, but he’s so thankful that he manages to come undone just at the touch of the boy in front of him. There were so many thoughts that didn't even need to beg to be thought of, they were already in Mark’s mind. But it was so clouded up there now. His thoughts are now flooded with the familiar scent of Donghyuck, with the way Donghyuck has always been so careful with handling Mark. He’s so utterly in love with the boy in front of him but he can’t help but think of the possibility of Donghyuck getting tired of him, of Donghyuck falling out of love with.
"Mark-hyung, hey, I’m here," the younger boy wipes off a tear that rests on the end of Mark’s lips. Mark can’t help but to lean in to the touch.
"I told you, I’ll always be here for you," he says, and places the softest kisses under the older’s eyes.
"And in case you don’t know, that means I’ll be with you at your best, at times when you're up on stage, like when you feel like you’re infinite," a kiss at the forehead.
"And it also means that I’ll be with you at your worst, sitting with you at times you feel that you aren’t yourself, limited," a kiss on the nose.
"And it means everything else in between." a kiss on the cheek in means to somehow help free Mark’s head of all these thoughts that wouldn’t be doing him any good.
Mark stays silent, taking in the love of his life as he sits across him. Donghyuck has always looked at Mark like he has given him the entire world when actually, Mark thinks that it’s the other way around. He feels the younger’s hands drift off of his face and Mark immediately misses the warmth. He brings his head up, wanting to see if the boy will be leaving.
"I’ll be back don’t worry, don’t miss me too much." Donghyuck winks at Mark before he heads back to Mark's room.
Mark was tugging at the sheets around him, wrapping himself in it, hoping that it would help keep him warm while Donghyuck was away. Donghyuck comes back in at least 15 seconds later, guitar in hand and the brightest smile on his face.
"I didn’t think I’d have to sing this song to you this soon, but it’s now more than ever that I want to sing it to you." Donghyuck says positioning his fingers to what he remembers from when he was watching Mark play the song a while ago.
“You know I don’t play the guitar that well so-” he smiles to himself trying to get the hang of the chords Mark taught him.” “yeah, please don’t laugh at me.” It takes about a minute for Donghyuck to finally start and when he does, oh boy, Mark would’ve thought that he was doing fine just moments ago.
'Cause with your hand in my hand and a pocket full of soul
I can tell you there's no place we couldn't go
It was Donghyuck’s promise to Mark. His hands will always find Mark’s, he wouldn’t have it any other way, not ever. Not when he knows this is the boy he would want to go places with, to see how different it would be to visit countries with the love of your life than when alone, and to find a place where only the two of them exist. But it’s also this moment that they have right here, in the bathroom, Donghyuck singing to Mark his very own promise.
I'm here trying to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
Donghyuck knew it was hard, it was the same for him. He had thoughts like Mark’s too but it usually doesn’t get out of hand, if ever, he would just sleep through it if he could. He needed Mark to be strong, it may be hard but he’ll always be there for him, even if he ends up leaving the company. It could be real tiring to be an idol and it may cost you your physical and mental health sometimes. So Donghyuck always tries to look out for Mark, his members, the hyungs and the younger ones too, because he knows no one can always be happy. But he’s doing his best to hold up his members when he can. He meant what he just said, he’ll be beside Mark at his best, his worst and everything in between.
'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm looking right at the other half of me
Donghyuck usually wasn’t this sappy, most of the time it was saved for occasions where he really couldn’t help it. But for Mark, he would do anything for the older to feel better. Because Mark has held him up for so long too, has been with him ever since he started training at the company. It has always been like that – Mark and Donghyuck – ever since they wanted the rooftop fight when they all turned 20, since they made that song from their trainee days, since they established that the both are ready for each other when the times are difficult.
It doesn’t take long for Donghyuck to finish. He had a few mistakes but brushed it off with a laugh, ‘cause he knew Mark didn’t mind, the older would still be proud of him even if it’s just him being able to transition from one chord to another. Donghyuck lets the guitar settle on his lap, using his hands to reach out to Mark and hug him.
“I love you a lot, Mark hyung, and it’s okay to have times like this. I’ll be with you through it all, as long as I can.” He places such a faint kiss upon Mark’s lips, the older feels like a fairy passed by and fluttered its wings on it. “But right now, I really just want to dry you off so I’d be able to touch you-”
Mark cuts him off with a chuckle, “I love you too, but also it’s weird hearing that from you.”
“I didn’t mean in that waaaaay, I just want to hold you close to me. So, please, let’s get you some dry clothes and cuddle.” Donghyuck speaks in pout, not able to wait much longer.